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Yesterday, the Nats’ GM Rizzo put his feet up on his desk, rolled up a million dollar bill and used it to lit a cigar filled with million dollar bills, saying, “And that’s why I gave Patrick Corbin $140 million eight years after his prime.” Patrick Corbin went 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 6.06. You can think to yourself, “Damn, I should’ve streamed Patrick Corbin yesterday because the Streamonator loved it,” but I’d prefer to think, “I ain’t ever starting a pitcher with a 6+ ERA.” His last three years of ERAs are…I’d ask for a drum roll, but they deserve a sad trombone…4.66, 5.82, 6.06. If we were in Bizarro World, you’d be collecting your crown from America’s Next Top Model and Patrick Corbin would be an ace. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Bednar – Out with a sore back, but the Pirates don’t think it’ll be an IL stint-type injury, and he’ll be able to get back out there and throw 65 pitches per outing in just a few days. If you wanna speculate on Pirates saves, there’s Stratton, but sadly not Dorothy.

Diego Castillo – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and three homers in four games, four homers in six games and five homers in the last ten games. About as hot of a schmotato as hot schmotatoes get. (Oh, and Pirates manager’ Derek Shelton pinch hit for Castillo in the 9th, because he’s got nuggs for brains.)

Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Back in the preseason, Son wrote a Jose Quintana fantasy and I gave him crap for it for about six weeks, and now Son is wiping his butt with me in our RCL league, and karma sucks. If I were making the universe, I’d simply have karma not exist.

Kenley Jansen – Hit the IL with an irregular heartbeat. Yikes. Not great. I thought Kimbrel might’ve had an irregular heartbeat, but I was looking at a rolling line chart of his BB/9. Yesterday, A.J. Minter (1 IP, 0 ER, 1.64 ERA) got the save, and Will Smith (didn’t pitch) should also be in the mix. Minter’s better; Smith’s got je nais se SAGNOF. I thought it would be Smith, but since Minter got minted with the first post-Kenley save, I’d move him to the lead. This is important, because Jansen might be out for two weeks or the rest of the year.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Out of the lineup with “not at all a fractured foot, he’s simply using a Wal-Mart scooter to get around the clubhouse, it’s all good, baby baby.”

Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th homer. Ha, all you nerds were saying Olson was sucking up the ol’ suckhole and look at him now! He’s so good! (I’m trying positive affirmations; is it at all believable?)

Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Can’t be a coinicdence that d’Arnaud starting hitting well after he dumped d’Mariashriver.

Zach Eflin – Hit the IL with knee discomfort he’s had for weeks. Too bad he wasn’t Zach Elfin, then his knees would be his waist and he’d be fine.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. Who’s gonna be the one to tell Schwarber that June is 54 days long?

Michael Brantley – Hit the IL with shoulder discomfort. He hurt himself shouldering all my comparisons of young Astros prospects to him.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (14), hitting .255. What’s nice about Tucker, he never seems to get hot or cold. He’s just consistently solid. About to start calling him Mr. H2H.

Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .321. Captain Woo Cubano rocking out because boys too wanna have fun.

Yuli Gurriel – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .228. Wait a second, Mr. July 2019 is risin’? Is it Juli Gurriel back for a redux?

Framber Valdez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.65. As sweet as a well-ripen, just-picked raspberry. Call him Framboise, and give him a beret and pass to EuroDisney.

Max Scherzer – Seems set to return to the Mets on July 4th. Hopefully he gets stoned prior to the game so he has red, white and blue eyes.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.85. Wouldn’t shock me that once Scherzer returns, Carrasco goes on a month-long Ineffective List stint to see if they can fix his crizzappy pitching.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Left the game with lower back discomfort. I had the same thing happen when I tried to watch Jazz by Ken Burns. I got 900 minutes in and major lower back discomfort.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he was activated from the IL. I usually do the Kevin from “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department schtick when a guy returns and should get put right back in every lineup, but is Polanco that guy still? Prolly, but really need to see something.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, but there’s been three games because of a doubleheader and, ya know what, you get what I’m saying.

Jose Miranda – 3-for-7, and his 5th homer. I’m writing this while getting repeated texts from Cougs about Travis Barker being ill, and I didn’t even know she knew him, so I’m battling confusion as I write this, but Miranda is most likely a cyclops with a monocle in most shallower leagues.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 20th homer. I bet that he would hit the IL before his 20th homer, so I just lost five imaginary dollars. Hope you’re happy!

Devin Smeltzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Rather than the Streamonator, I should’ve drafted Smeltzer instead of Jose Berrios.

Emilio Pagan – 0 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.62, and appears officially done with any semblance of the closer job in Minny-soda, yah? Yah, Margie. I’d go Jhoan Duran, and no one else.

Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Might Marwin some, but Marwin just lost one. He’s also hitting .333 in June with all his dongs.

JP Sears – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at zippo as he got a spot start vs. the A’s. Fun fact! Sears and the A’s are both going out of business.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.20, as he went into Yankee Stadium. In Hollywood, this is what they call, “An audition.”

Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Weird how he only has 12 homers when the last time he got hot he hit 17 homers in three days. Welp, math! Am I right?

Rob Refsnyder – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Went back to look at what people on the site had said about Refsnyder in the past, and I found the 2015 Yankees prospects report with Aaron Judge on top, just edging out Greg Bird! Then you’ll never guess who was between Bird and #4 prospect, Luis Severino. Guy now with the O’s.

