Yesterday, on the last day of his H2H playoffs, Flavor Flav’s fantasy baseball team, “Yeah Boyd!!!” had a day to remember. Fun fact! Flavor Flav also plays fantasy baeball, drafting Hoopz, New York and Pumkin in the first round was the way to go, so surprising to see him take Brandi, who wasn’t even in Flavor of Love but on Rock of Love. Rookie mistake! Or maybe I should say roofie mistake. So, yesterday, Matt Boyd went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.33, losing his no-hitter with two outs in the 9th inning. He throws a handful of pitches, literally. Five in total: fastball (92 MPH), cutter, slider (slutter?), change and curve. His arsenal is nothing to boot (footy pun!). Of course, five pitches that are all garbage isn’t exactly the meow’s cat. As of yesterday, only his curve was a plus pitch. He is only 26 years old, so maybe a 5.00 xFIP doesn’t give the whole picture/pitcher (stutterer!). Of course, at this time of the year, only his next start matters, and the Stream-o-Nator actually has it as the smallest of positives. So, you got it, Flav, “Yeah, Boyd!!!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Cabrera – Out with back tightness, but won’t be shut down. Ausmus did say something legitimately funny. On shutting Miggy down, he said, “He’s about to get four months off. He needs four months and two weeks?” For the first time, I hear the Jewish in Ausmus.
Mikie Mahtook – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in his last seven games. On our Player Rater, who’s higher, Mahtook or Miggy? To avoid aneurysms, it’s still Miggy, but I wouldn’t have Mahtook you for a dope if you guessed Mikie.
Jeimer Candelario – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Yes, appears schmotato, but one caveat on all of these Tigers hitters, they were facing the Pale Hose, which is also the name of a white supremacist brothel.
Reynaldo Lopez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.84. His peripherals — 5.9 K/9, 3.1 BB/9 — couldn’t be more antithetical to his stuff-slash-minor league numbers-slash-axl. Of course, for this year, the only thing that matters is his next start, and I agree with the Stream-o-Nator and wouldn’t mess with it.
Cody Bellinger – 0-for-4 and hit his 38th homer on Saturday, which ties the NL rookie record. He tied Frank Robinson and Wally Berger, which is also what John Candy ate five per day while filming Vacation.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer. Ugh, can he just go away already?
Eddie Rosario – 3-for-5 and his 25th and 26th homer. I know this is counterintuitive to everything you know, but I’d want no part of the Twins’ offense right now. Luckily, most have checked out to fantasy football, so Rosario’s price next 2018 will be deflated compared to where it should be, i.e., sleeper.
Byron Buxton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting…Guess. Keep in mind, he was struggling to hit .200 in June, and hit .216 at the break. He’s hitting .258! Dizzamn, serious 2nd half guy in his young career.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 29th and 30th homers, and four homers this weekend. On June 1st, he had 3 homers. Yup.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.96. For all intensive porpoises, Keuchel has been an ace, but he has likely one and a half starts left, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next one. I think he will be fine in his next start, but after that he might throw three innings while resting for the playoffs.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.50, and 202 Ks in 193 IP, as the Astros clinched the AL West. Kinda pumped about the playoffs this year. Gonna be hard to choose who to root for between the Dodgers and Astros, if they both get to the World Series. Dodgers, because, well, I’m in LA; Astros because of Harvey. If it went seven with the Astros squeaking it out, I’d be happy. Now watch it be Minnesota vs. the Diamondbacks.
George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 32nd homer. Whoa, he didn’t retire from baseball in July to start an alpaca farm?
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Epiphany Alert! The Astros were the best offense in the majors in the 1st half by a large margin. I’m guessing they weren’t the best offense in the majors in the 2nd half.
Danny Duffy – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.71, as he was activated from the DL with his elbow injury. A starter in the last two weeks of the season with an elbow injury is not likely where you want to invest all your savings — I hear Beanie Babies are a great investment though — but the results here make me think the elbow injury is behind Duffy.
Jason Kipnis – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the DL and played center field, and hit 7th. This was his 1st game in the outfield since 2009 in Rookie ball. Shorthand: Cleveland is more Cavs than Cav-nots with Kipnis out of the lineup, so let’s try and get him injured again.
