Manny Machado put up his right hand yesterday to measure it against a hand drawing every clubhouse has posted on its wall. The drawing is of Mark Whiten’s hand that once held four baseballs in it. Four baseballs for the four homers he hit in one game. In the Padres’ clubhouse, this hand has been removed because it’s just a not-so-subtle reminder of what will never be. In the Indians’ clubhouse, the hand is made into a turkey to celebrate the first Thanksgiving. In the Astros’ clubhouse, the hand has been cut out and fashioned into a t-shirt for Altuve. Imagine if Donald Trump wins the presidency and throws out a first pitch. He may never make it to the field, too distracted in the clubhouse by measuring his hands against Whiten. Yesterday, Machado came a fingernail short of the hand, hitting three homers with seven RBIs. Now has 25 homers on the year with a .307 average. Terrific, stupendous, adjective! What’s more remarkable is he does not have one steal all year. Almost as crazy, he’s only attempted three. Did he have a knee transplant this offseason with McCutchen as the donor? Machado stole 20 bases last year. To go to none? Wow, his feet definitely don’t measure up to the Rickey Henderson foot drawings in each clubhouse. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.05. After starting his professional career touted as a top prospect, he was left for dead by many of the same people. Goes to show you, with Bundy, you need to see the five count. There’s not a league I wouldn’t own him in now.
James Shields – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.68 on the White Sox. Shields reminds me of this rule my friends used to do in their fantasy league. The rule was called, “The Poison Pill Rule.” Every team had one player that was drafted by their opponents that they would have to keep on their team all year. So, you would try to put the absolute worst player on your friend’s team. Shields would’ve been one of those players.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-4 and his 14th homer. The Grande Dollar Store!
Sonny Gray – Left Saturday’s game with a forearm injury, and hit the DL again. I kinda feel bad now making him a preseason schmohawk. I didn’t mean to derail his entire career. I was just saying he was overrated in the preseason. He went from a 2.73 ERA pitcher last year to a 5.74 ERA pitcher his year, which is the worst ERA in the majors for qualified starters. I wish I could put a positive spell on players as good as I jinx them. Jesus, I’m dangerous!
Marcus Semien – 2-for-3 and his 23rd homer. Fun fact! When Semien autographs memorabilia, he’s always careful to dot the I.
Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Glad to see him right his ship (I couldn’t care less). Seriously happy for me (I couldn’t be less happy). Good for him (who cares). Long live Arrieta (okay, I don’t want something bad to happen to him, but if he blew out his elbow, would I mourn? Not particularly.) Here’s to a good rest of the year for him. Parenthetically speaking, not so much.
Kyle Hendricks – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.17. Dayum. Of course, when an ERA is that low it’s partially fluky, which we’ll call fartially. That is an unfartunate portmanteau.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd this weekend. Dot dot dot. And I went to pick him up in my leagues. I have no idea where he’s going to play when there’s no longer a DH, like he had in Oakland, but I’m willing to grab him to find out.
Jacob deGrom – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.35. So few Ks this year from deGrom that I can only say one thing, I’m sure glad he’s not bothering with that whole “I have elbow spurs” thing, and just simply pitching mediocrely through it. Yes, I am saying a guy with a 2.35 ERA is mediocre. Deal with it!
Neil Walker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. That’s his third homer in the last eight games, hitting over .400 in that time. It’s funny (not funny) how guys find their level. He started the year looking like a 30-homer hitter, but he’s not that. He’s a 23-homer hitter, and eventually cooled off and found that level. Told you it was funny (not at all).
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .224. What he’s hitting on the year is irrelevant if he’s hot, but he’s hitting .211 in the last week so it’s not irrelevant. That was a K-turn of a sentence.
Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 5.88. Now has three of the last four starts that are quality, but if you’re picking up a guy with a 5.88 ERA, I appreciate your/you’re nuts.
