There’s a common term sociologists use called, The Tide of Uze. Everything that encompasses everyday life is on The Tide of Uze. Brushing your teeth, walking your dog, Jose Abreu, they’re all on The Tide of Uze. There’s small pleasures to be found with them, but they’re so consistent they are often lost amongst other more exciting things. However, this past weekend The Tide of Uze was raised by Irma GAWD!, the fantasy football kickoff and me going to a Dodgers game with Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, a frequent commenter who was in town. I didn’t rank those per their importance, I’ll leave that to you. Big weekend for the world, right? (Yes.) With the Tide of Uze raising, it lifts everything that was floating on its surface, which meant Jose Abreu had a career weekend. On Saturday, he hit for the cycle, and, not to be outdone, he homered twice on Sunday (2-for-3, 3 RBIs, home run, 30 and 31). His season numbers are now 85/31/90/.302/1. All preseason I talked about how I wasn’t getting a 1st baseman in the first two rounds, so I was drafting Abreu everywhere, and I was nervous about it. Let’s just say I’ve learned to appreciate The Tide of Uze. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Carson Fulmer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.00. His Triple-A ERA was 5.79 with a 4.6 BB/9. Oh. *drives cross country* Kay.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 4.47. Funny thing is, when I told my doctor I named my ulcer “Samardzija,” he understood completely.
Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.55. “Coming up after the break, ESPN’s 30 for 30 ‘Stupid Injuries That Cost Players Hall of Fame Careers,’ narrated by Plaxico Burress.”
Carlos Gomez – Left Saturday’s game with a twisted ankle. You know what they say? Don’t get it twisted! I’m dripping with hip.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 17th homer, and was in Friday’s Buy. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Rougned Odor – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain and might need a few days to rest. Take the rest of the year off, you effin’ schmohawk!
Aroldis Chapman – Recorded the save on Saturday. Back in the driver’s seat again! Hmm, maybe bad choice of a phrase for a guy that’s been arrested for doing 93 MPH in a 15 MPH school zone.
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-4, 4 runs and his 29th and 30th homer, hitting .280. G. Love and the Special Sanchez is so money he missed about a month of the season and didn’t hit his 5th homer until June.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 40th and 41st homer. Also, he broke Ted Williams’ rookie record for walks in a season. Not to be a hater, but in Williams’ time they used carriages.
Didi Gregorius – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .295. Suddenly, Yankee fans are Don’t Care Bears for Gleyber.
Jimmy Nelson – Diagnosed with a rotator cuff strain and partial anterior labrum tear and will miss the remainder of the season. So, how was your weekend? Step on the cat wearing a Robin Yount jersey for Nelson because that is “Meouch, Milwalkaway!” Knowing the Brewers, they’ll now get an ace performance from Matt Garza for the rest of the season, but this Nelson injury could affect his next season too.
Chase Anderson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at…Any guesses? No? Okay, it’s 2.93. WUT. His projected ERAs from ZiPS and Steamer are around 4.50. His xFIP is 4.52. His career ERA coming into this year was around 4.30. The Brewers’ staff is a bunch of beer goggles. They look incredible until you get a look at them in the honesty of daylight.
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.67. This game was in Wrigley and all I can do is shrug. The Ghost of Harvey Kuenn must be watching over the Brewers’ pitching staff. By the way, you know The Ghost of Harvey Kuenn looks about 40 years older than all other ghosts.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .277, and has officially passed Thames for the Brewers’ home run lead. When a guy hits 28 homers in April, and only against the Reds, it was bound to happen.
Edwin Jackson – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up 3.88. The Regression Fairies are tireless in their pursuit of overachieving starters, and skinny jeans.
Stephen Strasburg – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.64. It’s gonna be real hard for him to beat his teammate, Scherzer, in Cy Young voting, but Strasburg has easily cemented himself as one of the best pitchers in baseball if he stays healthy. Granted, that ‘if’ is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .280. He’s not Altuve yet because he hasn’t played a 155-game season, but I’m chomping at the bit like Pac-Man looking forward to drafting Trea in 2018. Can you say, “115/15/65/.295/55?” If not, you might need a speech therapist.
Ben Lively – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Not to sound like a broken record, but this time of the year I’d lean heavily on the Stream-o-Nator, and if a guy doesn’t have a solid next start, I’d move on. For what it’s Werth, you can get a 3-day free trial for your H2H playoffs, so it’s worth nothing. Not to sound like a broken record, but–Sorry.
Matt Andriese – 1/2 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.46. Only one person you can blame here, it is Andriese’s fault. Nothing seismic about it.
Steven Souza – MRI was negative on his knee after he crashed into a wall at Fenway. “Souza’s supposed to march, not run.” That’s the Boston Pops conductor.
Alex Colome – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.02 and his 43rd save. Yet, in March, you really needed Melancon and Britton, never fully grasping SAGNOF!
Lucas Duda – 2-for-5 and his 29th homer, and 2nd homer in his last three games, though that wasn’t in the Rays last three since Duda gets platooned. Though, with a name like Duda, should be called a Plouffe-toon.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I get the sense I’m gonna draft Ramos in a lot of leagues next year. Not saying I’ll hold him past April 5th, but the shine feels fully off him now.
