Finally, the phrase ‘riding my jock’ could be used in the Dodgers’ clubhouse without referencing Alyssa Milano. Joc Pederson went 1-for-3, 2 RBIs with his 15th homer in the 1st game of the doubleheader, then 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 16th homer in the 2nd game of the doubleheader. He now has a .260 average to go with the 16 homers and 2 steals. Oh, bee tee dubya, he has 30-steal speed, we just haven’t seen it yet! I don’t even own him and he makes me goose pimply and go humma-humma-humma and get warm and fuzzy and make me want to dip my hand into wax and walk into Madame Tussaud’s and say, “I’m Tom Selleck from the third floor.” How is it even possible I like a guy I don’t own? Am I getting empathic unlike Alice in Luther? This isn’t coming out of nowhere either. He had the PCL’s first and only 30/30 year in 2014. First time in 80 years someone had done that in the PCL. Not since Trout has a player gone from rookie to the first round, but this Joc has the tools! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Guerrero – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Started the 1st game, but didn’t start Monday in Coors or the 2nd game of the doubleheader yesterday. He then entered as a defensive replacement late in the 2nd game, and hit a grand slam. It’s like Mattingly is succeeding despite himself. Mattingly said, “I need to get everyone their share of playing time.” He said that while not moving his lips, but moving the lips of a handmade sock puppet. He added, “You stink,” addressing the sock puppet.
Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Well, yeah, he’s in Coors, where he’s hit, like, 75% of his homers the past three years.
Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. When Hernandez got back to the dugout and exclaimed, “You can’t keep this Kike down,” the Dodgers weren’t sure if they should high-five him or call Rabbi Shmulewitz to help with sensitivity training.
Ben Paulsen – 3-for-8 and his 4th homer in the 1st game of the doubleheader. I think pitchers have trouble pitching while laughing at Paulsen’s mustache.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Glad you got the message. Could someone ping CarGo (3-for-8, 1 run)?
Brandon Barnes – 4-for-7, 1 run, 2 RBIs. This goes for DJ LeMahieu (4-for-10, 2 runs, 1 RBI), Nick Hundley (3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) or any hitter in Coors, I’d play any of them in a daily league.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-8, 1 run as he played right field for the first game of the doubleheader. Lousy weather + a shoulder that makes it impossible for him to throw = Plays right field. No, the math is wrong there. Should equal “Shortly a DL stint for Bautista.”
Edwin Encarnacion – Didn’t start on either side of the doubleheader due to a leg issue. I wonder if he’s got Jimmy leg. Cougs has that and it drives me nuts!
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (3, 4). I could make this about me and how I benched Pillar this week for Span, who’s not even playing, but Pillar obviously doesn’t care about me. *stomps off, steps in something squishy* Cougs, the dog went mess!
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks in the first game of the doubleheader that felt phoned in by both teams offenses. Be cool to be in that India call center phoning in at-bats. “Chagadwari, you are hitting third and your name will be Bryce. Understood?” “This is so much better than when I was phoning in as the Defense Minister of Iraq.”
Denard Span – Didn’t start in the doubleheader due to knee discomfort. Ted Knight and JJ Bullock always made their discomfort work for them.
Stephen Strasburg – Effin Stressbird says he’s dealing with a left trapezius strain. What’s he doing? Cirque du Soleil stunts in his spare time? Stop your flips in imaginary boxes and start pitching! Supposedly, it’ll only take a few days for this to heal. My question then, why in bloody hell wasn’t he shut down a month ago for a few days?! Does no one care about my ratios but me?
Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.88. “Hello, my name is Justin Soak–Excuse me, Smoak, and I am going to help walk you through setting up your DVR and bat cleanup.”
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was outdueled by Marco Estrada (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks). Shh…I’m listening for The Twilight Zone music. Yelling out the window, “Scherzer was outdueled by Marco Estrada! Rod Serling, are you out there?”
Shelby Miller – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 1.89. The Regression Fairies love Depeche Mode, they call their guy friends ‘sister,’ and they will not let anyone’s ERA escape their clutches.
Ender Inciarte – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and two steals (7, 8), hitting .291. There’s no Ender in sight! — Me, at my waivers.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I kinda want to own all Diamondbacks hitters. They’re like Coors-lite, cold, on a hot day, with no other beverage in sight for miles.
