Yesterday, Masahiro Tanaka went 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. I took some guff in the preseason for being down on Tanaka, in the non-sexual way. I projected him for the line of 10-4/3.49/1.15/150. His line right now is 11-6/3.57/1.01/125. Yeah, I was waaaaaaaaay off. Multiple A’s to allow time for an eye roll. Kids write me letters and say, “Unkie Grey, how did you know what Tanucky (sic) would do so mediocrely?” My answer is always the same, I’m a witch. Then I continue, “No, that’s just a broom. Male witches ride around on Vespas.” Tanaka was an easy person for me to avoid this year due to his elbow tendon. For 2016, sadly, I don’t see my enthusiasm changing. Or at any point for him until he has surgery, rehabs for 12-16 months and then returns. I wish he would, because I would like to get excited about him, but it’s just not gonna happen, said like Dana Carvey impersonating George H. W. Bush. Now, excuse me, I double-parked my Vespa on Sandoval’s foot. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brett Gardner – Out with a jammed shoulder. I prefer jammed strawberries, but to each’s own.
Mark Teixeira – His returning this season is in doubt. Don’t remember that, but I fell asleep halfway through Doubt; the priest was a pedophile, Streep’s doing her acting thing and yadda yadda.
Nate Eovaldi – Unlikely to return in the regular season due to elbow inflammation. He said, “My elbow feels like an airplane seat right after Sabathia stands up.”
Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer. 25 more clean homers to reach Barry Bonds career mark of 55.
Adam Jones – Sat out yesterday due to shoulder, wrist and vajayjay soreness. Ever since people started calling a woman’s sexy parts a vajayjay, do you know who I feel really sad for? The guy who works at my local 7-11 whose name is Vajayjay.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3 and his 41st homer. In the 2nd half rankings, I said Davis was the kind of guy — ooh, wee, ooh, oooooh, ooh — that could hit 20 homers in the 2nd half. I was wrong. He’s up to 21 homers since the break.
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Would love, love, lurve to see Gausman go to the NL this offseason in a wonky trade. Imagine him in Petco? I’d need to go see my tailor about letting out my inseam.
Aramis Ramirez – 0-for-4 as he made his first career start at 1st base. C’mon, Mariners, you know you want him to DH for you next year. Stop playing coy.
Jung-ho Kang – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Kang can hit! And so can you!
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 3.28. I knew Liriano had been struggling. I don’t own him, so I, honestly, didn’t know exactly how bad he was struggling. This was only his second start with ten Ks or more in the 2nd half and, in that time, he had a 4.50 ERA. The why is fairly simple: his BB/9 went from a 1st half 3.1 to a 2nd half 4.7, and his K/9 went from 9.8 to 8.8. Maybe pitching coach, Ray Searage, decided to take off the water wings and watch Liriano flap around. With that said (Grey’s turning around the ship!), I’d own him hoping last night was a sign he’s corrected himself.
Billy Hamilton – Was activated from the DL and didn’t play. Yay, weekly leagues!
Ryan Zimmerman – Was scratched yesterday with an oblique strain. That will likely knock him out at least a week, prolly closer to a couple of weeks. Ooh, the Mariners could get Zimmerman to DH for them next year. Ooh, I know, I know! Zimmerman DHs, Aramis plays 1st and Kendrys goes to the outfield. Talk about athleticism personified!
Joe Ross – Moved to the bullpen. The only other option would be the bullpen moving to him, which is a logistics nightmare.
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. He left the game up by six runs, then got a no decision because he doesn’t know how to win games, said Murray Chass.
Yunel Escobar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .320. And the award for the guy that no one wanted all year that should’ve been owned…Drumroll…Here it comes…Ugh, I think I forgot in my car. Hold on. *Goes out to my car, sees my neighbor, Sonia, a 75-year-old who sits in her car smoking* “Hey, Sonia!” “You leave Yunel on top of your car, I put it by your door.” “Thanks, Sonia!” There ya go, the answer is Yunel.
Matt Harvey – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. My man is passive aggressive! You won’t remove me from the rotation? Fine, you’ll wish you had!
Lucas Duda – 0-for-3, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup Department” said, “I’ve been reading the story of Mr. Met by my co-worker, A.J. Mass. I’m not ruining the ending, but it turns out he doesn’t have gigantism.”
David Wright – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I picked him up for this game in case Arenado couldn’t go, but when Arenado was penciled into the lineup, I dropped Wright. That sounds like I’m blaming Arenado, but I’m not. Giancarlo forbid. I am highlighting that not only was Wright on waivers in my league, but I dropped him right back too.
Mark Buehrle – Had a cortisone shot in his shoulder and he will now hit 15 homers in the final three weeks. Get him in your lineup! When asked why he had a cortisone shot, Buehrle said, “Bautista and Edwin set up a lemonade-type stand in the clubhouse, giving them out…And…Well, they said it was going to a good cause, Taters for Tots.”
Travis Shaw – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. I have my doubts about what else he can do besides the occasional home run, but I guess that’s all some of you need.
Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. As a baseball announcer would say, “That was a gutsy start by Gibson.” Sadly, none of my leagues have a Courage category.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, after homering on Sunday and Monday. I sense a rising schmotato.
Steven Souza – Will play two more rehab games. Looks like the team band has their leader for two more games!
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-3, 1 run. I’ve now mentioned him four times in the last week. That’s it! You’re on your own!
