What’s in a name? I believe a lot. I come from the new age school of thought that if you name your kid, Quimby, his first words will be, “Err-ah.” Name your kid, Grey Albright, he’ll be pessimistic but wildly intelligent, shining light on the darkest corners of the fantasy globe. Name your kid, Tim Anderson, and *stretches* Sorry, I fell asleep, who were we talking about? Oh, Tim Anderson, right. *bumps head on desk* Sorry, just dozed off again. Who were we talking– *sees Tim Anderson’s name, falls off chair, curls into fetal position* Nighty-night time. Rename Tim Anderson, to Giancarlo Anderson, and you want his babies, assuming he wants you to have his babies. It’s important to get consent first, I learned this the hard way with the other Giancarlo. So, I’m going to go a little crazy about Anderson this offseason, but this post is just about what he can do over the next two weeks. That would be best informed by what he’s done over the last week: a home run, four steals and hitting near-.400. As the poet in me wants to say, time is nil, make Tim nigh. Okay, I’m going back to calling him Giancarlo Anderson. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jose Martinez – And another guy who should change his name to Giancarlo. Where’s all the fun names like Rhys Willyaspoonme?
Brandon Moss – The chances he stays hot for another two weeks are slim to anorexic, though that might be better left for his niece, Kate.
Jose Reyes – Has been hot. Emphasis on ‘has been.’ Also, if you have a league that counts times a player throws his significant other through a door, you really need a new league. That’s sick. Or you should be playing fantasy football. By the way, get a free 7-day trial for our fantasy football tools. Just put in the promo code, GREY IS THE GREATEST. Kidding. There’s no promo code.
Yolmer Sanchez – Just realized something that’s worth pointing out after I point out that I just realized something for the most awkward intro to a sentence ever, a lot of guys on this list are playing on terrible teams. Know why that’s good this time of year? Because teams that are out of it are playing guys to see what they have. Somewhere, Jose Pirela’s like, “Yo, I’m the three hole hitter. El oh no shizz.”
Ozzie Albies – I might get bae close to Ozzbies this offseason, because, what is an MI that Grey doesn’t get crazy about? Not a, not a damn thing.
Nicholas Castellanos – We should start calling this guy, Exitolas Velocitanos. Definitely sounds Greek. Hey, Exitolas Velocitanos, I’m going to let you use my good china, but please be careful with this glass. OPA! Damn it, Exitolas!
Matt Chapman – By the by, I didn’t forget Matt Olson. I just gave you a Matt Olson fantasy, while I was drinking Pedialyte and getting a pedicure, but Olson is owned in more than 50% of leagues; Chapman’s not.
Yandy Diaz – Your hustle doesn’t go unnoticed, but your league has gotta be deep for Yandy Diaz to be more like Fundy Dias. I mean, other than playing for the greatest team of all teams, he hasn’t exactly lit up the sky with power or speed. Is getting counting stats, though, because the Indians are some win getters. That would be my favorite phrase if I were a manager, “Yo, you a win getter?” Players would be looking around like, “Oh, boy, Dad learned some new slang.”
Jose Peraza – There’s no way of knowing this, but Peraza could easily be this upcoming week’s Tim Anderson, i.e., goes SAGNOF crazy and farts perfumey fragrances. This might be some optimism on my part since I own Peraza and am gathering steals like they’re Apples in an iPhone orchard.
Michael Taylor – Not only is this guy the last Bowden Fluffer, he also feels like a guy who just never had a chance to prove himself. Throw him on the Padres for 155 games and 550 ABs, is he that much worse than Margot?
Delino DeShields – It might be me (whenever I say that I don’t think it’s just me), but the better the opportunity for Delino, the more disappointing he is. Gonna start calling him, Delino DisAppoints.
Mitch Haniger – Besides the note I made in Yolmer’s blurb about a lot of guys being listed here that are on bad teams, also quite a few guys that are begging me for sleeper posts next year. *skims list* You, “Please, Jesus Christ Ramirez, not Delino. Please! Oh, and, Grey, how ya like my new combover?” Looks good, brah.
Kevin Kiermaier – Should contribute for all five categories. Like your aunt that never married, he’s got 5 cats locked down!
Teoscar Hernandez – I could be misremembering this, but I feel like the Jays haven’t had a breakthrough for a rookie hitter since John Olerud, and he was rocking his spaceman helmet that was prolly from the NASA gift shop and had magical powers. Any hoo! Teoscar could be good for some speed and power.
Shane Greene – See my next blurb, shizz sums up things on the full.
Matt Belisle – I’m about to win a league while leading the league in saves. The closers I have: Ramos, Dyson, Treinen, Greene and Belisle. SAGNOF, snitches! Maybe we’ll get some more converts next year from the people who drafted Aroldis, Melancon and Britton. Though, next year, as with every year, there will be people who say something like, “I didn’t want to mess with a guy like Raisel Iglesias so I drafted Kimbrel in the 4th,” and Kimbrel will break a knee in May. Without hashtag fail.
Sam Dyson – Melancon had forearm surgery and is out for the season. There’s no truth to the rumor that Melancon injured his forearm by continually facepalming after people pronounced his last name with a hard C.
Corey Dickerson – Didja know that Co-Dick is not only his nickname, but also Malaysian Siamese twins who do porn? As for this Co-Dick, he sucks. Wait, that’s the Malaysian Co-Dick again. Dickerson has four hits in about four weeks, no foolsies. Buh-bye.
Justin Smoak – Up until last night, he was a Septumbler, hitting .175 in the month with two homers. *lets out a small chuckle* You know I just reverse jinxed Smoak and he’s about to homer again. You just know this. Assuming I don’t reverse jinx him, he’s been so ice cold. Cold Smoak, what’s this, a Quickfire challenge and a cheftestant has out some liquid nitrogen? “It’s a cherry sorbet with a frozen chocolate foam yarmulke. I call it, Cherries Jew-B-Glee.”