Can Carlos Rodon wait until the White Sox are done with their different-colored Sox counterparts before being reinstated from the DL? I’m asking for us, because you’re not going to find a more caring fantasy baseball ‘pert. I’m like your My Pillow, and I hug you like the My Pillow guy hugs his pillow. In all his mustachioed glory and common man charms. I nourish you like avocado toast and a warm glass of PBR. You see that hammock in your backyard that those two squirrels are fornicating on? Shoo them off the hammock, because that hammock is me on a cold, winter night when your wife kicks you out of the house when she catches you checking out a waitress. Let’s snuggle. Metaphorically! What are you doing, you freak?! Any hoo! Rodon is due back, and not only is he a Buy, he’s also a hold in the video above because I don’t know how he’s going to look his first time back, i.e., he’s an own in all leagues. He’s a 9.5+ K/9, high-3 xFIP guy. If everything breaks right, he’s better than Lance McCullers. Things break wrong? Well, then you can drop him. Grab him now, like I metaphorically grab you in your mind’s eye. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Mike Zunino – He’s on pace for 25 homers. Sure, the average is a garbage truck filled with hot takes parked in front of a bot farm in Croatia, but 25 homers is 25 homers, not to get philosophical.
Max Muncy – His schmotato seems to have cooled a bit, but, for now, Dave Roberts is batting him in the two hole. Dave Roberts also has his brains in his two-hole, so there’s that.
Pablo Sandoval – The agility Pablo has for a big man always impresses me. He’s like a pirouetting bowling ball. This might surprise you, but Agility is not a category in any of my leagues. However, Kung Fu Panda Express has been hot.
Yuli Gurriel – It’s already Yune, and it might be Yuly before this guy is fully healthy. Or maybe not until next year, due to the nature of his injury this preseason. Though, he should collect those ironically named innumerable counting stats.
Ian Kinsler – After last preseason when he said Latinos over-celebrate, I hate Kinsler’s guts. Baseball needs more celebrating, not less. Of course, Kinsler has been hot recently, and personal feelings are for millennials and long distance commercials.
Brian Anderson – He’s been scalding hot recently. Of course, he’s not on the A-team of corner men even if his initials are B.A.
Jung-ho Kang – I wonder how many times he’s at Starbucks and they write on his cup, Jung Ivanhoe, then they get into a long, drawn-out argument when he says, “It’s hyphen, ho!” Any hoo (not ho)! He’s been smashing base-tang in his rehab stint and he’s worth a flyer to see if he can do the same when called up.
Christian Villanueva – He’s not owned in 50% of leagues. I’d laugh, if that wasn’t so depressing. Are y’all like Robert De Niro in Awakenings? Yo, you selectively comatose? Your medulla still attached to the oblongata? Go to the doctor and ask for a brain scan, tell them your fantasy baseball ‘pert/life coach sent you.
Charlie Culberson – Hitting near-.370 in the last week. Of course when The Tilde returns, he might get squeezed for time, then he’ll press sexual harassment charges and what a mess.
Carlos Gonzalez – Surprised to see him owned in so few leagues. He’s the type that is usually over-owned. Now, he’s under-owned. Go figure! Which is also what I say when I’m looking at my waistline.
Kyle Barraclough – Don Mattingly did the right thing by moving to Barraclough to close, and you’re not doing the right thing by not picking him up. Ergo, vis-a-vis, henceforth, Mattingly is making better moves than you. Sorry, had to be said.
Hector Rondon – Here’s me giving it to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted it: the Astros will have a lot of save chances. They’re into June and still no one has been worth using as a closer. Rondon had a season of 30 saves for the Cubs. He’s also been great so far this year. He could be the closer. The level of emphasis on ‘could’ and your level of need is how quickly to pick him up.
Seranthony Dominguez – Gabe Kapler manages a bullpen about as well as Blockbuster managed to hold off Netflix. However, Dominguez should be owned everywhere, whether or not he’s getting saves. He’s the Latin Josh Hader. I will call him Diablo Hades.
Ryan Tepera – Likely the closer in Toronto. Your mileage on how much that helps you may vary. Like from one mile to the miles surrounding Kanye’s ego.
Jose Alvarado – Nearly didn’t even include Alvarado, because I honestly, seriously, interjectionally, have no idea who the Rays closer is. It could be Chaz Roe for all I know. And the Rays might’ve made up the name Chaz Roe and no such person exists! I don’t know. If I were speculating on the Rays’ bullpen, I’d go Alavarado.
Frankie Montas – I’m low key interested in Montas, but his peripherals are pretty bizzonkers. Like going into business selling the candy, Bonkers, and your business cards say, “I’m Bizzonkers.” First of all, selling a candy no one wants is objectively crazy. Second, why did you make business cards? Just sell those shizzes. Third of all, there’s no third of all. With all of that said, Montas throws hard and has good command.
Joe Musgrove – I know his last start wasn’t Denzel in Glory great, but it wasn’t awful and I want to see more. However, his next start isn’t the best of matchups.
Javier Baez – I was looking at the Player Rater and scrolling down the names, using my finger, because that’s how I read, and it went like this: Betts, Trout, Jo-Ram, Just Dong, Scherzer, yadda, yadda, JAVIER BAEZ?! Okay, I know he’s been great, I mean, dur, but whoa, Cousin Sweatpants, he’s not this good. He’s a three-day cold streak from Maddon moving him down the lineup. Not saying that would be the right thing to do, but you know that’s always an option with Maddon. His HR/FB% is way up, his Hard Contact is okay, but far from elite, and his fly balls are down. I’d look at the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer to see what you can reasonably get for him. Of course, that doesn’t mean sell him for a haircut from Stevie Wonder.