WD Needs More Than WD-40

Wade Davis hit the DL with a forearm strain.  Brooks Pounders was called up in a corresponding move.  Brooks Pounders is also my favorite AVN starlet.  This sounds ominous for Davis, a forearm strain is not good for pitchers.  A precursor for Tommy John surgery, they say.  They also chew Copenhagen and call everyone kid.  The one bright spot in this dark, gloomy sky is the backdating of the DL stint.  Maybe, just maybe, Davis will return right after the All-Star break, when he’s eligible.  Yes, he could only miss seven games from now.  That skywriter is trailing smoke behind him, writing, “Hope Davis.”  But maybe he ran out of fuel and was gonna write, “Hope Davis Will You Marry Me?”  In Davis’s place, Joakim Soria or Kelvin Herrera will replace him.  Kelvin is much better, so why ‘You must be Joakim’ at all?  That hard-to-quantify, harder even to justify outside of your own front office, closer experience.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cheslor Cuthbert – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer.  When Moustakas injured himself, he had seven homers.  If you had Moustakas, then went Cuthbert, you have about as much fantasy value on the year as Maikel Franco.  A Couskakel, so to speak.  Though, that sounds like a group of Bob Cousy’s.

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 4 runs and two home runs (21, 22).  F5!  The Jays hit four homers in two-plus innings off Christall Young, which brings me to my point, can’t Young pitch the All-Star Home Run Derby?

Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer.  I’ve owned injury-prone players before so I know how it feels.  You wear scuba gear for six months because you’re constantly holding your breath.

Ezequiel Carrera – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer as he hit leadoff, hitting .288.  The Amish Porsche strikes again, while Devon Travis (1-for-4) hits eighth for some unknown slight against humanity.

David Price – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Recently, I pulled off the trade sending Chris Archer (and Steve Cishek) for David Price, and did it partly because I thought Price should be much better, have less faith in Archer and need wins.  Of course, since I can’t have anything too nice, Price got the loss yesterday in Fenway, facing Alfredo Jettucine Griffin and a bunch of 5+ ERA relievers.

Craig Kimbrel – 0 IP, 4 ER. Kazaam!

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer, hitting .294.  On our Player Rater, JBJ has been about as valuable as Bryce Harper.  Yup.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hit his 7th homer, and then the Fantasy Baseball Overlord pulled his card and Choo left the game with a stiff back.  It was only a matter of time until Choo hurt himself.

Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Uh-oh, Chirinos!

Daniel Norris – Hit the DL with an oblique strain.  Tigers called up Buck Farmer to replace him.  I loved the movie with Brooks Pounder and Buck Farmer.  I never knew spoonerism could be so erotic.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, EAR at 2.47, and pulled from the game after 82 pitches, because the Indians were up by a shizzton of runs.  But some of us have Carrasco in fantasy leagues and would’ve happily taken two more shutout innings and another five Ks.  Real baseball, you go scratch yourself in public, and don’t interfere with fantasy, mmkay?

Lonnie Chisenhall – 4-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .311.  Right now, you kinda just want every Indians player.  Hitters, pitchers, even the mascot if Racism is a category in your league.  They’re all hot.

Tyler Naquin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .313.  It feels like he’s in the studio working on a Baha Man album, since nothing in his minor league career screams radio friendly airplay for years to come.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .248.  He has three solo homers in the last five games.  Weird or weirdly appropriate since he’s hitting leadoff?

Alex Colome – 1 IP, 0 ER as he was activated from the DL and will likely resume closer duties.  Or as I like to call them in the bathroom, doodies.

Steven Souza – Left yesterday game with a leg injury.  Thankfully, the band played on.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.33.  You say Odorizzi, I say he looks more scrambled.

Logan Morrison – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hasn’t done a whole lot else recently.  He’s not even tweeting anymore.  But could be the start of a hot schmotato run.

