Yesterday, I was watching the Twins game and I fell asleep and had a dream that Razzball’s Twitter account got one of those blue check marks.  I’m not sure what this says about my fantasies, but it says something about Tyler Duffey and the Twins.  They lack a certain je ne sais Michelle Kwan.  The Twins seem to do this on purpose.  Very workmanlike.  Like a Minnesota woman who would handily beat me in an arm wrestling match.  Pun noted.  I’ve never been to Minnesota, but I picture the women looking like Jesse Ventura when he used to wear feathers in his hair and leotards.  As with just about every Twins pitcher since Radke, minus Liriano and Johan, Duffey is yet another Twins hurler that has solid control and okay, not great strikeouts.  Yesterday, he went 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers, and had a 2.53 ERA in Triple-A with a 7 K/9.  I don’t see any huge upside here and is better in real life, which apparently the Twins play in.  The Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but I would start him if I needed to gamble.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Glen Perkins – Targeting a Friday return.  Coincidentally, I’m targeting Friday as the day I try on my newest merkins.

Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer.  And moved all the way up to the seven hole in the lineup!  Yeah, cause Mauer has to be locked into the three hole because he impregnates leotarded, Minnesota women with sly glances.   “I was on my John Deere, minding my own business, when the missus ran out, with her flowing Ventura locks, and jumped on my gear shift.  Turned out Mauer looked at her.”

Kyle Lobstein – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  As The B-52’s would say, “Rock Lobstein!”

Matt Duffy – Was called up by the Astros.  If he can have the kind of success with the Astros that he had with the Giants…Wait, that’s not right.  Oh, this is a different Matt Duffy.  Doesn’t he know you’re supposed to add an H to your name if you have the same one as a current major leaguer?  *looks at his minor league numbers*  Well, hello there! *looks at his age*  What took you so long?  *looks at my dog painting a portrait with his tail*  What were we talking about?  Oh, yeah, Mhatt Duffy.  Meh, nothing to see here unless he plays and gets hot.

Carlos Gomez – Due to intercostal discomfort, he was out of the lineup yesterday.  The Astros said it’s mild and he’s just out for this Rangers series.  Usually intercostal injuries knock players out for weeks at a time, and Gomez hasn’t been good up until now, so, if your plan was for Gomez to win you your H2H playoffs, you need to make other plans while God laughs.

Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.63.  Okay, but in April of next year he’s definitely going to regress!

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer.  12 is also the age he stopped growing.

Prince Fielder – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer.  Also, in this game, Mitch Moreland (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) homered.  Guess who has more homers?  Too late!  Fielder has 19 and Moreland has 20.

Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.76 and 4.04 on the Rangers.  I sure am glad I claimed this schmohawk.  What would I ever do without him?  Stream better pitchers.  Shut up, Random Italicized Voice.

Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Coming into this game, he had a 4.86 ERA at home, a 4.58 ERA on the road and a 7.45 ERA in September.  So, you can kick yourself for not starting him, but it would’ve taken big eggs in the basket to do it.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, which comes after an 0-for-9.  I guess what I’m saying is he faked acting like his bat went cold just so you could bench him in your weekly leagues.

Seth Smith – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Thuper!

Joe Panik – Bochy said he’d be surprised if Panik played again this year.  That should bring a certain calmness to the Giants, ya know, no Panik.

Hunter Pence – Could be shut down for the year.  For now, the Gangly Manbird will continue to rest in a bed of twigs and his own saliva.

Angel Pagan – 2-for-4, 1 run, after stealing three bases on Sunday, and hitting over .300 in the last week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Ramon Cabrera – 4-for-4, 1 run, and homered on Saturday, his 1st.  That cheer you hear is the guy in the NL-Only league with two catchers.

Billy Hamilton – Re-aggravated his shoulder injury.  Aggravation is a good word.  Aggro would also work.  PO’d could also sum it up.  And I don’t mean I’m Post Office’d or Purchase Ordered.

Michael Cuddyer – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup after missing two weeks.  He should be a solid pick up for– Damn, he’s hurt again, isn’t he?