Todd Cunningham – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. These were Cunningham’s first hits in a week. So, sit on it, er, him.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.92. It feels like quibbling to complain about one earned run, but I’m a quibbler, y’all! The run the Royals scored was the epitome of Carrasco’s unlucky ERA. Moustakas is on first, pitch in the dirt that bounces maybe a foot away and Moustakas gets to 2nd because Gomes looks like he should’ve went to extended spring training for another month. Next, a grounder moves Moustakas to third that should’ve been a double play, erasing him. Finally, Moustakas scores when Carrasco should’ve been out of the inning. Right now, I feel like Carrasco’s mom or Boras, but he shouldn’t have that run on his ERA!
Brandon Moss – 3-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .251. Moss is fine, and this is likely unfair, but I saw him homer and even his home run was boring. I wish Abreu would hit some boring homers.
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was called up to take over a spot in the rotation until Iwakuma, Paxton or a player to be named later comes back. I believe Player To Be Named Later was acquired by the Mariners for Adam Jones. Montgomery was once a decent name on the prospect scene. Keith Law likely said something a long while ago that in hindsight makes no sense, but Monty Gomer has a whole lot of shine off of him, and struggled just to get to Triple-A, which he did last year, and hasn’t looked very good there (4+ ERA, 7-ish K/9). In AL-Only leagues, you grab him now, but in mixed leagues, I’d wait to see how he looks.
Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 1st blown save in this game. Rodney enters the game and it’s like a all aboard the “Mariners Are Gonna Lost” train. Lloyd Christmas McClendon should be fired today if he doesn’t say Carson Smith is the closer by noon. I’ll even give him until PST!
Austin Jackson – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI with his 7th steal and has been hitting since he returned from the DL. Get ’em while they’re hot!
Jacoby Ellsbury – Still a month away. On the bright side, there’s only thirty days in June.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.90 as he returned from mild elbow soreness. He was more successful getting out of the woods of arm trouble than Little Red Riding Hood. What? My agent says I need to appeal to a younger demographic.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .294. Yes, he’s far from exciting, and he’s not hitting over the last week, but… Was there a but here? Oh, he’s leading off, so there’s that.
Marlon Byrd – Fractured his wrist yesterday. After the game, he said, “Well, they can never trade me back to the Phillies, so I’m good.”
Chase Utley – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .207. Which sounds terrible, but he was hitting .107 about three weeks ago. Though, you really only need to hit .250 to raise your average to .200 from .100. Never the hoo! Utley has been hot schmotato’ing.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Getting hot just in time for Prospect Mike to unveil his life-sized Maikel made from melted Cow Tales.
Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.82. For s’s and g’s, let’s look at Buchholz’s ERA since I told you to buy him. In 37 IP, his ERA is 1.95. *blows on knuckles, rubs knuckles on shirt, realizes there was tomato sauce on my knuckles* Cougs, where’s the Zout?
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 3rd steal. Fantasy value from Xander? What did we do to deserve such wonderful? We are not worthy of such a bestowment, we are not.
Khris Davis – Timetable for his return is four to six weeks. We’ll mhiss you.
Scott Kazmir – Will return to the rotation on Friday in Fenway. You’ve just made Buzzfeed’s listicle for the people with the worst timing.
Noah Syndergaard – 4 IP, 7 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks. Wait, wait, I know that impression! Cashner from the previous night? Wow, Noah’s like the Rich Little of fantasy baseball! Yesterday, Syndergaard gave his fantasy owners a roofie and made team’s ERAs butts thor.
Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Still no injury to him? Don’t worry, by this time next week. Mark my words. Not literally! You’re drawing on your computer!
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Yonder Alonso – 3-for-4, 2 runs as he returned from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your lineup…If you have no better options.”
Derek Norris – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Maybe stashing Yan Gomes for a month, dropping Norris and playing Gomes immediately wasn’t the best move. Don’t worry, I’m sure Wieters will surprise you.
Cory Spangenberg – 3-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th steal. I thought when Alonso returned there wouldn’t be room for Spangenberg, but he found his way. Didn’t the Padres spend $400 million this offseason? Was Spangenberg, the accountant, included?
Chris Archer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (0 BBs), 15 Ks, ERA at 2.01. I see his line and I feel like Dixie Carter, and I want to hold a handkerchief to my forehead and faint histrionically.
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I think he’s approaching a record for the longest hot schmotato run previously held by Ryan Ludwick.
Tyler Cravy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Not a great pitcher for fantasy, but he had a nice major league debut, so it’s all Cravy from here.
