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Hope everyone had an Ian Happy Memorial Day, only without that schmohawk and all the other Cubs. One, which would’ve been nice is Javier Baez (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, hitting .260). At this point, I wouldn’t mind if all my hitters were as stingy at taking walks as Baez. Hey, Juan Soto, study the Baez TechniqueTM, which is literally swinging at everything. Embrace the unknown. Baez is like a BASE jumper. Instead, he practices the act of jumping on every pitch no matter where it is thrown. The BAEZ jumper. Also, in yesterday’s game, the Padres weren’t smart enough to avoid Patrick Wisdom (3-for-4 and a double slam (2, 3) and legs (1), hitting .467). I have dreams of streaming a guy who has a game as good as Wisdom, then I wake in the middle of the night, sweating and Cougs turns to me, “What are you dreaming of?” I reply, stoically, “Having Wisdom.” Then she asks, “Is that why you’re sleeping while wearing your monocle?” And I gently remove it and say, “No, I fell asleep looking for an ingrown hair.” If you streamed Wisdom, that’s just smart stuff, and, with Bote and Hoerner out, Wisdom might benefit with more play, like when you’re competing against an 6-year-old in a Math-off. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kohl Stewart – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks in his 1st start. I thought Kohl’s was only for stretchpants in their affordable sportswear aisle!
Kris Bryant – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .324. Someone yesterday asked if I’d do Bellinger for Bryant, and it gave me some pause. That trade might be cute by half. Sometimes the best trades are the ones you don’t make, but I also still believe in Cody. I looked at our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and it wasn’t even close.
Chris Paddack – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.24. I’m beginning to think Paddack was never good, and we all dreamed 2019.
Fernando Tatis Jr. -1-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .299. In an incredible surge over the last week, FTJ has moved to the top of the Player Rater. (His teammate, Manny Machado, took one of the biggest dips, going from top five to around 80th. Info provided by frequent commenter, VinWins.)
Luis Severino – Will begin a rehab assignment on Sunday. The lottery ticket still has about five rehab starts, and a month before you can cash it, so don’t let your great uncle co-sign for your Porsche Cayenne yet.
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.10. If Taillon was on any other team, he’d be on waivers in all 14-team mixed leagues and shallower. Just facts, man and five ma’ams.
Miguel Andujar – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Love someone like fantasy baseballers love Andujar after he does even the slightest of things.
Rich Hill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Just gave you my Rich Hill fantasy after his last gem, and here’s yet another one. The gist: Location at 88 MPH is better than no location at 95, and that’s me farting in Luis Castillo’s direction. By the by, imagine if the Rays spent money, and successfully soaked every last drop out of some old fogey crystals. They’d be a 120-win team every year.
Austin Meadows – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .239. Austin has been more valuable than I thought this year, and that’s as Plano as I can say it.
J.P. Feyereisen – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.84 as he recorded his 3rd save. Kevin Cash loves to mix and match the 9th inning, and, unfortunately for us, he has a ton of options. J.B. Wendleken’s archenemy in the old-timey neighborhood corner store game, J.P. Feyereisen is the closer right now, and might not save the next Rays game, if that makes sense.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Sounds like he will be returning on Thursday. Glad he took my advice when I kept saying to his picture on my computer screen, “Get healthy or die Ke’Tryin’.”
Adalberto Mondesi – Hit his 2nd homer, and left the game, due to his hamstring. Do I have hamstrings? If I do, take mine, Fantasy Baseball Overlord! Leave Mondesi alone!
Edward Olivares – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal. If you mouth the name ‘Olivares,’ it looks like you’re saying,”I love you.”
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-7 and his 7th and 8th homer. “Cesar Hernandez has twice as many homers as Juan Soto,” he says as he slowly walks into the ocean.
Amed Rosario – 3-for-7, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .252, and out of the two-hole. And he’s about to catch Juan Soto in homers!
Triston McKenzie – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.26. String Beanzie’s 7.6 BB/9 is tough to swallow.
Michael Kopech – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Can’t believe his manbun doesn’t shield him from such things.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Also, more homers than Juan Soto. Okay, I’ll stop now, but I’m hurt and my shrink says the best thing I can do is talk about it. Sorry, I’m the audience and the Greek chorus.
Mauricio Dubon – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Can the Giants’ starters pitch every game at home? Asking for my fantasy teams.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, but left with side soreness, which is either day-to-day, week-to-week or month-to-month. Thankfully, it’s not second-to-second, which is the worst.
Dylan Bundy – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.49. …and I’ve moved on. He should be better, but put “should be better” and “he sucks” in two different hands, and you have jackshizz, because both of those things aren’t actual items.
Lance McCullers – Dusty said they hope McCullers returns mid-June. Previously, Dusty said Framber had Predator blood coursing through his veins, and would return after a week, then it took seven weeks, so not sure we can trust the timetable.