Logan Verrett – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s a middle reliever that’s filled in for Harvey.  Only reasonable explanation why he’s looked good in two starts is no one has the book on him yet.  Just wait until James Patterson’s team of assistants write a book on him, then it’s over.

Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-3 and his 35th homer.  This is the kind of dream you don’t wake up from.  But you don’t sleep if you come from where I come from, says Dr. Dre’s ghostwriter.

Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I can’t wait to see d’Arnaud as the new boss of Celebrity Apprentice!

Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.63 and his 41st save.  SAGNOF and yadda3, but he’s been the best closer in all of baseball this year.  Best waiver wire pickup?  Hard to argue with it.

Yonder Alonso – Done for the year.  Shame to see that happen to a guy that was having a career year.  Did I say career year?  I mean just year.  He was having a year.

Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Please don’t tempt me for next year.  Thank you.

James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.80.  He does realize he should also be doing this in Petco, right?  I mean, someone explained this to him, right?

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  I started Gausman in a few weekly leagues, due to the allure of the Double Down, praying he’d get past the first start yesterday and get to his 2nd start vs. the Rays without giving me a heart attack.  Not to be a sayer of doom, but why do I now worry about his next start?

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Not to be a broken record about all young pitchers, but can we just shut them all down?  Not to be a broken record about all young pitchers, but– Sorry.

Corey Kluber – Will start on Thursday vs. the Royals.  I’m not one to put my nose where it doesn’t belong, but Friday is home vs. the White Sox.  You’ve been out for two weeks, you can’t wait an extra day?

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.62.  I love me some Carrasco, but, honestly, I have no idea what we’re going to get from start to start.  It’s like a roulette wheel with no numbers and only red and black.  Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not.  I guess that could also just be a coin flip.

Jason Kipnis – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, which was his 2nd homer in ten weeks.  “I think it’s just mucus…No, there’s fog on the mirror under his nose!”

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th steal.  All he does is make happy.  Big, giant sacks of happy.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I just dropped him in one shallow league because I just couldn’t handle the on-again, off-again playing time he was getting as they nurse him back to 100% health.  *smacking arm veins*  I need stats right now, man!

Giancarlo Stanton – Could return this week.  Oh.  I mean, huh?  Wasn’t he declared out for the year?  From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears, please don’t let him come back and re-injure his hands.  Like Schindler’s List was to life, your hands are to my life.

Erasmo Ramirez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Yankees.  In retrospect, it sure seems like a good start.  Be a great pick right now for Benjamin Button.  The Stream-o-Nator is iffy on Erasmo’s next start, and I don’t trust him at all.

CC Sabathia – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.93, which was also his weight when he was still a good pitcher.  You know what Bartolo calls dieters?  Quitters.  Which are also what his socks are if you were to try them on.

Jose Abreu – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer.  Two more home runs and I won’t find any fault with your season.  And, if I hear anyone saying something bad about you, I’ll even defend you.  Pretty lightweight arguing with mostly just hemming and hawing, but I will still defend you.

Melky Cabrera – 4-for-8, 1 run, 1 RBI.  The Melk man delivers!  And he is your real father, not that man burping on the couch.

David Robertson – 1 IP, 2 ER.  To the owner of Robertson and Boxberger yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), I’m just going to put on Third Eye Blind’s song, Jumper, and I want you to really listen to the words.

Trayce Thompson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in the past four games.  Trayce feels like a name from the year 2050, when children will get to choose their sex.  Any hoo!  He platoons, so it’s hard to recommend him.

Jake Smolinski – 1-for-6 and his 4th homer.  Check out this Smolinski!

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 16th homer.  I talk a lot about this (you try to write 3000 words a day and keep it all fresh), but it would be an interesting experiment to see where Lawrie gets drafted next year if he has 19 homers vs. 20 homers.  Not sure who to test that theory on.  Maybe find someone to lock in a basement for the next six months.  Not the last six months, that’s all of you.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer.  Reddick seems to be a rising schmotato.  Just, ya know, keep it wrapped.

