“Ree,” opens the front door, walks down the driveway, says hello to my Polish neighbor, Stash, walks to the DQ, gets a Blizzard, eats said Blizzard, walks home, opens the door, says “Dick,” hits the head, not like that, comes back feeling a Blizzard lighter, does some Netflix and chill, shuts it off, says, “You,” brushes teeth, gets into bed, moves arm over Cougs, hears about her splitting headache, rolls over and says, “Lus.” That’s right, in honor of Mookie Betts, I just did the most ridiculous ridiculous call ever. You earned that shizz, you madman! I’d count the ways I love this man, but like a savant Blackjack dealer I can only count up to 21. After his three-homer game yesterday, Betts (3-for-5, 5 RBIs, 10th, 11th, 12th homers) now has those twelve homers to go with eight steals, a .283 average and is on pace for 115 runs and 85 RBIs. Don’t make me do another ridiculous ridiculous call, cause if you want me to, I will. Oh, and with what he’s doing, it’s not even inconceivable that he keeps up this pace. His BABIP (.290) is actually below his career average (he’s getting unlucky!), his fly ball percentage is down (he could be hitting more homers!) and he hasn’t been caught stealing once (so steal more!). You are witnessing the emergence of a perennial first rounder. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jackie Bradley Jr. – Out on paternity leave. Should be back sooner than most because the naming’s easier. Just tack on another Jr. and let’s go!
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer. Aw, look how cute, it’s Betts in 2025.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Well, I would’ve liked to see more Ks or more innings, but beggars (Intern: insert a ‘not equal’ sign) choosers. I’d absolutely grab Ed-Rod in all leagues.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. The orange-jersey’d emoji inside Buck Showalter’s head, “I’m trying to figure out where to bat the guy we prefer to get less at-bats, and, I’m thinking…. Leadoff! Tell the boss!”
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.78. Was obviously a tough matchup (vs. Sawx), but when a pitcher’s in the AL East, you can’t sit them vs. half the division, which is the reason why in my 12 team mixed league, I dropped Aaron Sanchez, Smyly, Severino and Pineda. (Damn, I had a lot of AL East starters to begin this year. Must’ve ignored my own rule number four for drafting, go with NL starters.)
Seth Smith – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers (5, 6). The Lisper’s Nightmare cruthed both homerth like he crutheth pink cookith in a plathic bag getting cruthed by buildingth. Yo, Seth, mama thaid knock you out! Mariners (What?!), Mariners (What?!) He’th ready (We’re ready!), Seth thinkth he’th gonna hit bombth, because he’s got the thrength to rock hard! Thance the boogie, thance the boogie!
Ketel Marte – Expected to return next Monday. Don’t ya love when guys return on Monday? Makes it so easy for weekly lineups. 5,000 fantasy moves go against me, this one goes for me. It’s gonna be a good week! *sees Jackie Bradley Jr. is out of the lineup* Damn, that was short-lived!
Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer as the Mariners laid into James Shields and the Padres. The Big FraGu was joined by Adam Lind (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer) and Kyle Seager (3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer). FraGu’s got three homers in the past four games, Lind is hitting almost .500 in the last week with three homers, and Seager’s hitting around .350 with two homers in that time. Did the Mariners visit Coors? Nope, they got Twins’ and Padres’ pitching. Two teams whose pitching could actually make pitchers’ parks hitter-friendly.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.41. He got out to the early huge lead then simply sailed to the Ivictory Coast for a free room at the W.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .229. Be interesting to see what Kemp can do on another team. On yesterday’s podcast, JayWrong and I talk about the mental aspect of the game. I wonder if Kemp’s not as lame as he appears, but just doesn’t want to play because it’s the Padres. In fact, what if that was every players’ problem on the Padres? What if the Padres became the Madres and moved to San Dimas? *wavy lines* Hey, here I am in an alternate universe where there’s Madres playing in San Dimas. Let me turn on the game to see how they’re doing. The Madres are winning! Wow, they’ve scored so many runs! What’s that? In this alternate universe, the idea is to score the fewest runs? Oh, no, Twilight Zone twist! *wavy lines* Alternate universes are never what they seem.
Christian Bethancourt – 0-for-3, but also threw a scoreless two-thirds of an inning. Why is it so amazing when a position player pitches? It’s like watching a polar bear ice skate.
