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What could be if Byron Buxton could only stay healthy…*wavy lines* “Whoa, dream sequence! What’s this, a rainbow with a map to its natural end? I will follow this! Wow, only three years later to find the end of this rainbow, I should’ve drove! Hey, look…a pot! Let me see what’s in it…Gold? Meh, whatever…Ooh, Byron Buxton being a 40/20/.260 hitter in 162 games, and a battery for my calculator watch that I couldn’t find after the Radio Shack by me went out of business…this dream sequence is amazing!” *wavy lines* Oh, man, here I am still with a calculator watch that’s stuck on the 1’s and 2’s. Though, Buxton is healthy, but I don’t have him on any teams. Dreams don’t exist. Buxton is an easy top 10 outfielder in 2021, if he stays healthy. That “if” is the size of a Greek grandmother’s gams. Yesterday, he went 5-for-5, 2 runs with a slam (8) and legs (2). Hopefully, he stays working longer than this dumb watch. Also, in this game, Josh Donaldson (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer, as he reminds everyone his initials are J.D. too; Jorge Polanco (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer, reminding everyone they drafted him; Mitch Garver (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd and 4th homer, and, after the game, he read on the broadcast a love letter sent to him by someone who he wouldn’t name, only holding up a tub of CoolWhip, wonder who that could be. Finally, Willians Astudillo (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer, and he exclaimed, “Hot dog!” as he reached into his pocket and ate one as he rounded the bases. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.96. Okay, fine I’ll look at his peripherals to see if it’s real. *opens Happ’s player page* God, no. Yuck! His stats are awful. If Streamonator is interested, then fine, stream him, but blech.
Logan Allen – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 9.19. He sounds like a furniture store and yesterday he gave you something to sit on, his big fat middle finger.
Shane McClanahan – Called up to start on Thursday. Prospect Itch literally just wrote 12,000 words about him in his Shane McClanahan fantasy. All I’ll say is I grabbed him, but I would expect Opener-type usage until I see different.
Cole Irvin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.67. ERA is deceiving there though, he’s strung together three solid starts. He has a 1.3 BB/9, and that’s not a small sample talking. With that sorta command, it’s hard to have huge blowups. Would take some bad BABIP luck. Would be shocked if he can throw more than 75 IP (then Daulton Jefferies will be promoted, I’d guess), but Irvin looks safe-ish, considering there’s only 72 1/3 career MLB innings on his resume, better than his WPM though.
Mike Yastrzemski – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Ya mean it wasn’t one of those back-in-three-days oblique strains? Crazy. Mike Tauchman (3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) should see some everyday playing time, and I would grab him in at least 14-team mixed and deeper.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Even in shallow leagues, I’m not dropping Wood. Pun noted, and intended.
Sonny Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.93. Sonavabench! Or rather, Sonnyvabench! That’s all right though, now hopefully he’s back on track.
Justin Turner – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Turner hitting in the AM/PM and looks like Toomgis.
Kyle Hendricks – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.54, and pitchslapped by Ynoa. Hendricks is out there playing The Star Spangled Banner on a guitar with a broken string. He hadn’t allowed a home run on his curve since 2018; he did twice last night, and once by the pitcher. He allowed ten homers last year in 81 1/3 IP; he’s allowed nine in 20 1/3 IP. He’s allowed seven homers in the 1st inning this year; previous worst mark was 10 HRs in 33 starts in ’18. His curve is not working, so he’s relying on a 86 MPH fastball, i.e., batting practice. Maybe Hendricks fell asleep to the news that the Pioneer League is trying to decide extra inning games with a Home Run Derby and he was accidentally hypnotized, but I wouldn’t trust him in any league, and drop in shallower.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. OZUNA hear crack of bat. OZUNA know ball is gone. OZUNA say goodbye immediately after crack.
Austin Riley – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .286. Oh, oh, oh, Riley! Not auto parts!
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .247, gonna be hitting .350 by next week this time, gonna win the Triple Crown by end of year–*snatches quarter from wishing well* This is my dream! They’re all my dreams!
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .213. The Braves team is some Jekyll and Hyde-ass players. They went from a “not a no-hitter” no-hitter to realizing they are one of the best lineups in baseball.
Huascar Ynoa – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Efficiency isn’t his strong suit, and I DON’T HAVE ANY LEAGUES WITH AN EFFICIENCY CATEGORY.