Hansel Robles – 0 IP, 0 ER and blew his 5th save. Love to see Jarren Duran and Tanner Houck getting to show off their talents in a playoff-type atmosphere. Young players like that stepping up when they’re most needed have to be impressing their teammates and club. Is what you can imagine one saying right now.

Ross Stripling – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Looked at his player page to see if I should be trusting him more and the short answer is: Yes. The long answer is yeeeeeeeees. His numbers kinda remind me of JoMo. Who asked for mo’ JoMo? Because you got it! He’s getting by on pinpoint command, but that will play. Anywhere from a 1.5 to 2 BB/9 plays if you have 7+ K/9, and he does.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. I originally spelled his name Moancada, then I thought, “Yeah, ‘moan’ in agony from rostering him.”

Luis Robert – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Get hot for the love of Giancarlo and boba, get hot!

Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Also, in this game, Shohei Ohtani (3-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 17th homer. Feels kinda significant that Trout and Ohtani homered and the Angels lost by seven.

Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Look, I’m smiling. Don’t you want to keep me smiling?

Dean Kremer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.29. What’s this guy been doing, mainlining Sandy Koufax? Between Bruce Zimmermann’s April and Kremer and Wells’s June, the O’s are producing a bunch of the least attractive-for-fantasy starters I’ve ever seen. Did the O’s hire Mike Leake to be their pitching coach?

Tarik Skubal – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.75. Damn, he got so spent in the last month, huh? His numbers still look excellent. Watch him suddenly announce he’s got a dead arm, or some shizz. I’m holding, but I am concerned.

Brandon Woodruff – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.44 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I can drive a group to lunch since I got a handicap placard from my mom. Seemed a shame to waste it since I don’t think she’s going out today.”

Luis Urias – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Has been a bit yawnstipating, but to be a valuable piece for his draft price, he prolly only needs to get to 20 homers and .250. *looks at his stats* So, he’s got some work to do.

Shane Baz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. “Okay, we need Baz to go against Elvis Andrus and Vogelbach to put on a Tom Hanks mask.” — That’s me as head of MLB marketing.

Jon Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Streamonator loves his next start even more, and he’s got Ray in his name and I’m thinking of Robbie actually pitching well, and I’m smiling again.

Kyle Isbel – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. If you pick him up, the Royals will start playing Olivares, and, if you pick up Olivares, they’ll play Isbel.

Seiya Suzuki – Could begin a rehab assignment today. Crazy to think this was originally called a day-to-day injury. Who’s his doctor, Jonathan India?

Keegan Thompson – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Nearly made Keegan the lede, because I watched him and was super impressed, but everyone reads everything I write, so I don’t need to put Keegan up top. Right? Mmhmm. Keegan’s got a new slider that he’s using it with more success than other breaking pitches, and he’s not that shabby with the butter cutter and change. The slider though can move Keegan from an eventual pen arm to a rotation piece. Still more of a 15+ mixed league guy, but I could see 12 teamers starting to take a foot off the brake soon.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.32, as he threw 123 pitches. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–breathe, Grey, breathe! I almost passed out when I saw Dumb Bell run Castillo out for 123 pitches. He’s their best piece to trade in July. Do you think you might want to make sure you get him to July healthy?

Jonathan India – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sonavabench! Literally the first time I took him out of my lineup all year when he’s been healthy, so that proves India’s not the problem, I am.

Hunter Strickland – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.91, and his 4th save. I’ve been remiss in saying Strickland seems like he’s taken hold of the Reds’ closer job, but I wouldn’t mess with him, outside of NL-Only leagues, as I say on this week’s podcast — you can now watch us on Youtube. Well, watch and listen, I suppose.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Projected to rejoin the Padres in early August. I read that news and sobbed, then thought, “Hey, it’ll be like my teams made a trade for one of the top players in the league in August, giving up nothing.” Then I thought about how Acuña’s played since he’s returned and sobbed again.

Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.32. Padres asked Gallen to answer the question, “Who is your daddy?”

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.92. In this game, Mazara hit his 2nd homer. Manaea/Mazara sounds like a David Letterman Uma/Oprah bit.

Manny Machado – Saw an update yesterday that he was sitting, and I completely forgot that he hadn’t been IL’d. When it comes to slow-playing a hand: The Pointer Sisters = Padres.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He still has plenty of time to get hot and go donging around Coors, but remember how excited everyone was for him in Coors? That dissipated quicker than you can say, “Bud Black has no idea who Elehuris Montero is.”

Elias Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Elias Sports Bureau Diaz has two homers in the last week, and, well, if he’s in Coors, cool. If he’s out of Coors, then imagine warm Coors.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. You don’t need a working elbow when you have Coors.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 1 run, and 7th steal. Not sure if you’ve been following along with this, but Freddie Freeman went to Atlanta and starting bawling in a press conference because he missed the Braves, then he fired his agent, because of how his free agency was handled. Freddie, just come right out and say you don’t like Los Angeles! The problem is, the Braves aren’t that into you. Let them go, bro! Freddie Freeman and the Dodgers/Braves situation is illustrative of one thing: Never let anyone know how you feel. If you have to cry, do it in the shower.