Yesterday, Kevin Gausman went 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.01. Gausman was being drafted like, “Oh, I guess I’ll punt top starters and take Gausman.” Gausman was being drafted like: Person looking at your draft results, “You didn’t draft an ace.” Person who drafted Gausman, “I think Gausman is my ace.” “No, you need someone like Corbin Burnes or Sandy Alcantara.” I won’t break the record that I continue to break that people continue to ignore. I just want everyone to think about one thing: Pitchers are impossible to rank, thus draft. ERA, Wins and WHIP, to a lesser extent, are heavily influenced by luck. When there’s no luck playing a factor, they’re prone to injuries. You could’ve had Gausman as your ace everywhere. Or, you could’ve had Alek Manoah, who was scorched for 11 runs in 2 2/3 IP in the Florida Complex League. Oh, he’s absolutely going to have a complex, thinking, “Wow, I really suck.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wilmer Flores – Activated from the IL. He was so happy he could cry.

Alex Wood – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.57. Streamonator is soft on Wood’s next, and I don’t disagree. I bet on a bunch of Giants’ starters this year — Manaea, Cobb, Wood — and they’ve been varying levels of garbage, which is odd since the team is doing well, as is odd-year tradition. TRADITION!

Brock Stewart – Hit the IL with elbow soreness. Damn, Brock flew too close to the sun. Brockarus lost his wing!

Joe Ryan – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.44. Regression, much like age, comes for us all.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 18th and 19th homer. Tildaddy says hand me the Phillips head!

Sean Murphy – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Worried on Monday that d’Arnaud might steal all of Murphy’s at-bats this week? Think again, sucka!

Austin Riley – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Also, in this game, Michael Harris II (1-for-4) hit his 7th homer, and Matt Olson hit none. Thanks, Allahson!

Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.44. Each start his ERA stays unnaturally below 3 will be one extra drubbing he takes next year when his ERA is over 5. I do not make these rules.

Jordan Montgomery – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. I’ve come to think of anything under a 4 ERA as ace-like.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and three homers in ten games. Colonel Mustard with a frying pan in a greasy spoon!

Masataka Yoshida – Held out with general soreness. Get back in there before you’re visited by Major Pain!

Garrett Whitlock – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.15. To mangle A Tribe Called Quest, if Whitlock is the key, then show me the door.

Jean Segura – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. “He’s back, baby! He’s so back!” That’s a guy who is in last place seeing he got back his shortstop. Segura is overdue, though, so we’ll see.

Bryan De La Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Imagine having the last name De La Cruz and not being Elly. Sad stuff, Bry-Bry.

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.82. “You stay in bed today.” That’s 2023 Sandy Alcantara talking to this year’s Sandy. He looked the best he’s looked this season, and this start would’ve been roughly his worst start last year.

Jared Young – Was called up by the Cubs for no reason and likely won’t play. In a corresponding move, the Cubs told that jackoff, Miles Masturbatori, to hit the road.

Ranger Suarez – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Pound for pound, I think I get more comments about Suarez, and whether he’s worth picking up. He has a career 3.16 ERA.

Brandon Marsh – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. He hadn’t homered since May 28th, but he is hitting .283, and two homers goes a long way to a schmotato run.

Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .282. Mets have been a mess, but it hasn’t really been Nimmo’s fault.

David Peterson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.00 as he was recalled. The recalling went like this, “I’m pretty sure we have a guy that was supposed to be good that utterly sucks. Dan Peters…something.” Maybe Peterson remembered what made him someone I liked a lot in the preseason. That he threw 110 pitches is, frankly, hilarious, but he looked solid. We’ll see with a monocle.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Ah, the ol’ reverse sell jinx. You never fail to aggravate!

Julio Teheran – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.85. We shall not applaud the downfall of any man, but, God damn right Teheran isn’t really that good!

Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Going one start at a time with him, and yesterday Streamonator loved Bryan. You could say Woo.

Kris Bryant – Starting a rehab assignment. Only another week now until his next injury.

C.J. Cron – 0-for-3 in his first game back. Mean’s while, due to Cron’s return, Nolan Jones was on the bench. *starts to apply lipstick as I draw on my Joker face*

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Just Dong so nice he Just Dong’d twice.

