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“Jeimer real boy,” says Jeimer Candelario, as his nose, labeled with Louisville Slugger’s insignia, grows. Gepetto clears his throat and sits Jeimer down for a heart-to-heart. “Jeimer, I saw you went 5-for-6, 2 RBIs with your 6th and 7th homer in yesterday’s doubleheader.” Jeimer tells him again, “Jeimer a real boy.” Jeimer’s nose-bat grows a little bit more. Gepetto looks at Jeimer’s stats from the last week, “Wow, three homers in four games, and hitting near-.400 in the last seven.” Jeimer, losing his temper, restates, “Jeimer real boy!” Gepetto shrugs, “Works for me,” and Gepetto whittles Jeimer’s nose into a club, and applies pine tar to its tip. So, Jeimer Candelario has been one of the hottest nose-bats in the leagues, recently. Wasn’t entirely by design when I benched Nelson Cruz in one league for Jeimer Candelario, but it actually has worked out better than planned. Jeimer will also be in the Buy column later today. To read it right now, join our Patreon. It’s $5, the cost of 15 minutes on a NYC parking meter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! Before we get into today’s roundup, just gonna pimp (simp?) out our Fantasy Football Tools. Go there and subscribe for them. Anyway II, the roundup:

Giovanny Gallegos – Left with a groin injury. Coincidentally, I’m the jerk-off hoping his groin is okay. I grabbed Andrew Miller in all leagues where I could, but it could be John Gant, or a combination of both of them.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.02. He’s projected for 37 innings this year. Or, ya know, one good month in every other season.

Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (1). Look at this Barrel-Chested Donkey legging out steals and ding-donging around the bases like a BCD!

Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Considering I have Travis d’Arnaud in one league, and he seems to get benched every other game, it’s been kinda fun owning Molina this year in another league, and his breathless desire to play nearly every game.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Au Shizz!

Rangel Ravelo – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Rangel Ravelo is shortened to Rango, and is voiced by none other than Johnny Depp!

Lane Thomas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and 1st homer. This guy is supposed to be a base stealer. Hey, stay in your Lane!

Tommy Edman – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and a caught stealing for a slam and the “I have no legs” guy from the movie Kids.

Brady Singer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.66, as he threw 119 pitches as he went for a no-hitter. Brady was hoping to put the no-hitter ball in his trophy case along with his elbow tendon. As someone who has actually owned Singer in one league (don’t ask), this start sprayed the eau de toilet on some of my Pab-Lo funk from Wednesday. “There’s a story…” as Brady Singer is colloquially known, gets the Tigers next and I could see the stream, but it’s not without its risk, after he was taxed in this start.

Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (13). “He’s back, baby, he’s back,” I scream at a cardboard cutout of myself I have on the couch.

Edward Olivares – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Can’t help but feel like the Royals are going to be the next Padres, but maybe that’s because they have Olivares, Franchy and Mondesi, who is not an ex-Padres player but is excitement personified.

Maikel Franco – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. Wanna cry? Why not, right? Maikel’s been as valuable as Vlad Jr. on our Player Rater.

Sean Manaea  – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.46, as he was lifted after 61 pitches. Sean Manaea would’ve thrown a 61-pitch complete game if this were a 7-inning game, but it was not. It was one of those old fuddy-duddies that goes nine innings. What is this 1902?! Or 2019?! This is 2020, you old fuddy-duddy! Yes, I get a nickel every time I write fuddy-duddy, you old fuddy-duddy! If you use fuddy-duddy, I get your nickels too, you fuddy-duddy!

Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. There hasn’t been that many bright spots for ‘son, outside of the 12 homers, but he took a walk earlier in the game, that might read as whatever, but it was a solid eight-pitch at-bat, and better than I had seen in some time.

Justin Verlander – Could be back by the end of the month. Cool, if the Astros have a team outbreak and can’t play for two weeks, then have to play 15 doubleheaders from September 27-30th, Verlander could make ten starts.

