Mariners play in an awful stadium. Catchers don’t hit for power–[suddenly something blocks the sun] Is that an eclipse? My “Is There An Eclipse Happening Right Now Or Am I Standing In A Shadow” app says there’s no eclipse but I’m also on a treeless street. Nowhere a house. There’s no shadows here! What on earth…Oh my God, it’s Cal Raleigh‘s plump ass! Cal and the Giant Peach () hit his 48th and 49th homer, as he passed Sal Perez for the most homers by a catcher. Look at that fat ass (complimentary)! That puts him ahead of Sal (48), Bench (45), Javy Lopez (43), Campanella (41) and Todd Hundley (41). A great-hey-whatever-to-him-great list! Sometime in May I said I was gonna howl when people were drafting Cal Raleigh in the top 25 next year. I’m gargling now to get the voice chords lubed for a howl, hoot and holler when he’s drafted in the top 10 overall. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Victor Robles – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs activated from the IL, but still faces a suspension for throwing his bat at a pitcher in the minors during his rehab assignment. His one fatal mistake? Not yelling, “Can you sign this for my kid?” You do that and it seems totally harmless.
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.69. That’s a career-high in Ks for him. A career high for all LoGis.
Jacob Lopez – 2 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.08. He was beat by, well, what a disasster.
Jacob Wilson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he returned this weekend from the IL, which I know now and somehow missed when it was time to get him in my lineup on Friday so sonavabench!
Jack Leiter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.81. I could be misremembering this but I think that is his first legit “Look at this, he’s actually good” start. He does that every start out for the final five weeks and it’ll be hard to ignore him next year. Then again, if he reverts to a 3 2/3 IP, 3 BBs start next time out, it won’t matter.
Marcus Semien – Hit the IL with foot contusion. Will miss four to six weeks. I searched Twitter for “Semien foot” and I will now have nightmares about some of the images I saw.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Yeah, he should’ve been DFA’d sometime in May, but he does seem to be schmotato’ing a bit now.
Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Don’t have him in any league, which saddens me because I’ve grown to appreciate these meh Ks, nice ratio guys, as I matured into a very-barely-older fantasy ‘pert. Also, the addition of the pitch clock doesn’t hurt.
Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in his last two games, but not the Rangers last two games, because of either platoons or can’t find pantaloons. Prolly former.
Gavin Williams – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.36. This was all of The Gavin Williams Experience in one jam-packed start. He was holding them hitless and walking the park, then he started allowing hits and runs. Nice! Thanks, man! Streamonator is a little positive for his next one (not fully invested), but I don’t trust him at all.
Zack Wheeler – Will have thoracic outlet syndrome surgery, which is one of the bad ones. It’ll knock him out for six to eight months, so you’re looking at May/June at the earliest and the history of this surgery is littered with a bunch of once-was’s. No relation to Don Was.
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.52. Nola never not never doesn’t give up homers, quadruple negatives be damned, so I went to look at his opponent’s homers, and the Nats are third from dead last. Pirates are dead last, which isn’t surprising, but the 2nd worst team in homers is unguessable. There’s no way I would’ve guessed them. You’re gonna say it in the comments and pretend to be guessing, but you’re not guessing, you went, looked it up and are now pretending to guess. So, how can anyone ever guess right by that rationale? You can’t. It’s more impossible than the hardest Final Jeopardy! question.
Ranger Suarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Prolly too early to start worrying about this but I worry, it’s what I do, and I really need Suarez and Cris Sanchez to pitch deep into September and not get throttled as the Phils prepare for the playoffs.
Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-1 and his 11th homer and his 2nd homer in two games, though yesterday’s was a pinch-hit jobber. That’s a quick schmotato alert for your troubles*. *Rolling your eyes past words I wrote.
Dean Kremer – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.19. [wanders into traffic wearing nothing but a potato sack, yelling at passing cars] Kremer was solid for the last few months! It was a good matchup! What could go wrong, I asked myself! WHAT?!
