Not quite as spiritually moving as John Lennon, but imagine for a moment Jose Abreu were to actually put together two solid halves in the same year. “Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try. No ‘He’ll end up below Andrus,’ for half the year. Above Andrus only this Jose guy. Imagine Abreu playing a decent, full season like today. Aha-ha… Imagine there’s no countries. It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to drop or trade for, and no ‘Abreu’s so cold it’s like this hell has a fridge in it’ too. Imagine all the people living to get a piece of…Abreu… You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one! I hope some day Abreu’ll be better than Andrus, and play an entire season as one.” So, Jose Abreu hit two homers yesterday (3-for-7, 7 RBIs, and 21st and 22nd HRs), and he’s been great recently, but it’s hard to get that excited about a guy for 2017 who invariably takes three months off every year. Can’t imagine he’s a top 25 player ever again. You-WHO-OOH! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
James Shields – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, but said he tweaked his back. He added, “If you believe a tweaked back is why I looked terrible on Saturday, let’s just say my back has been tweaked since 2014.”
Byron Buxton – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a grand slam (4), and his 3rd homer in his last four games since he was recalled. Maybe you can wait a long time to pick up guys in your league, but if you wait too long, the season’s going to be over. Cust an FYI.
Brian Dozier – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer, hitting .276. That was his 20th homer since the All-Star break. Yeah, that’s the best in the majors. (The top 3 is a tad goofy: Dozier, Gyorko and Khris Davis.)
Miguel Sano – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .239. In retrospect, it’s hard to even picture what other fantasy ‘perts were thinking when they ranked Sano so freakin’ high in the preseason. Lucky you listened to me. You didn’t? Aw, shucks.
Brandon Kintzler – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save. At approximately 4:19 local time, “Yay, Kintzler’s going to get a save!” At approximately 4.20 local time, “Why do I own Kintzler? Seriously. Am I stupid? Answer me, mirror!”
Cam Bedrosian – Will undergo season-ending surgery to address a blood clot in his arm. Or as it’s known in Jamaica “blood clot.” Which is technically the same, but it sounds much cooler there.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, after hitting two homers on Saturday. Because he eats plantar fasciitis for breakfast! Hope that’s scrambled eggs between his toes.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. I don’t know why you’re not adding him either. Fear of success? That’s what you’re mom would say. Don’t worry, she’d never say it to your face.
Matt Shoemaker – Drilled on the head by a line drive, and has a skull fracture. At some point in the near-future, pitchers will be wearing helmets, and Whitey Ford is going to roll over in his casket. I know Whitey isn’t dead, but he sleeps in a casket. I don’t know why, you ask him.
J.C. Ramirez – 2 IP, 1 ER as he worked the 7th and 8th innings. Oh, and Deolis Guerra worked the 2nd and 3rd innings. And Andrew Bailey (1 IP, 0 ER) worked the 9th for the save. This is a joke perpetuated by The Sciosciapath. Since Shoemaker was knocked out early, it’s hard to say who gets the next Angels save, or even if there is one. I’d put Bailey first, but I wouldn’t put Bailey on any of my teams with his 6+ ERA.
Taijuan Walker – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.60. For 2017, do I hear a sleeper four years in a row?!
Tom Murphy – 2-for-2 and his 1st home run as he came in as a pinch-hitter. Above Boston yesterday light clouds floated by, and between those pillowy bridges to heaven someone wrote, “I love Tom Murphy.” Only it wasn’t a skywriter, Prospector Ralph had an orgasm.
Raimel Tapia – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal. He led off in place of Blackmon, though a lot of fans thought there was no change. Tapia looks like he could step in right now and not miss a beat with 10+ HR, 30+ SB, .300+ potential. You know why? Coors. For this year, you’ll just need to watch to see if he’s in the lineup. For next year: let’s hope Blackmon’s gone this offseason.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.58, and now has a 19 inning scoreless streak. Nice, doode, way to start ramping up your 2017 price tag. I streamed him for Saturday’s start, and dropped him when I saw the Stream-o-Nator didn’t like his next start.
Michael Pineda – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.10. He will forever be known as Michael Piñata.
Chris Archer – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.06. It’s time for everyone’s favorite game that you didn’t even realize was a game! What did Grey get vs. his trade partner? So, about two months ago, I traded the White Mountain, JB, Archer for David Price. In 69 2/3 IP, Archer has 3 Wins/3.49/1.03/85 vs. Price’s 6 Wins/2.84/1.19/73 in 82 1/3 IP. (I also threw in Cishek, which was awful for The White Mountain, but we’ll ignore that because I won the trade anyway.) In my top 100 for the 2nd half, I told everyone my number one buy was Price.