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.35. He’s done more than enough, but it’s worth pointing out that his ERA from June until yesterday is 1.69 in 154 1/3 IP, and he was complaining of an injury in April/May. So, a 1.69 ERA when healthy in more than 150 innings. *fans self like a Southern belle* One sixty-nine indeed. Oh, and he has 252 Ks in 191 2/3 IP. *puts handkerchief to forehead and faints*
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer, hitting .253. We should just expect 35+ HRs and .255 until we see different. Yeah, at some point it’s going to make sense to ignore him in March, but right now we’re just guessing when the bottom is going to fall out like that paper bag with a St. Ides.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.46. The hit he allowed was a 2-run homer to Jackie Bradley, who sounds like a role Melissa Leo would play. Odorizzi’s next start is hideous with emphasis on the O’s.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.15. If past results equal future results, his next start will be 5 2/3-6 IP and 2-5 ER.
Zach Davies – 4 IP, 6 ER, in what should’ve been an easy matchup, as his ERA rises to 3.89. Could Davies’ last genie wish have been, “Look great all season to rope fantasy owners in to trusting me in their H2H playoffs, then pitch as terribly as I’m capable?” If so, what a bastard!
Brandon Woodruff – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Of course, he’s overachieving. The entire Brewers’ pitching staff has overachieved all year. Woodruff gets the Cubs next, which seems like an avoid, but knowing the Brewers, he’ll throw a shutout.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. Holy shizzballs, he’s out Rhysus’ing Rhysus. Yo, Olson, you religious figure? You Allahson? Oh, Allahson, your aim is true.
Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 1 ER (2 unearned), 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.56. For those slow on the uptake like a clogged straw, this was not a great start by Manaea.
Garrett Richards – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Any guy that can barely throw 75 pitches is not someone I’d be looking at right now. On a positive note, at least this Richards didn’t drop the n-word.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4 and his 38th homer, hitting .211. If he can get his average up to .250 next year on a wing and a pray, he could be gorge. Or if an 80’s rocker is reading, a Winger and Living on a Prayer.
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, vs. the Aints, ERA at 3.45. I’m not shizzing you when I say, I can’t even imagine how a pitcher could give up four earned runs to the Giants right now in only five innings. As Vizzini would say, inconceivable!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 40th homer. Or, ya know, a home run every 9.7 ABs.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .197. Lindsay Lohan has aged better than Sandoval.
Ivan Nova – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Had his best start of the 2nd half, but it was reported he was “favoring his groin.” Could’ve been worse, he could’ve been on Facebook favoriting his groin.
Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. From Keith Law in 2011 when the Pirates selected Cole as their number one pick overall, “The Pirates are still seriously on Danny Hultzen and Bubba Starling, and I wouldn’t rule Anthony Rendon out entirely, but my gut tells me right now they’ll find Cole’s raw stuff — he hit 101 for me on Friday night and touched 100 many times, including in the eighth inning — too good to pass up.” If you took everything Keith Law has ever said with a grain of salt, you’d have high blood pressure.
Sal Romano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.07. That’s how you sprinkle cheese on those meatballs!
Robert Stephenson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.01. Looks like Robert Stephenson got the best of the Pirates, blanking them. Could even say he planked them. After every K, he said “How you like Treasure Island?”
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Also, in this game, Eugenio Suarez (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 26th homer. When the season ends, I’ll be going over a recap of all positions. However, in March, you would’ve been better off with Scooter/Eugenio instead of Cano/Kyle Seager. It’s okay to cry.
Jake Arrieta – Might return next week, after throwing a bullpen session of 42 pitches on Saturday. Jackie Robinson would’ve been honored.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer, hitting .207. Never in a million years would’ve thought in March that I’d be saying this now, but Schwarber’s going to be undervalued in 2018.
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-4 and a home run, hitting .294. Guess how many HRs The Gregorius D.I.D. has. Remember he missed almost all of April. 24 HRs! Didi, do it to me one more time!
Sonny Gray – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.38. To get this start on the last day of your H2H playoffs is enough to make you *pinkie to mount* an-Gray.
Robert Gsellman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.22. G’s usually move in silence like lasagna, but nothing moves in silence about Gazelle-man with his loud outs. After yesterday’s game, he was talking about how he learned a change from career minor leaguer Cory Burns, who is in Double-A. Mets’ coaching staff — top notch!
Noah Syndergaard – Not yet ready for games. The Mets will A) Shut him down. B) Rush him back for the last week of the season, so he hurts himself even worse. C) There’s no C. D) Have their trainer, who has an online degree from the University of Phoenix, operate on Thor’s elbow even though the problem is with his lat. E) Half their trainer in a magic trick gone wrong.