Lights a candle, and shakes out the match. The candelabra illuminates a cave. I carefully move towards a sleeping figure, reaching down and shaking the Buy/Sell out of its slumber. “Hey, wake up, it’s a new season.”
The Buy/Sell stretches its arm and yawns loudly. “Is it September already?”
“No, it’s March, it’s a new baseball season.”
“Baseball, riiiiight. The thing with the racket.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” In quick cuts, I see the Buy/Sell’s shirt reads Buy/Sell in smears of blood. Cowering away, I trip, only to realize I’ve fallen on the entrails of the real Buy/Sell.
“I’m the new Buy/Sell now!” Then it laughs ghoulishly, gnashing its fangs. So, Scott Kingery made the team. I know, I didn’t expect it either, but good for the Phils. They made the bold choice, and the bold are rewarded, which sounds like a 1970’s cigarette campaign. “Winston Lights, The Bold are Rewarded.” Lance Broz…etc. gave you his Scott Kingery fantasy before it was official Kingery would start the year with the Phils, but it looked to be headed there, which is why it’s so frustrating that I didn’t move on him quicker (Kingery not Lance. “When you’re a fantasy baseball blogger, they just let you move on them.”). But data shows that Kingery is still available in a ton of leagues, and is an immediate buy everywhere. In the video, Anime Grey has some more words on Kingery. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jorge Alfaro – Don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say no one wants Alfaro. You could’ve had him in any league, no matter the depth, and can still grab him in some leagues off waivers. I think we might get a cheap top 10 catcher here. I know, I know, hyperbole isn’t just Manute Bol’s brother. By the way, I miss Manute Bol on the daily. I love super tall people, that’s a fun fact about me.
Ryon Healy – You lost Greg Bird? Aw shucks! Too bad he flies too close to the sun every year. Want a replacement? Healy will do exactly what you expected to get from Bird at half the price. Okay, zero the price because you just have to pick him up from waivers. Also, for a deep “What says you now” pick, Daniel Vogelbach tore up Spring Training and made the Mariners. Looking for a guy who was projected for under seven homers by everyone and could hit 30+ homers? Vogelbach is your shaggy dog hero.
C.J. Cron – For years, I’ve longed for the day Cron would be a starter. Finally, we get that opportunity, and I’m pretty nonplussed (North American informal definition). Was much more fun when Cron was benched arbitrarily! Never the hoo! I’d still grab Cron.
Jose Martinez – Carpenter has said he will play all over the field to get Martinez playing time. From your mouth to God’s ears! If, for a moment, Matheny is God and not Giancarlo.
Jonathan Villar – Was a forgotten man in early drafts, then began to gain traction towards the end of March and in late fantasy baseball drafts. Apparently, fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) figured a 12/35 guy may not be that bad of a gamble.
Scooter Gennett – I think there’s a better chance of Scooter repeating last year, then completely flaming out. Not that there’s anything wrong with flaming out. If you want to flame out, I won’t judge you.
Amed Rosario – Bit surprised how underdrafted Amed’s been this year. I get the whole “the Mets’ touch turns gold to poo,” and he’s batting ninth, but Amed is their leadoff hitter of the future, and I doubt they wait long to put him there. He could go 12/25/.270. Seems worth owning to me.
Tyler Wade – Jennifer 1 was a racehorse-rider, Heidi was a house on fire, Bernadette kept a distance, and I got tangled up in the Tyler Wade waiver wire! This is what I do! For a living. With Bird grounded, Wade should figure into the Kodiak. I grabbed him in one league for the outside chance he becomes this year’s Whit Merrifield.
Marcus Semien – This guy feels like he’s been in all the Buys for the last decade, right? Semien is no longer a baby batter.
Ketel Marte – You, “Ooh, ooh, the Phils signed Kingery to a big contract and it just shows how much they believe in him. I say, terrific. Terrific, I say.” Yeah, aight, but guess what Ketel Marte received this week? A hell lot less fanfare, but also a contract proving the Diamondbacks are ready to commit to Marte.
