Scooter Gennett had the game of his life yesterday. Well, isn’t he Vespecial? You say to me, “Unkie Grey, can I sit on your lap metaphorically and you tell me why Scooter hit so many homers?” Sure, Nephew, it’s simple. A story of my Scooter in two tweets:
Someone left me a note w/ stock tips, but didn’t specify what bike company pic.twitter.com/1ikcQpTgYY
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 6, 2017
I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN NOW PERSON WHO LEFT ME A NOTE ABOUT MY PARKING, I SHOULDN’T HAVE PARKED MY SCOOTER ON MY BENCH! pic.twitter.com/S42hZlEOQ0
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 7, 2017
I am the first person in the history of fantasy baseball to bench two hitters for games with at least three home runs in the same season. *opens oven, sticks head in oven, opens The Bell Jar to read* Ugh, could someone check on the pilot light? You might be asking yourself why I had Scooter on my bench, while you coyly bat your eyelashes. I’ll explain, you coquettish bastard! He was hitless the entire previous week! WHAT THE EFF?! Any hoo! Scooter had a big game, and will now be invited to all the same parties as Mark Whiten, but Scooter is not much more than a hot schmotato. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Schebler – Remained sidelined. If you had told me two months ago I’d not only be updating everyone on the injury of Scott Schebler but it would also matter, I would’ve called you a liar and other angry words one might leave for someone who mis-parked.
Tim Adleman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.42. What if Adleman is the yin to my yang? If I hadn’t benched Scooter, maybe Adleman wouldn’t have pitched well. Scooter’s game has made me philosophical. That’s the word for depressed when you’re wearing a bed sheet for a toga, right?
Adam Wainwright – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA up to 4.82. Step on that cat, because me-ouch.
Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Looks like Piscotty is finally coming out of his early season struggles. If he was dropped in your league, I don’t know why you won’t pick him up. Grey doesn’t know!
Jacob Faria – Was called up to start today vs. the White Sox. Short story: I added him. Stephen King short story: was a bad year to draft Vince Velasquez and Danny Salazar in the same 15-team league. I wish there was a better pitcher behind my Rita Hayworth poster, but there’s not so I’m crawling through a mile of sewage and bad pitchers — hello, Eric Skoglund! — to get to freedom. David Sedaris short story: I call Faria ‘The Rooster.’ He’s my crazy brother, who is crazier than my crazy sister. O. Henry short story: I grabbed Faria to help with my team’s ratios, and he’s going to give me Ks and terrible ratios. Here’s a post from Prospect Ralph detailing his Jacob Faria fantasy, complete with GIF!
Jose Quintana – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Guys and five girls, this isn’t a good start. Four BBs in less than six innings is gonna lead to someone shooting their eye out.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .333. I legit thought Avisail was headed back to his usual disappointing self, so this coupled with the .370 average across the last week are good signs. Maybe he can finally put together that elusive full, solid season.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Now has four homers in the last eight games, which is a week if Ringo Starr is reading.
Jake Junis – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER as he was called up by the Royals. Junis Priest! *plays Smoke on the Water opening riff with mouth because I don’t actually know any Judas Priest songs or instruments* According to Prospector Ralph, Junis isn’t worth mentioning. According to Halp, Junis has a shot at mid-rotation upside. Pitting them against each other! Round 1 — Ralph! Junis looks like a 92-94 MPH fastball guy that has good command and could be a 7.5 K/9 guy. I’m more intrigued by Faria and would grab him first if I had my druthers or knew what druthers were.
Mike Moustakas – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .275. Moistasskiss!
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 4th homer in the last nine games. Spooky voice, “It’s the rise of the Zombino.”
Yulieski Gurriel – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .350 in the last week with two homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Mike Napoli – Hit the DL with lower back tightness. Funny, when I think about his mom I get lower front tightness.
Carlos Gomez – Nearing rehab games…And now he needs to make a u-turn and it’s rush hour.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. “You drafted Dee Gordon, Billy Hamilton and Peraza and the only power you took was Joey Gallo and Aaron Judge? Wow, did you screw up your draft!” said no one in June.
