Yesterday, Lourdes Gurriel Jr. went 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .304. Lourdes Gurriel Jr. is the greatest living hitter, and I’m not living in a hyperbolic chamber, while dining out on superlatives to describe how hot Gurriel’s been since he returned from the minors. On our 30-day Player Rater, he’s a near-top 10 hitter over the last month. His father, Yuli Gurriel, calls his son every day and asks him how he does it and LouGu Jay R is just like, “Father, I cannot explain my success with the white ball.” And Yuli’s like, “Careful with the coded language because I learned the hard way people don’t like racism. Who knew?” LouGu Jay R may simply be a hot bat, but there’s something to be said for a guy who has been hot the entire time he’s returned from the minors. Maybe this is LouGu’s floor vs. ceiling. At least one Junior is impressing on the Jays. “I got a better butt.” That’s Vlad Jr. modeling in front of a mirror for ESPN’s Nude Magazine. However, the song Vlad Jr. sings to his reflection is apt, “Gurriel, you knows it’s true.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Giancarlo Stanton – Hit the IL with a PCL strain. Starting a GoFundMe to buy a padded sumo wrestler suit for Giancarlo to wear. Please donate whatever you can. Was hoping for 25+ homers from Giancarlo the rest of the way. Now I’d take a good month of Ketel Maris from Giancarlo.
James Paxton – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.34. Settles into desk, opens final exam at Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston, and reads, “If number one pitchers are not number one pitchers, then number two pitchers are number one pitchers or number two pitchers are number three pitchers or number two pitchers are number two pitchers?” Raises hand, “I’ll need an extra fifteen minutes because I have to walk my labradoodle service animal in the middle of the test.”
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see, sometimes your home runs hypnotize me?
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Sometimes I like to imagine LeMahieu DJ’ing a party on my fantasy teams while Giancarlo, healthy and vibrant, hands out light sticks.
Corey Kluber – Indians said Kluber could be cleared for a throwing program this week. That’s baseball speak for: Hey, other teams, let’s talk chicken, and by ‘chicken’ I mean trades, because you know you want Kluber for the playoffs and we just want anything for him in a trade.
Carlos Carrasco – Played catch on Monday. Cleveland Plain Dealer reported, “The Indians can’t comment on Carrasco’s condition because it is not a baseball-related issue. He is receiving treatment and it is not believed to be life threatening.” That’s about as plain dealing as I’ve heard in a while. Yo, Plain Dealer, maybe you soften up the edges a little bit? Shizz is a little too plain.
Trevor Bauer – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.55. He needed 127 pitches to get thru six and two-thirds, but he’s got a new exercise workout thoough, don’t cha know. With a bit more training, he might be up for a 175-pitch complete game. Honestly, if it comes with a dozen Ks, he can throw 160 pitches every game. Nolan Ryan might enforce his patent, but I say go for it. Love to see Nolan Ryan noogie a patent attorney.
Jake Bauers – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Was out a few days with an ankle injury, but he’s back on the schmotato smokestack with three homers in the last 15 games, and hitting near-.300.
Tyler Naquin – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, 4th homer in eight games. That ain’t Naquin, that’s purple drank!
Tony Gonsolin – 4 IP, 4 ER in his 1st major league start. Fun fact! Gonsolin is also the remedy for goose diabetes.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 26th homer, hitting .354. Imagine you drafted Yelich and Bellinger. I imagine this like John Lennon imagined all kinds of stuff.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (3), hitting .283. Jarrod Dyson (3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) also stole two bags (18, 19) in this game, and Tim Locastro (1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI) stole one (7). Rare in today’s game to see guys steal so many bags, especially on the surehanded Russell Martin…*holds finger to ear bud* Sorry, I’m hearing from Alyssa Milano that’s “cold sore-handed.”
Jake Lamb – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, as he returned from the IL, and immediately pushed Christian Walker to the bench. That is just a brilliant move, but I’m using the archaic definition of brilliant to mean “you got Brillo pads for brains.” This devalues Walker, Lamb and shepherds everywhere.
David Dahl – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 3rd homer in four road games. I’m not saying this recent power surge and all the splendiferousness that has come from Dahl this month is due to my weeks-long badgering of him for not hitting for power, but I will take credit.
German Marquez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Wow, way to take advantage of a cushy matchup in San Fran. How about a road game in a vacuum set to ‘suck?’ And he’d prolly still blow.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 1 run, and his 10th and 11th steals, hitting .327. Reached on one hit that had an expected batting average of .060. If you don’t think FTJ is Fun The Jewels FAST you’re not paying attention.
Franmil Reyes – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, and Hunter Renfroe (1-for-5) also hit his 24th homer. Mean’s while, Wil Myers asked if a putout was 4-3 or 5-3, trying to get a hold of keeping score on the bench.
Pedro Severino – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .278. If you punted catcher, and drafted Pedro Severino and Roberto Perez, you’d have 23 homers. If you drafted Contreras and Realmuto, you’d only have 27 homers.
Willie Calhoun – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .364. Can you get FOMO even without OMO’ing? I dropped Calhoun the other day, stupidly, and he has 14 straight games of getting on base, hustling from 2nd on a sac fly to score and hitting bombs, so I figured for sure someone grabbed him, but he was still there. Still had the F scared out of me, but did not have the OMO.
Danny Santana – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. I know Hunter Pence’s Zombino Revival Story, the Musical is already sold out for its 5-night run at the Kiwanis Club of Arlington in Downtown Rangersville, but can’t they trade Pence so Calhoun, Dannys and Gallo can all play? Though, yesterday was a great start by benching Odor for Antana. *chef’s kiss*
Mike Minor – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.40. The ERA should be reason enough for the fawning over Minor like you’re Gary Glitter, but Minor has two of the top 40 best starts of the season.
