Leonys Martin was designated for assignment.  His assignment is to go back in time and impress 2016 Grey less, so he doesn’t write a sleeper post about him.  On Saturday, Indians were saying Martin’s DFA’ing is more to do with Mercado getting a boost of confidence vs. Bobby Bradley getting promoted, and the Indians were lying.  Bobby Bradley was called up on Sunday. Fun fact!  After Bobby Brady lost a pie-eating contest, his father Mike told him to take the L like a man and disowned him, so he briefly went by Bobby Bradley. Bradley has 24 HRs in 67 games, hitting .292, but has some Ks, so the average could come down, but the power is not going anywhere since the majors are using a SuperBall. As Prospect Mike said yesterday in his Bobby Bradley fantasy, even with the balls stuck with Capri Sun straws, dripping juice, Bradley could still hit 20 homers the rest of the way and every fantasy team could use him.  I tried to grab him in every league, but was too slow.  Don’t worry, I just did two lines of coke to avoid that ever happening again, but now my nose is dripping with a secret formula of caramel flavoring.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was called up to fill-in for Clevinger for a few starts.  Civale looks like a 6.5 K/9, 2 BB/9, 4.25 ERA pitcher, which is whatever outside of AL-Only leagues.  On the other hand (were we using hands?), Civale doesn’t throw with much velocity, which is my new ‘ he throws with a lot of velocity,’ so I’m just gonna be a subtle cyclops.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .293.  Rizzo or Carlos Santana?  Okay, Rizzo, but it’s not LudicRizz.

Zach Plesac – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.33. At least he was no Trevor Bauer! You can run Plesac out there for his next start, but this was a Streamonator call I pointed out in Friday’s Buy.

Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.18, as he was recalled after a quick jaunt to Lake Elsinore for a kayak excursion with some friends at Single-A. As John Denver’s last known quote went, “The rapids were as lively as our conversations–holy crap!” If someone dropped Paddack in your league, I would grab him again.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and scored on a sac fly to the 2nd baseman on the edge of the grass, which doesn’t mean anything for fantasy, but the Padres should be held up as the way to turn your franchise around in *counting fingers* ten years?  Either way, Padres are super sexy now.

Dakota Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.36.  Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, but I’m not sure how you can afford to not start a guy with a 3.36 ERA, unless he’s in Coors, and he’s not.  Guess you could say I’m Dakota Stanning.

Jordan Hicks – Diagnosed with triceps tendinitis, and the Cardinals say he can be fine after a few days of rest.  Oh…*swims the Pacific Ocean wearing water wings*…kay. Tyler Webb got the save on Saturday, but that was a last-minute decision because Hicks was suddenly hurt.  It would seem that Carlos Martinez or John Gant would replace Hicks, in that order.  Or rather Gant would get most saves, if he didn’t give up FOUR EARNED RUNS in only A THIRD OF AN INNING at the very end of the week and ruin my entire week.

Tyler Skaggs – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.30, but now two straight solid starts, and gets a cushy next matchup at home that he will rock or get rocked, because we can’t have anything nice, did John Gant really just do that?  He did, didn’t he?

Vince Velasquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.40.  It says here that VV is back in the rotation.  “Here” is somewhere I don’t fully trust, so we’ll see.  Prolly more of a streamer than anything else, and Saturday’s start was a solid one.

Enyel De Los Santos – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.36.  Phils would’ve been better with a spot start from Enya.

Wilkin Castillo – On Saturday, Wilkin got his first hit since 2009.  In his last game 3,654 days ago, Wilkin also had a hit, so he now has the longest hitting streak.  Eat a D, Joe D!  His two hits were nearly separated by ten years, with his last hit coming on June 20th.  That really is bonkers.  Michael Jackson died five days after his last hit, triggering grief worldwide.  Ten years later, he’s a trigger warning.

Garrett Cooper – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .324.  Doode is so frustrating to own.  You almost have to own him in a weekly league, because, at some point during the middle of the week, you will hear he’s going on the IL and, in a daily league, you will bench him or drop him and then he’ll return two days later and homer.

J.T. Riddle – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and third in four games.  Schmotato, sure, but the Phillies pitchers are all a bunch of Jamie Moyers with their homers allowed.

