Maybe I’m just a guy that puts feety pajamas on over his head. Maybe I walk into a Subway and ask a sandwich artist, “Do you smell onions?” Maybe I stare at people playing Jenga and try to move the pieces with telekinesis. Maybe I pronounce the D in Django. Maybe I call diner waitresses “Sweetheart” and old guys “Sonny.” Maybe I could be wrong, but Austin Riley (2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .320) feels like he’s headed to be a top 25 player drafted next year. In December of last year, I wrote an Austin Riley sleeper. I have hand eyes like in Pan’s Labyrinth, and those hands are pressed up against Statcast. I said in that sleeper that Riley was a guy who could be drafted after 250 and have top 50 overall value. It was December and I wrote that in November, so while I was very fortune tellery to foresee Austin Riley, his ADP was 202th overall in NFBC, not 250. Still huge value if the top 50 value comes to fruition. As I mentioned last week, he flattened his swing a lot, becoming more of a .280 hitter, than the .240 one he was coming into the year. The only question mark now is with a flatter swing, can he still homer? This week’s six homers does a good job of saying flatter does not make the ironing bored. Pun…and a miss! Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Max Fried – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Give me the Beach Boys and Fried my soul…
Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Been getting a few people in the comments fed up with Swanson, which makes me think now is a great time for people to go out and buy him low. Admittedly, better before the Sunday homer. By the by, Sunday Homer is a dope name for a daughter. Then when she gets older, and says some batshizz crazy thing, she can be like, “Just call me Miss Homer.”
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Started a rehab assignment. Good to hear he still plays baseball. Somehow, dude went from a day-to-day injury to literally disappearing for a month like this was a Scooby mystery. I think I know why too. It went like this, “Hey, Pirates, I think I’m ready.” That was a month ago. Then, the Pirates stared at an arbitration clock for four weeks shushing him.
Mitch Keller – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.41. Never seen anyone give up more runs than Keller, which is frequent story for a Keller.
Triston McKenzie – Optioned to the minors. Stretch Armweak should get optioned to the cheese samples in Costco to put on 175 pounds.
Franmil Reyes – Hit the IL with an abdominal strain. He strained himself right where he keeps those $54 Vending Machine Steaks. Absolutely brutal news. No way he gets to 54 homers now, and the injury appeared to be severe, so he might miss six weeks. Cleveland called up Owen Miller (0-for-5), who could honestly not be more different. He’s way more of a Ty France-type. Call him Baguettes McHitTool. He could hit .280, but unlikely much of anything else, so deeper league guy.
Zach Plesac – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.14. Anime Grey in the video at the top of the page told you to sell Plesac. Did you listen to that oddly handsome cartoon character?
Kenta Maeda – Hit the Ineffective List with “Yo, I used to be good, now I’m bad, let’s try to figure this out while pretending I have an injury.” There’s a cure, but you won’t find it at the doctor’s office. You have to find it deep within yourself. That place where the nugget of truth resides that is asking, “Am I really dropping a pitcher I drafted in the top 50 overall?” Yes, you are if you don’t have IL room.
Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 2nd blown save, but got the Win, ERA at 3.20. There’s something psychological with the closer getting the win that assuages the manager. Does it make any sense? No, managers don’t make sense.
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, but was removed due to a hamstring, and replaced by Kyle Garlick (1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer). Takeaway here, Garlick makes a hammy go down easier.
Dylan Cease – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.18. The Regression Fairies keep asking if you’ve tried that fro-yo place and they will destroy your ratios.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .255. Grabbing the two 2020 league MVPs in drafts this year has not paid off like I suspected it would. So far. Their August and Septembers better be wonderful again.
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.47, and finally gave up a lead (Andrew Vaughn with his 3rd homer), only for Aroldis to get his 4th win, when Liam Hendriks was brought in with the bases loaded, and walked in Aaron Judge, for the walk-walk-off. Liam Hendriks was available, and that’s the situation you put him in? They let anyone in the Hall of Fame nowadays, huh?
Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Pab-Lo is so pur-dee.
Cody Poteet – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.06. Fun fact! Poteet is a euphemism for a qweef. By the way, WebMD has that listed as vaginal flatulence, and I can’t figure out which sounds worse. Any hoo! As I said when Poteet, uh, emerged, he could be the type to have a decent run around the league the first time teams see him. In shallower leagues, you can check Streamonator, but it won’t ever like him, and I’d stream anyone vs. that current Mets’ lineup.
Matthew Boyd – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.08. He’s taking the slow road back to mediocrity, like John Travolta after Pulp Fiction. Right now, Boyd’s starring in Michael. I mean, it’s watchable, but also kinda sappy.
Brady Singer – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Singer was in Friday’s Buy column as a Streamonator call, the projected line was 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, 2 walks, 6 Ks. Five hits, not six, you dumb robot!
Spencer Howard – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 7.36, as he was recalled from Lehigh Valley, which sounds almost like the area where women stop shaving in the winter, but that’s Knee-High Valley. Howard’s supposed to be back as a starter in the Phils’ rotation, and I couldn’t be more happy for NL-Only, while waiting-and-seeing in mixers. He has solid strikeouts, but his command could be wonky.
Danny Santana – 0-for-2 and two homers this weekend, as he was called up. And, yes, he used to be good, and, yes, he can be good again. If nothing else, Dannys Antana is at least worth a hot schmotato pickup.
Odubel Herrera – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal, hitting .284, and now hitting 2nd (though, Bryce was out of the lineup). ODB still schmotato’ing.