Sonny Gray – 3 IP, 7 ER.  The Regression Fairies have a red carpet party for the Emmys where they critique the outfits, they hear Macho Man and they don’t think of Randy Savage but of The Village People, and they will destroy your ratios at the worst possible moment.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA in the 2nd half of the year is under zero.  Thereabouts.

Corey Seager – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting .432.  Yeah, you’re gonna have to reach just a little to draft him next year.

Cesar Hernandez – Out for the year with a dislocated thumb.  He tried to use a wax thumb he made at a carnival, but he couldn’t make it work.

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Please shut down Nola before we need a celebrity telethon.

Cody Asche – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Member when I called him a sleeper in 2014?  I don’t.  You must be remembering it wrong.  *slowly tiptoes out of the room, re-enters and rips Asche poster off wall labeled “2014 Sleepers”*

Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 6 ER vs. the Phils.  Is this karmic retribution for something?  I’m sorry I threw that fake puke over the side of the theater balcony.  I’ll never do it again!

Jayson Werth – 2-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers.  Hey, I don’t like him either, but it’s silly to not own him at this point.  Fo’reallies.

Anthony Rendon – 4-for-6 and his 5th homer, which comes after a solid weekend (6-for-12).  I.e., it’s the least he can do after I drafted him in the 4th round.  Emphasis on least.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 37th homer as he returned to the lineup after colliding with Derek Dietrich.  Harper said, “Dietrich should not quit his day job.  He’ll never make it as a wall.”

Ryan Zimmerman – Still feeling pain in his oblique when he coughs.  Damn, he should’ve never reworked his swing to include coughing.

 
  1. Speedy McGreedy says:
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    Drop Latos in a 14 team dynasty?

  2. Tehol Beddict says:
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    I started him in playoffs due to my arch nemesis, RALPH, and my Gods, did he come up big!!!!!! #Legend

  3. CHE says:
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    Hey Grey –

    Out of this season w/ 9th place finish. Accumulated some keepers though. League w/ R,H,HR,RBI,TB,SB, OPS & L,SV, HLD,ERA, WHIP, K/9, QS

    Anyone from this list you WOULD NOT keep ($260 draft dollars auction) – price given is what it would cost to keep them next year.

    Thanks, in advance, for the input.

    C – Travis D’ Arnaud – $9
    1B – Eric Hosmer – $13
    2B – Addison Russell – $12
    SS – Carlos Correa – $6
    3B – Nolan Arenado – $20
    CI – Maikel Franco – $6
    MI – Javier Baez – $18
    Of – Yasiel Puig – $14
    Of – Jorge Soler – $10
    Of – Gregory Polanco – $9
    Util – Miguel Sano – $8

    SP – Salazar – $18
    SP – Carrasco – $10
    SP – Lester – $14
    SP – Walker – $6
    RP – Giles – $9

    • Manley Ramirez says:
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      @CHE: Baez

    • @CHE:

      +1 baez

      and depending on how deep yr league is i’d try and get russell, soler, and salazar cheaper at auction next year….

      • CHE says:
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        @ivebeenupthreedaysstraight: Thanks guys. Lots of Cubs fans in the league (I’m one) so that has to be considered. Appreciate the input though.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @CHE: How many teams matters

      • CHE says:
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        @Grey: AH SHIT – I thought I was being so thorough. 10 teams. Side Note – I am also trying to accumulate all of the best Spanish Speaking Players in the League on one team. Jose Abreu has been a thorn in my side… But winning comes first. Gracias!

        • CHE says:
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          @CHE: That last bit was confusing. Nevermind. Who WOULDN’T YOU KEEP?

          And, if up for the mental exercise, which Latino (especially Cubano) players would you target if you were trying to amass the greatest Spansih Speaking Team in Fantasy History?

          (With a $260 budget)

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            Shouldn’t you be using pesos?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Haha, nice….

  4. 6×6 pitching stats in my h2h finals run are all a toss-up, so me and this to-be-loser are streaming fools like crazy. do you trust happ or shitmardzija more tomorrow? it’s a funny sort of bizarro world with an out-of-his-head happ pitching to a hot cubs offense and shitty shitmardzija pitching like shit to a lukewarm–tepid, even–oakland lineup.