Brian Anderson – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer.  I went to our Player Rater, expecting to say, “Anderson is better than (fill-in name) and you’re so surprised by that!”  But Anderson has not been better than many.

Jordan Yamamoto – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 0.95.  Yamamoto on the Interstate, doing trucker speed and having unprotected sex with homeless fantasy team owners who drafted Corey Kluber in the 2nd round.  His walks yesterday are a little deceiving, since he gave up three quick in the 1st that led to his two runs, then settled in.  Hard to not recommend Him-amoto.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.27.  Okay, now he goes to Coors next to face a team that just saw him.  You putting your marbles where your mouth are and starting him?

Mike Foltynewicz – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.37 as he was optioned down to the minors.  Faultysandalsresortwitz should be sent to the IL, because he obviously hasn’t been right all year.   I ain’t tryin’ to be mean, but if you owned Faultysandwichwitz up until the point the Braves sent him down, you don’t deserve to win your league. I have literally told you for six weeks he’s droppable.

Craig Kimbrel – Could be called up by Thursday or Friday.  Now’s the time to sell Strop to an owner who’s been in a coma for three weeks.  Just sneak into their hospital room and use their hand to okay the trade.

Jose Quintana – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.50.  I’m not saying Quintana is hurt.  I’m saying I’d like to hurt him.  Holy eff bombs, Batman!  You must be Jo-Qu’ing, you giant schmohawk!  Get the effin eff off my team!  I hate you!  I hate you!  *cries into the shoulder of my Giancarlo beanbag* Not you, Giancarlo…Not…you.

Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.92 vs. Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.25.  I feel like there’s something to gleam for fantasy from Hamels and deGrom going head to head. Could it be that they’re next to each other on the Player Rater, but deGrom was drafted about 150 spots earlier? Nah, that’s too obvious.

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.69.  Anime Grey calls him a Buy in the video at the top of the page.  I agree with Anime Grey.  Smart ‘toon that guy.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-2 and his 27th homer.  Albombso!

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 5.11.  Feel similar to Kikuchi as I do to Foltynyuk-nyuk-nyukwitz. If you own Kikuchi still, your league is crazy deep, or you’re not playing to win.

J.P. Crawford – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .300. Has been playing, but he was hitting .222 for the week with no power, so it may as well be ‘has-been playing.’

Travis Shaw – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .167.  The MVPshaw is back! Hmm, that kinda undercuts it by saying ‘pshaw.’ Maybe that’s what makes it perfect.  MVPshaw!

Orlando Arcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and maybe risin’ schmotato, but he’s hitting .125 in the last week and always in the 7 or 8 hole.

Brandon Woodruff – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.01.  Wouldn’t say he has the best peripherals, but top 25 peripherals? Yeah, I could see a case for that.  He does have the 10th best xFIP, tied with Frankie Montas…*pours some out from 40 ounce of Olde English* That’s not beer, that’s Montas’s tainted urine.

Joey Votto – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .260.  Joey is still alive and kicking!  Which is what an Australian says after running over a baby kangaroo.

Mike Soroka – Left after being hit on the elbow by a pitch.  He seemed swole, as in mad not as in swollen, but we await word of tragedy, because no one can have a nice pitcher this year.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .263.  Two more home runs until he’s injured or three more homers until I never talk about this prediction again.

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 18th homer, hitting .286.  Also, in this game, Juan Soto went 1-for-5, hitting .305, with his 12th homer.  Tildaddy says you can have some Sexy Dr. Pepper!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 0-for-5, hitting .246. Home Run Derby is stupid, so I kinda don’t care that MLB decided to put Vlad Jr. in it, but…ACTUALLY, if his name were Albert Belle Jr. would he be considered for the Home Run Derby with the garbage he’s done so far?  Why not make him earn it and not have the Home Run Derby be a participation trophy?

Eric Sogard – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .305. I added him last week, and if Eric Sogard’s name was Eric Soguerrero Jr., he’d be in the Home Run Derby. True or False.

Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.04.  This game came in Fenway, and I’m not sure there’s any reason to not own him with how he’s pitched all year.  I can give you some peripherals that are less than ideal, but he has a 3.04 ERA, so *shrugs*

J.A. Happ – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.23.  Just Awful living up to his name.

DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .322.  After the game, LeMahieu stayed late to help Judge and Giancarlo with their launch angles.

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .333. He hit his 5th inning homer off his ankles, five inches inside to the upper deck.  He’s 21 years old.  Zoinks!

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer.  Any ideas what he’s batting?  I know, I know, I KNOW! He missed some time, but any ideas?  If you’re saying .255, you’re too high, like that chair for Altuve.

Tyler White – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st career grand slam, and 3rd (!) homer, hitting .229.  El Oso Gordo!

Blake Parker – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 10th save on Saturday.  You know what’s making for a giant closerfudge?  Some of the best teams in the majors won’t stick to one gee-dee closer. I know Parker came into the 10th, but Taylor Rogers was used in the 8th, not exactly a save situation there.

Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.02. Opens fortune cookie and reads, “Pitchers all suck.”  Not sure if I’m ready to hear this yet, Confucius.

Luis Arraez – 4-for-4, hitting .436, but played due to Schoop being temporarily sidelined, and Ehire injured and working on his LinkedIn competitor site.  So, still only A Little Respect in AL-Only for Arraez? Sure.

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Welcome back, Dozier!  *sees Brian Dozier snacking on the ‘Welcome Back, Dozier’ donuts* Get out of here, Brian!  They’re not for you!

Danny Santana – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Black & white silhouette of a curtain blowing in the breeze.  An ice cube sensually glides down a potato.  Dannys Antana steps into frame, “No one comes between me and my hot schmotato.”

Domingo Leyba – 0-for-1, as he was called up by the Diamondbacks to. Dot dot dot. Not play?  Yo, the Diamondbacks are dumb.  Do they think their bench is a booby trap like in Indiana Jones and once Kevin Cron was removed they needed a new bag of sand in prospect, Domingo Leyba?  Even if they wanted to play Leyba, I honestly have no idea where they’d do it.

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .242.  Shut up, brain, don’t point out how he has more homers than David Dull.  Brain, “You did it for me.”  Doh!

David Dahl – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer.  Send that ball straight to Dullsville!

Garrett Hampson – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 2nd steal, as he played centerfield.  If the Rockies put out a CD with all of their classics on it, not playing Hampson for months at infield, then playing him in center would be a classic cut.  Right after:  Tony Wolters, Starting Catcher.

Chris Taylor – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in a week, hitting over .400 in the last week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Liam Hendriks – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.49, and the save on Saturday.  Blake Treinen went on the Ineffective List on Saturday, as I predicted on Friday.  King stay King!  King stay King!  King stay King!  Which is also what I’ve been shouting around my house all weekend.  Cougs hasn’t always appreciated it, but she’s committed to staying with me until she finds someone else.  Hendriks could be the closer the rest of the year; something is wrong with Treinen.  Also, Trivino’s been broke since his hand injury in May and Joakim Soria’s been broken since 2017.

Brett Anderson – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.26.  Pitching for the A’s team, B.A. Brokeass.

Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he hits leadoff.  On one hand, all he has going for him is he’s an ex-Mets player.  On the other hand, that might be all anyone needs.

Yonny Chirinos – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00.  Been getting some pushback about not loving the Yonster as much as maybe I should.  First of all, as every disgraced minister will tell you, you don’t know what’s in my heart and how much I like someone. I am fondy of Yonny, but it is beyond-y obvious his peripherals (7.2 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 4.08 xFIP) are more yawny, than a gorgeous 36-29-38 blondey.

Diego Castillo – Hit the IL with “Whatever the hell is going around major league bullpens.”  It’s a closerpocalype!  People run past the camera, screaming. One guy runs up five inches from camera and screams, “I didn’t even have a chance to put on my contacts!” So, in Castillo’s place…Was he even the closer?  I think so, but whatever happened with Jose Alvarado?  Did he stop the Venezuelan civil unrest and make it back?  I’d prolly go with Emilio Pagan, then Alvarado for saves in the short-term, then Alvarado long-term.