Yesterday, I was watching the Twins game and I fell asleep and had a dream that Razzball’s Twitter account got one of those blue check marks. I’m not sure what this says about my fantasies, but it says something about Tyler Duffey and the Twins. They lack a certain je ne sais Michelle Kwan. The Twins seem to do this on purpose. Very workmanlike. Like a Minnesota woman who would handily beat me in an arm wrestling match. Pun noted. I’ve never been to Minnesota, but I picture the women looking like Jesse Ventura when he used to wear feathers in his hair and leotards. As with just about every Twins pitcher since Radke, minus Liriano and Johan, Duffey is yet another Twins hurler that has solid control and okay, not great strikeouts. Yesterday, he went 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers, and had a 2.53 ERA in Triple-A with a 7 K/9. I don’t see any huge upside here and is better in real life, which apparently the Twins play in. The Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but I would start him if I needed to gamble. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Glen Perkins – Targeting a Friday return. Coincidentally, I’m targeting Friday as the day I try on my newest merkins.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. And moved all the way up to the seven hole in the lineup! Yeah, cause Mauer has to be locked into the three hole because he impregnates leotarded, Minnesota women with sly glances. “I was on my John Deere, minding my own business, when the missus ran out, with her flowing Ventura locks, and jumped on my gear shift. Turned out Mauer looked at her.”
Kyle Lobstein – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER. As The B-52’s would say, “Rock Lobstein!”
Matt Duffy – Was called up by the Astros. If he can have the kind of success with the Astros that he had with the Giants…Wait, that’s not right. Oh, this is a different Matt Duffy. Doesn’t he know you’re supposed to add an H to your name if you have the same one as a current major leaguer? *looks at his minor league numbers* Well, hello there! *looks at his age* What took you so long? *looks at my dog painting a portrait with his tail* What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, Mhatt Duffy. Meh, nothing to see here unless he plays and gets hot.
Carlos Gomez – Due to intercostal discomfort, he was out of the lineup yesterday. The Astros said it’s mild and he’s just out for this Rangers series. Usually intercostal injuries knock players out for weeks at a time, and Gomez hasn’t been good up until now, so, if your plan was for Gomez to win you your H2H playoffs, you need to make other plans while God laughs.
Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Okay, but in April of next year he’s definitely going to regress!
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer. 12 is also the age he stopped growing.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.76 and 4.04 on the Rangers. I sure am glad I claimed this schmohawk. What would I ever do without him? Stream better pitchers. Shut up, Random Italicized Voice.
Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Coming into this game, he had a 4.86 ERA at home, a 4.58 ERA on the road and a 7.45 ERA in September. So, you can kick yourself for not starting him, but it would’ve taken big eggs in the basket to do it.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, which comes after an 0-for-9. I guess what I’m saying is he faked acting like his bat went cold just so you could bench him in your weekly leagues.
Seth Smith – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Thuper!
Hunter Pence – Could be shut down for the year. For now, the Gangly Manbird will continue to rest in a bed of twigs and his own saliva.
Angel Pagan – 2-for-4, 1 run, after stealing three bases on Sunday, and hitting over .300 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Ramon Cabrera – 4-for-4, 1 run, and homered on Saturday, his 1st. That cheer you hear is the guy in the NL-Only league with two catchers.
Billy Hamilton – Re-aggravated his shoulder injury. Aggravation is a good word. Aggro would also work. PO’d could also sum it up. And I don’t mean I’m Post Office’d or Purchase Ordered.
Michael Cuddyer – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup after missing two weeks. He should be a solid pick up for– Damn, he’s hurt again, isn’t he?
Logan Verrett – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. He’s a middle reliever that’s filled in for Harvey. Only reasonable explanation why he’s looked good in two starts is no one has the book on him yet. Just wait until James Patterson’s team of assistants write a book on him, then it’s over.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-3 and his 35th homer. This is the kind of dream you don’t wake up from. But you don’t sleep if you come from where I come from, says Dr. Dre’s ghostwriter.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. I can’t wait to see d’Arnaud as the new boss of Celebrity Apprentice!
Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.63 and his 41st save. SAGNOF and yadda3, but he’s been the best closer in all of baseball this year. Best waiver wire pickup? Hard to argue with it.
Yonder Alonso – Done for the year. Shame to see that happen to a guy that was having a career year. Did I say career year? I mean just year. He was having a year.
Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. Please don’t tempt me for next year. Thank you.
