You know when Shin-Soo Choo (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer) is hitting homers there’s a Dong Party going on. Dong Party is also my lead single off my album, “Who Let In All These Guys?” The CD cover had me dressed like a sailor, begrudgingly hoisting a man for a keg stand. None of this is ringing a bell? That’s weird, but it did perform better in Asia than here. Choo hadn’t homered since July 4th and only has 4 homers since May 22nd and is hitting .238. Can we say bust? If you can’t, you might want to see a speech therapist. Also joining the Dong Party was J.P. Arencibia (3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer). That Arencibia is one spicy meatball! You know what one meatball said to another meatball? What’s up, metaball? What? No good? Okay, I won’t submit it to Highlights. Arencibia has 4 homers in the last eleven games, and has been known to go on a dong run. For those of you who just found us today Googling “dong run.” We won’t judge you here. Next up, for the Dong Party was Robinson Crusoe. He’s got a novel idea. It’s about a shipwrecking. Quite the yarn! Chirinos (3-for-5, 3 runs and two homers) has 11 homers on the year, and I’ve enjoyed owning him in a few two-catcher leagues, but he’s hitting .237 and I wouldn’t get too excited, especially not while you’re at a Dong Party. Finally, arriving at the Dong Party with a homer in the first inning was Adrian Beltre (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer). Getting a bangfizzle at a Dong Party is such a bummer. By the by, Such A Bummer was my follow-up single. Tell me if you want the Sound Cloud link. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Derek Holland – Was hit hard in his rehab assignment. His mustache? Still fine.
Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.50. Had such an early lead I wouldn’t put too much stock in this. He had a free room at the W on the Ivictory Coast, and took full Advantage points.
Adam Dunn – 0-for-4 and 1 IP, 1 ER as he pitched an inning of relief. Too bad he didn’t K anyone, that would’ve been the Big Donkey punch-out. Position player pitching is the equivalent to a cat playing a piano, and the meat-and-potatoes Dunn was surprisingly deft playing chopsticks.
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4. Looking like he’s finally showing life in his dreadful season. If he’s out there in your league, I’d definitely give him a look.
Will Venable – 2-for-4. I know, it’s far from an exciting proposition to be grabbing multiple Padre hitters, but here’s another one that’s hot. Schmotato, that is.
Kennys Vargas – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .333. Just because no one else is talking about him, don’t let that stop you. This is a trust exercise, fall into my arms. Whoa, you’re top heavy!
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 4.01. Nice matchup + Hughes = Los Pollos Hermanos. Hmm, math’s off there Was supposed to equal ‘streamable.’
Allen Craig – To the DL with a foot injury. Okay, that’s my bad. Mea culpa, guys and four girls. I’ve lost Zimmerman, Tulo and Hosmer in the matter of two weeks. I’m a jinx, Craig was bound to get hurt. It was inevitable! On a side note, the Razzball Tour is in effect. Here’s a still I grabbed from the last show. My question is, did they frame that shot like that so you wouldn’t be sure which ones are the boobs?
Shane Victorino – Having back surgery and is done for the year. The Flyin’ Hawaiian’s gonna be doing commercials for Life Alert soon. I’m flyin’ and I can’t get up!
Rubby De La Rosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.43. Meh, I’m not trying to be a hater like my son, but I just can’t get behind him. Stream-o-Nator agrees with me, for what it’s Werth.
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-4, 1 run. This was Yoenis’s first visit to St. Louis since the trading deadline, which is irrelevant since he came from the A’s, but since Allen Craig was out, someone had to receive the Lou birds.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.89. Hmm…I streamed him for this start, but I’m not sure why he was on waivers. Dah, I’m falling in love with my streamer, who am I? I’m a rosterbator, get it together, Grey! *smacks self* Ow! That hurt! You needed it. You is I, you idiot. Yay me.
Wilson Ramos – Out on paternity leave. Will he be in full catcher gear as he gets into a crotch?
Ryan Zimmerman – Walked on a water treadmill. That sounds like a prize for the winner of a challenge on Hell’s Kitchen. Is this water treadmill at Universal Studios?
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks at home vs. the Mess, ERA up to 4.01. This should’ve been Shutdown City with a blowout sale on strikeouts. I want my money back! I really think you can find a better starter off waivers in most mixed leagues. This could be the beginning of the end. Well, depending on how long the end is, this could be the middle of the end.
Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. Not beautiful with the WHIP, but WHIP this, his ERA in the 2nd half is 1.73. Okay, again with an exclamation. 1.73 ERA!
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I will draft him in the first round next year to reverse jinx him. From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears.
Wade Miley – 4 2/3 IP, 10 ER. We should have a glossary term for pitcher that gets hit so bad that it kills your entire week in H2H leagues. Please suggest in the comments.
Danny Duffy – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.39. Chuck him into the same Trapper Keeper as Rubby. Looks okay on the surface, but that’s superficial and we all know we’re gentlemen (and four ladies) that prefer a good personality and a pitcher not getting by on luck.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. San Salvador, the Patron Saint of Abuelitas, is having a decent enough season, but if you own him and have an erection for longer than four hours, I’d see a doctor.
Norichika Aoki – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. I’ve had him for the majority of the season, and it’s been painful. So, yesterday, I benched him as he hit his first homer all year — a grand slam. Sonavabench!
Carlos Gonzalez – Sat out again on Tuesday, but did pinch hit. He says he’ll avoid the DL; he didn’t say if he’ll just sit out for 15 days without an actual DL stint.
Brett Anderson – Headed to the DL with back spasms. On the bright side, it’s between him and Shia LaDouche for The Boy in the Bubble remake.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5 and his 10th homer. He was lifted for a baserunner, and I had a case of DLzebub whispering bad thoughts in my ear. Figure on the Rockies, he had to be injured, but I didn’t see any news on it. I won’t be at peace until he plays again.