Nomar Mazara – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .289. You know who he reminds me of? Gertrude Stein? No! Let me answer. He reminds me of Piscotty. Solid average, 25-homer power and kinda bleh on speed.
Matt Bush – 1 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam! Real question: how is it everyone with even a passing knowledge of baseball knows you don’t bring your closer into a non-save game, but major league managers don’t know this?
Adrian Beltre – In a walking boot after jamming his ankle. Ankle jam is the worst kind of jam after apricot. Is that zest? Gross! Rangers haven’t put Beltre on the DL yet, but they’re likely saving something fun for later in the week.
Yoenis Cespedes – Ran indoors. He sounds like a faucet! Take it Highlights, it’s yours!
Jacob deGrom – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.75. DeGrom’s pitching in emoji form: open-mouthed emoji eating a poop emoji thinking it’s soft serve ice cream.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 and his 4th homer. Also, in this game, Neil Walker (1-for-4) hit his 8th homer and Juan Lagares (4-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 2nd. They were happy to see their old teammate, even if their exclamation of “Gee!” underplayed their true feelings.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. The excitement of you picking him up off waivers will injure him. Do you want that on your conscience?
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Not trying to find problems with Arrieta, but three walks and only five Ks in a home start against a team that is bottom third for away offense? Well, kinda Mehrrieta.
Justin Bour – Hit the DL and was spotted in a walking boot. So his ankle is either really injured, or he parks as bad as me. No idea how you’ll ever find a corner man to fill in for him. There’s only 45 corner infidels on waivers who are exactly the same as Bour.
James Paxton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Wake me when I’m supposed to be super impressed by Paxton. Don’t wait too long though, because he’ll likely be injured again soon.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .258. Yawnstipating’s not a great look, Seager. Step up yo’ game!
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.35 vs. Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Preview of Game 3 in the 1st round of the MLB NL playoffs after Dusty makes the puzzlingly choice to start Joe Ross and Gio Gonzalez in the first two games.
Aroldis Chapman – Expected back between June 16-18, and should go out on a rehab assignment in Trenton. As someone from Jersey, I can confidently say he won’t be the only one in Trenton that needs rehab.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Still not feeling right as he deals with a concussion. Hate to be that guy, but concussion injuries were so last year. This year is blisters. You’re kinda making yourself look silly, Ellsbury.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.55. Right now, he’s Apollo vs. Drago and Girardi is Rocky holding the towel.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe! He does occasionally kill the ball, though.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .273. Ben-extendi says, “Boing!”
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .253. The Buy Low Window will close eventually methinks, said Grey dressed as a leprechaun.
Devon Travis – Hit the DL with knee issues. Damn, this guy’s got worst knees than Vicki Lawrence in Mama’s Family.
Jesse Hahn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.40, as he was activated from the DL. Hahn’s a weird one, I like his stuff, but his peripherals are kinda mediocre garbage on the surface of the moon. Not a hot steaming pile, but the moon also doesn’t exist except in a soundstage in Burbank. I’d go with the Stream-o-Nator for him.
Cam Bedrosian – Wasn’t activated on Tuesday as originally agreed upon by Bedrosian and his fantasy owners. Can’t believe this, but Bud Norris might’ve Pipp’d Bedrosian anyway.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and sixteenth homer in the last two games and he’s the hottest schmotato in the land. Don’t grab him at your own peril. So, if you do grab him, you’re a nonpareil.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He is *the* banana in the ol’ tailpipe.
Ian Desmond – Didn’t start yesterday. And you people think Dahl will have a starting job if he returns? Yeah, you people! And it was rhetorical!
Gerardo Parra – Hit the DL with a strained quad. Not so fast, previous blurb! Parra will be out for up to a month! Dot dot dot. And Raimel Tapia was called up. Wow, the Rockies hate Desmond. I’d grab Tapia if you need steals, but I have to think Desmond plays.
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers. I cycle through a lot of players, but it’s never even crossed my mind to move on from Reynolds. For Reynolds on my team, it’s a wrap!