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.94. Okay, okay, so it wasn’t awful, but you can’t tell me a guy like Berrios gets one K and he’s not tired. Like a guy who was a roadie too long, I ain’t hearin’ it.
Jason Vargas – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Bunch of pitchers yesterday went five innings, huh? Must be from the stress of your H2H playoffs.
Tyler Glasnow – Finally called up. Well, that took forever. I already gave you my Tyler Glasnow fantasy. Here’s my take: If you start him, he’ll be great; if I start him, 5 Ernies in 3.2 IP haha *cocks hammer, smashes hammer into head* I would grab him in most leagues where I was hurting for pitching; he has looked legit in the minors, as my other post went into.
Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.25. This offseason we’re gonna hear Nova’s 2nd half was an elaborate prank staged by Ray Searage.
Tommy Pham – Out with vision problems. From where I’m standing, he looks 20/20! Am I “raised-underlined-100” or what?!
Michael Wacha – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.99. There’s this whole subset of pitchers this year who are barely ownable in fantasy yet under a 4.00 ERA. I call them number two starters.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .280, and his 2nd homer in as many games. If you were to graph his power across his career, the line would look like a polygraph of O.J.
Noah Syndergaard – Scratched from his simulated game on Sunday with general soreness. Meanwhile, Major Asshole said you shouldn’t have drafted him.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 20th steal. Three homers this week, and hitting near-.350 in the last week. I had him in Friday’s Buy, and he’s still hitting.
Dominic Smith – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .210. Don’t tell Tehol but we have a Dominic with a ‘brown’ complexion.
Jose Peraza – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st and 22nd steal. I’m chasing steals, and, because of that, I’ve owned Peraza for the last few weeks through thick and thin, until death do us yadda yadda, as I said at my wedding vows, just in case I needed to annul.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .304. I have some hashtag truth for you: even if Cozart stayed healthy all year, he’d only play 130 games. The Reds baby this guy so much with playing time I’m surprised Bryan Price doesn’t wear a manssiere with the nipple area removed.
Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers of the year. He’s been playing every day, and was in Prospector Ralph’s top 200 prospects. Looks like a guy that has power and speed, but neither in abundance. And the Teoscar for blandest rookie call-up goes to…Well, there’s only one Teoscar, so come up and get your award.
Brad Ziegler – Has been unavailable due to a back issue. ‘Has been’ feels very appropriate there. Kyle Barraclough is the guy to grab in case Ziegler can’t go this week. He gave up runs on Saturday, but Bearclaw has been fairly shutdown this year. Ugh, a Bearclaw sounds so good; this Whole30 diet is killing me. *hears Cougs in head* It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle.
Dallas Keuchel – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ER up to 3.03. No joke, pitching is so bad everywhere, I’m currently nursing a 3.61 ERA in a 12-team league for ten points. Due to so-called aces like Keuchel, everyone is falling back, and I’m starting no one, just trying to hold on.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hmm, so no more Olson? Wait, Matt Olson homered too! He went 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 17th homer. And Ryan Healy hit his 24th homer, but let’s just call him Matt Healy to go with the rest of the A’s team.
Zack Godley – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Only to have his win obliterated by Rodney. Now you know why you get no respect!
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Hayzeus Cristo, this guy is like an erotic novel I never want to stop reading. I will call him, “Fifty Shades of Ray.”
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer. Au Shizz!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 36th and 37th homer. Um, guys and five girl readers, Just Dong has only played in 102 games with 367 ABs.
Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.33, and his 16th win. I just realized what Bauer’s doing, he’s having Rick Porcello’s Cy Young year, only with a little less luck on his ERA.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. Hey, I found some Coca-Cola stock certificates from the 1950’s. Y’all, can kiss my ass, I’m rich! I’m just going to dry them by the window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Alex Wood – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.81. All foolsies aside, I’d bet Wood is not healthy. Not like he doesn’t have a long history of that. Hey, you guys had a good run, but if you’re counting on him right now, you’re playing with house money and you’re losing it back to the house.
Andrew Heaney – Left Saturday’s start with a sore shoulder. Maybe he can have Garrett Richards’ doctor look at it. “So, you say it’s your knee bothering you, son?” “No, it’s my–” Then The Sciosciapath shushes Heaney and lets the doctor continue.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. There’s at least a 50% chance he hits another home run in his next game, and a 20% chance I’m right. Math!
Jean Segura – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .300. The smelling salts are finally working!
Erasmo Ramirez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Now has six straight starts where he’s gone six innings and has given up three runs or less. All came after the Rays traded him to the M’s. Yo, the Rays had a weird way of going about being buyers at the deadline.
Andrew Albers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Fun fact! He gets calls all the time to see if he stocks certain grocery items. Very frustratingly, he tells them, “No, I am Albers’ son, not Albertsons.” As for fantasy, he keeps pitching solid games, but his peripherals are ugly.
James Paxton – Will return on Friday, which lines up his next DL stint for mid-November. When his bae tells him to take out the garbage, he’s gonna be like, “Sweetcheeks, my rotator cuff. It’s throbbing like a pain metronome!”