Trevor Rogers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.40. Guys and five lady readers, Trevor Rogers became the best pitcher in the world this season. Just thought I’d tell ya. Lowest ERA through 1st 13 starts since 1947, Vida Blue (1.31), Hyun Jin Ryu (1.36), John Tudor (1.38), Trevor Rogers.
Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (16) and double legs (18, 19). Ya know, getting one great game a year from my 1st rounder isn’t that bad. Sure, some 1st rounders get one great game every week, but don’t be greedy; it’s a mortal sin.
Luis Vazquez – 1-for-3 and his 1st MLB homer. Hey, Orioles, extend him!
Spencer Arrighetti – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.21. Spencer Arrighetti…peneArrighetti…yum…Sparrighetti…more yum…The SP Arrighetti…No yum.
Yordan Alvarez – Strong chance he returns for the series opener on Tuesday. Wish I knew where he was training/staying/something’ing, because I’d just stand about five feet from him saying, “What’s that? Kyle Tucker’s been playing with a fractured hand? And he homered twice this weekend? Wow, that’s crazy? What, it was actually three homers? Haha, wild stuff, huh, Yordan?”
Cristian Javier – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.40. You should be watching Javier to see if you want to get him next year; you shouldn’t be watching him because you have him this year.
Seth Lugo – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.99 vs. Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.87. This matchup was billed as, “I have tremendous amount of faith in these guys long-term but we’d be foolish to not drop them and look elsewhere.”
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, and 10 homers in August. Crazy how one month has made him a top 100 overall pick for 2026. Good on Pasketti, but I can’t say I’m super excited to be in June of next year, and have Pasketti with 12 homers and struggling in every power category.
Maikel Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. [only thinking of Maikel and Turang] Steals feel down this year.
Wenceel Perez – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in the last week. Have Wenceel in one 15-team mixed league and now you have to think to yourself, “Am I bragging or is that pathetic?” What if it were both?
Riley Greene – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 31st homer. Also, in this game, Spencer Torkelson (1-for-5) hit his 28th homer. Maybe it’s the home park, but between Greene, Tork and Carpenter, is it me (it’s not me) or does it feel like Tigers’ hitters are underrated?
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 2.93. Somehow his ERA has gone from 2.92 to 2.93 in the 2nd half with a rollercoaster of good wheeeee, bad wheeeee, good wheeeee, bad wheeeee starts.
Luis Matos – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in three games. His season numbers look promising (7/4 in 125 ABs) if he wasn’t hitting .209 and in an awful platoon where he only faces lefties.
Caleb Durbin – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, 2nd hit in the last week, and frigidly cold, but what was cold is hot and hot thy cold becomes, says my Shakespeare Fantasy Baseball Generator.
Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 4 BBs, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.68. If he can stave off regression until next year, when it does come, it’s gonna be a tsunami of regression. Like running up 55 flights of stairs to get to the rooftop to avoid The Tsunami Regression and it still wipes you away.
Andrew Abbott – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.62. No! Let The Tsunami Regression wipe out Abbott’s entire ERA village next year!
Brady Singer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.06 vs. Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.13. This matchup was billed as, “Singer/Gallen, and if you said they were both crap, they made you eat shi–Wait, that’s Singer Allin.”
Spencer Steer – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, as he foreclosed on my Pagan save and I can’t get any gee-dee luck here!
Paul Skenes – 7 IP, 0 Er, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.07, as he secured his 8th win or secuuured if Kanye’s reading. Really hoping he doesn’t get 10 wins and wins the Cy, because I’m a sicko. Through his 50 career starts: 294 IP, 351 Ks, 2.02 ERA, 0.94 WHIP. Only Vida Blue has a lower ERA through 50 starts to start a career since 1920. This is a Vida Blue kinda day.
Jared Triolo – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (9), 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Eury Perez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.44. He’s gonna be so awesome next year, and everyone is going to think that, causing his draft price to become so inflated that you’re gonna have to pay for a high number two to get him, and then in March he’s going to look so good, his inflated draft price is gonna go up even higher. Sorry, this Magic Eight Ball is crazy, right?
