Aint No Thingler Like A Dillon Dingler

Yesterday, to honor Dillon Dingler, I did as I’ve done every day this summer, I dressed up like a poop emoji to watch the Tigers game from my house. I’m the Head Dingler Dangler, as you know. Unfortunately, I went outside to grab my Postmates (three-bean burrito, no lettuce), when my neighbor yelled at me, “Hey, aren’t you going to clean that up?” Shut up, Todd! I’m not actual poop, man! I am merely a tribute to the greatest person who sounds like he’d be adored by people dressed as poop emojis! Don’t get it twisted. So, Dillon Dingler went 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games, 4th homer in a week, and we have to talk about the way Dillon Dingler’s winning people leagues. Winner, winner, Dillon Dingler! He’s top 10 on the Player Rater. I picked Dingler up off waivers. I’d say that’s my top pickup of the year, but it’s in the running for the best pickup of the year by anyone. Only other guy coming close is Jordan Walker, and that’s more about whether Walker was available in leagues to pick up, and if Dingler hasn’t finally passed Walker, due to the latter’s post-Home Run Derby slump. In RCL leagues, neither was drafted in the final week. Just 100% profit. Thankfully, Dingler didn’t take part in the Home Run Derby. And, if the past equals the future, Dingler is about to be so wildly over-drafted for fantasy in 2027. Literally no one ever learns anything. He will be drafted in the first 50 picks and people will be like, “Grey, whatever you’re doing with your hair, five stars out of four. Anyway, will you draft Dingler in the 4th round?” Nothing. No one learns anything. Ever. It’s really what makes things fun. Dingler makes things fun too. If Todd stops harassing me with his poop bag jokes! I’m clearly dressed as a poop emoji, not actual poop! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin McGonigle – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Dingler and McGonigle are both some of the best names in baseball, and that they’re both hitting in the top three of the Tigers’ lineup is almost unfair. Just don’t portmanteau them, because then you’re dangerously close to being canceled.

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.17. He can become Misiorowski the final two months and I. Do. Not. Care. To prove my point, I even brought out the douchey one word sentences.

Jackson Jobe – Will make his season debut on Saturday. Jobe is returning after two seasons. He was beset with elbow issues, and Tommy John surgery and had his family taken away from him and his possessions and God was testing Jobe. But he’s back now! He had a 1.76 ERA in five starts in the minors. Swoon! That was for a total of 15 1/3 IP. Opposite of swoon! He’s clearly not going to be able to throw many innings and him or a Streamonator pickup? Like a teamster smoking a cigarette, I’m leaning on the latter.

Bryce Miller – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Welp, he’s dog doo now. My neighbor Todd can pick him up! It’s frustrating when I guy looks great, then becomes the doo. If I were a pitching coach, I’d say to every single guy, even the guys I didn’t like, “Don’t become the doo.” Guessing it’s a dead arm-type situation, because his peripherals don’t seem bad, but he’s had a rough last month.

Triston Casas – Underwent arthroscopic wrist surgery. Can’t believe how sidetracked his entire career went. Casey Kotchman recovered from mono quicker than this, and Casey Kotchman is who pulling a Kotchman is named after! (Once a year Casey Kotchman gets a google alert and is like, “I got mono from some girl at Dave & Buster’s in Anaheim 12 years ago. Guys, let it go!”)

Garrett Crochet – Sounds like when he returns (not for a bit still), he will do so as a reliever. If you were holding out hope, you might want to reconsider where you’re placing your energies. Or chakras. Or feng shui. You’re Mr. Bungle’ing the good juju!

Ranger Suarez – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.32. He hasn’t had a good start since June (it’s only four starts), and I wonder if his groin is still bothering him. That’s something men say about other men, right? “Hey, man, how’s your groin feeling? Enrobed in pain? Why is it weird to ask like that? I was just wondering if your groin throbbed in a bad way?”

Connor Wong – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That’s a Wong dong! (Did Ranger Suarez shudder? I’m trying to see how his groin is.)

Chase Meidroth – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. Just went to look at his previous week of games to see if he should be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and, unlikely, but he is hitting leadoff, and two homers in a game goes a long way towards being hot.

Joey Bart – Fractured left hand. Bart was who the White Sox got because they lost all their other catchers to injury. Guess their new #1 catcher is Drew Romo. Hopefully his brother, Tony, isn’t driving him to games.

Huascar Brazoban – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.63, and the blown save. Do you think the White Sox were really trying to win when they sent Huascar Brazoban out there to close the game? Who had money on the game? Emmanuel Clase?

Luis Castillo – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.30. This is going to be crazy-sounding. But I think Castillo is still not good. Even after his trade.

Dennis Santana – Signed with the DBacks. That’s a solid — and even more importantly, new! — way for them to lose a game.

Brandon Young – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.43. When the Regression Fairies come for you when you’re going against the Angels, it’s just totally not cool. Sneaking into the park with their wings flapping, pretending to be Angels, but actually being fairies. At the end of the day, Young was not that good a pitcher, but why we gots to go to the end of the day?

Zach Neto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. If you can’t pitch around Neto and Trout — with two men on! — you kinda shouldn’t be a MLB pitcher.

Samy Natera Jr. – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.16, and his 2nd save. I don’t know who the Angels’ closer is, and I’m not sure it matters, even in AL-Only leagues. They should try the recently-returned Ben Joyce, but this is the Angels, and “should” left the station when Arte Moreno bought them.