Javier Baez – 1-for-6 and his first homer. He’s the bee’s knees and the pussy’s whiskers! Only needed three strikeouts and 12 innings until he connected. He might just be a Donkey middle infielder — high Ks and power — but Baez is MI Donkey!
Sam Fuld – 1-for-4 and his 16th steal and his third steal in the last two games. SAGNOFuld!
Josh Reddick – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. I don’t want to be too pushy or for you to take this the wrong way or hurt your feelings, but you’re moving too slow grabbing Reddick.
Jason Hammel – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post. Far from an excellent start or eggcellent if Mr. Burns is reading, but at least he didn’t get shelled — pun point!
Matt Garza – Hit the DL with an oblique injury. He said it hurts on his, um, well, whatchamacallit…Dah, it’s oblique! Marco Estrada will replace him for the Brewers, here’s hoping you have better options.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. He’s cooled off dramatically. No, that doesn’t mean he histrionically put a handkerchief to his forehead while someone fanned him. I mean he had 11 homers thru the end of May, and not that much since. Hopefully, this is a sign he’s coming out of it.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.20, which is appropriate since he was facing Tim Lincecum (6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks). Nelson has three straight barely Quality Starts, and doesn’t look like he has his big boy pants on yet. Maybe when he goes by James.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, but there were three unearned runs too. Ticker shock!
Andrelton Simmons – Left the game after hurting his ankle. He tried to fix the injury by touching it with his glowing finger, but no dice. Get him some Reese’s Pieces!
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.97. Actually expected a much better start from F-Her against the Braves. I mean, they average eight Ks after one time through the order.
Juan Uribe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I’m not sure if it’s confirmation bias or not or even what that term means, but if Uribe hits one homer, he hits another within a few days.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. I was just thinking yesterday that if he’s going to get to 32 homers as I hope, he’ll need to start hitting homers soon. Now, I’m not saying I had anything to do with his homer, but just in case — hit two more homers today, Pujols, thank you.
Brett Lawrie – Returned from the DL yesterday and left that game with back tightness. Somebody’s upping their injury-proneness! Next, he’s going to get hurt just hearing he’s no longer hurt. I can’t wait!
Mark Buehrle – 4 IP, 4 ER. Who sells their soul for a good ERA until only the All-Star break? You sold your soul short, Buehrle.
Caleb Joseph – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, and his third straight game with a homer. Whoa, one of the most random hot schmotatoes all year. Father Caleb Joseph has catcher eligibility and must’ve caught something from early hitting sensation Steve Pearce.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4 and a slam (9) and legs (1). Nothing to see here. Need to keep some 2015 sleepers to ourselves.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5, 1 run. Hot schmotato alert!
Nyjer Morgan – Indians cut him. He’s gonna have to retire Tony Plush because having an alter ego where you say whatever you please isn’t as attractive if you don’t have an audience. Thank God for you people!
Josh Tomlin – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. If I would’ve streamed you, Tomlin, this wouldn’t have been funny. Not Laugh-In, at all.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Bruceus, Mary and Joseph Lawrence aka Joey, please get hot. Please.
Kris Negron – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I wonder if Negron is related to Blackmon. Nah, prolly not. Wait! I know, Negron is probably Cingrani with a splash of Vermouth.
Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.04. Not often someone’s ERA in August is lower than my college GPA. Well done, Cueto, and not well done, College Grey! College Grey, “But we had some fun times…That I don’t remember.”
Pedro Alvarez – Placed on bereavement list. He’ll be mourning his career.
Gerrit Cole – Hit hard in his rehab start. Sounds like he’s in game shape!
Andrew McCutchen – Re-diagnosed with a fractured rib. Turns out my ‘replay diagnosis’ was incorrect the other day when I said it looked like he hurt his oblique. I’ll forgive myself since the Pirates doctors misdiagnosed him and they actually examined him. I guess when you say oblique, it can mean just about anything damning. Andrew McClutchin’ his side still on the DL for at least a month, that’s all that matters.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Stream-o-Nator called this one, and faintly likes his next start. Surprised to see that it likes him less so for his next start since it’s vs. the Padres. SON has its reasons I suppose, or it saw the Hitter-Tron doing something obscene with a screwdriver and just wanted to move on.
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 9th steal. In 48 games, he has 5 homers and 9 steals. That’s about 17 HRs and 30 SBs over the course of a season. Boing! Unfortch, the Pirates are less turned on and they moved him down to the seven hole. Hopefully, it’s a short-lived change of scenery.
Brian McCann – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .236. McCann can’t lift his average over .250, but he’s got high hopes. He’s got high hopes. He’s got high whatever-happened-to-that-guy-Felix-Pie hopes.
Jim Johnson – Tigers signed him to a minor league deal. That’s one way to make Joe Nathan look better. It’s the technique where you go to a bar and find a homely girl standing next to an even homelier girl and then tell your friends, “I’m going for the cute one!”
Torii Hunter – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the hand. The X-rays came back clean, but the doctors were taken aback when he filled out the paperwork and wrote 1887 for his DOB.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. They tried to tag him out on the steal, but you have to plunge a silver spike into his heart.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Not a bad start, but he’s about as appealing as what his last name sounds like: the ‘packaging’ of an anatomically correct Ken doll.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. He was 1-for-25 coming into this game. I had better odds in the Playboy Mansion. Cust kayin’.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.89. Fun fact! Dallas was born during the series finale of Dallas and J.R. Richard was the resident physician.
George Springer – Could return on Thursday. He’s been recuperating his quad injury in Quad Cities. Luckily, he didn’t have a problem with his hand because the only place they can rehab that is Handuras.