J.A. Happ – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 3.34 and his 4th straight poor start. Shizz Happ-ens.
Steven Wright – May not pitch again this year due to lingering shoulder soreness. Shoulder? I thought the only thing a knuckleballer needed was fingernails and a large catcher’s mitt. Basically, a manicurist with a giant labia.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.23 as he moved his record to 19-3. Watch him win the Cy Young award in a year where not one starter in the AL gets any first place votes.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.83. Ed-Rod lost a no-hitter in the 8th inning with two outs because Hanley’s special brand of insouciance led him to not stretch on a close play at first.
Jharel Cotton – Will be recalled on Wednesday to face the Angels. He was the prospect dealt in the Rich Hill deal. A’s should’ve traded Hill for Blistex with a cotton swab. Talk about the makings of terrific O. Henry story. “Now we have Blistex and a cotton swab, and the Dodgers have Hill. We should’ve never did that swab swap. I will now sigh heavily.” That’s O. Henry dealing with irony. Cotton throws hard and is tiny, which works out well for major league pitchers once every few years. I don’t think Cotton’s that once-a-few-years-type arm. Angels aren’t a strong team, so could see a stream, but only if you really need it, nah’mean? I’m a poet and I’m aware of it!
Kendall Graveman – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.81, and his ERA at home is 2.64. The Undertaker at home; The Thunder Down Under by accident when you meant to go to a strip club on the road.
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Where does he get drafted next year? He feels like a guy ESPN and/or Yahoo say something like, “He has the chance to break out, but wins will be hard to come by.” Yeah, well, no dur, except chance for a break out? He has more Ks than IP and a 3.39 ERA in 74 1/3 IP. What does a guy need to do to prove himself? Damn, they are stupid! *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out I was getting mad at a hypothetical situation that may not happen.
Joe Musgrove – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.06. Not to harp like Tupac’s current backup band, but Musgrove is doing what a rookie pitcher does, Snell is doing so much more.
Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.45. September starts mean so much, and they don’t get much more useless than that. To channel my inner Redd Foxx, thanks, Yu big dummy!
Rougned Odor – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .281. That was his fifth homer in his last five games. For those slow on the uptake, this is a 22-year-old 2nd baseman.
Vince Velasquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.12, as the Phils shut him down for the season about three weeks too late. Years and years of data say shut down a guy when he’s under 25 years of age and nearing 30+ innings from the previous year. In 2015, he threw 89 IP. This year: 136. Sorry about your elbow, say the Phils to Velasquez next year.
Adonis Garcia – 0-for-5, but two home runs on Saturday (12, 13). Wouldn’t call him my bae or even Teyana Taylor, who I’m liking in TV-MA ways, but I have enjoyed Adonis.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.89. It sure feels like Roark (and Duffy), two guys I’ve relied on for the better of the season are starting to wind down. I’m gonna give them each one more start to see if they can turn things around, but I (we) might be out soon thereafter. I believe Tony Robbins would call this blurb a stackable moment. You know what I want with stackable moments? A stack made of Legos, so they’re securely fastened, then at the bottom I want a very strong baby grip on them. Like a baby that uses a grip strengthener.
Seth Lugo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Grey 2018 says, “Sucks that Lugo needs an elbow transplant.” Kidding (not really). Tomato-whatever for long term, I would stream him in all home games.
Alexei Ramirez – Was released by the Padres. The Padres should have to write a 1500 word essay to their fans why they signed Ramirez in the first place, which is the only time Padres and first place is ever used in the same sentence. Want more Padres doing some shizz? They held Ramirez all year, and then released him after rosters expand.
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jose De Leon – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners (zero walks), 9 Ks as he was called up. Surprised that he was promoted, the Dodgers only needed him for the last three months. They only called up Urias three months ago and he’s only four years younger than De Leon. Maybe the Dodgers were really trying to clinch that PCL playoff spot, because everyone knows that’s why major league teams do what they do, so their minor league teams can do well. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “The Dodgers must’ve had a reason, De Leon couldn’t have been pitching that well.” Nah, in one of the most hitter-friendly environs in Triple-A, he only had a 2.61 ERA with a 11.6 K/9. Yeah, not good at all. *holds finger up to head, squeezes finger trigger, realizes forgot to load finger* Well, you get the point.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Don’t want to jinx anything but it looks like we might see the good Puig this month.