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Figured he was going to throw a no-hitter in Coors, because he’s done everything else.

Matt McLain – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s hitting homers in Camden too? Oh, daddy might need to sit down.

TJ Friedl – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .313. I’m a fan of Friedl — Friendl, if you will. On a side note, is it me (it’s not me) or are there more initialed guys in the majors than ever? Plus, you have some who are like, “No periods between initials.” Here’s some initials, that’s a PITA.

Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 1.21. He can’t keep getting away with it! With that said, Streamonator loves his next one, and I agree.

Tyler Wells – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.21. O’s are playing like Buck Showalter just got fired. Well, Wells has fantasy number two numbers. His fastball and slider, chef’s kiss who says “chef” after every third word like on The Bear.

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, as he returned to where it all started, the soon-to-be Veg-A’s.

Seth Brown – 1-for-2 and his 6th homer. Fun to see the A’s finally meet a worthy opponent, the Yankees. Also, holy crap, Esteury Ruiz already has 40 steals. This isn’t his blurb, but that just caught my eye.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.02, and 3-for-3, with his 27th and 28th homer as he hits .304. He hit two homers, while pitching a gem! He’s treating MLB like the kid in Little League who is clearly too old for Little League. I have become such an Ohstani. He is unreal. The Angels had one of the greatest of all time in Trout, and added a guy better. Incredible.

Michael Kopech – 4 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.08. *waves in front of face* Stinky.

Taj Bradley – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.58. Welp, all good things must come to an end, and Taj wasn’t that good, but things that aren’t that good come to an end too. You can’t carry this in shallower leagues.

Jose Siri – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games. Is he available in leagues? Can we ask Siri?

Merrill Kelly – Hit the IL with a blood clot in his calf, which sounds scary. That word: Clot. Yuck. That’s worse than moist. But Ian Kennedy had a similar issue last year and only missed 15 days, so we’ll see.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Raise the mound!

Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games he’s played, but he doesn’t play every day. So, maybe light schmotato.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Also, in this game, Corbin Carroll (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 17th homer, as he vies for my undying love and Christian Walker (1-for-4) hit his 16th homer. So, Marte, Walker and Corbin respectively have — 15, 16, 17 homers. That means they always have to homer together.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Two games that absolutely didn’t happen.

Ezequiel Duran – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .319. Love that Rangers got healthy and kept playing Duran because he was hitting. I’m farting in your general direction, Bud Black.

Matthew Boyd – Headed for Tommy John surgery. Poor guy. His elbow alone has paid for Dr. James Andrews’s basement bowling alley in the vacation home.

Matt Manning – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15, as he was activated. This was an encouraging start from Manning if you’re a Tigers fan, who has watched their team miss on every pitching prospect for the last 17 years.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .218. Saw someone mention that this was Torkelson’s first barrel in roughly two weeks. Prior to this home run, Torkelson’s OPS was .653; Miggy’s was .654. To keep that in perspective, Miggy retired four years ago.

Brady Singer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.88. Guy who has started Brady Singer every time out because he was supposed to be good then benched him finally last night, “Adios, amigos.” He just tumbled out a window.

Gavin Williams – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Oh, absolutely! *does a Michael Jackson woo-ha dance, Cancel Police break down door and drag me away* While being dragged away, “I’m still jubilant!” Singing, “Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-ko-ssa!” This is why we didn’t drop Gavin after his first start. Now let’s keep it going! Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-ko-ssa! Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-ko-ssa!

Kyle Isbel – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Happy to hear he’s back because when I see his name I think it’s Kyle Isabel Sanford.

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Suwinski’s gonna be approaching 35 homers and people are still gonna be in the comments like, “Hey, Grey. handsome face, you think Suwinski’s for real?”

Rich Hill – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.45.  Streamonator had me grabbing Dick *awkward pause* Mountain for his two-start week, and last night’s was the hard one.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. A brilliant batty call from yours truly! Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than–*steps on a nail* Ow! Damn it!

Nick Gonzales – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Don’t wanna take this too down to Horntown for some rookie nookie, but he hit the ball to dead-center pretty easily. I’m way more intrigued now than I was prior to seeing that.

Yu Darvish – Scratched with illness. Yu, don’t eat the clams that don’t open!