Daniel Norris – Tossed a bullpen session and Ausmus said he looked good. You better not say that in Kentucky. (Like they’d let the Jewish Ausmus into Kentucky — pfft!)
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last two games. The King of SAGNOF may only wear a baby toilet seat as a crown, but he is still royalty and you will show him respect.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. Just Dong because someone has to.
Bruce Rondon – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd blown save. He’ll likely continue to get most of the saves, but when you see his 6.23 ERA it’s a fair question to ask why.
Jesus Montero – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as Jesus was recalled. Is is Easter already?
Nelson Cruz – Remained out of the lineup with his strained quad. Member when I was counting down to Cruz’s DL stint? I didn’t factor in that rosters would expand and DL stints wouldn’t be necessary.
Taijuan Walker – 3 IP, 5 ER. Ouch. He looked about as in control as Tijuana is with their stray dog problem.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .254. The average isn’t there as we’ve grown to expect from him. The speed isn’t there either. But the power is there. Meatloaf never said one out of three ain’t bad, Choo.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. Hasn’t shown much power recently, but Moreland is the type to get scorching hot in the power department.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Tell ya what, Odor, that don’t stink.
Taylor Jungmann – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. “I’m going to leave my soda on the bar while I go to the bathroom in this Venezuelan steakhouse-slash-gang hangout. Be right back!” *cut to five hours later* Hey, why is there so much light shining out of my eyes? Wait, is my head a lampshade? AHHHH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Jean Segura – 3-for-5 and his 22nd steal. Now hitting over .350 in the last week and has two steals in the past two days. Hot schmotato alert!
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homers. Uh-oh, shizz just got Realmuto!
Carlos Carrasco – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he was activated from the DL. Ugh, did you people give me lip service that you were forming a prayer hexagon? I’m not dropping Carrasco yet, but I have a feeling the next bit of news will be the dreaded shutdown. Which is not to say Terry Francona will don a dreaded wig and announce Carrasco’s done for the year. Well, actually, I wouldn’t put it past Francona.
Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. How dare ye show up Carrasco? How dare ye! Sorry, Cougs likes when I get Medieval on her ass. Obviously this was a good start, and I agree with the Stream-o-Nator about his next start too (also positive).
Michael Brantley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Also in this game, Rob Brantly (1-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this the first time similar sounding adverbs had homered since Hanley lazily and Pablo hungrily homered.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. I believe about a month ago I requested Abreu get to 27 homers on the year and I’d be happy. I won’t pull the rug out from under him and say now I want 30 homers, but, well, I’d be your best friend if you get to 30 homers!
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer and 9th RBI on the year as he led off. Yes, Mattingly actually thinks it’s a good idea to platoon a whole host of players in the leadoff spot. You have to laugh or you’d cry.
Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. In the immortal words of Chuck D, “Shut ’em down! Shut ’em-shut ’em down!”
Corey Dickerson – 0-for-1 and didn’t start yesterday, but was activated from the DL. Back in April, when he was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis, I said he’d only play a few more weeks and then get shut down for the season for surgery. I was wrong. He was shut down for months and never had the surgery. Here’s hoping he does go under the knife this offseason, otherwise he could have a big red flag on him for next year.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 37th homer. Screaming over gusts of wind, “I can’t hear you! I have The Torenado!”
Jon Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks in Petco. Elsewhere, Sonny Gray went 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Elsewhere still, Grey Albright made a Quiche Lorraine off of a Mary Berry recipe. Good night for Grays!
Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Honestly, if he didn’t do something yesterday, I was going to drop him. You bought yourself some time, Cockroach. Sorry, have been watching Narcos on NetFlix and now I think I’m Pablo Escobar.
Stephen Vogt – Could be out for a while due to a foul ball hitting his testicles. It hurts for him to just look at Semien.
Billy Burns – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Burns, Oakland, Burns! I smell a schmotato going on! First they’re guilty, now that homer is gone!
Mark Canha – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer and his 4th homer in the last eight games. King Kunta he’s not, but Canha has the yams.
Gregor Blanco – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. He hit eighth yesterday, which is death in the NL, and I’d simply cyclops him in most mixed leagues.
Joe Panik – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer as he returned to the lineup. Panik! at the Francisco is back.
Brandon Crawford – Left yesterday’s game with calf and oblique injuries. He’ll likely be out for some time. Gorgeous wavy hair can only get you so far, Crawford.
Cameron Maybin – Out a few games with a corneal abrasion. Sounds like he needs a pedicure. *Intern whispers in my ear* Sounds like he needs an eye patch. *Intern gives me a thumbs up*
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Lovely to see Nola bounce back from his last disaster. He doesn’t need no FEMA!
Kyle Schwarber – 0-for-1 could return to the starting lineup today. I look forward to watching him homer in every game the rest of the way on someone else’s team. “Cougs, could you bring me my fake vomit? I want to put it on my desk to visualize this queasy feeling I’m having.”
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Not to get all philosophical on you, but what if Hammel really is this yawnstipating?
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. Castro hasn’t been playing every day, which makes it even more curious why he’s batting 2nd when he is in the lineup. He’s been out of the lineup because he’s been lousy, right? So, a benched player suddenly gets preferential treatment when they do play? It’s Maddoning.
Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 6 ER. Can we just shut down every starter younger than 25 years old? Verducci’s about to have a conniption.
Kolten Wong – Scratched again with calf tightness. This should be celebrated because calf looseness and overall calf promiscuity is so rampant.