“So, that’s how he was good last year!” is what a lot of people will be saying now. I may be one of those people. A lot of people will be asking, “Jurickson Profar, why did you cheat?” And to those people I will be saying, “Did you see how bad he was prior to last year?” Now, there’s no telling when he started cheating (right before he became good), but I have an idea when it happened (yes, right before he was good!). Who knows, though, right? (I know!) Weird, it happens to be coming after a year with a team where someone very famously was caught cheating too. I’m sure it’s a coincidence! Just gonna put this here for no reason:
Honestly, if I had the choice to do a little slurp-slurp on the Cheating Juice to get paid in a contract year, I’d be all about that slurp-slurp. So, Jurickson Profar is popped for 80 games, and, welcome to the big leagues, Alex Verdugo! (Also, Jarred Kelenic will get more play now.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Reynaldo Lopez – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Going from pen to rotation claims another one or the Shroud of Touki only activates for one magical season. Choose your narrative. Bryce Elder replaces him, and maybe when I’m older I’ll appreciate.
Grant Holmes – 4 IP, 4 ER. There’s some people excited about holmes. Holmes, I am not one.
Michael Harris II – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff with Profar out with ringworm. After Megahertz homered, other Braves players said, “Are you allowed to do that? Ya know, score.”
Freddie Freeman – Tweaked his ankle getting into the shower, and is considered day-to-day. Wouldn’t happen if he slept in his uniform. Not committed enough.
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Clearly, he slept in his uni.
Enrique Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. What Dave Roberts gets out of him is slightly indecent, call him Enrisqué.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 3 walks, 8 Ks vs. the Braves. Just wait until the Braves start the 2025 season, though. Things won’t be so easy then!
Colton Cowser – Hit the IL with a fractured thumb, and is likely out six to eight weeks at a minimum. The great thing is the Orioles have so many exciting prospects! Can’t wait to see who they call up, surely it will be someone incredibly exciting–oh, forget it, it’s Dylan Carlson. Heston Kjerstad should get more ABs now. Actually, let me take this to a new line so we don’t have people like, “Hey, how come you didn’t mention Kjerstad. Not cool for a very handsome man.”
Heston Kjerstad – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he DH’d, hitting 5th, and now stands to face righties, and Dylan Carlson vs. lefties. Kjerstad isn’t the capital of Aruba; he’s a power-hitting lefty. Yesterday, he was in vs. a lefty, but Carlson wasn’t yet with the club, at least I think that’s what it was.
Cade Povich – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 Ks. Ugh, he left with the lead, and he was throwing some nasty stuff — new kick change looked unhittable, 94 MPH heat up that overpowered Red Sox hitters, and not just Rafael Devers, who is an auto-K. A throwing error led to him needing extra pitches and possibly the win. I’m a fan, a freaky-ass fan, but his command wasn’t there for all leagues, thinking 15-teamers and deeper.
Rafael Devers – 0-for-3, 3 Ks, and now 0-for-19 with 15 Ks. Maybe the Red Sox let him play 3rd again to get his confidence up. Nothing instills confidence like committing errors.
Cristopher Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Looked excellent all spring and again yesterday, and it wasn’t just because it vs. the Suckies at home. He held velo gains from the spring (98 MPH sinker that looks unhittable; it was 94.5 MPH last year), and looked like a potential ace. If I were reranking Sanchez, I’d move him up at least 50 spots. He’s at worse a number two.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Greek God of Hard Contact dedicated this home run to his sister’s mustache.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I really gotta start liking Schwarber more.
Max Kepler – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. He was one of those guys I didn’t draft anywhere, but strongly considered everywhere.
German Marquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks. Quieted the Phils’ bats. After every jammed bat, German had them screaming, “Achstung!”
Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s in the lineup every game, whether as catcher or DH. He’s about to be a top five catcher.
Dominic Smith – Re-signed with the Yankees. Give him a torpedo and let him sub in!
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Answered back at critics of the torpedo bats with, well:
He’s basically saying what if they made the whole plane out of the black box
— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) March 31, 2025 at 9:30 AM
Aaron Civale – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. In deep leagues, I could see grabbing Logan Henderson and/or Jacob Misiorowski. Rule of thumb is, if you have to ask if your league is deep, it’s not deep.
Elvin Rodriguez – 4 IP, 4 ER. Elvin, now that we’re friends, I’ve decided to make you my new project. Throw more of those wicked sliders!
Kris Bubic – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Don’t think the Brewers are necessarily a layup offense, so Kris may be nasty in the Bubic area. Lots of pulling back early with takes, because I think if you’re too declarative early, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. Do I like Bubic? Yes. Is he definitely more than a Streamonator? I don’t know. We need more than a small sample size — that’s what she said derisively. He looked damn good, though.
Maikel Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. That’s Maikel Garcia, 2025 fantasy sleeper.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Dude is so incredibly huge. I don’t know why it cracks me up, but he towers over the home plate ump, even when Sal’s croached.
Andres Gimenez – 2-for-2, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (1). Who knew that before he was a cleanup hitter he was miscast worse than Mickey Rooney in Breakfast in Tiffany’s?
Bowden Francis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks. What may not be readily apparent from the line is how he got into some serious trouble, but worked out of it, and that was impressive.
CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Not sure why his home run celebration included him screaming, “Put it all on red!” but there ya go.
James Wood – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Call him James Torpedo.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. Guy’s got Predator blood.
Luis L. Ortiz – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Ladies might love LL Ortiz, but fantasy owners likely don’t.
Gleyber Torres – Hit the IL, hurting himself as he homered. The 2nd guy this year that’s happened to. We call that, getting torpedoed.
Riley Greene – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Ya know I like Riley for a whiley, but the Tigers’ top of the order is doing slaughter. (Okay, so the rhyme didn’t land. Sue me for my $17 in savings.)
Jackson Jobe – 4 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Reminds a lot of Mize, Matt Manning, Skubal and other Tigers starters their first three or so years in the majors. Skubal had a near-5 ER in his first 180-ish innings. No one tells ya about that when they tell ya to draft Jobe.
Emerson Hancock – 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Much like the movie Hancock, no one wants to see that.
Luke Raley – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. He was in Friday’s Buy column. The very exciting name, Luke Raley!
Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. The Rice Bowl runneth over!
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits third. Person beyond home plate was upset to have obstructed-view seats. Hopefully this eased their pain.
Jacob Wilson – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, and the 1st home run in SacTown. A momentous occasion that will stay with us for as long as the A’s are in SacTown (two-to-three years).
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Kyle Tucker (4-for-7, 4 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer, and Michael Busch (3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 1st, and my original thought that SacTown was going to play like a minor league park, because it is a minor league park, seems to be coming true.
Carson Kelly – 4-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he hits for the cycle. They let a catcher hit for the cycle? Oh, that really is some minor league BS.
Ben Brown – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Cubs jumped out to a huge lead, and Brown cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.
Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks. So far, Big Stein Stadium has played like a pitchers’ park. No idea if it continues when it heats up, but there is humidity there that Big Stein’s Big Bro, Yankee Stadium, doesn’t have as much of (right now, at least).
Otto Lopez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Hot schmotato alert!
Starling Marte – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer, against his former team, the Marlins. Must’ve been nice to see old friends like…uh…Conine–no, that’s the wrong one. Has anyone been there longer than three months?
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Albombso!
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Nimmo found one!
Luis Torrens – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Was a roughly 385-foot fly out that became a 388-foot homer when Derek Hill batted it over in center.
David Peterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. Watched this whole game and he looked better than last year, and more like the guy who I wrote the sleeper post for the year before. Lots of back-foot sliders that were just nasty. It was the Marlins, so trying to remain calm, but really liked what I saw.
Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Of course he hit another. Nootbaar: You can’t have just one.
Brendan Donovan – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. How many BDons are in existence?
Miles Mikolas – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Tyler Anderson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. This matchup was billed as, “Miles and Tyler’s, oh my!”
Ronel Blanco – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. My first taste of Ronel (sounds weird) and I have a bitter aftertaste. Hope he wears on me (still weird).
Jose Altuve – 1-for-3, 1 run as he played 2nd base. Is he done in the outfield? Your wife’s experimental phase in college lasted longer.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hot schmotato alert!
Jordan Hicks – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks. Was peppering in strikes at 99 and 100 MPH like en bee dee, which is a huge bump on his 96-ish MPH sinker from last year. That’s relevant. Totally unrelated — or at least partially unrelated — but why am I now more worried about starting Roupp?
Kumar Rocker – 3 IP, 6 ER. Hey, do you mind if I leave this cola on the counter while I go use the bathroom in this al-Qaeda-run bar? Thanks! *five hours later*…weird, my torso feels drafty. AHHHH!!! Roofie!
Jake Burger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Burger gonna eat.
Brady Singer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. 8 Ks from Singer, we call that a Brady bunch. Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, but I could see it, because I like to live dangerously, like Alice and Sam in a meat locker.
Matt McLain – 2-for-3, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Oh my God, BDon’s gonna be unbearable.
Elly De La Cruz – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 7 RBIs and a double slam (1, 2) and legs (1). Screaming, “LFG, E!” like I’m a club kid who only has a few hours to party.
“Aaron Judge has started better than Elly”
— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) March 31, 2025 at 4:16 PM
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 9 Ks. Bad news if you’re a Twins fan is Martin Perez almost threw a no-hitter against your team. Good news is that’s a sign of the apocalypse, so the sweet release of death is coming.
Michael A. Taylor – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! His full name is Michael Ann Taylor, and he wears a pants suit under his uniform.
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Inner monologue, “You should drafted Benintendi in the 1st round instead of Bobby Witt Jr.” Shut up, IM!
Andrew Vaughn – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. At one point, the hitter/pitcher matchup was Vaughn/McCaughan and it made me think it sounded like a Righteous Gemstone character. Man, I love that show. It’s not Eastbound and Down-good, but it’s better-than-Principals good.
Chris Paddack – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER. There should be a DFA trapdoor if a guy gives up more than a certain amount of runs in less than five innings to the White Sox. Right there on the mound. [hangs head after allowing a third homer to a player no one has heard of, steps on the mound trapdoor, Chris Paddack tips hat and swoosh]
Randy Dobnak – Designated for assignment. And in another crushing blow for Dobnak, these new Waymos don’t need drivers.
