Red Sox Visit Cavalli Of Lost Souls

Before yesterday’s start, I saw someone named Anthony Seigler hitting leadoff for the Red Sox, and I thought to myself, “Self, you green-eyed, handsome devil! Get him off your bench, you have to start Cade Cavalli. The Red Sox are not scary in Fenway with Seigler or whoever else they have.” Then I thought about how Seigler sounded like a character from The Producers. Thankfully, I started Cade, because that would’ve been a sonavabench that I might not have come back from that quickly. I might’ve needed a Solace Journey in Sedona or some shizz at a retreat, and I didn’t want that! Cade Cavalli went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 ER, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Damn it, I love butter and that ain’t margarine. The glory that is 13 Ks in 100 pitches? I love it! He’s sitting on 10.2 K/9, 2.9 BB/9 and a 3.58 xFIP with newfound confidence in his slider (or sweeper, depending on where you’re looking for your stats). He abandoned it last year; brought it back this year and has a .162 BAA with it. Daddy goes vroom into a Love Buggy like Reese McGuire, if he were turned on by excellent pitches. Cavalli looks like a top 25 starter who is knocking. Open the door, please! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

CJ Abrams – 1-for-5 and his 18th homer, hitting .273. Curtis Jackson Abrams ain’t getting fiddy, but he might get to thiddy.

Willson Contreras – Was tossed from the game after charging the mound. It looked like Cade told Contreras to “Sit down, boy.” Contreras took offense, as one does when being called boy. Unless you’re on Only Fans and paying to be called boy. Then that’s charging a different mound. I believe the Cancel Police are circling my house in helicopters. If you don’t hear from me again, it was fun!

Connelly Early – Left with elbow discomfort. Zoinks. And that’s not a good zoinks. That’s a bad zoinks.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Scratched due to back tightness. Vlad Jr. feels like what I thought Taylor Ward was going to say about this year. We’re going to get to October and Vlad Jr. is going to say, “I wasn’t healthy all year.” His back is usually a shelf, but it should be putting him on the shelf.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.19. This start was vs. the Mets. Putting this start into my “Not Mets Calculator” and it’s a 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER start. Shudders.

Christopher Morel – Signed with the Mets. Oh, yeah, that’ll fix them. You’re in luck, Mets, you’re fixed! Take a victory lap! You can’t lose now!

Nolan McLean – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.78. You don’t think this bounce back start by McLean was triggered by the Morel signing? You’re crazy! I have an LLM that makes virtual bridges in Kansas to sell you!

Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-4, and his 9th homer. That’s only in 180 ABs. That’s impressive, right? It sounded it in my head.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Long shot to return prior to the break. Acuña, a rich man’s Byron Buxton. Snapped! Not as in I got him, but as in I’m applying to be on the TV show, Snapped, because I’ve lost it after drafting Acuña.

Martin Perez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.27. Is there a German word for wanting to see regression from a pitcher you don’t have?

Nathan Church – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Also, in this game, Nelson Velazquez (2-for-2) hit his 3rd homer. Both guys had like one combined hit over the last week. That’s Church and yuck to state the obvious.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 4th and 5th homer. Reports are coming out about the ball being juiced. MLB is saying it’s not, which means it is. Some are speculating it might be as crazy as 2019. I like how the whole league kept it a secret from Tatis until yesterday.

Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .189. So, the wind was blowing out in Wrigley, huh? Well, whatever!

Dansby Swanson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, hitting .203. First 70 games, seven homers. Last 12 games, six homers. Really puts in perspective Tatis’s season. Actually, Spencer Horwitz out-homering him really put that into perspective.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .243. Is it me (it’s not me) or are the Cubs the most hot or cold and no in-between team?

Michael Busch – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .233. I’m going to pick him up and will likely cool him off. Here goes nothing, said Grey “William H. Macy as The Cooler” Albright!

Matthew Boyd – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.08. So, the wind was blowing out but he pitched well? Or, right, it was the Padres. Boyd’s one of the biggest buy lows, for what it’s Wuertz, and it should be Wuertz something otherwise why are you reading this?

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .284. PCA stands for Phone Charlie’s Angels. Wait, that’s wrong. Ended the month with 11 homers and hitting around .380. Not a bad month!

Junior Caminero – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .294. Juco Loco had the best week of the season on the 7-day Player Rater. (I think.)

Ryan Vilade – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!

Carter Jensen – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. He now has a 20-game hitting streak. During this streak, he’s hitting .359 with five homers and four Razzball mentions!

Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .294. Thank you for being healthy enough to give more Joys de Witt with your ropers.

Griffin Jax – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45. It’s time to stop looking at Streamonator for Jax and time to start starting him everywhere.

Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 26th homer, and 7th career grand slam, tying an Astros’ franchise record. Previously held by me, Dickie Thon. Kidding. I don’t know who he tied. Jason Lane? Derek Bell? What is this, name the random Astros player?

Mike Burrows – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.58. Monocle still affixed, which is more than I can say for Burrows.

Joe Ryan – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.61. Joe lies! Joe Ryan’s lyin’ with his good pitches that are flat because of the bouncy ball!

Brandon Sproat – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.28. I have a monocle glued to my eye for this guy, and, if your league is aggressive, I’d grab him now, but Sproat’s far from out of the woods. In fact, Sproat sounds like he’s in woods.