C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs, and two homers (10, 11) after a 6-for-6 game on Saturday, hitting .284.  When I saw his line yesterday, I immediately looked to add him across all of my leagues.  Of course, I was a day late and 50 Cent short for Curtis Jackson.  You know who is about three years late?  The Sciosciapath.  How he could platoon Cron all of this time is beyond me.  It’s not like the Angels are bursting at the seams with hitting.  Cron should have about four hundred more at-bats across the last three seasons.  Yes, I feel like Scott Boras when talking about Cron.

Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .261. Hasn’t shown much power or speed, but is hitting over .400 in the last week.  Even more impressive, Andrelton travels 1.2 light years between games to sleep at home.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.50.  Blech.  I’m so done with this schmohawk.  I think three months is ample time to show something.  Nay, like Fonzie’s horse says, to show anything!  Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Masahiro Tanaka – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.12.  Too bad the Yankees ever said anything about Tanaka’s torn tendon, because I wouldn’t mind owning him at some point, but it’s out of the question.

Brett Gardner – 4-for-6, 2 runs, hitting .258.  The last time he had four hits in a game, he followed it with another four-hit game two days later.  Yes, I’m looking for patterns where they might not exist, but at least I’m not writing this blurb on a window at MIT.

Chase Headley – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games.  JayWrong effused all up on yesterday’s podcast about Headley.  The main takeaway from yesterday’s pod was, does anyone have a sister for Mr. Wrong?

Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.55.  Seven innings?  That works.  Only one earned run?  Not bad!  Seven baserunners?  I’ll take it!  Two strikeouts?  *balloon deflates rapidly*  Balloon that deflated looks up and says, “Yeah, why don’t you go own Rodon then, smart ass?”  Damn, that balloon’s got a point.

Taijuan Walker – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.66.  I’d like to make a little paper boat and put Walker and Rodon on it and set it sail in the Bay of Dragons.  Or maybe that’s assail.  Unlike Rodon, I’m holding Walker for now, but his leash is frayed and I’m about to cut him loose.

A.J. Reed – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  That’s two homers in 8 games, so, ya know, only a 40-homer pace.  What a bum!

Luis Valbuena – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer.  You know what I’m gonna say, right?  When he hits one homer, more will follow.  Valbuena is like clockwork.  Call him Luis Victorinox.  Hmm, he’s a bit more of a Swatch.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Wanna feel old?  Rasmus girl graduated college.  Geiger, let’s go!

Kennys Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, in his 2nd game back with the Twins.  Hey, Kennys and Dannys Antana (1-for-3) are reunited!  About time they got all two, three or more of them back together!

Miguel Sano – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .230. A 1-for-5 line with a home run and multiple strikeouts should be called “The Sano.”

Max Kepler – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer.  Now has four homers in his last nine games.  It’s the summer and I’m going cherrypicking!

Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer.  He’s gonna have 30+ homers in September and you’re gonna laugh yourself silly that you kept dropping him.

Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .310.  Another guy no one wants any part of.  If I searched all the comments for this year, “Should I drop Valencia?” is an easy top three.  Semien and Khris Davis are likely top five too.  Then Russell Martin.  Oy with the Russell Martin.

Aaron Hill – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Has hit in eight of the past ten games.  Could be a little schmotato action here, but I know it’s not easy to pick up an old schmohawk, so I won’t press the issue.

Wil Myers – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .290.  I don’t think it’s completely clear how good his season has been so far.  He’s on pace for a 35 HR, 25 SB season.  That would easily make him a top 20 hitter.  So far this year, he’s been about as valuable as Kris Bryant.  Seriously.

Zach Davies – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.10.  Okay, but you couldn’t have confidently started him in Washington yesterday, and I don’t see how you can confidently start him in home games either.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .290.  *sees tumbleweed blow through living room*  That’s weird, I didn’t think I was living in a Wild West town.  Hey, my couch just flew out the window!  Holy crap!  It’s a Torenado!

Jose Reyes – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup that made him famous.  No, I don’t mean the Hawaiian police lineup.

Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-3 and his 21st homer, hitting .304.  He’ll be joining the Cubs team at the All-Star Game.  Ya know, if the other NL All-Stars were playing it smart, they would put Astro Glide on the stairs onto the field for the introductions.  The entire Cubs infield pulled a hammy?  Aw, shucks!  Until the realization sets in that all the players the Cubs didn’t send to the All-Star Game are still better than most other teams’ regulars, too.

Steven Matz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.34.  Bones?  Where we’re going we don’t need no elbow bones!

Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.83.  Stream-o-Nator likes Chen’s last start before the break too, but he’s been hella iffy all year, so I don’t trust him.

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers.  If he were to get to 50 homers, as I wished in the early going of the season, he’d need 33 homers in the 2nd half.  In 2001, Bonds hit 34 homers in the 2nd half, so it’s doable and he’s his coach!

Brandon Moss – Hit the DL with an ankle sprain.  Still have never heard of a cankle sprain.  You messed up, God!

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-1 as he was recalled.  He hit five homers and .283 with the Redbirds, which is about as confusing as it gets for minor league team names.  Why not just call your Triple-A affiliate the Cardenals?  Be like the Yankees minor league team calling themselves the Pinstripes.  I mean, come on, Cards.  Any hoo!  Grichuk is back and I could see a flyer on him, but he’ll still be platooning.

Jung Ho Kang – 1-for-1, but was revealed yesterday that he’s under investigation for sexual assault.  He needs to learn to respect women better, so until this is resolved, I will refer to him as Jung (redacted) Kang.

Julio Teheran – Was scratched from his Wednesday start with “Let’s try to keep him healthy over the break in case we can trade him.”  It’s going around all the lesser teams’ clubhouses.

Cody Asche – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games and dot dot dot I was expecting to look at his player page and see him hitting extremely well over the last week.  Turns out, he’s been decent, but not crazy hot.  Appropriately for Asche, he used to be hot.

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer.  Okay, I know if I open his player page there’s gonna be some goodies. *opens page*  Yup, not disappointed there.  He’s hitting near-.450 in the last week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and third homer in as many games.  Who you calling a Couskakel?!

Tommy Joseph – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer.  Snooze!  ToJo, you are so May/June!

Zach Eflin – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Braves.  Listen, there’s only room for one guy who is almost elfin in the majors, and that’s Jose Altuve!

Zack Cozart – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .269, and 2nd homer in as many games.  He went cold for about a month, but he’s picking it up again in the schmotato category.

Jay Bruce – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  He was hitting around .100 in July, and remember Bruce was one of the absolute worst hitters in the 2nd half of last year, so if you can trade him, the time is nigh.  No, I didn’t misspell night, you don’t have to wait for sundown.

Billy Hamilton – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 3 steals (20, 21, 22).  Damn, he was briefly on waivers in my RCL, but I didn’t move fast enough grabbing him.  If only he were picking himself up for me!

Brandon Finnegan – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.71.  The Reds pitching coach got fired the other day and the Reds pitchers are still pitching poorly.  Somewhere, a postman said, “Still not the messenger’s fault.”

John Lackey – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.50.  The Regression Fairies must be White Sox fans, though there are rainbow stripes on the top of those socks.

Addison Russell – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .242, and now has three homers in the last two games.  Right now, at Razzball HQ, which is down the street from Hooli’s headquarters, I’m writing up the top 100 for the 2nd half, which will be posted next week during the break, and Russell is one of those guys that could sneak on the backend of the list with a huge final week.  I’m sure that will be the reason Addison tries to stay hot.

Javier Baez – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .272 as he was moved to the nine hole.  Let’s get down to brass tacks or brass tax if you’re a jeweler’s accountant, Maddon could put names in a hat to put together his lineup and it wouldn’t matter.  They’d still score five-plus runs a game.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-5 and his 25th homer.  For those that own Bryant, this should be going through your mind regarding him, “Please don’t get bamboozled into the Home Run Derby and please don’t get cold during the break.  Maybe go play Mexican League baseball for a week to stay hot.  Requesting for a friend.  That friend would be the sock puppet I have on my hand.”