As we always do about this time! *beat drops, Grey does the worm, Grey’s iPhone alarm goes off, time to put more money in the meter* Damn, how long was I worming for? September 1st hits and teams expand their rosters to the Four-Oh. Now pour some extra bullpen guys out for all the dead moments between pitcher changes. So, what does this mean for all of us, fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!)? It means call-ups and rookie nookie is aplenty. Aplenty, I tell ya! By the by, for big boned people, rather than an X-Large t-shirt, they should call them aplen-Tees. Yeah, I just made the English language better. High-five yourself for even knowing to read me. *Grey worms, alarm goes off* Damn, I need to get more coins. At this point in the year, you need guys that are getting everyday playing time, so I’m pumped up the jam on Javier Baez (0-for-4) being called up — Javier Na Gila! — but if he’s not playing every day, he’s not helping me in redraft leagues. I’m intrigued by Brandon Drury (0-for-4), but I’m also hesitant if he doesn’t play every day. Hector Olivera (0-for-4) was called up, and I’ve already gave you my Hector Olivera fantasy and I do think he plays every day. It’s a most exciting time to be alive and be fantasy balling, but don’t lose sight of the real goal here. To get quality at-bats from guys that are playing, not to pick up a guy that will be great in 2016. (Unless you’re in a keeper league; then, by all means, knock yourself out! Not literally! Ouch.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Drury – 0-for-4 as mentioned in the lede, he was called up yesterday and started in the first game of the doubleheader. Drury is an adjective for yucky, I believe, but his power is the bomb dot gov. He looks pretty raw still, but you might get some homers. In the big picture, he reminds me of Kyle Seager. Well, obviously, that’s if you’re looking at a large picture or mural of Kyle Seager. The worst part of Drury, besides you sounding drunk when you say his last name, he could hurt Lamb’s playing time. That’s baaaaaaaahd.
Phil Gosselin – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Woohoo, I batty called Kate Plus Eight’s brother yesterday! How did I know? Am I psychic? No, doode, he’s in Coors. My life motto, like Drew Barrymore, is that I’m riding in Coors with boys.
Daniel Hudson – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save in the first game. As speculated here after having Ziegler do The Doo-Doo Man all over my stats for the last few days, Hudson could see more saves moving forward. The Diamondbacks always kinda wanted Ziegler out of the closer role anyway, so here’s their chance.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-10 and a steal in the first game of the doubleheader (21) and a home run in the 2nd (27) for the Ernie Banks slam & legs. Au Shizz!
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Playing all your home games in Chase Field, then going to Coors Field is like Wilmer Valderrama’s dating history.
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-5 and his 6th homer. Last year, it was all about the Kluber. This year, it’s about the DJ. Next year, it will be about bouncers up the middle.
Nolan Arenado – 5-for-8, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homers. Since I love the Torenado, does that make me a storm chaser?
Kyle Parker – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer as he hits .191. Kyle Parker is to Spiderman as Wilco’s unlistenable song, Spiders, is to all of their other songs. I missed my calling, I should’ve wrote SAT questions.
Rafael Soriano – Was activated from the DL and then designated for assignment. I feel bad for the Cubs’ front office clerk that needed to do all that paperwork for Soriano. He could’ve been removing staples in those stapled copies that weren’t supposed to be stapled!
Javier Baez – 0-for-4 and was recalled as mentioned in the lede. Yesterday, he started at 2nd base, and I’d imagine he gets a decent amount of at-bats, but, sadly, Maddon isn’t managing for your fantasy team and may rotate the entire team. The other day, I said, “This year, Baez has only K’d 25.2% of the time in Triple-A (vs. 30% in Triple-A last year), which likely means he’ll K about about 30% of the time in the majors this year and hit around .250. Hit-schmit! You want to grab him for his power (9 HRs in 52 games last year) and his speed (5 SBs in those same 52 games). If I were a betting man, I’d bet you’re sitting on the toilet while reading this. If I were a betting man on Baez, I’d say he’ll prove ownable in every mixed league and would grab him now.” And that’s me quoting me!
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. How does he have 13 homers? I feel like I’ve mentioned him homering like 25 times.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. *typing up a Craigslist posting* “Looking for owner of a DeLorean. I want to go back to June and drop Rendon for Suarez. I will pay for gas.”
Joey Votto – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .315. I don’t get happy for players often unless it’s Schadenfreude, but I’m glad Votto has bounced back this year. He lost his dad a few years ago, went into a downward spiral of injuries and looked lost, but now he’s back. Man, I have some daddy issues.