Kyle Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Kyle Lewis Can’t Lose!
Luis Torrens – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Torrens illegally downloads all his movies.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.51, but, naturally, he was out-pitched by Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (1 hit), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Listen, deGrom, kid, you go against one of the best Pivettas to ever do it, and these things happen.
Clint Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .158. It feels like months ago I drafted this guy, and weeks ago since I dropped him. Will cyclops but needs to show me more first.
Mike Ford – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Excuse me, Mike Ford, I mustache you a question. Do you groom your hairlip?
Gio Urshela – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Was kidding the other day when I said Urshela is the only Yankees’ bat that is hitting, but it’s not entirely a joke; this was his 2nd homer in four games, and looks like a slight schmotato.
Domingo German – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.05. My thoughts on Kluber yesterday are repeated here. Let me see these guys do this against a team other than the O’s. Also, Streamonator doesn’t like his next start.
Bryce Harper – Hit in the face with a 97 MPH fastball. I. Can. Not. Believe. He. Walked. Off. The. Field. There’s a new Nails in Philly. It was terrifying just watching it. Much respect to Bryce Harper. I kid him a lot because he seems like a douche, but holy crap he took one off his cheek that was inches from his eye. I’d imagine he misses at least a few games, but who knows? He did walk off the field like en bee dee.
Brad Miller – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .344. He’s been one of the hottest bats in the Phils’ lineup, but you have to have some real galaxy brain shizz going on to bat him leadoff.
Johan Oviedo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 ks, ERA at 2.79. I believe this was a spot start, so I’ll save 95% of what I’m gonna say and just say, he looked dope.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Au Shizz!
Tyler O’Neill – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (1), hitting .217, but three homers in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ryan Weathers – Left after one inning with arm soreness. Q: You know who knows an inconvenient truth about the Weathers news? A: Gore
Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-1, and his 2nd homer, as he pinch-hit. For what it’s Cronenworth, I still have him in leagues, and it’s been a little bit of a struggle, so I’m happy to see this.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 1 runs. He’s hitting .420 in 69 at-bats. Nice.
Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .295, and his 17th homer in the last three games. When he looks at his stats, does he scream his own name in vain? By the way, someone linked to a story in the Miami Herald yesterday about how Aguilar’s offseason training was eating arepas. They missed on the title: Aguilar Says No To Arugula.
Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.19. I like Sandy, so don’t take this the wrong way, but Brewers are such a bad hitting team.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .325. It’s not a stretch to say Wong is the best hitter Milwaukee has right now. It’s also not a stretch for Wong, if they lowered these dang urinals! I’m a short king! Wong will, of course, be in Friday’s Buy, and it will be available today on Patreon., as soon as I upload this ding, dang, Wong thing.
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he was dropped to the six-hole. He responded by homering but that’s always a tricky thing, because the dumbest of managers will then be like, “Bell hits best in the six-hole, we have to leave him there.”
George Springer – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Looking back on it, I realize now I shouldn’t have asked Brian for his ex-wife’s phone number. I thought their divorce was finalized.”
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Hit the IL with a glute strain. Geez, someone’s butthurt.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. -1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .197. “Hey, I know this is unconventional, but if we drop him in the tank with the piranhas–Wait! Gurriel moved! He’s alive!”
Bo Bichette – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .253. What I said about the Braves, but double it for the Jays. They’re gonna be so ridiculously tough if they get everyone hitting.
Rowdy Tellez – Optioned to the alternate site. Preseason Guy, “Rowdy has to play, he’s too talented!” During The Season Guy, “He was just optioned down for a few days while the Jays face lefties.” Mean’s while, During The Season Guy discreetly drops all his shares of Rowdy Tellez. Just own it, During The Season Guy. “You own it, you giant creep, and your Rowdy Tellez sleeper post!” I wrote it prior to the Springer and Semien signing! “I don’t care!” Okay, me and During The Season Guy will continue this on our own time.
Steven Matz – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.00. This start came against the Nats, and it must’ve been like when you’re out with your college friends, and you run into your high school friends. “Hey, is that you Scooter?” New college friends are like, “Scooter?” Old friends, “Yeah, we call him that because he once pooped himself at a party, and scooted on the grass to wipe himself.” In other words, the Jays were like, “Wow, Matz is an ace.” Then his high school friends showed up outside of the H&M and were like, “Your new clothes don’t make you a good pitcher, Matz.”