Ryan Zimmerman – Hit the 15-day DL about 72 hours after his last DL stint. Vegas line had him at +5 for DL stints, and I took the over, so fingers crossed. [email protected]–Sorry, fingers crossed when I’m done typing.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ready for another game of, “Fun with cherrypicking stats!” For today’s game, we cherrypick Roark’s ERA of 2.88 and point out it would be 2nd best in the AL, right behind Aaron Sanchez at 2.85.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-2 and his 18th homer, hitting .338. I will say it was probably premature of me to cut Ramos after one 0-for-3 game in April.
Hunter Pence – Expected to return today, after fouling a ball off his cheek on Saturday. I imagine that will be the part A-Rod misses the most, the foul balls on the cheek.
Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Shark Tank Idea! Someone should build an app that turns Siri into Beavis and Butthead, but that’s unrelated to this blurb on Bung-gardener. Hehe.
Gregory Polanco – Pinch-hit yesterday but hasn’t started in four straight games. Between this new injury and his last one where he barely missed the DL but sat out for almost a week, I’m beginning to think one solid 15-day DL stint before the All-Star Game would’ve saved us all a lot of day-to-days. Big pet peeve of mine, I hate day-to-days.
Matt Joyce – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer. I’m trying to suppress my thoughts that I would be better off with Joyce and Brandon Moss platooning onto my team than owning Piscotty. I’m losing this fight to suppress ideas in my own head. Banging head on desk isn’t helping.
Josh Harrison – 1-for-4 and a homer. Guess how many homers he has. Don’t cheat and look it up! Go ahead and guess. Keep in mind people still ask if they should pick him up and he’s owned in 71% of ESPN leagues. Give up? He has four homers. Oh. Kay.
Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first start with the Pirates. After the game, Ray Searage had some difficulty with his pyrotechnics and his name in fireworks spelled “Sewage,” but everything else went off without a hitch.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and two homers on Saturday (7, 8). Hot schmotato alert!
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-4, 3 runs and 4 steals (40, 41, 42, 43). Isn’t it weird how four steals is 40-43, but 43 minus 40 is three? I think I need a nap. *claps hands* I’m back, snitches! What the hell was Pre-Nap Grey talking about? What a wild card he is!
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, his 2nd this weekend in Coors. Imagine how many homers he’d have if he were on the Rockies. *wavy lines* Hey, Giancarlo has 85 homers this year, and I’m at a new-agey science center trying to be shrunk, so I can Innerspace my way into his brown eye. Wait, that’s not his face eye. *wavy lines* I just got the chills from that fantasy.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homers. Why am I donning my Red Bull wingsuit?! Because! It’s a Torenado!
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .249. Member in the preseason when he was being drafted in the top five rounds and I told you not to? We’ve gotten to the point now where can you even remember why anyone was drafting him in the top five rounds? I can, but only barely. Something about how people said he was going to hit 40 homers.
Matt Andriese – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.90. He moved into the rotation after Moore left for Communist, Left-wing, Ambulatory only by Motorized scooter, San Francisco (often abbreviated CLAM Fran). But even if the Stream-o-Nator likes Andriese, I have a hard time getting behind him until he shows he can go at least six innings.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer, hitting .281. I get the sense that Longoria will appear to be back to pre-terrible Longoria numbers after this season, but still won’t be back in fantasy baseballers’ (<–my mom’s term!) good graces, and I completely agree.
David Peralta – Was placed back on the DL with a right wrist injury. He hit the DL with an injury to the same wrist earlier this year, but it appears unrelated…until you realize his left wrist cheated death and now his right wrist is playing out a Final Destination-type scenario.
Patrick Corbin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.37. I’ve mentioned this before, but, after writing 3000 words a day for five months, I’ve mentioned a lot. I can’t believe Corbin hasn’t shown any signs this year. No mention of injuries either, from what I’ve heard. Perhaps when you have Shelby Miller on your team all other starters just look better, so the Diamondbacks think Corbin’s having an okay season.
Jake Lamb – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .287. Slam, bam, thank you, Lamb!
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a slam (9) and double legs (42, 43). JFoH wants to trade me Carrasco for Villar. What do we say to that, Razzball Nation? More like Jack Full of Wishful Thinking!