Lewis Brinson – I named Brinson my preseason NL Rookie of the Year over Ronald Acuna. As I said in this week’s podcast, I will describe my thinking, “Ronald Acuna is totally going to be the NL Rookie of the Year. Aw, geez, everyone’s picked ¡Acuna! already. Okay, I’m choosing Brinson.” It’s the ol’ process of zigging vs. zagging.
Randal Grichuk – How much wood can Grichuk use to club homers if a Grichuk could club homers? Same as how I like my women, over thirty-five.
Michael Taylor – If you don’t trust me, at least trust December Grey with the Michael Taylor sleeper.
Matt Kemp – Here’s an exciting name (about five years ago)! I hear he dated Rihanna (about five years ago). I heard he’s in the best shape of his life (about five years ago).
Cameron Maybin – Rolling out the flashy names now in a sarcastic way. Fun fact! Good Friday was the first use of sarcasm for its use of good. So, Maybin’s far from a fresh face and I know he didn’t start yesterday, but that’s one day and he did steal 33 bases last year. That’s worth owning, no? Not to answer, but to nod, transfixed by my mustache.
Mallex Smith – Essentially a young man’s Maybin. I will call him, Aprilbin. Or not. Yeah, prolly not.
Greg Holland – The Cards first option for saves was the northwestern African nation of Dominic Leone. If they were in The Nile, I could’ve seen Tyler Lyons or Luke Gregerson, when he returned, but now they’re moving to Holland, who is similar to a Slim Jim — known for the two lips!
Brad Ziegler – Only owned in 16% of ESPN leagues, but Klara Bell owns 56,000 teams to stock up that virtual trophy case, so that’s no true indiation of Ziegler’s ownership. If he is available, I would grab him for SAGNOF purposes, or porpoises if dolphins are reading.
Blake Parker – Just went over him, click on his name and you will be transported to the last mention of him. It’s magic!
Brad Boxberger – Here’s what I said this preseason (yesterday morning) about Boxberger, “Named the closer over Archie Bradley. Bummed like a forgotten vet (social justice warrior!) that I didn’t push Boxberger harder in my rankings vs. Bradley. This shituation was clearly headed this way because Bradley is just more valuable being able to bridge close games from the middle of the 7th inning thru the 8th. Think Andrew Miller in the desert; I will call him Andrew Moses.” And that’s me quoting me!
Hunter Strickland – As my mug reads, “Don’t ask me, I just SAGNOF here.”
Pat Neshek – Just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger, and have at it.
Jack Flaherty – Updated my top 80 starters for Flaherty when Wainwright got hurt like Adam just heard about himself on a radio show. Flaherty feels to me like a guy that goes from undrafted to a top 40 SP.
Blake Snell – Yup, wrote a Blake Snell sleeper too, but on top of that the Stream-o-Nator likes Snell’s first start. One word of advice on Snell and the Rays, in general, I have no idea how this barely four-man rotation is going to shake out for fantasy. My guess is it’s going to ruin Snell for fantasy or the Rays flip to a five-man rotation by May. Like Altuve trying to get cereal, I’m hoping for the latter.
Aaron Judge – I found Judge on the opposition’s research (ESPN rankings), and grabbed the guy right after him (J.D. Martinez), and put them in our new little toy, the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyser. Did not surprise me to see Just Dong more valuable than Does Nothing But Dongs. You like how I buried the lede too? Yes, we have a trade analyzer. It’s one part wow, one part holy smokes, two parts yowsers, four parts–How many parts is that? Because it’s really only seven parts, anything else would be a lie. You’ll find not only the quick Rudy Gamble blurb as to what side is better, but you can also see projections to clarify why one side is better. Okay, now play with that tool until you go blind! Figuratively, of course. As for Judge, I wouldn’t sell him for a beanbag filled with baked beans, but I would explore options.