Hola, chicos and cinco chicas! Are you ready for some Tex-Max Schenchiladas? Ay, papis and cinco mamas, you want some Tex-Max Enscherziladas?! Ay?! So, the Max Scherzer trade to the Rangers was briefly held up because they needed Max’s approval, and I have been laughing for two days thinking about someone asking if they would waive their no-trade clause from the Mets. Can you imagine?
“Hey, I have to ask you–”
“Wait, let me–”
“You have to let me ask you, it’s a part of the clause, I must say the whole thing before you can answer. Okay, are you willing to leave the New York–”
C’mon, bro. Max Scherzer is going to say, “No, I want to stay on this submersible.” So, Scherzer goes to the Rangers and this will fix everything. I kid. Scherzer could go to any team, except maybe the Rockies, and be Scherzer. His 4.01 ERA hasn’t been pristine, and he’s starting to show some wear at 39. His Ks are down, and his walks and homers are up. He has the worst xFIP of his career. I’d never bet against Scherzer — one does not bet against someone with two different colored eyes — but he does look more like a number two vs. the one he’s been for 13 years. By the way, the return package — which I’m sure Itch will go over — includes Luisangel Acuña. Hmm, pitch clock, fine. Limited pickoffs? Okay. But what’s Manfred doing with this “Every NL East team gets an Acuña” rule? From what I’ve heard, it’s a good return for Max Scherzer; the Mets did well. Until they trade Luisangel Acuña this offseason for Whit Merrifield or something equally bad. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jordan Montgomery – Traded to the Rangers. Begging for some NL teams to trade for someone from the AL, besides Lance Lynn and Amed Rosario, so I have someone to bid on in my NL-Only leagues. Montgomery will succeed in Texas. It’s a brutal park for homers allowed, but he keeps the ball down, and he can succeed there. Solid value move for him and the Rangers did well. He’s a sneaky number three, and think that can continue.
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.53. With Framber and Javier looking like the dog’s breakfast, I need Yu, baby. I need Yu.
Jordan Romano – Hit the IL with back inflammation that likely dates back to the Midsummer Classic. It was this weird movie where old people jump off a cliff–*intern whispers in ear*…I see. Turns out that was Midsommar. Solving their bullpen concerns, the Jays went out and got…
Jordan Hicks – Traded to the Jays. Hicks going to throw so much faster in kilometers. The Cards, overnight, became the 1993 Bulls. Yo, that was 30 years ago, I am so old. AM sports radio host, “When Romano returns, we will discuss at length which Jordan the Jays will look to for saves. Will it be the Jordan who throws cheese or the Jordan that is cheese?” (I kid, it’ll be Romano if healthy.)
C.J. Cron – Traded to the Angels. Guys, not to be a diva or anything, but Cron to the Angels doesn’t help with the Immaculate Grid. Also, doesn’t help with fantasy. It won’t kill it though. Looking at his last few years on the Rockies and home/away splits doesn’t tell the full story. Players on the Rockies are bad in away games, because Coors messes with you. Cron can be fine away from Coors on a full-time basis. He should slot in as their everyday 1st baseman, and be slightly worse than a good 1st baseman and slightly better than an awful one. What’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, yeah, mediocre.
Randal Grichuk – Also went to the Angels in a trade for Jake Madden and Mason Albright. Madden/Albright was me all four years of college. Grichuk is actually worse than Cron, if you can believe that. Listen, if the Angels getting two mediocre players makes Ohtani happy, showing him they’re trying, then it works for me. It’s not like Grichuk or Cron block anyone of note. “Hello! Am I invisible?” That’s Jo Adell.
Taylor Ward – Hit the IL the 60-day IL, essentially ending his season, after taking an Alek Manoah fastball off his face. What’s Manoah going to do for an encore? Kick a puppy? Spoil the end of Barbie? Tell me I’m adopted?! Well?!
Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. When he gets hot, he gets smoking, and, with Ward out, there shouldn’t be anymore of those occasional days off.
Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.31 vs. Tyler Anderson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.98. Both teams looked anemic at the plate all weekend. Well, everyone but Ohtani, per usual.
