At least one of you is reading this with a bandaged thumb from a fireworks mishap. I had a Cousin Pete (Italian side of the family) who lost the tip of his thumb on the 4th, but rather than stop the festivities, he taped the tip of a hot dog on his thumb to act as a tourniquet for the rest of the 4th, so we could all go about our fun-having business. I suggested my Cugino make a PSA about hot dog tourniquets, but I was turned away by NBC Cares. Let us bow our heads and pray that if anyone loses a finger, may there be a proper-sized hot dog nearby. Okay…*claps hands* Play ball! Yesterday, Matthew Boyd went 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (zero walks), 13 Ks, ERA at 3.87. Flavor Flav secures his giant clock to his chest with one hand and pumps his fist with his other hand, “Yeah Boyd!” Boyd was the 1st pitcher with less than 6 IP, zero walks and 13 or more Ks. You kinda have to get hit around a bit to have that record, but, damn, that’s impressive. Let’s hear it for the Boyd, let’s hear it for the…MATT! See what I did there? No one saw that coming! Not a soul! Boyd is one of the few guys in the entire major leagues who is pitching better than his ERA would indicate. I’m kidding, everyone’s ERA is crap! But Boyd’s been very special — 11.9 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 3.33 xFIP — and is looking like a solid number two with upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and his 5th homer, hitting .303. If he wasn’t hitting like a power hitter from 1903 when everyone was named Chappy, he’d be having an okay season.
Niko Goodrum – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .242. There’s one 75-year-old punk rocker with a Velvet Underground banana sticker stuck to their weed chest like, “Niko! Yeah, man!”
Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and is hitting .350 in the last week since being called back up. He should be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Let’s see if he is…*looks into future* Move out of the way, lottery numbers, I’m trying to see the future for Jeimer Canderlario!
Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .243. I kinda hope Eloy’s 2nd half is lackluster so he’s not super inflated next year and then goes full-Bellinger. I have very specific wants.
Alex Wood – Scheduled for a minor league rehab game at Louisville, which is a town that takes in all tired and poor Louies. Speaking of Louie, I wouldn’t touch Wood.
Luis Castillo – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.29. Sell high! Seriously, I love Castillo but this is slightly absurd. My man is not a 2.29 ERA pitcher. Unless he waits until 2020 to blow up his spot like Snell.
Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.67. If only someone told you to draft Woodruff. Wait a second, someone did! That someone was me! If only I ranked him high enough so it was possible. Wait again! I did that too!
Kris Bryant – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .294. It’s amazing K. Bryant aka White Mamba was able to get out of Kobe’s shadow. Almost as amazing as Joey Chestnut becoming famous for swallowing hot dogs, getting out of his equally talented sister Juwanna Chestnut’s shadow.
Willson Contreras – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .294. His hitting is almost as good as his outfield defense.
Robel García – 3-for-5 and his 1st homer as he was called up by the Cubs to play. Dot dot dot. 2nd base? Maybe. I don’t know, tee bee aitch. He had 15 homers in Triple-A in 50 games, and hit .281, but, honestly, everyone is hitting at every level. He also had a 34% strikeout rate so he might hit .205 in the majors. If you click his name, you’re magically transported to his player page where his projections are and they’re not bad. Again, playing time though? I guess I can see a flyer in deeper leagues.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .299. Trout is Jordan but instead of a flu game he’s got a “no swag” game.
Griffin Canning – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.43. I’ve been pretty out on Canning for a while now, refusing to own him in any matchups. Unless this is a food drive, an Opener might help Canning.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .191. I don’t want to be one of those cynics who doesn’t believe anything, but until I see video proof, Odor went 0-for-5 with 4 Ks and a grounder to 2nd.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. You know what kind of year Lynn’s having? What we should’ve got from Happ. I will call him Perchance Happ.
J.A. Happ – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.02. Speaking of the devil (so coincidental!), if only you could’ve been Perchance better.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. Also, in this game, Edwin Encarnacion (1-for-5) hit his 25th homer. It’s a miracle when the Yankees don’t hit a home run. “Ain’t one of my miracles.” That’s The Ghost of Earl Weaver.
