Say It Ain’t So, Cano

Ya know, if you’re gonna get busted for PEDs and be suspended for 80 games, the way to do it is right after fracturing your hand.  It’s like coming down with mono the week of your prom when you have no date.  “Damn, am I gonna miss that?  That is too bad, but I am so drowsy I feel like I have two Forest Whitaker eyes.”  That’s you getting prom-o-mono.  I am more surprised to hear Robinson Cano was busted for PEDs, than I am to learn he had no idea he was taking the illegal substance.  Baseball is currently batting a thousand for denials of PEDs suspensions. MLB players’ denials of taking the illicit substance should get into the Hall of Fame on its first ballot.  Speaking of Hall of Fame, I kinda thought Robinson Cano was headed there.  This will obviously shade Frowny The Cloud over his entire career, which I do think is a shame.  What’s also a shame, you need to drop him in all leagues.  He’s more or less done for the year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryon Healy – Hit his 8th homer, and 117th homer this month.  He is literally the hottest guy since the guy on the cover of Wish You Were Here.

Jean Segura – Stole 4 bags (8, 9, 10, 11).  Four steals in one game is more steals than the entire Astros team has.  Kidding, but not by much.  The A’s seriously do only have 7 steals on the year.

Adrian Beltre – Will miss 2-3 weeks after hitting the DL with a hammy.  Sounds like a marriage made in pig heaven.

Joey Gallo – Hit his 13th homer.  I wonder which side of the field he homered to.  I still don’t know why baseball doesn’t take a page from soccer with the shift.  Just line all of the fielders three feet from home plate, as they cover their groins.

Jorge Soler – Out with a displaced rib.  Ned Yost told reporters that it’s not serious — “sort of a chiropractor issue.”  Hey!  “Not serious it’s a chiropractor issue” is highly offensive!  My mom’s a chiropractor!  And Jon Cryer played one!  And he’s a very serious actor!

C.J. Cron – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .284.  Everyone will be happy to know in my NFBC league, where I really need homers, I’ve finally moved Cron into my lineup and stopped the sonavabenchings.  Okay, I’m happy, and you should be too.  What, you have no empathy?

Clint Frazier – Was called up.  He will likely play a young Carrot Top in his HBO bio movie, and bench depth.  Looking forward to the former more, but if you want the flyer, I won’t stand in your way.

Francisco Cervelli – Left after getting hit on the forearm.  Is it sadder that I’m worried for him or because I’m worried for him because I own him?

Starling Marte – Left the game with what is being deemed as very oblique.  So vague!

Trevor Williams – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.72.  You know what Williams loves?  A favorable matchup.  In unfavorable matchups, Trevor gets sent back to the grocery for a different type of breakfast food because what he bought sucks.  In good matchups, he brings home the bacon.

Adam Frazier – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  As someone who owns Frazier can attest, his hot weeks look exactly like his cold weeks.  So yawnstipating.

Reynaldo Lopez – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.50.  The Regression Fairies see a rainbow and say, “That would make a beautiful flag,” they remember Alison Sweeney from soap operas, and they will destroy your ratios.

Rajai Davis – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th steal, hitting .232.  I know, it’s kinda crazy talk, but I’d love to see Rajai, The King of SAGNOF, hit leadoff as he did yesterday, and Lindor hit third, with Jo-Ram between them.  Can we make that happen?

JaCoby Jones – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .254.  Filling in admirably for Moises Alou.  Oops, sorry, thought I was talking about Jacques Jones.  A decade just became one memory in my brain.  Jones is filling in for Leonys, and doing quite well.  So well, I used the word quite which is like my moist.

Nicholas Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .324.  Four homers?  Beginning to think Castellanos is like the hardest hitting feather.  Hey, Greek God of Hard Contact, hit the ball hard AND out of the park more!

Ronald Acuna – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer.  Acuña goes tilde break of dawn!

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (18).  Not sure how many of you realize but Ender’s not just having a great season, on our Player Rater, he’s a top ten outfielder and top 20 overall!  Ender or Bryce?  It’s much closer than you think.

Arodys Vizcaino – 1 IP, 2 ER and has given up runs in his last two appearances, and Braves manager, Brian Snitker (real name!) said he could use A.J. Minter or Dan Winkler to save games.  Hey, I’m just telling you.  Don’t shoot the Randy Messenger.

Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 1 ER, as he was activated from the DL, and left early with leg cramping.  Sounds like it shouldn’t be a major issue, then again, he was just DL’d for the flu.  How about someone give Darvish some fluids and Vitamin C?  Can we do that?

