I means…The average of all Johns divided by X is the Means, and he stands in the middle of the field on the mound, so Means is also the Median. I am your math wizard! Bow down while I don a top hat with sparkles and flair! Who told you to draft John Means in every league? Was it…*takes a pause long enough to fly around the globe ten times in a prop plane*…me? Really? Damn, sounds like a smart guy, who drifts in and out of third person. Yesterday, John Means went 9 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 0 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.37. John Means not getting a perfect game because of a dropped third strike is just another way baseball is very accessible to a new generation of fans. As for Means, I’d say I told you so, but clearly it’s very obvious I told you so, so (stutterer!) we’ll move on without embarrassing anyone. *dons very embarrassing cape and top hat* Toodles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yusei Kikuchi – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Okay, he pitches well every start, how is his ERA still above 4? Who’s gumming up Kikuchi’s ERA?
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.92. I mean this sincerely, I wonder if the people who have such a hard time drafting or rostering Sonny Gray, if they’ve watched him pitch. He’s just as unhittable as anyone when he’s going right. Does he have moments when he’s not going right? Sure, but don’t make an NFT out of it.
Joey Votto – Fractured his thumb–ACKUALLY, that’s passive. Dallas Keuchel fractured Votto’s thumb–ACKUALLY, Part 2: Love ACKUALLY, Dallas Keuchel’s pitch fractured Votto’s thumb. Votto said of the injury, “I knew I was in pain, but I thought I was being a baby.” A baby that knows how to walk, amiright?! So, who plays 1st? I say let Eugenio play short and 1st simultaneously. Not like he’s catching anything at short anyway. The smart move would be Moistasskiss to 1st, Eugenio to 3B and anyone else at short. I guess Tyler Stephenson, and Kyle Farmer could see time at 1st base too.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.79. Would love to see Keuchel traded to the Yankees. Not because I care about Keuchel or the Yankees, but I just want him to shave that nasty-ass beard. Side note (like the rest of these aren’t side notes): Tony La Russa ran Liam Hendricks on the bases in the 10th inning, instead of, ya know, not him. When Tony was told after the game that he could’ve subbed in someone else, he replied, “Make sure to spay and neuter your pets.” Tony La Russa’s Hall of Fame plaque should end with TBD.
Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.38. I don’t think I had enough bench spots for all the terrible pitching lines I had yesterday. Good stuff! Which is not what Peralta had yesterday.
Tyrone Taylor – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Have mentioned this before but it truly is special how the best Brewers hitters are bench guys. You’d think Counsell would play them. The key part of that sentence is “you’d think.”
Jose Alvarado – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 4.00. Is Hector Neris still the closer? I say, no, because I grabbed Alvarado, but Neris likely is, and Alvarado was used to face lefties. Alvarado should be the closer. Also, behind Alvarado, I love Sam Coonrod, who throws 100 on the paint, and that’s not him buying pastels for his kid’s room.
Didi Gregorius – and his 4th homer. Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see, sometimes your homers hypnotize me?
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .349. How about next year we play with 10 UTIL slots and that’s it?
Casey Mize – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.41. I wanna like Mize. I wanna raise bunting that reads, “MIZE” in a pool hall and explain to everyone it’s for Casey Mize and not Steve Mizerak. Alas, I just can’t.
Jeimer Candelario – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .284. If I were the Tigers, I’d hit Jeimer leadoff, then call timeout, have him go to City Hall, change his name and come back and hit 2nd, and just keep doing that. You might be able to get a notary to come to the stadium to avoid the City Hall detour.
Luke Weaver – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.07, as he went up against the powerhouse, MIA Marlins. The MIA is for their missing offense. What a crock of giant turds this start was and I can’t continew–Damn, I was typing the previous by banging my head on the keyboard. Not bad, huh? Streamonator likes his next start, and I’ll be starting him, because I’m a glutton for punishment, and not glutton-free.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .196. I was on the air with Craig Mish, the Marlins’ beat writer, when this game was happening, and he put it to me best, “Not sure the Marlins have scored six runs all year.” Yes, this is me still being bitter about Luke Weaver!
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-7, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 4th homer. Au Shizz!
Paul DeJong – 2-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Colonel Mustard in the library with a shush.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.12. He’s throwing so well maybe he’s envisioning pitching to Lindor.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Villar was at shortstop in the nightcap so Lindor could count if there’s more zeroes in $300 million or his oh-fers. Mentioned this yesterday though, with Davis IL’d, Villar should see more ABs.
Jake Marisnick – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many days. Hard to recommend a hot schmotato with Asternisk, but he does seem to be hitting.
Adbert Alzolay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners (1 BB), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50. This was a huge step forward for him. The Dodgers are a powerhouse of OBP, and Alzolay came into this year with severe command issues. Maybe I can ping CoolWhip about doing a full breakdown of Alzolay, because his peripherals 10.4 K/9, 2.4 BB/9 are shouting step forward, and he has to be available in a lot of leagues.
Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .221. Nice of him to take time out from walking to homer. Muncy has 29 walks this year to 21 hits. Does he follow the National Walkers Association rules that a foot must always been on the ground? If you try to walk with both feet up at the same time, then LA’s branch of NWA can get Gangsta, Gangsta.
Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Also, he had two DBs*, which were seen because his pants are so tight. *Doodie bubbles.
Mitch Garver – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .208. I was curious if he was getting unlucky on his average, so I opened his player page and when did Mitch Garver become Joey Gallo? He has a near-40% strikeout rate. He’s actually lucky he’s not hitting .170, as he did last year.
Luis Garcia – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.28. For a young pitcher, this is a Quality Start in Yankee Stadium. Streamonator hates his next start, but he’s the kind of guy who the Streamonator won’t like all year.
Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (zero walks), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.41. JoMo is so yawnstipating mah gawd. Is he the most boringest pitcher ever? Preceding was texted to me by a 14-year-old Yankee fan. I agree with her.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .314. I love Giancarlo; I call my gotchies — Gotchiecarlos. Yet, I wouldn’t trust him to stay healthy until it’s the last week of September and he’s healthy.
Hunter Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, 3rd in the last four games, and I am such a big big dummy that I dropped Dozier and I can’t think of a better adjective than saying big twice. Hot schmotato, obviously.
Brady Singer – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.41. I’m a fan, hence an apologist, but Singer was cruising until the 6th when everything went south in the matter of two batters like a marble loaf.
Josh Naylor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1), hitting .272. That’s his 2nd homer in three games, and multiple hits in three of his last four, and hot schmotato alert!
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .279. Okay, seriously, I was told in the preseason that Lindor leaving would kill Jo-Ram’s value. What’s up?
Jake McGee – Lost the sole closer job. Gabe Kapler hung his feet around a pull-up bar, as he did crunches and announced Tyler Rogers would see save opportunities. If I had to speculate on only one, I’d go with Rogers. Go with the guy who has at least been good.
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer, hitting .244. Any guesses how many homers he has? Yeah, you’re too low. No, not 25. That’s too high, c’mon. He has six. Surprising.
Jon Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Have him in one 15-team mixed league, and dropped him in another 15-team mixed league. The one where I dropped him was a daily league, and I just couldn’t stomach trying to decide to start him or not. Jon Gray is like Dorian Gray but instead of in my attic, he’s on my fantasy team, and every time I look at him I age five years.
JT Brubaker – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.78. The Padres are so lifeless right now, but we’re due for a Brubaker check-in. Wow, his numbers look good! Yo, he’s better than Mitch Keller? When did that happen? He has a 10.3 K/9, 2.2 BB/9 and a 93 MPH 4-seamer, producing a .175 xBA, and it looks like it pairs well with his curve, that no one’s got a hit off of all year, though he throws it less than 10% of the time. The slider is the real secondary, and it’s been a 39% Whiff rate. Good check-in, I like Brubaker more now than I did before this. Likely more of a shallow-team mixer hold than streamer.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.14. The 2.8 BB/9 says everything. No idea if it continues, but, with his stuff — and I’m not talking about his tight pants — if he has an under-3 BB/9, he plays everywhere.
Ramon Laureano – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .254. Also on pace for a 40/40 season. Cust kayin’.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .204. Gonna be a little while before I forget that I could’ve had Chapman off waivers in my RCL and my waiver claim wasn’t high enough because I cycle through waiver claims like an absolute madman.
Lou Trivino – 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.15, as he entered the game in the 8th. “Marty, we have to go back!” “What’s the matter, Doc? Is it my kids? Are they…assholes?” “No, it’s every closer.” I continue to roster Jake Diekman.
William Contreras – 2-for-4. 2 runs and his 1st homer. Gaga googoo, Baby Contreras with his first boomstick!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .205. OZUNA hit well in nation’s capital. OZUNA say call me, “OZUNA KENNEDY.”
Max Fried – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 8.44, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “You know that thing on people’s desk’s with metal balls bouncing back and forth? Sometimes I feel like I have one in my head.”
Anthony Rendon – Hit the IL with a knee contusion. X-rays came back negative but Rendon never wasted the opportunity to miss two weeks. Good for him, playing hurt is for sissies who try to prove their tough guys. Real men take take an L and say, “IL.”
Shohei Ohtani – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 6 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.41. It’s impossible to not smile seeing what he does. He’s like a congenial Jordan.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .193. “If we fill his shirt with chum, then we can toss him in the shark tank at Sea World–Wait! Lowe’s moving! He’s alive!”
Diego Castillo – Hit the IL with a groin strain. A B&W news reel plays GIs COME HOME TO HOT BISCUITS! AND THAT’S NOT GASTOENTEROLOGISTS! The picture flickers and out walks, Peter Fairbanks, the new potential Rays closer. Title flashes: Welcome to the Last Pitcher of a Game Show. Peter holds a woman, dressed in long-flowing gown, in his arms and says, “Thanks for grabbing me off waivers. You’re my kind of dame,” then Jeffrey Springs steps in and is like, “What is this shizz?” So, Jeffrey Springs, the lefty, went 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.21, and got the 1st post-Castillo save. Ryan Thompson (1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.40, worked the 7th/8th) is also there. In my leagues, I went with the box office matinee idol, newly activated Peter Fairbanks.