Andrew Abbott – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Streamonator usually hates Abbott (with good reason), but it even liked this one because the A’s in road games are awful and no more Kurtz. (Hurtz to say.)

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. Call me Brooke Burke, because I’m wild on E!

Sal Stewart – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .257. Worth looking at how awful the A’s are on the road within this very blurb, so let’s look! Reds hit four homers; A’s didn’t hit an extra base hit until the 9th inning, when they did vs. Brock Burke (no relation to Brooke). Reds’ pitching isn’t great; A’s hit .224 on the road with a MLB-worst .349 SLG.

Tyler Stephenson – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in three games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s clearly hot.

JJ Bleday – 2-for-3 and his 20th homer, hitting .230. Yesterday was a good Bleday. How’sever, it had not been for some time — .161 in June; .209 in July; .154 in August (through yesterday).

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. Ja-Chou, God bless you!

Dustin May – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.30. It’s kinda funny in my mind if he pitched well it was, “Brewers fixed him.” And if he pitched poorly, “He won’t listen.” In reality (what’s that), guys don’t get fixed with a snap of the finger. May’s fine, Streamonator loved this start, and he pitched well.

Braxton Ashcraft – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Shame he became derailed, because his underlaying stats are some of the best in baseball. Do you have a category in your league for “Underlying Stats?” Yeah, I didn’t think so. So hard to drop guys who should be better, but he has five of his last seven starts that are ranging from meh to vomit.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3 and his 24th homer, hitting .255. Lowe, how ya like me naur?

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. Tildaddy’s first homer went off the fielder(s) and over the fence. This is like the third Canseco we’ve had this year. We’ve had a Jose, an Ozzie and another mystery Dum-Dum Canseco.

Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 32nd homer. Three more to go!

Mauricio Dubon – 4-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 6th steal, hitting .269. As nature intended.

Martin Perez – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.14. I don’t even have Perez in any leagues and it pisses me off that the rain interrupted his start. Stop starting games if you can’t complete at least six innings!

Cristopher Sanchez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.65. He was helped by the Phils hitting 45 doubles in this game, give or take. I was watching this game while making dinner, and every time I’d look up, I’d be like, “Double? Oh, yeah, double.”

Andrew Pinckney – 1-for-2 and his 1st career hit, a homer. This guy’s such a Pinckney. Ya know what’s gotta be completely demoralizing as a young hitter? You get your first MLB homer, and you get pulled from the game when a righty comes in. Just absurd managing. They’re out of it! Just let a guy show what he can do! He went 20/34/.269 in 2025 and 13/18/.271 this year. Both in Triple-A, and won’t see any righties. Insane.

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.28. I’m so relieved that he’s going way before I would draft him next year, because he will undoubtedly be a 4.50 ERA pitcher with, like, a 1.60 WHIP.

Alejandro Kirk – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .255. Speaking of Star Trek (lol, I was not), I was at the doctor yesterday and there was a guy next to me who was an incredibly old man in a wheelchair (going to a young person’s doctor, I was, and talk like Yoda, I do), and they called his name, George, and I looked over and it was George Takei and I was like, “Star Trek!” And he said, “Yessssss, can you move your leg so I can wheel past you?”

Braxton Garrett – Recalled from the minors. Now it’s time he digs in and becomes as good as we think he can be. I sound like I’m training the gopher for Caddyshack.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (3), hitting .248. Not a bad game for a guy who seemingly retired prior to the season.

Foster Griffin – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.31. Back-to-back terrible starts, and doesn’t have a long track record to make me feel comfortable, but his underlying stats are saying he’s decent enough. “Decent enough” is colloquial for a 3.75 ERA pitcher, so he was never a 2.75 ERA guy anyway.

Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .269. It makes me chuckle that Lowe was not a starter for the Reds, then moves cross state for a team actually in the playoff hunt, and he is a starter.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .230. Must’ve been cool to hit a home run back in Cleveland, where he once played, when life was less complicated, and he wasn’t involved in a Ponzi scheme where the Mets raise everyone’s expectations every offseason, sell tickets, then start sucking once games begin.

Marcus Semien – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .214. Fun fact! Marcus Semien is not related to Marker W. Semien, the adult film entertainer.

Luis Torrens – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. You know how you can watch The Odyssey at home? A little bit Torrens. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours!

Nolan McLean – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.51. The scariest thing about rostering a Mets pitcher is, if they go sideways, there’s no one there to help correct them. Just a rudderless ship, adrift in the sea of Queens. Sounds like I had a little bit Torrens.

Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 0 Ks, ERA at 4.45 vs. Michael Wacha -5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.44. Elias Sports Bureau said, “This is the first 5+ IP start from two opponents that only featured one strikeout since 1924 when they threw balls made of feathers.” Elias Sports Bureau added, “We didn’t say that.” Make up your mind, Elias!

Royce Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Son just gave you his Royce Lewis fantasy. I’ll quote from him, “Her body with effervescence…Love at first sight….my…barrel rate…is…absurd.” What on earth is going on there? Hmm, maybe it was how I pulled the quotes.

Joe Ryan – Hit the IL with a made-up glute injury. Twins were like, “He’s ass…Wait, that’s it! That’s how we can IL him.”