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Those pitching last night: Clayton Kershaw vs. Zack Greinke. Two surefire Hall of Famers, one who will give the shortest Hall of Fame speech on record. Also, pitching last night: future first ballot Hall of Famers, Jacob deGrom and Max Scherzer. Two more must watch: Cy Young candidates, Corbin Burnes and Joe Musgrove, toeing the rubber to go against each other. All in one night. That’s what we had yesterday. And the best pitching performance was the 41-year-old, 88 MPH hurler, Rich Hill aka Dick Mountain aka Dick n’ Blisters. That’s why baseball is incredible! Predict that shizz! Yesterday, Rich Hill went 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.63. His perfs (the kids call them that — the kids younger than Hill) 10 K/9, 3 BB/9, and almost exactly pitching to his ERA, as his luck has been virtually neutral. Will it continue? Well, since he saved his arm by taking all of his 30s off for blisters, maybe? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adalberto Mondesi – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. *looks out the window* The leaves aren’t turning colors, so I will take what I can get. *sees lineup* Mondesi hit 7th?! Is this a joke, Matheny? Even Kelvin Gutierrez hit above him. Only time Kelvin’s been hot is when he was confused with the Kelvin Scale. This is such BS. Putting Mondesi in at the 7-hole like they have to ease him into action, like he’s not a major league hitter. How do you take your number three hitter from previous years and drop him into the 7-hole? Because you now have Benintendi? Because that is a supreme joke, and I don’t mean it comes with sour cream.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .256. Up near the top 5 for 1st basemen on the Player Rater, and people with him don’t even know how valuable he’s been.
Kyle Zimmer – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.65, and his 2nd save. Not getting a clear picture of this closer shituation at all. Is Josh Staumont around and/or healthy? Who’s Closera Major, who’s Closera Minor, who’s John-Paul, who’s Ringo? As you can see, we didn’t really settle on a term from the other day. I wasn’t blown away, like how every closer is blown away.
Zach Plesac – Hit the IL with a fractured thumb. Hope you listened to Anime Grey in the video at the top of the page prior to this news. Oh, and Plesac hurt himself by aggressively ripping off his shirt.
“What’s up, cats and dogs? Guess by now you’ve heard about my little mishap. I was doing a Hulkamaniac running wild and someone Sgt. Slaughter’d a chair out of nowhere. No fear, fellas and fell-for-hers! I’ll be back before you can drink three White Claws! Plesac out.” https://t.co/KPRo0ClMYA pic.twitter.com/zTzkZULGDF
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 25, 2021
Aaron Civale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Solid start from Civale against a weak team, now he just has to turn around and throw again on Friday because Cleveland’s down to three starters.
Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd in four games. Get a piece-a, piece-a of lil’ Cesar while he’s hot.
Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.23. He’s up to (down to?) seven losses. A tidy little 21-loss pace. Streamonator hates his next start too, and you have to be a screwball to go with Skubal.
Bryce Harper – Hit the IL with a forearm contusion. Sounds like nothing, but the news happened on Tuesday, so I was stuck with him in my weekly lineups! Hayzeus effin’ Aguilar! Gee-dee-am it! Farkin iceholes! So, this news sounds pretty basic, but he’s been struggling for weeks with his shoulder, and I’m pretty much worried this is Harper bye-bye for a month.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .262. It’s beyond ludicrous that Hoskins is hitting .262 and Bohm (0-for-2) is hitting .212 if you’ve ever watched Hoskins. He takes ugly wild swings for three at-bats, then gets into one, like all the time.
Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Okay, way past time that I looked deeper into this schmohawk. Battenberg down your cakes, we’re going deep! *reads VV’s stats* He has a 5.4 BB/9?! He’s actually pitching worse than when he had his 5.56 ERA last year?! Oh, c’mon. Can’t believe I wasted Google search checking on this guy. Eff off, Vince Velasquez.
Sandy Alcantara – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.46. Tough luck loser, which is also the most common thing they say to me in Vegas.
DJ LeMahieu – Went to the paternity list. Weird, usually DJ’s just on the guest list.
Corey Kluber – Exited his start early, due to being spooked by Johnny Vander Meer’s family waving a skeleton hand at him. Wait, that’s not right. Kluber hurt his shoulder. Damn, I liked the Vander Meer story better.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. The only way to stop him is to hide a box of Ding Dongs in his locker.
Steven Matz – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.28 as he returned to New York, and pitched 45 minutes away from his home in Long Island, where his family grows ducks and very attractive accents. Matz is the first Blue Jays starter in history to threw 10 Ks and zero walks in Yankee Stadium. That’s for the ducks and the accents.
Lourdes Gurriel – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games. “You wanna go hear some accents and ducks?” That’s Matz to Lourdes, as he bashfully invited him back to his house.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .276, and 2nd homer in three games. You know the drill.