Jose Urquidy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.02, as he was activated from the IL. Wasn’t a fan of Urquidy in the preseason, never became a fan in-season, but if the Streamonator likes one of his starts, I ain’t too proud 2 stream, which I said while wearing a condom in my eyeglasses.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .303. His home run was 330 feet in distance, and being reported as the 2nd shortest home run of the year. Did Hervé Villechaize homer this year for the shortest?
Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.64. I know this is a foreign concept for us, but we can root for him without having him on our fantasy teams.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .258. Ha, he’s hitting 20 points over the major league average and batting ninth.
Ramon Laureano – Will hit the IL today with a groin injury. Same, because this injury news kicks me there. On a related side note, in Tout Wars, it’s a weekly league, but they let us replace injured players any day. All weekly leagues should adopt that. It’s like the only fantasy league rule I like.
James Kaprielian – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.95. Hey, I’m just going to leave this iced tea on the counter of this bar and grill in an Afghani cave…*five hours later*…Whoa, how long was I asleep? Hey, is that guy wearing my nose as a broach? AHHH!!! Roofie!!!
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.94. Better, but at 80 pitches thrown total he’s gonna need to be that efficient every time out, which will be difficult. Will continue to monocle him, though.
Kyle Lewis – Injured the same knee as Spring Training, which knocked him out for a month, and he says it’s the same level of pain. Fan-effin-tastic. Parker Lewis can’t lose, because I have all the Ls from drafting Kyle Lewis. Brutal news if it does knock him out until, say, the All-Star Break.
Tony Gonsolin – Will rejoin the Dodgers’ rotation next week, and, sure, yes, why not, I tried to grab him everywhere myself.
Gavin Lux – 2-for-4, and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .247. Hey, that’s more homers than Juan Soto too! Run me over and leave me on the street for vultures!
Chris Taylor – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. I look at the box score after the Dodgers score runs, and my eyes go to C. Bellinger, then I sigh, and look elsewhere.
Dylan Carlson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two days. Beginning to think less of Carlson as all-around stud, and more of him as a hot hitter with five weeks of cold between streaks.
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, and 4th homer in five games, and 36th homer in eight games and mah gawd O’Neill is so hot.
Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.90, but left the game with side tightness. I’m gonna invent side looseness and become a billionaire.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Albombso!
Billy McKinney – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Might be a deep league schmotato, but rostering McKinney doesn’t feel like hashtag McWinning.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .235. Ya know, we have to start rethinking what a drain on average is from a player. Escobar’s big knock was he might only hit .240. That’s now practically leading the league.
Lorenzo Cain – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Almost like a 35-year-old, who relies on his legs who can’t rely on his legs, isn’t a great bet for centerfield. Real question, why did the Brewers get Jackie Bradley Jr. then never play him? Because he’s hitting .160? What did they expect? That’s what he always does.
Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (2 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.24. Two walks from Burnes vs. the Tigers. Could be a blip, or could be worth monitoring, and, if an air traffic controller is reading, it could be either without being both. Retrain your mind!
Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he settles in as the two-hole hitter and the Brewers’ best bat. No, that’s not a compliment.
Akil Baddoo – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Yabba dabba Baddoo!
Vince Velasquez – 3 IP, 6 ER, 4.08. Put on your 8-inch stilettos, and curb stomp his ratios, Regression Fairies.
Alec Bohm – 0-for-2, hitting .203, and down in the 7-hole. Someone should show Alec the Urban Dictionary definition for ‘da Bohm.’
Kyle Farmer – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer. Gotta love that my fill-in for Trevor Story already is doing more than him. Less wonderful is my fill-in for Nico Hoerner is Alex Blandino.
Max Schrock – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Schrock was the original DJ for Boogie Down Productions. If you get that joke, you’re old but also mad cool. Props.
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.26. This feels like a year where instead of drafting young, sexy starters, you could’ve blown some dust off some relics.
Victor Robles – Activated from the IL, but didn’t start. Centerfield should be Victor’s vector again, in case John Fogerty was curious.
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Bell goes ding dong!
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Tildaddy puts on the radio loud and says, “Mommy and I are just talking.”
Jose Berrios – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Jose has been Berrios Berrios to me.
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .230. Grabbed Polanco in one league when Dylan Moore went down, and, in that league, I’m in 7th, so not sure that’s an endorsement.
Trevor Larnach – Day-to-day after taking a foul off his foot. Twins don’t think it’s serious, but Larnach was in a walking boot. Pujols or Larnach in a walking boot in a 50-yard dash?
Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. “Hey, if we release 14,000 red ants onto the body, it should be gone by Thurs–Wait! Mountcastle’s moving! He’s alive!”
Cesar Valdez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.03, as he warmed in the 6th, and entered the 7th. Paul Fry, your time is nigh. Figured the O’s would try to use Valdez as the closer until July for the trading deadline, but Orioles are trying to avoid getting an early 1st round pick in the draft next year, I suppose. Or they figure they can draft a catcher later next year, since that’s all they ever seem to draft. Pretty funny how they never even tried Sisco. Like a bad gambler, they disregarded Chance to go to Wynns.
