Finally, the Rays took a cue from Fox, and started Jake Bauers‘ clock. Here’s an updated 24: FBI agent, breathlessly, into a phone, “The President is in danger!” Assistant to the FBI director lowers the phone, speaks to the director, less breathlessly, “Have you tried Thai basil chicken?” FBI director, “Basil in Thai dishes always make me think there should be tomato sauce. Ya know, Italians have that basil thing already.” FBI agent into the phone, breathlessly, “Did you hear me, the President’s in danger!” FBI assistant, “Um, yeah, you’ve been on vacay, and we’re no longer taking matters of the President’s safety as seriously as much as we once did.” I keed! Don’t hit me with your political agenda. So, Jake Bauers was called up to presumably play every day. I mean, if the Rays waited this long to bring him up, they’re not doing it for a bench bat. He’s a little bit of everything vs. a lot of one thing, which is less exciting in short-term, but could be something long-term. His Steamer projections are yawnstipating 7/8/.238 (click his name to see projections), but I could see him being a bit closer to 9/16/.265/.345. Not bad, not great. Breathlessly, “He’s okay.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Taylor – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th steal, hitting .215, hitting near-.275 in the last week, which for him is downright schmotatoey. Raimel Tapia must look at Taylor like Eric Stoltz looks at Back to the Future.
Anthony Rendon – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .268. I’ve told you to buy Rendon about five times in the last week. Will keep telling you, until it’s too late. Then, when it’s too late, I will scream it’s too late with tears running down my face. Then I will softly repeat myself, and it will be terrifying.
Jonny Venters – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Wait, so you’re saying a reliever starting a game could be as bad as a starter starting a game? Oh, c’mon, that doesn’t even make sense!
Yoenis Cespedes – Ran the bases yesterday. Or if Killer Mike’s reading, run the bases fast, run them, run the bases fast, run them.
Jose Reyes – The Mets are discussing the release of Reyes, but they know how much he’s loved by fans and want to give him a proper sendoff. That’s not a joke, this is really what’s going on. That’s like George Lucas saying, “I know how much fans love Jar Jar Binks, so I’d love to see a Binks prequel. Future: A-Jar has a great ring.” Only Binks didn’t assault anyone. At least not physically.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.57 vs. Dylan Bundy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.04. This matchup was billed as, “The Battle of the Immovable Offense vs the Stoppable Force.” Round one goes to the Stoppable Force.
J.P. Crawford – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the DL. Jerry Potato could hurt Kingery’s playing time, but Kingery was kinda hurting his own case anyway.
Seranthony Dominguez – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA up to 0.56. All good things must come to…how does that saying end again? Kapler was abusing Dominguez’s goodwill, throwing him for a ton of innings. I’d guess he gets another save chance to redeem himself, but bullpens, man, bullpens.
Jose Quintana – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, and back-to-back solid starts. Has lowered his ERA from 4.78 to 4.20 in that time. Next stop, a sub-4 ERA.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .251. HR to the Rizzo! Guarantee he hits at least 32 homers this year, which means he has a ton more in the tank. Rizzo is whatever I say he is! Sorry, was listening to Eminem.
Chase Anderson – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.57. Chase needed an early bailout due to a subprime performance.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Damn, his ERA is high for him this year. I need to look under the hood. Pardon me. *looks at his stats* Hmm, so I mentioned this in the preseason and it still holds. He had a late start for his career so it might be surprising to you to hear he’s 31 years old. I mention that because his velocity is down (age?) and his Ks have disappeared along with that butter fastball – butterball? — and with it his xFIP is the highest since he broke out in 2014. Sadly, Carrasco no longer appears to be an ace.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-3, 1 run and three steals (9, 10, 11), hitting .232. Yo, Greg Allen, feed grapes to The King of SAGNOF, Keeper of the Steals, Founder of 2nd Base, Heir to Brock, Leader Off First, Warden of the Base Paths!
Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.20. Against the Marlins? Are you kidding? Is your full name Jacksonville and you lost a bet to Miami? You’re killing me, Flaherty. So, he gets the Padres next, hopefully he remembers he’s supposed to beat terrible teams.
Trevor Richards – Recalled by the Marlins, after they recalled they’re starting Elieser Hernandez. Here’s what I said previously about Richards, “This preseason Richards said he was one or two days away from giving up baseball. How could anyone be one or two days away from giving up anything? You’re either going to give it up or you’re not. No one says they’re going to give up something in two days unless they’re never giving it up. Yeah, and I’m two days away from giving up boba. Other interesting tidbits I found in my research, Trevor Richards went to Drury University. Did you have to hit .240 with no power at 3rd base to get into Drury University? Hey, Trevor Richards, Brandon Drury doesn’t even have a college! Any hoo! Richards lives mostly with a changeup and 90 MPH fastball, and I wouldn’t touch him outside of NL-Only leagues.” And that’s me quoting me!
Derek Dietrich – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .288, and near-.500 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Lewis Brinson – 3-for-5, and two homers (8, 9). Sure, I’ll be cyclops’ing him, but he is hitting .172 on the year, and one of his homers came off Gyorko. Yes, that Gyorko, jerko.
Andrelton Simmons – Hit the DL with an ankle sprain. Like he has ankles! Was I born yesterday?