Eric Wagaman – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, three homers in the last week. Wagaman’s aisle five, next to the Funyuns is the hot schnmotatoes.
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in three games. That’s 15 HRs in 43 games. He’s gonna be one of those guys next year who no one will write a sleeper post for (not sexy enough) and he’ll be an actual sleeper.
Nestor Cortes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Like the guy says at the end of Chinatown, “Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown,” if you ever miss on streamer or get reamed by a bad one, we’ll be able to say about our greatest defeats, “Forget it, Jake, it’s Nestor Cortes vs. the Dodgers.”
Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 2 R, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.82. His years of pitching “better” than his ratios is evening itself out this year, as he gave up a grand slam to Teoscar, but Lauerano robbed it because I, a Teoscar owner, can’t have nice things.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Freeman can get to 20 homers–he can get to 25 homers, or not hit another, and he’ll be overrated next year. He always is.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 45th homer. When you think about how he’s doing this without a giant ass, it makes it even more impressive.
Cade Horton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.88. “No one told me to.” That’s Cade Horton when asked why he’s not regressing.
Taylor Ward – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. Just realized there’s three hitters better than Trout on the Angels. Man, getting old sucks. (Not that I know personally!)
Mick Abel – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.43 as he was recalled. At this point: Streamonator. How’sever, for keepers and to get a looksie for next year, I’m intrigued. Though, he does kinda appear to be more a number four than one.
Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.95 as he was recalled. Good to see he didn’t miss a beat.
Colson Montgomery – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, three homers in three straight games. That’s 13 homers since the break. Zoinks!
Junior Caminero – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 37th homer, a grand slam, 2nd homer in two games, though not in two days, because the Rays/Cards had off on Saturday because of the Bucs. Rays are such a poverty franchise. Speaking of the Bucs though (segue!), our fantasy football tools are now on sale! Buy a season-long subscription and make a new best friend (me).
Ryan Pepiot – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.82. One of the few pitchers (that I am currently remembering) who is pitching nearly identical to last year. Didn’t say as good as or as bad as, just same. (He’s fine as a number three to four.)
Will Warren – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.47. Yankees fans blamed this start on Volpe. They’re prolly right.
Trent Grisham – 2-for-2 and his 24th and 25th homer. Of course, he hit leadoff! It’s a narrative, that I’m pushing!
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer, hitting .239. Noticed the other day he was hitting 7th and I didn’t like that at all. Yesterday, he was hitting 6th. Not a lot better.
Carlos Rodon – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 5 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.24. He leads the majors in walks in the 2nd half. He was getting mad at the umps about calls going against him and none of the calls were wrong, so terrible command; worse ump.
Garrett Crochet – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.38. That Crochet is quite the yarn!
Chris Sale – Will return on Saturday. That’s a Labor Day Weekend Sale!
Clay Holmes – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Braves are so bad…Audience, “How bad are they?”…That the Mets have been playing like crap and the Braves are still playing worse. Audience, “Oh. Okay.”
Jonah Tong – Sounding like he might be brought up by the Mets, so Bubba Chandler won’t be the last big arm promoted. With that said, rookie pitchers this time of year are a lot less interesting than rookie hitters. Rookie pitchers have what, 20 IP left in their arm? You could get that from a streamer.
David Peterson – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Thankfully, he faced the Doodie Braves. Bobby Cox returned to the park this weekend as they honored the 1995 Braves. After the celebration, the ’95 Braves beat the current Braves 9-0 with Chipper Jones leading the way as the 59-year-old Glavine threw a gem.
Mark Vientos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and had three straight at-bats with a homer when he hit that one. Mets should put McNeil, Vientos and Baty into The Fly teleporter and form them into one corner infielder. Sure, it might get a little awkward when two of them want to bat from the left-side of the plate and one of them looks like a squirrel, but can you imagine how great this three-headed Frankencorner would be? 30+ homers, .280 and only have to feed it acorns.