Scott Feldman – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER and left with a sore shoulder. You, Feldman, are no Goonie.
Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 11th homer. With Austin Jackson shipped off, The Big FraGu should see near-everyday playing time. Why do you care? Because he’s been off the charts hot for the last week (4 homers in the last week, hitting near-.375). Hot schmotato alert!
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and third homer in two games. Way to turn it on when your team is essentially eliminated. Next year, I suggest the Marlins sign him. He’ll fit right in.
Stephen Strasburg – Played catch on Tuesday. Too bad I don’t own him in a fantasy catch league. Or even fantasy fishing.
Hanley Ramirez – Won’t play outfield any more this season. Was that what he was playing? It had been so long, I forgot.
Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks. My whole world has been turned upside down. I feel like I’m Paris Hilton being told I was adopted and I’m really Paris Best Western. 13 Ks from Porcello? Okay, I have no idea, but it feels like an outlier. Through 129 2/3 IP, his K/9 is 7.6 and his BB/9 is 1.9. In other words, a solid 4th fantasy starter, but a 4th starter at this point is a matchups play, and I agree with the Stream-o-Nator and don’t love his next start.
Mark Teixeira – Will be on crutches for the next few days, which stinks because they’re harder to sign than a cast. Oh, it’s also not good because Te(i)x will likely be out for a few weeks. Yup, you can drop him.
Brett Gardner – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. This is like the summer of frequent commenter, Nick the Dick, but here’s a screenshot from Gardner’s homer. Nick’s the one in the Yankee pinstripes with his hands in his pockets. You’re grabbing for the wrong balls, Nick.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Sonavabench! Oh, well, I think benching him yesterday was the right move. He hadn’t looked right since he returned from the DL and was in Fenway. I’m fine with taking the training wheels off him for his next start. Honestly, it was a little odd to have a person wearing training wheels anyway. It was like he was training for Murderball.
Giancarlo Stanton – Didn’t feel at 100% in his rehab start and won’t be activated on Friday. Don’t worry, I will get within the court-ordered 500 feet and see if I can hear any updates.
Justin Bour – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his third homer in four games. There’s hot; there’s the surface of the sun; there’s Jessica Alba and then there’s Bour.
Justin Nicolino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Well, I used to think Nicolino was just a smoking cessation patch, but now I think I might need to look a bit deeper. *looks at Nicolino’s player page* Um, yeah, I wouldn’t go near him. FDA should ban Nicolino; he’s bad for your health.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .290. On our Player Rater, any ideas where Yoenis is ranked? He’s the 6th best outfielder on the year and the 8th player overall. Like Harrison Ford’s quarter Jewish heritage, not too shabby.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, and back-to-back multiple hits games with a homer on Monday. I’m concerned about going full schmotato on Conforto due to his playing time, but he seems to be on the strong side of the left field platoon.
Darin Ruf – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 7th homer. Who let the dogs out? Ruf, Ruf, Ruf!
Darnell Sweeney – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. I think yesterday might’ve been the first time a team scored 14 runs and everyone was a ticker tease because no one owns any of these guys.
Gerrit Cole – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.64. Ugh, I’m just going to crawl back into bed. No, no, I don’t want anything to eat. I’m not up for it. Put my dinner in the Vitamix then into my Starbucks thermos and maybe I’ll sip it later.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. I got sick of needing to bench him three times a week, so I dropped him, but Pe-Al looks to be headed for the least exciting 25-homer season ever. Okay, since Jose Hernandez.
Jung-ho Kang – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. I have a feeling Kang’s going to be largely ignored next year, and end up going fairly late while returning value like his teammate, Neil Walker, made a habit of for years. Something about those Pirate middle infidels that inspire so little.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Solid start, but I don’t trust any Brewer starter. It starts at Garza, then my lack of enthusiasm trickles down over my concrete boots like I’m standing in the Hudson River.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer and his 5th homer this week. Between this schmohawk and Bour, they’re the hottest schmotatoes around. Please, don’t make me come back here.
Joe Ross – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Watching a guy go over his innings limit is like watching Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart run into the ring to stop Bret Hart from being plummeted any further.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 3rd homer this week. Apparently, all I needed to say was Moss was garbage and that turned him on with reckless a-Brandon. Let me try this, Wong is garbage. Anything?
Yan Gomes – 2-for-4 and two homers (10, 11), and three homers in the last three games. Yeah, he hasn’t been great all year, but luckily your league doesn’t Benjamin Button stats back to April, and it only matters what he will do in the last month.