Jake Thompson – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER in his major league debut. He looked about as good as Lea Thompson’s old woman acting in Back to the Future.
Odubel Herrera – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .285. He’s the type of player that is going to end the year at 15/20/.280 and next year you are going to have no idea if you should draft him. Call him Riddlebel Herrera.
Alex Dickerson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. All aboard the hot Dickerson train again! For those that found us on Google from, “All aboard the hot Dickerson train,” I’m honestly not sure what you’re looking for. But welcome! We won’t judge you.
Ryan Schimpf – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Ugh, I thought I was save to forget in what order the consonants went in his name.
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Now watch the Blue Jays shut him down, then Scooby and Scrappy Doo pull the sheet off an evil ghost this offseason and it turns out it’s just Sanchez’s last subpar start haunting him, and everyone smokes a bowl and gets along. The 2nd half of this scenario seems less likely.
Yordano Ventura – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.64. This start came against the Blue Jays, so I was about to write sonavabench, but I just went to check my team and somehow my better judgment lost out to my flawed judgment and I started him. Apparently, I fought my flaw, and my flaw won.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. That was his 2nd homer in the week. The Morales of the story, person who goes to bed with scratchy rear wakes up with smelly finger. Hey, these Spencer’s Gifts fortune cookies are awesome!
Matt Carpenter – Was lifted from Saturday’s game and didn’t play Sunday. Mike Cardsmanagertheny said Carpenter didn’t look right. Then the cameras cut to Matt Carpenter in an ill-fitting suit and he said, “I don’t feel right either.”
Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.79 thru one and a half starts. JB will be along later today with his pitching profile on Musgrove. I’ll give you a sneak preview. He says, “Don’t read this, Grey, or I will drop my Hulk Hogan-sized 6′ 7″ leg on you.”
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.78. But, since I can’t have anything nice, he received a no decision because Jeffress (1 IP, 2 ER) and Dyson (1 IP, 1 ER) simultaneously sucked and blew.
Tyler Skaggs – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. Taijuan Walker 4 IP, 6 ER. In a matchup that was billed as, “This is gonna be so great for my fantasy team,” but was later changed to, “Should I drop these two schmohawks from my fantasy team?”
James Paxton – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Hey, it’s Paxton Coreleone pulling us back in. What a surprise. Leave the gun, take the streamer. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, but I think it’s fair to say no person or bot has any idea what he’s going to do from start to start.
David Price – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.34. I’m reminded of the immortal words of Happy Gilmore, the Price is wrong, bitch! Man, what a dumpster fire this guy is. I never thought I’d want Chris Archer back. I’d prefer to watch Olympic badminton than Price pitch. Just as much swatting too.
Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal. Instead of RSVP, I’m gonna start saying, “I will Benintendi your event.”
Justin Turner – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting .274. Too bad he couldn’t repeat last year. Psych! He’s been better. Did I fool you? I did, huh? I’m sorry.
Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 10th homer. He should grab onto Teixeira’s dusty coattails and fly off into the sunset with him.
Rich Hill – Was scratched from his start this weekend due to his recurring blister. I had one of these blisters once on my groin and Epson salt really helped. Maybe TMI, maybe not.
Andrew Miller – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save on Saturday as Cody Allen worked an irrelevant 8th inning yesterday. Okay, Terry Francona is officially messing with us. There’s one way to fix this. Someone should tape Francona’s mouth, put him in a gorilla suit and send him to Africa, and let me manage the Indians. I’d let Miller close. Do you see how easy that is?
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Tanaka refused to answer any Ichiro questions after the game, saying only, “I will beat him.” I could be confusing Tanaka/Ichiro with Professor Tanaka and Jerry “The King” Lawler.
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Gregorius D.I.D. said the pitch was ready to fly that was why he swung that way.
Alex Rodriguez – Announced he’d retire after Friday’s game. To honor the occasion, the Yankees presented him with a team portrait of the 2009 championship team drawn as Greek mythology creatures. I love how the centaur had A-Rod’s hoof around the shoulder of Derek’s Pegasus, and CyClops Sabathia looks awesome!