  5. Manley Ramirez says:
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    So you’re defending Abreu but bashing Adam Jones.

    Last year: 281/311/469, 29HR in 682 PA
    This year: 275/316/491 27HR in 548 PA

    His pace is clearly better than last year and it’s not his fault the runs/rbi are lower. I didn’t draft Jones anywhere because I expected further regression due to being on wrong side of the aging curve and poor k/b%, but there really hasn’t been any regression other than less playing time do to injury.

    All you suckers that did draft him actually lucked out and have no right to complain.

    • Mike says:
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      @Manley Ramirez: this is a solid comment

      • Mikey U says:
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        @Mike:
        I lucked out because I flipped Jones for Greinke back in early May!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Manley Ramirez: Day-to-day injuries are soul sucking as Jones has had

  6. Mike says:
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    Pickup Eduardo Escobar or Didi Gregorious for this week?

    • Manley Ramirez says:
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      @Mike: Didi is facing Rays then Mets pitching. I’d go Escobar.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Mike: Eduardo

  7. Nick says:
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    Great comments Grey

    Looks like i had big eggs starting TJ… ( you put a smile on my face)
    i started Shields as well,, and got right !
    Trumbo and Myers as Util ;) Wil was my last keeper from last season,,, !pay me now!
    and Alty#12… if he stopped growing at 12 then hopefully he ‘ll keep stealing

    and ,,, glad i traded Sonny days before he became Gray :)

    started the semi-final with 2wins 1sv 1hold, 2HRs 9RBis .344avg!! NICE

    let’s hope Sano will mambo#5
    May Spring-her begin to hit again…
    and i’d start Happ @Cubs tonight :)

  8. the lou bega reference obviates any need to ask whether you are eight years old or fifty.

  9. Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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    is this about how you would rank these guys in NL only with no ratios, only IP, runs against, wins, and K’s.
    b.anderson/a.wood/nicolino/c.anderson. i already have anderson the other three were dropped. i have a bye this week.

  10. rock mobster says:
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    Sean Dolittle owner here. I saw the one out ninth inning appearance in the ESPN box score too but not in the ESPN play by play, the Yahoo box, the Yahoo play by play, or my daily stats summary. So I’m going to assume it was all just a bad dream. Just like my streaming Nola in H2H playoffs while already owning JZ. Wait, whuh whuh?

    • Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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      @rock mobster: wouldn’t using nola and j-zimm in theory have been a good idea, more likely to get a win (assuming that was what you were attempting)

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @rock mobster: Yeah, I fixed the post… It was a box score error

  11. Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season says:
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    20 team league with K’s, total bases, OPS, net steals over steals and XBH added for hitters and holds, double plays, HR allowed, net saves and QS added for pitchers.
    travis D
    duda
    d.murphy
    wright
    sano
    LF piscotty
    CF granderson
    RF reddick
    util c.davis
    BN conforto/s.perez/maybin
    SP (3 slots per day), may/happ/degrom/harvey/thor/matz/salazar
    RP familia/holland/wade/w.smith/hoover/pomeranz
    With C.Hernandez dropped, i’m worried about steals for ROS. drop which of pomeranz/may/maybin for which of ketel (hits in the) one (hole), or tomlinson? Pomeranz has been better than May lately, but no holds for Pom. Maybin could also be dropped but he finally is getting at bats and certainly could also be needed for steals. could also drop hoover, as his ratios are the worst out of these guys.

  12. Kiss a Bum says:
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    Lets say stanton comes back friday and plays thru sunday with no power hits. Would you start him monday in a weekly? Thanks

  13. johnson says:
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    Do you know if there is something wrong with Miggy? I’m in the stretch run…should I be considering playing guys like Posey, McCann, D’arnuad, Peralta over him?