Brandon Lowe – Hit the IL with a shin bruise. Too bad, because Lowe’s got all the tools. Badoomtish! Called up to replace him was Nate Lowe. Wow, someone took Ludacris deadly serious when he said, “Get Low.”
Yonny Chirinos – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.15. He ended up with a no decision, but incredibly there was no blown save involved. A shizzton of runs given up by the bullpen? Oh yeah, but no official blown save.
Danny Jansen – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 7th and 8th homer, and 6th homer this week (!). Jansen should’ve been the lede, but catcher so bleh. He should be the lede in today’s Buy column, but still catcher so bleh. He should be owned everywhere? Yeah, even though, ya know, catcher. Six homers this week! I mean, dubya tee eff.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. He joined an exclusive group of players who have hit 30 homers before the break and only 24 of those home run balls had a fuse that Commissioner Rob Manfred lit right before it was tossed to the pitcher.
Dinelson Lamet – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in his 1st start back. I went over my thoughts on Lamet yesterday. If you click his name, you’re magically transported to the last three previous mentions of him. The General Gist, which was also my high school band, I like him for Ks, he’s okay in good matchups, but still risky.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.73. I hope it never ends, but soon, I don’t know, we might have to start talking about, “What if it does end?”
Zach Eflin – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.78 vs. Mike Soroka – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.42. If you’re going to make it inconvenient for the Regression Fairies to see Barry Manilow for his 4th of July “I Write the Songs, You Like The Songs,” spectacular, both pitchers are going to pay.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-5 and his 17th homer. Okay, he’s either getting hurt before his next home run or I will never mention this again. Good luck, or as they say, break a leg!
Dansby Swanson – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .274. Great season for Swanson so far. It’s just too bad the manager got a haircut at the same time Ozzie Albies (2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer) bought him a comb, because Ozzie hasn’t been bad, but takes a major hit on value hitting 8th.
Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Reads Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston final exam question, “Who’s pitching better as far as peripherals: Berrios or Boyd?” Gulps. “Can I use the loo?” After I’m excused, I call up Lou Pinella for some help, but he promptly curses me out.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers, hitting .272. Semien with a double dose of fireworks, which could also mean someone wasn’t enlightened by the Human Resources training.
Tommy Milone – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.56. I streamed Milone in one league. So, how am I feeling post-Milone? Not exactly like a rock star.
Mitch Haniger – Not ready for baseball activity. Yeah, well, no kidding, when the number one baseball activity is scratching one’s balls. America! Eff Yeah!
J.P. Crawford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .299. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I think he’s been a hot schmotato for a minute, but an Urban Dictionary minute, which is longer than a minute.
Michael Wacha – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.54. Starting to wonder if Wacha will ever be good again. Cousin Sweatpants really went sideways from where he once was.
Kurt Suzuki – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. As frequent commenter, Fred Garvin MP once said, “Am I the only one sings Kurt Suzuki’s name to the tune of 2 Live Crew’s Pop that Coochie?” No, sir, you are not.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Serious question: Rendon or Machado? Don’t answer now. Wait until next week’s top 100 of the 2nd half.
Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.66. The Streamonator didn’t like this start, which is slightly bonkers to me, but I am merely a human and not a part of the Robot Ruling Class.
Miguel Rojas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .296. Been meaning to mention Rojas, and not because he’s the only player currently in the major leagues with a name that shares a Crayola crayon color. Though, I hear Hunter Greene looks good in the minors. Rojas is currently in the top 15 in the majors for singles. Dude, go to the strip club! The top 15 isn’t all sexy, as you can imagine. Hanser Alberto and Miguel Cabrera are in there, and since yesterday was Rojas’s 1st homer, he’s a bit of a bore. He is hitting for average, and Rojas will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but here’s now, so do what you do if you need average.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5 and his 6th and 7th homer. Finally, he’s back on the juice! You, “Does he mean juiced balls or steroids?” Me, “You decide!”
Zach Plesac – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.00. Fun fact! Plesac is also what Haniger says when trying to coax himself back on the field.