Antonio Senzatela – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.56. He seems like he’s taking the slow drive to a 4.00 ERA. Honestly, though, for the NL-Only league where I own him, he’s been more than respectable.
Edwin Encarnacion – Didn’t start yesterday in Coors. I get it, no DH, but I kinda think I’d find a way to get Edwin into the starting lineup. Ooh, speaking of starting lineup, I have to search my mom’s attic for my Carney Lansford Starting Lineup figurine. I mean, now that I have my own place, it’s important I have all my prized possessions with me.
Bradley Zimmer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .275. He’s been a bore to own, and, truthfully, I’m only holding because I know if I drop him, Prospector Ralph will grab him.
Aaron Nola – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.28. Has only one straight game where he’s looked respectable, so let’s not start diddling each other just yet, but I do love Nola and own him in multiple leagues.
Hector Neris – 1/3 IP and the Hold because Pete Macktheknife has a crazy quick hook. He has a hook like the Phils aren’t 15 games under .500. Talk about killing a guy’s confidence for no reason. Pat Neshek came on to get a two-out save, and I would absolutely grab Neshek in every league if you’re looking for saves, and who isn’t? Seriously, who? You’re a commie if you don’t want saves.
Jaime Garcia – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.21. I know it doesn’t make a ton of sense to say I love Nola, yet Garcia is someone to look at the Stream-o-Nator for when Garcia’s ERA is a run below Nola’s, but so it goes, so it goes.
Zach Britton – Threw from a flat mound. “It’s flat now!” That’s an unhappy queen ant.
Kevin Gausman – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.86. Fo’reallies, any pitcher with an ERA over 5.75 should be sent down or shutdown. Not joking. If your ERA is that bad, something’s wrong. Work through it in the minors. Then when you come back, you get two starts to get your ERA under 5.50, if it doesn’t happen, shutdown or sent down again. And I just fixed baseball! You’re welcome!
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers. This ain’t toothpaste, it’s Schoop! Okay, that needs some work.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. If I were a kid, I’d say my favorite player is Kh/Chris Davis and I’d have a jersey and cap that were split in half so it was O/A and I’d do interpretative dance.
Seth Smith – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Also, in this game, David Freese (2-for-5, 2 runs) homered, his 6th. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two players who sound like Batman villains, The Lisper’s Nightmare and Mr. Freese, homered in the same game. To further the comic book-style writing, Freese looks like he could be a hot schmotato.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.04, but left with knee tenderness. If Ivan Nova wants to go into Camden and have a Quality Start, that’s what Ivan Nova’s gonna do. Recognize! Or rather, recognIvan!
Tony Watson – 1 IP, 2 ER and yet another blown save, ERA up to 3.91. Felipe Rivero should be the closer, and might be by this time tomorrow. If he’s available in your league, he should be owned anyway.
Chase Anderson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.94. His last three starts: 21 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 22 Ks. I told you to grab him after his last start; today, I say, well, dur, same.
Madison Bumgarner – Nearing mound work. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t! Almond Joy’s got nuts! Mounds don’t! Unless you consider risking a Hall of Fame career to ride a dirt bike nuts.
Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-4, 1 run. This is the third time in the last week I’ve told you to pick up The Convent, and second time I’ve told you why I call him that: Edu-Nun, an educational institute for nuns, a convent. Frank Voila!
Chris Owings – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .296. He was oh for his last five games so it’s good to see him get out of the funk, like James Brown stepping out of a hot tub.
Yasmany Tomas – Hit the DL with groin tendinitis. Groin tendinitis? Is that when you use your penis like a tennis racket? A penis racket? Usually your hand or elbow get tendinitis first, but Tomas’ hands and arms are so jacked that they resist tendinitis. Unfortunately, his groin is also jacked which leads to tendinitis.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4 and his two homers (12, 13). I was thinking about this yesterday. With Commish Manfred sticking Capri Sun straws into baseball and juicing them up, if you don’t get at least four homers a night in a 12-team mixed league or shallower, you’re gonna fall behind in, like, three days.
Dinelson Lamet – 3 IP, 7 ER. Hey, Dinelson, you’re whack, son, and a whack off.