Jake Bauers – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .272. People seem to really want to drop him. He’s around a top 12 1st baseman above Freddie Freeman.

Jackson Chourio – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Ja-Chou, God bless you!

Sal Stewart – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Sal Stewart or Bauers? Okay, Sal, and it’s not close. Sal’s around top five for 1st basemen.

Liam Hicks – 2-for-6, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Susan in HR said, ‘Have some candy,’ and is now mad I took that to mean her entire candy bowl. Is that not some?”

Javier Sanoja – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and hitting around .400 in the last week, and played yesterday in Coors to give Otto Lopez a rest for what freakin’ reason?! I need Otto and you bench him when they’re in Coors?! Why?! Marlins scored 14 runs and Otto didn’t play?! Holy sit!

Owen Caissie – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, five homers and ~.250 in June, which isn’t bad. [Mr. Prorater crashes through my wall] “That’s a 30-homer season-long pace!” Use a door! “Sorry.”

Eury Perez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.21. Rather than impressed by it, I think it’s not a great start for command, and there was no way you could start him in Coors.

Justin Wrobleski – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Putting it in perspective: Dodgers moved Ohtani to Friday, because they didn’t want him to have to pitch in Bing Bong. Wrobleski just did it with a 6.2 K/9, and made it look easy. Imagine you had him and EdRod instead of Framber and Sheehan. Sorry, not for you to imagine, I’m telling my own stupid ass to imagine it.

Colby Thomas – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Apparently, he was the pickup when Soderstrom went down not Carlos Cortes, who I’m sitting here with who stopped playing.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-2 and his 15th homer, which was his 250th career homer. Devers will get 250 more homers if he hires Melky Cabrera as his website designer, and he makes a SquareSpace website congratulating him on 500 homers.

Landen Roupp – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.55. Landen Ro-downn. Is that something?

Luis Arraez – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .331. Arraez and shine!

Ketel Marte – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and five homers in the last week. Call the escape room because someone’s locked in!

Brandon Pfaadt – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.40, as he was recalled from Reno. No, do not pick him up. Pfaadt is The Biggest Loser and only in the problematic way.

Bryan Woo – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.17. This was about as easy as matchups get. He was at home facing the Angels, i.e., Neto plus eight.

Jose Soriano – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Picked him up off waivers in my RCL because: I have nothing to lose in that league. Worked out okay, will see where this goes. Stay tuned, or not! Your choice.

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.48. After the 1st inning homer to Manzardo, I began a strongly worded letter to Whom It May Concern and Voters of the MLB Hall of Fame, making up a story about how deGrom diddled my dog, Ted, but then deGrom settled in and I crumpled up the note, tossed it into a waste paper basket that I won’t empty, in case I need to uncrumple that letter for next time.

Corey Seager – Left the game with back discomfort. Crazy, never thought I’d see the day. Hmm, where’s the sarcasm font on this thing?

Joc Pederson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games, fourth homer in five games, fifth homer in six games and sixth homer in June! Okay, last one, less impressive, but there’s few guys hotter right now.

Josh Jung – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. Nearly picked him up in one league, but Eugenio Suarez returned to action, so, boy, am I glad Eugenio’s back!

Tanner Bibee – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.69. DeGrom’s line was better, and he was way more impressive to watch, but Bibee — and a bunch of the Guards’ hitters and pitchers — seem to get by without being impressive. Streamonator loves Bibee’s next one, and I can’t say I’m enthused.

Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Sanchez’s last starts vs. the Pirates: Straight nails. Like Lenny Dykstra on the Razzball Patreon podcast. It’s true, he appeared on the pod, lying in bed, doing God knows what.

Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .237, and 2nd homer in two games. Second mention same as the first. Treat Urner is a Sell, I am! Treat Urner is a Sell!

Bubba Chandler – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.62. You really have to take a cold hard look at a pitcher on your team if he has a 4.50+ ERA more than a half season in.

Junior Perez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Junior Perez is in the Llamas mold who could go 30/30/.170. Or better: 30/30/[covers mouth so you can’t hear it].

Colson Montgomery – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .221. He’s going to get to 40 homers, and still be underrated next year. The Adam Dunn at Shortstop Story by Colson Montgomery.

Cam Schlittler – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.08. A’la George Michael singing Elton John, “Don’t let the regression go down on my starters…” Too late, George! Also, RIP. Can you tell I’m reading a George Michael biography? Second mention in two days. Don’t worry, I’ll be done by Freedom (day) ’26.

Ben Rice – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Rice-a-HRoni!

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Yankees are the biggest pushover on hitting right now or nah? I’m going yah. Are you going nah? Nah or yah?! Nah or yay?! Nahct or yacht?! Yacht! Nahct’s nahct a freakin’ word!

Riley Greene – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. Also, in this game, James Outman (1-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer; Kerry Carpenter (1-for-5) hit his 13th homer and Spencer Torkelson (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 14th homer. I feel like I’ve done exactly this roundup already. I think Colt Keith ended up being the star of that game. Holy crap! I did! June 11th! Title: Twins Lets Zebbybody On The Tigers Hit A Homer, and Riley Greene was the main focus. Tigers can’t do this again. I’m only allowed, by strict fantasy baseball blogger by-laws, to focus on a guy of Greene’s ability once a month. At most!