Lance Lynn – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Made a start vs. the Brewers look easy. “Well, yeah!” said every other major league pitcher.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting .299, and in this game Mark Reynolds went 1-for-3, 1 RBI. I mention them together because they’re both seeing everyday at-bats, but at the bottom of the lineup, which makes them great NL-Only plays, but pretty yawnstipating for mixed leagues.
Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.33. You, “Okay, if he gives up three runs or less, I’ll keep him.” *McHugh pitches* Ugh, Grey, what should I do?
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd in two days. Hot schmotato alert!
Mike Wright – 5 IP, 5 ER. Yeah, well, he’s a streamer and the Stream-o-Nator hates his next start.
Chris Heston – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. So, I’m gonna go tot eh bathroom, but just keep an eye on my drink, okay, new friend whose name I don’t know? *five hours later* Hey, how come it’s so drafty in here, it feels almost like my body is cut open to remove my kidney. AH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Okay, so I don’t believe in him, but it would be nice to own him.
Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .292. Wow, he got his average back up fast, right? Chuck in like fifteen steals and we’re all good.
Rajai Davis – Left the team on paternity leave. When the King of SAGNOF returns, there will be a new prince of SAGNOF for Anthony Gose to diaper and swaddle.
Alfredo Simon – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. How is his ERA so low? Between innings, does Alfredo visit the scorekeeper with a glock, an Asian kid and a handful of firecrackers, tossing them sporadically to set the mood like he’s in Boogie Nights?
James McCann – 2-for-3, hitting .288. He’s totally whatever, but on a broader note, the Tigers have looked like hot garbage on the surface of Uranus (hehe) for about a month.
Drew Pomeranz – Bob Melvin confirmed Pomeranz was demoted to the bullpen. After Billy Beane told Melvin exactly what to say.
Kendall Graveman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.56. Yesterday, Alfredo Simon faced Graveman, which was for, like, the billionth time probably.
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. If he gets hot, then great, but I’m not a fan of Zobrist and he hasn’t been good for fantasy in about three years, and, unlike another Benjamin, he’s not getting younger.
Jorge Soler – Will have an MRI on his ankle on Wednesday and I told you to sell him three weeks ago. Cust kayin’.
Kris Bryant – 0-for-4 as he started in left field. Obviously you want to start him at 3rd base, but I wouldn’t kick extra eligibility out of bed. Rawr!
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. What’s his ERA since you told us to buy him? Shut up, Random Italicized Voice. What’s the matter? Verkylempt? I watched a piece of this game, and three of his earned runs came against OZUNA when it looked like Hendricks was about to get out of the inning. I’d continue to hold him, if you have room.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Someone say OZUNA? OZUNA hear name. OZUNA has good hearing even if all caps name belies that.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 9 ER, ERA up to 4.68. Samardzija they come, Samardzija they fall, nine earned runs and all. I will give this to Samardzija, whether he’s pitching good or bad, he always throws a lot of pitches. Well, on the “he’s pitching good” part of that, I’m going off of memory, and it’s a bit hazy. Guys and five girls, you can’t carry Alphabet Soup in leagues shallower than 14 teams. His peripherals aren’t screaming dud, but they’re also not screaming huge bounce back, come, get some, you little bum, I take the cake and you can’t get a crumb.
Adam Eaton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Because, of course, I just dropped him two days ago. *Lisa Simpson groan*
Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 7th steal, and 3rd steal in two games. Hey, maybe he saw his fantasy ownership numbers dip and decided to do something about it. I grabbed him in one league, for what it’s Wuertz.
Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as the Rangers scored 15 runs on the White Sox and ran the Choo Choo train.
Joey Gallo – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Well, howdy doodie to you too, pal! Looks like Gallo can recognize a hanging…curveball, that is. Rudy wanted me to point out the projections for Gallo’s righty splits. Hello, Chris Davis! I was a bit tepid about Gallo yesterday, but I will say this, he does seem like the type of guy that could surprise the whole league and hit eight homers in 20 games before people realize how they need to pitch to him.
Josh Hamilton – Sat out yesterday due to soreness. The one cool thing about Hamilton is how he forces reporters to find positive things to say no matter what the circumstances. Let’s try! Hamilton sat out yesterday with soreness, which meant he couldn’t hit four homers in a game, and force the entire stadium to give him a curtain call, because standing can be a pain for those with a box of nachos resting on their lap.