    • Jack says:
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      I was going to ask the same question. 0-for-his past 11, and 2-for- his past 18. Not very Miggyesque. Only 2 homers since he came back a month ago.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @johnson: I’d start Miggy

  14. Chris says:
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    In my H2H Points playoffs. I’m going to burn my waiver to try to pick up one of these pitchers for a start this week. I’d be dropping Stroman to do it. Please put these in the order that I should try to acquire:

    Lackey @ Mil. (Nelson) 2.5
    Pineda @ NYY (Matz) 24.9
    Quintana v. Oak (Nolin) 14.2

    Thanks.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Chris: Quintana, Pineda

  15. The JoGarza says:
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    Grey,

    Myers or Ryan Howard to replace Greg Bird? Or neither?

  16. luvdarooks says:
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    THIS WEEK LIKELY DETERMINES WINNER:
    our week starts tuesday TONIGHT, and it’s an NL 5×5 that obviously very deep.
    First the easy one- does Heston get 2 starts Tues to Monday?

    I’m hanging on to first by a thread and have Pena Grandal Grishuk Stanton all KINDA hurt, (thats the worst part….the “Kinda'”) and IF THEY DONT PLAY and I start them im in big trouble!!!
    I especially need HR R Rbi AVE in that order.

    First which catcher IS BENCHED out of Pena Garneau and Grandal?
    Next
    IF I START STANTON I HAVE TO SIT ( salary cap) A. Russell, Polanco or Desmond so at this point I think i have to sit him and lose potential 2-3 games of him this week AGREE?

    If so, I get to start one of Jace Peterson, Garneau, Mercer, Grichuk ( hey every R/Rbi counts)
    From the 4 above who gets the week AB’s for me starting tonight?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @luvdarooks: It’s not easy, I don’t know the Giants pitching schedule… Pena… Sit Stanton…Jace

  17. Cdouglas says:
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    12 team H2H. Playoffs are here…
    I have fragu in my util spot, and since he returned this weekend and I also got j-Fer back from the DL I dropped Myers who I had filling in for Gutierrez. I’m still holding severino and liriano, and this is a redraft league.
    My question is:
    Fragu, Pagan, or Meyers and is it time I lose one of those 2 pitchers for a bench spot on offense?

    • Cdouglas says:
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      @Cdouglas: sorry that was Myers. Evidently auto correct doesn’t like the way he spells it.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Cdouglas: Drop Liriano…Myers

  18. Nick says:
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    Who would you want the rest of the way at SS?

    Asdrubal, Eduardo or Lowrie?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Nick: Eduardo

      • Nick says:
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        @Grey:

        Thank you!

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          No problem

  19. papasmurf says:
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    Yep ’tis I, he who has both Box and Robertson. Boy Mrs. Smurf had a rough time cleaning up them shroom residue this morning. I was sniffin’ them good.

    After the Carrasco start I was feeling good. Felt even better when Colome was in line for the W. An hour later I checked in… yowza the ERA and WHIP exploded.

    Also streamed Almonte, literally the only Indian not to have any counting stat. Every other Indian had at least one hit and one R or RBI.

    In a tight race for the title. Past smurf implosions flashing before my eyes.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @papasmurf: Haha…Love that you’re battling for a title and haven’t heard anything positive about your team all year

      • papasmurf says:
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        @Grey: That’s how I win. :)

        Gotta focus on the negatives and fix’em.

        On the serious side though, my team really isn’t very good. I’ve had to make already 200 roster moves and literally had to manage day to day to try to get favorable daily matchups. No truly dominant teams in my team, which helps.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Haha…Whatever it takes, glad you’re battling for a championship…Hope you don’t lose Smurf-style on the last day of the season with a HBP

  20. Chris says:
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    H2H points – Brandon Phillips or Corey Seager.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Chris: Phillips

  21. Rich says:
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    Need 2 streamers for tomorrow – which 2 would you go with out of these:

    Santana v Det
    Weaver @ Sea
    Peavy v Cin

    Thanks!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Rich: Not Weaver

  22. Dangerfield 51 says:
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    C-Mart at the Brewers or Tomlin home vs Royals…H2H points

    Thanks

  23. Elliot

    Elliot says:
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    Streamers for today. Who do you like out of:
    Heston v CIN
    Koehler @ NYM
    Ubaldo v BOS
    Kelly @ BAL