Vladimir Gutierrez – Being called up by the Reds to start on Friday. His name sounds like my aunt guessing at the Blue Jays star’s name. Last June, Gutierrez tested positive for Stanozolol, which sounds like an illegal drug and also what happens when MLB catches you. Prospect Itch said, “He’s got the strikeout-hungry combination that’s all the rage these days, pairing high-velocity four-seam heat with a blood-thirsty curve. Speaking of blood thirsty, anyone know Grey’s address?” Should I be worried? Gutierrez seems like an NL-Only guy at this point.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .150, as he hit leadoff. Ding Dong Bell shouldn’t be a MLB manager; he should be in a mental asylum.
Tyler Mahle – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Best bounce back for a T. Mahle since I Kareem’d my entire tray into the garbage at Chipotle.
Amir Garrett – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 7.24, as he started the 9th inning. Ding Dong wanted Mrs. Muslim Garrett to get the save, but Lucas Sims (1/3 IP, 2nd save) doesn’t suck quite as much.
Josh Bell – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .215, but has raised it a hundred points in May. Wonder if David Bell is so dumb he thinks Josh Bell is one of his sons.
Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.05, as he worked the 7th, and Taylor Rogers (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.21) got his 3rd save. A few thoughts: A) Baldelli’s Joe Torre’ing all of their arms. B) There is no closer here, just a group of relievers. C) There’s no C.
DJ Stewart – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Clayton Kershaw – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.94 vs. Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.97. This matchup was billed as, “Last year won all the marbles vs. talks with marbles.”
Justin Turner – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .271. When he was hitting .330 with six homers after April, I told you to sell him. Did you listen? This Justin, ya didn’t. Don’t lie.
Nico Hoerner – Strained his hamstring on a bunt single. If he were batting leadoff, he never would’ve been up to bat!
Joc Pederson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (3, 4), hitting .267. Yeah, leadoff is where you want a guy who hits homers. Bring back Nico! Any’sway, two homers goes a long way to being a hot schmotato for Joc.
Cody Ponce – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, in his first start of the year for the Pirates. This is the guy they chose to keep. Oh…*counts to self up to a billion, then*…kay.
Harrison Bader – Hit the IL, fracturing his rib. So much for his newfound equilibrium.
Jack Flaherty – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER but 4 more unearned, ERA at 2.84. Ticker shock! I told you regression was coming for him. You’re damn lucky it came in the way of unearned runs.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .256. Was gonna say I’d love to see him raise his average, but this year his average is Wade Boggs-esque with a fried chicken drumstick. The league average is .237. In 2009, it was .262.
Marcell Ozuna – Dislocated his ring and middle fingers and is headed to Hot ‘Lanta for tests. In a normal year, this might be the lede story, but another injury? Yawn.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.98, as this start was in Fenway. Sonavabench! Mommy, make the pain stop hurting.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Pfft! Enjoy the exhaust sitting behind Vladdy, the Mini Impala!
Jared Walsh – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .321. How about that Jared Walsh sleeper post by me?! *insane madman cackle*
Justin Upton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He will homer again today, or my name isn’t Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).
Kyle Gibson – Hit the IL just in time to miss his start vs. the Mariners. Whew! Smart!
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .290. He actually has one more homer too, because his 1st home run was called back, which I know because I was watching it, and why I told everyone to pick him up immediately.
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.53. Still slightly crazy to me I wrote a sleeper post on Gausman, ranked him crazy high, drafted him even higher to make sure I could get him, and he was still being drafted at a discount.
Logan Gilbert – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 7.59. In case you missed the memo, I’ve moved on — the memoved? — let’s go, Alek Manoah!
Cole Irvin – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.92. Against the Mariners?! At home?! With a deadened ball?! Did gravity give out halfway through the game?
Drew Pomeranz – Experienced tightness in his lat and will be shutdown for a week. How about we just figure out which team has the most healthy players and make them this year’s World Series champs?
Joe Musgrove – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.26. I’m sorry, if I were Musgrove, I’d be like, “Yo, Tingler, is that a sex toy? Also, don’t pull me with one out to go for the win.”
Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.33. Not to be a hater, but how about another run’s worth of regression?
Kyle Freeland – 4 IP, 1 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Meh, he’s at best a Streamonator pickup and at worse I’m wasting keystrokes talking about him.
Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. When your Rockies hitters are all doing better on the road, it might be time to tamp down the humidor.
Taijuan Walker – Rumored that he will return without making a rehab start. What could possibly go wrong?
J.D. Davis – Been on the IL all month, and just had an MRI yesterday. Don’t ask, you don’t want you know.
Noah Syndergaard – Left his rehab start early with a sore elbow. Um, that’s not good. Actually, I take back what I said for Taijuan. No one rehab on the Mets. It’s too dangerous. Syndergaard’s headed for an MRI, but the Mets aren’t overly concerned. If the Mets aren’t overly concerned about someone’s MRI, pray for that player.
Tomas Nido – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. The Mets are playing James McCann (0-for-3, hitting .196) at first base to get Nido’s bat in the lineup, and that actually makes sense with the Mess.
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.80, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I was seeing if I could make extra lunch, and well, the photocopier is jammed with chicken salad.”
Johneshwy Fargas – Hit the IL. Soon, it’s going to be just James McCann playing every position for the Mets.