Shohei Ohtani – Left yesterday’s game with a blister. If he goes blind soon, we’ll know the cause.
Blake Parker – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 5th save, ERA at 2.73. He’s clearly the closer in Anaheim, which is to say The Sciosciapath could use anyone for the next save. Kidding (not really).
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yo, I think Lance Broetc. fixed Cody! Check out his Cody Bellinger breakdown just like the Dodgers must’ve. Wait, that means Dave Roberts reads. Hmm…
Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .353. And you laughed when Kemp said he was in the best shape of his life. Dude was eating rice cakes to regain your love, and you scoffed, you scoffer!
Caleb Ferguson – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER. *raises glass* To every one of you who was a minute too late to waivers to pick him up. You’re laziness is finally paying dividends, just as you hoped.
Trevor Williams – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.18. Feels like only two months ago we were flying. Now TW-eh is shuttering. I’ve been slowly moving people off him in the comments, and, unless your league is deep, it’s hard to stay in on him.
Corey Dickerson – 3-for-4, 4 runs, hitting .324. Was about to talk him up, and say how he’s hitting .400 in the last week, but then I saw he’s owned in 90% of leagues. He has five homers on the year with three steals! I mean, I see the average, but huh? Y’all confuse me sometimes.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .296. Because I remember everything, it’s a gift (curse), I said not that long ago something like, “How good could Benintendi be even if he’s good?” And that’s me paraphrasing me! (Quite the memory.) Well, Benintendi has been better than ‘just good.’ He caught that “He better, he better, he Betts” fever.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.68. I know, he’s pitched better than this, but I’m all about the Stream-o-Nator with him. Sorry, can’t get it up. It being my trust, you sicko!
Jurickson Profar – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, and three homers in the last two games. Someone forgot to bring the donuts to their Launch Angler meeting. Forgetting the donuts is a good thing in this instance. Only this instance. Definitely grab Profar to see if he can keep it going.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. The Rangers are putting a hurt on A’s like they’re in 8th grade gym class and someone sees I’m wearing brown underwear and they scream that I’m just wearing those to hide stains and they wedgie it up–What was I saying? Let’s move on.
Daniel Mengden – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.45. He was the aforementioned brown underwear.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Reddick was dealing with leg infection. Sounds more like Josh Redlegs. Amiright?!
Evan Gattis – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs line!
Hector Rondon – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and the save for the Astros, ERA at 1.64. Goodbye, Kyle Crick, hello, Hector Rondon! Hey, stranger things have happened. Like 11 dressing like she’s in the Beat It video, that was a stranger thing on Stranger Things. At this point, the Astros might see one save and give a guy the job. Plus, Rondon had 30 saves one year for the Cubs. I’m in.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .224. 2nd homer in as many games. Though, now that I’ve noticed his batting average, I kinda want him to get a couple of 3-hit games to take the edge off.
Jon Jay – Traded to the Diamondbacks. The Federalist gets around more than Benjamin Franklin’s merkin. Nowhere that The Federalist goes is going to increase his fantasy value to worthwhile for mixed leagues, unless he’s hot. In NL-Only leagues, you own everyone, so there’s that.
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 2nd three-hit game in a row and has hits in nine of the past ten games and two homers in that time. *pulls on collar* “Hey does it feel like it’s getting stuffy in here?” The maitre’d points, “We just shut the Buy Low window.” “Could you reopen it?” “No.”
Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.88. Stream-o-Nator is not going to like him much, because he’s been bad for so long, but his peripherals are better than they’ve been in three years. Not saying I’m buying him across all leagues, but I’m a lot more interested today then I was four starts ago.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting .282. I’d say hot schmotato, but he might mishear me and eat it.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer and 2nd in as many games, hitting .338. That’s it, poppa, get hot so you’re not being out-homered by Matt Adams. Not saying Adams isn’t good, but you’re Freddie Freakin’ Freeman!
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Also, in this game, Aaron Judge hit his 17th. Who wants to bet me Giancarlo hits more homers than Judge this year? I’ll give you a plus 4. C’mon, I got money for a bet I will welch on burning a hole in my pocket!
Sonny Gray – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.81. *laughs hysterically for five minutes, stops abruptly, turns to mirror* Eff you, Gray. If you wanna go back in on this schmohawk, be my guest. I dropped him five starts ago and I will never look back. Wow, that sounds so healthy…and bitter.
Sam Gaviglio – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.51. Out of curiosity, was there 175 MPH winds blowing in at Rogers Centre. I know that stadium isn’t exactly conducive to winds, but, please, humor me. Any hoo! Sammy “The Bull” Gaviglio is an 88 MPH hurler who relies mostly on his slider. Gets decent ground balls, and Ks (8.2), has solid command (2.2 BB/9), and is currently blowing his minor league numbers out of the water like a horny mermaid. Not buying. Sorry, SG.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Will miss a day or two with a leg injury. Damn, I thought he was better than this. A leg injury never stopped Lieutenant Dan.
Jon Gray – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.66. I have to own him because my league is deep. Don’t bother inducing your own ulcer.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .196. After Anthony Rendon, Desmond is my number one Buy. Dude’s about to drop so much butter, he’s going to be LOL’ing all over the place. Land o’ Lakes, that’s what LOL means, right?