Victor Robles – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. More like Victor Hobbles.
Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.61. Dude is a poison pill! Go to the IL, you bastard, you’re killing me!
Jesse Winker – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .355. About time he did something. I kid, take a valium, and calm down. Winker was nearly the lede today, but I’ll get him some other time if he continues his Torried pace. He’s playing out of his Whig.
Nick Castellanos – 3-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .356. The Greek God of Hard Contact homered off Bettinger, which was awesome, because I squinted real hard and for a second I thought Bellinger was playing.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .286. Comatose Fantasy Baseballer wakes for the first time since their draft in March, “Hey, how’s the team doing where I started with Yelich and Bellinger? Guys, the doctors say my heart is fine, I can take it. Guys…?”
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (4), hitting .252. Going more on feels, Avisail is the type to homer once every ten games and never get hot, and, yes, I know he just homered a few games ago, but still.
Kendall Graveman – Hit the IL with no injury designation, and the only time a player can do that is when they tested positive for Covid, or have Covid-like symptoms. So I’m really not sure what it is.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.75. Is it normal to be disappointed when a guy doesn’t no-hit a team?
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 3-for-3, 6 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. FTJ! Fun the Jewels! Fun the Jewels!
Dylan Bundy – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.50. Damn, that sure didn’t feel like positive regression…Aggression? So, Bundy is either hurt, or going to be much better. His peripherals are so good for him to be this bad! How’sever, I’d be lying if I said I was waiting around in shallower leagues.
Jared Walsh – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Easily the most frustrating guy in all of baseball for me. Not because I had it so wrong, but because I had it so right and refused to believe myself, fearing the Pujols trap, which isn’t like that place by you with a lunch buffet called The Bare Trap.
Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Allahson, your aim is true.
Michael Fulmer – 0 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.69, as he blew his 1st save, and I’m sorry because I’m sure some of you have him, but I couldn’t be happier to see his crap get rolled and stink up the joint.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 9th homer, hitting .257. He’s having one of those insane counting stats years, where you don’t even realize how good he’s doing on the Player Rater. Wanna guess? No, don’t bother! You can’t! Santana’s been about as good as Freddie Freeman, and better than Matt Olson.
Kris Bubic – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.52. His name is pronounced Boob-eck, which was also what the play-by-play announcer said when Morganna ran out to kiss Dennis Eckersley. As for Bubic, he’s not nearly that good.
Scott Kazmir – 4 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he made his first start since 2016. Might be up to when Aaron Sanchez returns on how long the Giants keep Kazmir in the rotation, or if San Fran’s doing a mimosa tie-in giveaway in the Kaztro. Outside of NL-Only, I’m not interested yet.
Anthony DeSclafani – 2 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 3.54. Why are we surprised The Regression Fairies came so hard for Disco? Most pitchers use sequencing, Disco uses sequins’ing, and The Regression Fairies love that shizz. Oh, well, eventually his pristine ERA was going to crumble and the DeShithitthefani. I’d continue to hold in most leagues.
Max Muncy – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .292. All he does is homer and walk. Max is a true two outcome player, which is oddly enough better than three.
Gavin Lux – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam, and his 2nd grand slam in the last week, hitting .262. He’s the Grand Lux without the crappy food, and interior design that looks like if the Cheesecake Factory vomited gold.
Julio Urias – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.03. I started DeSclafani and Urias in one league, and, sadly, Urias wasn’t able to throw an 18-inning shutout to offset DeShithitthefani.
Pavin Smith – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Mentioned on our podcast a few weeks ago that Pavin turned on a low fastball and hit it out, and if he can keep doing that, well, long story, short, he seems unable to turn on anything else.
Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. That’s a Story I haven’t heard much this year, but, please, tell it to me again and again.
Kohei Arihara – Underwent surgery on a right shoulder aneurysm. Any words ending in -ysm, you really want no part of — cataclysm, aneurysm, Y SM? Which is more just a question when you’re reading a dating profile.
Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.53. On the bright side, he’s pitching meh to okay. On the down side, if he were pitching okay to meh, he could be starting for team U.S. in the Olympics. The roster came out yesterday and it is a who’s who of “Hey, I kinda remember that guy” and Jarren Duran, which perplexed me. So, is Duran not coming up because of the effin’ Olympics? Honestly, I’m asking. Does anyone know?
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .275. Grichuk has never homered, and not turned around and homered the next game. I know that logic doesn’t exactly work, because that would mean if he homered on say the 5th day of the season, he’d end the year with 157 homers, but trust me Grichuk does the hot schmotato like very few.
Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .319. Everything that I worried about in my preseason schmohawk on Teoscar looks like a massive dump of dumb. He has drastically cut his strikeouts, and the Teoscar for Biggest Idiot goes to me. Hey, at least I won something.
Rafael Dolis – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.06, as he entered the 7th. The Jays’ pen is a 60/40 split between Jordan Romano/Dolis. There’s a lot of pens with this sorta split. It would be helpful if we had a glossary term for the two closers on the 60/40 share. Like Maximus/Minimus, but not that, because that sucks. Please suggest in the comments.
Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.42. This start was Ray vs. the Rays but in the home of the Jays, which is right outside the home of the Rays. This blurb was brought to you by Dr. Seuss.
Cavan Biggio – Hit the IL with a cervical spine ligament sprain. His father, Craig, used to have doctors throw MRIs at him, and take them off his elbow pad, but, ya know, built different.