James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.80. He does realize he should also be doing this in Petco, right? I mean, someone explained this to him, right?
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Red Sox. I started Gausman in a few weekly leagues, due to the allure of the Double Down, praying he’d get past the first start yesterday and get to his 2nd start vs. the Rays without giving me a heart attack. Not to be a sayer of doom, but why do I now worry about his next start?
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. Not to be a broken record about all young pitchers, but can we just shut them all down? Not to be a broken record about all young pitchers, but– Sorry.
Corey Kluber – Will start on Thursday vs. the Royals. I’m not one to put my nose where it doesn’t belong, but Friday is home vs. the White Sox. You’ve been out for two weeks, you can’t wait an extra day?
Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.62. I love me some Carrasco, but, honestly, I have no idea what we’re going to get from start to start. It’s like a roulette wheel with no numbers and only red and black. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not. I guess that could also just be a coin flip.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, which was his 2nd homer in ten weeks. “I think it’s just mucus…No, there’s fog on the mirror under his nose!”
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th steal. All he does is make happy. Big, giant sacks of happy.
Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. I just dropped him in one shallow league because I just couldn’t handle the on-again, off-again playing time he was getting as they nurse him back to 100% health. *smacking arm veins* I need stats right now, man!
Giancarlo Stanton – Could return this week. Oh. I mean, huh? Wasn’t he declared out for the year? From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears, please don’t let him come back and re-injure his hands. Like Schindler’s List was to life, your hands are to my life.
Erasmo Ramirez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Yankees. In retrospect, it sure seems like a good start. Be a great pick right now for Benjamin Button. The Stream-o-Nator is iffy on Erasmo’s next start, and I don’t trust him at all.
CC Sabathia – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.93, which was also his weight when he was still a good pitcher. You know what Bartolo calls dieters? Quitters. Which are also what his socks are if you were to try them on.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer. Two more home runs and I won’t find any fault with your season. And, if I hear anyone saying something bad about you, I’ll even defend you. Pretty lightweight arguing with mostly just hemming and hawing, but I will still defend you.
Melky Cabrera – 4-for-8, 1 run, 1 RBI. The Melk man delivers! And he is your real father, not that man burping on the couch.
David Robertson – 1 IP, 2 ER. To the owner of Robertson and Boxberger yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), I’m just going to put on Third Eye Blind’s song, Jumper, and I want you to really listen to the words.
Trayce Thompson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in the past four games. Trayce feels like a name from the year 2050, when children will get to choose their sex. Any hoo! He platoons, so it’s hard to recommend him.
Jake Smolinski – 1-for-6 and his 4th homer. Check out this Smolinski!
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 16th homer. I talk a lot about this (you try to write 3000 words a day and keep it all fresh), but it would be an interesting experiment to see where Lawrie gets drafted next year if he has 19 homers vs. 20 homers. Not sure who to test that theory on. Maybe find someone to lock in a basement for the next six months. Not the last six months, that’s all of you.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Reddick seems to be a rising schmotato. Just, ya know, keep it wrapped.
Sonny Gray – 3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies have a red carpet party for the Emmys where they critique the outfits, they hear Macho Man and they don’t think of Randy Savage but of The Village People, and they will destroy your ratios at the worst possible moment.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. His ERA in the 2nd half of the year is under zero. Thereabouts.
Corey Seager – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting .432. Yeah, you’re gonna have to reach just a little to draft him next year.
Cesar Hernandez – Out for the year with a dislocated thumb. He tried to use a wax thumb he made at a carnival, but he couldn’t make it work.
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 6 ER. Please shut down Nola before we need a celebrity telethon.
Cody Asche – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Member when I called him a sleeper in 2014? I don’t. You must be remembering it wrong. *slowly tiptoes out of the room, re-enters and rips Asche poster off wall labeled “2014 Sleepers”*
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 6 ER vs. the Phils. Is this karmic retribution for something? I’m sorry I threw that fake puke over the side of the theater balcony. I’ll never do it again!
Jayson Werth – 2-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers. Hey, I don’t like him either, but it’s silly to not own him at this point. Fo’reallies.
Anthony Rendon – 4-for-6 and his 5th homer, which comes after a solid weekend (6-for-12). I.e., it’s the least he can do after I drafted him in the 4th round. Emphasis on least.
Ryan Zimmerman – Still feeling pain in his oblique when he coughs. Damn, he should’ve never reworked his swing to include coughing.