Yasmani Grandal – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-but he was benched yesterday! Ugh, I hate when I overmanage, which is what I did by moving Grandal to the bench for Contreras and his 13 innings of garbage.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.94. Like in professional wrestling, when a guy has a cut on his forehead, you keep beating on it until it’s completely open and gushing. The Padres should’ve just went after the blister. First hitter of the game for the Padres should’ve been, “Before I take my at-bat, may I shake your hand, Mr. Hill?” Then bam, rip open the wound!
Jonathan Villar – Out with a sore knee, but he pinch-hit yesterday and hit a grand slam (12th HR). Sonavabench!
Domingo Santana – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 5th and 6th homers. Damn, too bad he’s not named Toda la Semana Santana. You can try him, but he’s only playing (and hitting) vs. lefties.
Keon Broxton – 2-for-5, hitting near-.350 in the last week, with four steals in the last eight games. Still hasn’t lost that loving schmotato feeling.
Chris Carter – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .228. If there was any justice, Carter would get a Ryan Howard-sized contract that a team would completely regret.
Gerrit Cole – Expected to return on September 12th. I’ll tell you what, nothing cures a guy’s elbow like seven to nine days of rest. Better than Tommy John surgery, if I may be so bold.
Jung Ho Kang – Will be activated from the DL today. He’s excited to be back to face the Redbirds. We’ll see how he feels when he realizes Redbirds isn’t girls he’s embarrassed by exposing himself.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.89 on Pirates (4.34 overall). I streamed Nova in this start, and would again. I also streamed PBS’s Nova on my app, because I’m old. If my 15-year-old self could see me wanting to watch PBS, I’d get pantsed and punched.
Jose Fernandez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.03. Please shut him down. For the love that all is holy. Which also goes for those of you reading this while peering through two bagels.
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .311, and has two homers this weekend, three homers this week, two homers this month, nine homers this year, and you get the point.
Fernando Rodney – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and his 3rd blown save, and has given up five earned in his last two appearances. I wish I could say I didn’t pick up A.J.Ramos, because he’s been getting knocked around recently too, but I did. Such a glutton for SAGNOF.
John Lackey – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.36, as he was activated from the DL. Not totally surprised to see him return looking solid, his injury felt like a “Let’s just rest that horse-toothed jackass, so we have him for the playoffs” type.
Michael Fulmer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.77. The theme of this post is shut down young pitchers. Not as catchy as the Razzball podcast theme, but what is? Hotline Bling? It was rhetorical, Random Italicized Voice.
Daniel Norris – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.74. Now, we’re down to wondering what a guy is going to do in his next start, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like Norris’ next one, but, if we were thinking long-term, I called Norris a sleeper this past preseason, and will again this next one.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Damn, I gotta feeling like the Black Eyed Peas that Just Dong is going to be undervalued next year. By the hoo, you see that new video Black Eyed Peas are pushing to be their We Are The World? Once you put a Kardashian in it, your gravitas goes to level Pluto. The former planet or the Disney character.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .239. See what I said for Abreu, but imagine Upton played well for six months rather than six random weeks.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .268. Real bet, within three years, Alcides will be signed or traded to the Padres. You know those sucka Padres are considering it. C’mon, I’ll bet you the revenue of one webpage, about .00001 of a tenth of a penny.
Dan Straily – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.83. I picked him up to stream him, but got a case of the chickens, and dropped him before lineups locked. He had the kind of start that I’m not entirely sure I regret missing. For Future reference, Jumpman. For future reference for Straily, he has a sub-3 ERA at home.
Billy Hamilton – Out with a strained oblique. Getting Hamilton tickets is easier than keeping Hamilton on the field. He’s likely done for the year, but I’d hold him for another day to see what the Reds say.
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .231. He won NL Player of the Month with 7 HRs and a .284 average. (He didn’t really win it, but no one has any idea who wins PotM, so he could’ve.)
Mike Leake – Should be activated in the next day or so after battling shingles. You know the best way to beat shingles? Planking.
Aledmys Diaz – Started his rehab assignment in High-A Palm Beach. After the game, he married a rich widow, invested in a company that is really a shadow company used to embezzle and hit Mizner Park to recreate Tucker Max stories.