James Shields – 2 2/3 IP, 10 ERA. The Regression Fairies have a friend that wore a camouflage Speedo for Halloween and called himself Ramboner, they scoffed when they saw carpeting in their hotel bathroom and they will crush your ratios.
Domingo Santana – Began a rehab stint in Double-A Biloxi. Domingo was excited to be there, being a fan of the Venezuelan movie, Biloxi Azules with Matthew Brodricardo.
Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .299. Damn, Lucroy’s making me look stupid. Luckily, it’s the first time ever. *doorbell rings* Can I help you? You drafted DeShields? Sorry, Grey’s not home.
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.82. The slow march to respectability continues. He dropped his ERA from 6.03 to 3.82 in May.
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .330. Hey, Superfluous H, no rush, doode.
Matt Carpenter – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs. Signs that it’s still early: Carpenter raised his average thirty-one points in the last two games. Seriously.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .193. I mentioned on yesterday’s podcast that Morales was a guy I’d buy super cheap in deeper leagues, because he should be much better than he’s been. Those in shallower leagues, should cyclops him.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .297. Member how you hated him in April? Yup.
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 2nd steal, hitting .364. Need some speed and runs? To Whit.
Drew Smyly – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA up 4.77. Well, when I dropped Smyly early on, I looked like a total stunod, and I’m not dyslexic with pastry Tourette’s, but I don’t regret that at all now.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .204. Note to major league teams, don’t trade for Carlos Gonzalez.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Sometimes I scream ‘Gomez’ in the office to get A.J. Mass to turn around, making him think someone is screaming ‘Go Mets.’ He really needs to stop wearing that Mr. Met head.”
Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.79. So, it hasn’t all been rainbows and unicorns, but I still believe in McCullers if he’s healthy. In that ‘if’ lies the sun, the moon and Sandoval standing in front of the sun making an eclipse.
George Springer – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .288. I’m not joking when I say Springer or Trout? I’m as serious as a mural of Neckface.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Still schmotato’ing, still worth adding.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and has been hitting around .300 in the last week. He’s not much more than speed in AL-Only leagues, but he has been known to get hot enough for a week or two in all mixed leagues. He’s also one of the fastest guys in the majors. That’s what she said! Damn, she’s mean.
Patrick Corbin – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.96. Instead of promising to get rid of Common Core, if Trump can get rid of Corbin, I’m in.
Julio Urias – With Alex Wood hitting the DL, Urias is on his way back and could start Thursday. As the roofie turns… Yes, I’d grab Urias again if he was dropped.
Kenta Maeda – Questionable for Thursday due to swelling in his right hand. Maeda’s Swelled Hand is also Tyler Perry’s worst TNT movie to date.
Alex Guerrero – Designated for assignment. That was the humane thing to do after leaving him on life support for three years.
Yasiel Puig – Was scratched with a sore hammy. I.e., Puig’s lil’ piggy went weeg-weeg-weeg all the way home.
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.38. But this game was in Wrigley?! And his last game he gave up 5 ER in Petco! Sonavabench!
Corey Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .278. Becoming Joc Pederson’s rookie year Part P.U. seems to be avoided. *intern whispers in my ear that Pederson didn’t go south until the 2nd half* Shut up, intern!
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .217. I’ve been telling people in the comments to buy Upton or at least not drop him. He always gets crazy hot for months at a time. They just didn’t happen to be April and May. That doesn’t mean they won’t be June and July.
Cameron Maybin – Left yesterday’s game injured. Well, it had been almost two weeks.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Member when he was a buy low? See Justin Upton again.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, a grand slam. And look at Upton one more time for s’s and g’s.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers. Okay, I won’t say I like him again, except to say I do like him but I’m just not saying it. Don’t make me say I like him.
Jefry Marte – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I thought the Hand of the King killed Jefry? Or was it Littlefinger and the Hand was blamed? Or was it the Hound? Can I get a Cliff Notes for what I need to know prior to each Game of Thrones episode?
Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .336. If you wish you owned Valencia, don’t worry. Just hang around waiver wires, whistling, eventually someone will drop him. Or at least it seems that way from the comments.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .342, and batting close to .500 in the last week. The hottest schmotato in the land is one of the Twins’ two dozen Eduardos.