Cody Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Marco Estrada 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Mean’s while, my Gerrit Cole gets clobbered by the Brewers. Lucky I didn’t play the lottery yesterday, because I would’ve won then immediately got hit by lightning, which I believe was a Nicholas Cage movie.
Dalton Pompey – 0-for-0, 1 run and two steals. Was recalled yesterday, but I wouldn’t burn down a village to own Pompey in anything but AL-Only leagues. In daily pickup leagues, I could see streaming him for SAGNOF when he does get a start.
Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. If he goes 33/39 in September, he could get 50/50. Cust kayin’.
Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and hitting near-.300 in the last week with one homer. Hmm, when I started that sentence I thought I was going to end way more excited. Kinda like when your wife says she wants to show you something, then she shows you her clogged toilet. Ah, marriage, you are a storybook.
Matt Moore – Was recalled after a stellar sojourn through Triple-A. Sojourn is also my favorite name to call any Swedish man I ever meet. Then Sojourno if I meet an Italian. And So Taguchi if Japanese. Moore could have some streaming value, but just because he pitched well in Triple-A it doesn’t mean he’s safe in the majors.
Drew Smyly – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Okay, so it appears like he’s now healthy. Hayzeus Cristo, did he have to go from not being able to get through five innings to this? Could we have had a moderately decent start first? Stop your smiling and answer!
Brandon Guyer – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI. This Guyer over here!
J.P. Arencibia – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’s Just Peachy!
Tim Lincecum – Could need season-ending hip surgery. His current rehab — a pot brownie and watching Cartoon Network — just isn’t showing results.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Zack Greinke 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.59. The West Coast media said this game wrapped up the Cy Young for Greinke. The West Coast media led with a ten minute segment about how Bumgarner takes an electric car to the stadium and Greinke does a wheatgrass shot before each game.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 24th homer, hitting .213. He has a long way to get back in everyone’s good graces, but since the top of the Dodgers’ order is Rollins, Peraza and Turner, let’s not say Pederson has an insurmountable hill to climb.
Matt Shoemaker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now has two solid starts back-to-back and he gets the Dodgers next at home. The Stream-o-Nator is bearish on The Cobbler, and he faces Kershaw, so the start will come with a big dose of “Let’s hope for a Quality Start, no decision.”
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer as he led off, which gives him over 100 ABs for three different lineup spots. Without anyone saying it, it’s fairly obvious that Calhoun gives The Sciosciapath fits on where to place him in the lineup. Like McClendon trying to tie his shoelaces.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, and his 4th homer in his last eleven games. In that time, he’s raised his average from .263 to .269. Lawrie, The Player Most Likely To Give You A Neutral Face Emoji.
Jose Berrios – Molitor said Berrios could be called up still, even though he wasn’t called up in the initial roster expansion recalls. This is the one time we want a recall, and Molitor’s playing diddlysquat with our future! I still like Berrios, but I wouldn’t hold him in redraft leagues on the mere chance he’s called up if I needed the room.
Glen Perkins – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. I guess his neck…back…leg…torso…oblique..whatever the last injury was that he had is all good now. It’s time for the Perkins-lator!
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week with three homers. And no one is actually picking him up, so let’s move on.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Who are you drafting first, Avisail or an empty bench spot to stream middle relievers?
Adam Eaton – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs. He was recently dropped in my RCL league, and I kinda understand it. Yesterday, is a good example. Four hits, no power, no steals, no runs, two measly RBIs.
Justin Verlander – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Maybe I’m huffing glue, but Verlander’s pitching looked a lot better than his end line yesterday, and it was a tough matchup.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Next year: Kinsler or Cano? Is it close? I don’t think it is.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. “So, you’re saying these teams don’t let their pitchers hit? I want to kick someone in the head.” That’s Cueto dealing with the league change.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer and his 91st RBI. Since we stopped reading the USA Today in 1997 while inflating our self-worth with their crossword puzzle and checking baseball stats, we have no idea where guys rank overall in categories, but Morales is pretty damn high in RBIs. Nope, higher. Currently, has the 6th best RBI total in the major leagues.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I just found out I’m one-eighteenth Cherokee, so ESPN can’t fire me, which means I don’t have to do anything.” Since Kevin’s checked out, I’ll say Gordon is in a good place to produce counting stats, but he’s not going to suddenly find booming power or SAGNOF.
Mike Moustakas – 0-for-1, but didn’t start with a sore hamstring. It’s a day-to-day thing like taking Miralax to poop.
Alex Rios – Out for a few weeks with chicken pox. He caught them from Dyson.