Matt Boyd – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Gave up three homers, which was Matthew’s snafu — Mattfu — but any time you’re buttering up a biscuit with 11 Ks, I’d go with that Mattfu — hiYAH!
Brandon Dixon – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 4th homer in the last ten games. I own Bra-Dix (sexy!) in two leagues, have put him in the past two Buy columns and it’s been crickets in the comments about picking him up.
Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Mehlins’ Meh-Yin Chen gave up his inherited runs, and sunk Gallen’s line. Mattingly uses kid gloves to tie his shoes, and invariably trips over his own feet.
Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Anything else against the Mehlins would’ve been unacceptable.
Jason Vargas – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.66. The Ks aren’t surprising in retrospect, Vargas now has a strong inclination for punch outs.
Dominic Smith – 3-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (7) and legs (1), hitting .339, and his 3rd homer in three games. Been real hesitant about touting him because he’s not an everyday player, per se, but per se’s french and what do they know about baseball.
Jeff McNeil – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .351. Haven’t mentioned much how I was telling everyone and their mother (what’s up, cougars?) to draft McNeil in the preseason. I’d be full of shizz if I said I expected this. I thought he was more like Jeff Kent and less like Gregg Jefferies. By the by, I know Jefferies as a punchline, due to his rookie card, and as an average hitter, but I just went to look at his career stats. He had years of 16/46/.342. Holy crap!
Daniel Mengden – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Wow, Daniel Mengden looks like a…*sunglasses on* must stash. High five the crap out of my hand I will not hold it up forever okay if you want to leave me hanging fine. Streamonator says Mengden’s next start is not a great one.
Craig Kimbrel – Headed to Chicago to be activated on Thursday. Fun fact! TSA airport security said Kimbrel is one of the best guys to pat down because of his Golden Arches stance.
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.98. Too bad Kimbrel wasn’t there yesterday, he could’ve worked a solid, yet inconsequential 8th.
Nick Markakis – 1-for-4, 3 RBis and his 7th homer. Sparkakis!
Brian McCann – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Hot take: Every catcher is hitting well. Debate and dissect. Mansplainer, “Actually, everyone is hitting well.”
Tanner Roark – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Imagine looking at Roark and not picking him up. Again, he has a 3.36 ERA. He’s only owned in 16% of ESPN leagues. C’mon, my doodes.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. This game was most noteworthy for Puig not getting tossed out.
Raisel Iglesias – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.86. Let me guess, Raisel didn’t like how he was used. Hayzeus Cristo Iglesias! For those who just found us from Googling “Hayzeus Cristo Iglesias,” welcome. We’re not a Latin church website, but we will accept donations. I guess Michael Lorenzen could be owned, but Lozenge is better than Muslim Mrs. Garrett or Raisel? I don’t know; I doubt it.
Jaime Barria – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.55. Barria goes by the nickname, “I guess I could see streaming him, but he’s not really worth the energy for me to click the mouse three times.” Foolishly, it’s the name he always gives baristas.
Justin Bour – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .190. The Bourbino rises from the ashes of Coke bottles and orphans!
George Springer – 3-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .316. Hello, old friend.
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .310. Hello, younger, old friend.
Kevin Newman – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (5), hitting .326. Hello, Newman.
Corey Dickerson – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .333. He’s not playing anywhere close to every day, but I will cyclops him, because that’s why I purchased all these monocles.
Dario Agrazal – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I believe Agrazal is Spanish for agave, or maybe agave is Spanish, I need to ask Beto. Either way Agrazal was sweet, but it was a spot start, and nothing in his minor league numbers is enticing.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.73, and his third straight meh start. Odorizzi, bro, it’s too early to be limping to the finish line.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .244. If Rosario is seriously hurt, I’m blaming Kiermaier for the Fantasy Baseball Overlord confusing their mojos.
Willy Adames – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Tim Anderson – Hit the IL with a high ankle sprain, and is in a walking boot. So, he’s hurt and the meter maids got him. Great.
Yoan Moncada – Left yesterday’s game limping, due to a knee contusion, after being pelted by a Sale pitch on the legbow. I’m being told he’s day-to-day. I was told this by my dog, Ted. By the way, say what you want about Son of Sam, but if my dog tells me to do something, I’m listening too.
James McCann – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Everyone with the last name starting with “Mc,” should pronounce it Emcee, so it’s Emcee Cann. How do we get this to happen?
Jose Abreu – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .260. Don’t look now but the 1st base position is pretty stacked again. There’s currently 17 1st basemen in the top 100 on the Player Rater, and four guys just behind them knocking on the door.
Andrew Benintendi – Out of the lineup because his legs felt heavy. Benintendi now using excuses from the book, “Why Humans Can’t Live On Jupiter.”
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Just Dong because he deems balls useless.
Matt Barnes – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 6th blown save, ERA at 4.19. Alex Cora has so many better relievers you really have to wonder why he keeps trying to make Barnes a thing. Is Barnes his fetch? This reminds me of all of these teams using garbage pitchers as Openers. It worked for the Rays because they had good pitchers. Just because it’s ‘cool’ to not have a set closer does not mean you should not have a set closer. Brandon Workman’s doing work, man!
Chris Sale – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.82. He was crushed by the White Sox in the classic rivalry of Sox vs. Sox, straight from the pages of Washing Machine Digest. Editor of WMD, “Okay, we’ll be doing a mailbag again next week, but if I get one question about a lost sock or why we’re named after nukes, I will shut this down!”