Anthony DeSclafani – Could return next week. That’s what DeScalendar says.
DJ LeMahieu – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, which was one of nine homers in Coors. Know how I say you want Rockie hitters in Coors when it starts warming up? At this point, I’d start Tony Wolters (3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) in my Utility slot if the Rockies are home.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers, hitting .301. In a motel somewhere, Corey Dickerson watched the Rockies’ highlights and sighed so loudly his neighbors banged on the wall.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 3, runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers. Auntie Em, hold down your skirt, there’s a Toreando coming through!
Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-5 and his 10th homer, and 8th homer in the last three games. See CarGo? See CarGo go!
Joey Votto – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd in as many games, hitting .213. Votto would be a 40-homer hitter in Coors. No foolsies.
Joe Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Someone got lucky on an Alaskan cruise last night!
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .397. Let’s just say I had no intention of drafting Murphy this year, but I did in one league and, not coincidentally, it’s the one league I’m way out in first.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .199. After the game, Dusty calmly asked, “Can Trea Turner do that?” Then refused to hear the answer which is obviously yes.
Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in the past three games. I wouldn’t pick him up myself, but if you’re totally desperate (how enticing does this sound?).
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. Quickly: Kershaw, Sale, Jo-Fer, Syndergaard, Scherzer? Si or no si?
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .300. He’s like Yunel Escobar with a catcher’s mitt. I will call him, Yukneel Escobackstop.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 3 Ks, ERA down to 6.34. 7+ ERA vs. the major leagues = Hiring Bill Cosby to be your bartender. Eek, math’s off there. Should’ve equaled a zero ERA vs. the Braves.
Denard Span – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .274, but hitting over .350 in the last week. I’d grab him (make sure you don’t accidentally pick up Ben Revere).
Matthew Wisler – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.16. For what it’s Werth, I grabbed Wisler in one league about a week ago and am not dropping him. Also, have him in a weekly league going twice this week (later in Los Angeles; real Los Angeles, not Anaheim).
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Rangers announced that Profar could stay with the Rangers when Odor is reinstated. No good came come of this. Either Profar starts over Odor at times inconceivably, or Profar sits on the bench rather than getting ABs in the minors. I’m dying to see how this plays out. Dying as in ceasing to live with stupid manager decisions.
Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.09. That’s nice, I still wouldn’t own Colby with your fantasy team.
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.15. Was cruising (relatively) then gave up three runs in the 8th inning without recording an out. Yes, I’m constantly making excuses for Kluber. At least I’m aware of it. I am not floating down the River Denial, drinking a cocktail while someone else paddles! Damn, the River Denial sounds awesome!
Todd Frazier – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .219. Though, .219 seems so much better than .246, when it’s Jose Abreu hitting .246.
Tyler Saladino – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and double legs (1, 2), and 2nd homer in three games, hitting over .300 in the last week. I’d say hot schmotato, but he’s more in the Bedouin camp with the LLAMAS.
Travis d’Arnaud – Could begin a rehab assignment this weekend. Yeah, him and what d’army?!
David Wright – Received a pain-killing injection for his neck as he tries to avoid the DL. Do we care? Let me drink on it and I’ll tell you later. *five hours later* Boozy Grey, “No.” Burp.
Noah Syndergaard – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st Hold. I usually don’t talk about middle relievers, but this guy looked pretty good. I could see him being used if Familia falters.
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Walker’s too modest. More like Neil Homer.
James Loney – 0-for-4 as he was added to the Mets’ 25-man roster and hit sixth. Loney has never been able to do much with his bat outside of the occasional schmotato sesh, so we don’t carez now. (Carez shows one doesn’t care even less because you can’t even be bothered to spell care right. The explanation of carez does undercut the lack of caring a little.)
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.85 vs. J.A. Happ 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.06. The home plate umpire must work as a notary during the offseason, because, before each half inning, he’d point to the mound and say initials here. Rather than point you back to Gausman’s blurb, I’ll just say I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for both of these guys, no matter how nice their ERAs look.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. No exaggeration, I’ve been waiting for Smoak to get hot for five years. I’m like a firefighter with blue balls.
Jason Grilli – Traded to the Blue Jays. Toronto’s heard many great things about Americans and their grilling, and, well, this is what happens when you make a trade on an empty stomach.