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .297.  Next time I see someone with a cast on their hand, I’m going to tell them to dip it into the curative powers of the Suarez Canal.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Does he ever not hit five homers in five games then not hit another homer for six weeks?

Brandon Crawford – 4-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .290, three multi-hit games in a row and hitting over-.400 in the last week.  He also might be Irish.  Because he’s doublin’ like crazy.

A.J. Pollock – Out for eight weeks with a fractured thumb.  Before you start mitching and boaning, is there any chance Goldy has anywhere near the stats in eight weeks that Pollock put up already?  Little consolation?  I was trying to be positive! (While being negative.)

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46.  This start came against his old team, the Brewers.  A team he did not find much success with.  That must haunt him.  Actually, I think everything haunts Greinke.  He accidentally took a Starbucks latte made out to a “Zach” and it still haunts him it was meant for someone else.

Stephen Vogt – Out for the season after having shoulder surgery.  Vogt’s done, democracy’s dead.  It’s a wrap, polling stations!  Let’s go, stop bothering those seniors, they can have bridge games again on an early Tuesday in November.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.63.  Well, sure, he got to face Paul Goldschmidt multiple times!

Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-2, 4 runs, and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games.  He might be a sunken treasure and not just sunken eyes.

Juan Lagares – 4-for-5, 2 runs,  3 RBIs and his 3rd steal, hitting .357.  I’ve said for so long the Mets just need to get production from their center fielder.  However, I was talking about Conforto.

Yasiel Puig – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd this week.  Okay, he paid his penance, can we please move him out of the eight hole now?

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, and his 6th homer, hitting .269.  His home run wasn’t enough as the Dodgers fell to the 2nd worst team after them, the Marlins.  They also have in common that Don Mattingly made each team markedly worse.

Jack Flaherty – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.87, as he was recalled from the minors.  I’d grab him in all leagues, been saying that for a while, will keep saying it.

Carlos Martinez – Will miss more than one turn in the rotation, because, well, he’s kind of a POS.  Sorry, you want real, or you want sugarcoated?

Jose Berrios – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.05.  You ever do this?  You watch a game for one guy (Flaherty) and you end up falling in love with the opposing pitcher.  Not sure if it was Taye Diggs or what, but Berrios got his groove back.

Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.75.  Haha, spin rate this, you motherfudger!

Jaime Barria – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.13.  As I said yesterday, there is just something about Angels pitchers in Anaheim.  Hey, we have rice-ja-bronis, Hodgepadres, Marginers and MediOAKers.  We should have an Angels pitcher at home name.  Please suggest in the comments.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (3), hitting .270.  The dyslexic in me wants to wish everyone a Hosmer Shabbos, and remind you not to roll.

Christian Villanueva – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .238.  And yet another homer off a lefty.  It’s getting to the point where I don’t think he’s startable vs. righties, and, sadly, there’s more righties.  Check scissors sales if you don’t believe me.

Travis Jankowski – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 4th steal, hitting .370.  You’re so worried about Franmil, you didn’t see Travos, in the service of Stannis Baratheon, is a hot schmotato.

Jordan Lyles – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.53.  More like Jordamn!  Jordan is Hussein in the membrane!  When Hussein, got no brain!  Bombs over Baghdamn!  Why am I now in the Middle East?  Oh, yeah, Jordan.  Mecca leka hi Mecca hiney holy cow, Lyles is throwing 93 MPH on average!  That’s pretty good (for him).  I think this was a favorable matchup, and the Stream-o-Nator liked it.  So, before we desert other starters, let’s see if Jordan’s the Amman.

Joey Lucchesi – Hit the DL with a left hip strain and a “We need to limit his innings, so we’re just gonna sideline him for a few.”  Similarly to how Altuve appeared normal height in a Home Depot, I think the latter had more to do with it.

Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .266.  Worried the hottest Benintendi ever gets is, like, a two-homer week, so I don’t know if he’s ever going to get back on his preseason projections after starting so slow.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.68.  He’s about as predictable as fish at a buffet.  “Hey, what could go wrong with halibut?”  *three minutes later* “My ID says I’m a donor, but I changed my mind!”

Daniel Mengden – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (0 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.75.  Now has only allowed five walks in 50 1/3 IP.  He’s pitching Cliff Leely (stutterer!).

Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  This home run was in his first at-bat back after dealing with his mom’s passing from ALS.  Baseball, man, it’s like that love letter you find in your childhood room from your 8th grade crush that makes you look her up on Facebook and see she looks stunning, which makes you go on a diet and hit the gym and then, three months later, you call her up, and yell drunk into the phone, “I love you!”