Julio Teheran – Hit the IL with “being a hot mess.” My medical journals don’t say how long that will knock out someone.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. His name is Christian because his mom makes you believe in God. What? It’s known trivia.
Matt Olson – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 34th and 35th homer. He’s on pace for 53 homers and 135 RBIs. *holds handkerchief to forehead, faints*
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer, and 4th homer in the weekend series. Ozuna’s hotter than the sun. Call him Osuna. Oh, wow, they have a lot in common.
Aaron Nola – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.43 vs. Quinn Priester – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.19. That Nola was out-pitched by Priester says all you need to know about Nola’s season. Only surprised Nola gave up just one homer on Saturday.
Cristopher Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 2 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.66. He left with a no-hitter because he had stomach issues. No-hitter, not no-shitter. Sanchez has the lowest WHIP (0.85) in MLB since June 17th, when he was called up. Just gave you a Cristopher Sanchez fantasy. The gist was give him a whirl.
Alec Bohm – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. A Bohm bomb!
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-4 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Sorry, you can’t find a more yawnstipating guy. Go ahead try, I’ll wait (I won’t wait).
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Do I even have to say he’s not good?
JoJo Romero – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.92 as he got the first post-Jordan Hicks save in St. Louis as Giovanny Gallegos (2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.60) worked the 7th and 8th. Can’t believe the Cards are going to go to Romero, he’s a Joker! His name is actually JokerJoker Romero. So, I grabbed Romero in NL-Only leagues, and held off in most mixed leagues, but depends on needs. I’d guess it’s a committee in St. Louis.
Garrett Cooper – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. He usually gets hot after a homer, so can monocle for the schmotato.
Tarik Skubal – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.57. Well, he should be better. Y’all have a Should category in your league?
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Finally clicking now that two-different-colored-eyed goblin is no longer staring at him from the dugout.
Jonathan India – Hit the IL with heel pain. Well, that’s one way to make room in your lineup.
Elly De La Cruz – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. *sets up shrine to Elly De La Crush using Crush orange soda cans, bows*
Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Wow, he got to nine homers fast. Barely over 100 at-bats for this year. Votto bangs, and I’m not saying a good haircut for him.
Matt McLain – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer. McLain’s haters are dying hard.
Graham Ashcraft – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.31. Will this guy please go back to sucking?
Merrill Kelly – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Was surprised to see Kelly doing much better in strikeouts. His improvement looks like it’s from adding a slider. Kinda like the White Sox lineup. Ya know, Burger.
Brandon Lowe – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer this week. B-Lowe making up for being total B-Hind.
Luis Severino – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 7.49. Yankees fan who was in coma for the last three months, waking, “Severino’s back?! Facing the Orioles? Turn on that game, bah-bee! I wanna see my Noo Yawk fahkin’ Yanks! Why’s everyone looking at me funny? Turn on the game.”
Jake Bauers – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Comatose Yankees Fan, “We’re even getting production from Jake Bauers? The Yankees, bah-bee! Let’s go! Seriously, why’s everyone looking at me like that?”
Alex Kirilloff – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Like clockwork he goes from AL Player of the Week to the IL, if that clock had a bad wrist and shoulder.
Matt Wallner – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. That’s in 24 games. I said last week to grab him for homers. This week I’m saying, I did in one league.
Ryan Yarbrough – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. First time it has ever worked picking up a guy just because he has two starts. Praise to the Fantasy Baseball Overlord!
Mike Clevinger – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.59, as he returned from the IL. Clevinger, welcome back, you are now a Baltimore Oriole! Or Phillie. Or an Astro. Right…now! No? How about now? Well, very soon, I’d guess.
Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.34. Civale gonna have a sub-2 ERA and I’m gonna be screaming, “He’s not this good,” while going cross-eyed with Alek Manoah and Lance Lynn on my teams.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. His first homer left Michael needed some Kopech-tate, and his 2nd hit Cronin’s diseased pitch. Bam! IBS FTW!
Steven Kwan – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. “Kwan” but as defined in Jerry Maguire.