Jose Urquidy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.72, and he only threw 88 pitches, because these non-fuddy-duddies who are young don’t throw a lot of pitches. Streamonator loves his next satrt though, and I can dig it.

Tarik Skubal – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.27. Hey, thanks for hosting me at this Afghani bar and grill, I’m just gonna leave my Shasta on the counter and hit the head, mind watching my drinkie-poo? *four hours later* Whoa, I must’ve fell asleep. Hey, is that guy using my jaw for a mechanical claw? AHHHH!!! Roofie!

Sam Huff – Called up by the Rangers. Prospect Itch had him in his top 150 prospects for fantasy baseball (barely, but there!), and said, “2019 Futures Game MVP Sam Huff combines basically all the traits needed to be an everyday catcher in the big leagues, all the way down to the batter-by-batter game-planning. The job seems teed up for him to take in 2021 if he hits this year. Speaking of hits, I wanna hit Grey.” What the eff, my dude? Huff looks at least a year off from mixed league relevance, having only High-A experience, but we’ll see if he gets at-bats.

Kyle Gibson – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.14. Real question, how is Kyle Gibson in the major leagues? Better question, how is it I still own him on fantasy teams? Best question, am I dumb?

Jared Walsh – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two days. What a heartwarming story about a kid that was once on a milk carton that is now a hot schmotato.

Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Okay, just learning about this guy and he seems kinda good. Can anyone confirm or deny?

Dylan Bundy – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Time to get down to brass tax. Tax my silver and copper, and leave my brass alone! Now, getting down to brass tacks about Bundy, where does he rank next year for starters? Feels like a top 30-40 starter to me, which is huge jump after only a month-plus of baseball.

Dallas Keuchel – Hit the IL with “We’re in the playoffs, take a 10-day spritz and get your wagon on its wheels.”

Dustin May – Was hit by a comebacker on the foot, and left the game after an inning. His freckles didn’t shield him so I don’t know why even bother having them.

Walker Buehler – Hit the IL with “Yo, have you seen the Dodgers’ record? They have more wins than there are games.”

Mookie Betts – 0-for-3 as he started at 2nd base. Please let this cursed season bestow on us Betts with 2nd base eligibility. Bestow on Betts, Betts bestow, Bettstow! Make it happen!

Corey Seager – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer. His homer counted, but just barely since it was off Madison Bumgarner, The Human Gopherball.

Jake Lamb – Designated for assignment. Lamb? Shish!

Sonny Gray – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.94. Welp, he sucks too. Never trust a Gray/Grey. He was cruising through three innings, when I was watching him, then returned…Sigh, I can’t take my eyes off my boy. His next start is vs. the Pirates, so hard to not start him for that, and I hope I don’t regret saying that.

Willson Contreras – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .261. Cubs only have fifteen games left and Contreras’s average went up 22 points in one game. 2021’s rankings are gonna be all over the place. How much do you even trust someone like Mondesi hitting .200? He’s three good games away from hitting .255 and having twice as many steals as everyone else.

Tommy Milone – Hit the IL with “The same shizz Keuchel has.”

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. As Mr. Exposition would say, “If I’m a pitcher, I want no part of the Braves right now.”

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (5), hitting .286. Tildday says you can shut off his favorite commercial!

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .310. The Braves have scored 262 runs on the year, that’s a hundy more than the Pirates and Rangers.

Jose Peraza – Optioned to the alternate training site. If it makes you feel better, I will never like Peraza again. Promise. Though, he did seem like a bargain if he was leading off–Okay, okay, no more rationalizations. But I mean…

Bobby Dalbec – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and his 5th homer in four games, and are you a B. Doerr or a B. Don’ter? Hmm…?! Hmm…?! I thought so. Dalbec’s a legend already, and anyone that thinks otherwise is an otherwise thinker and I won’t think of that. Don’t otherwise think me, you otherwise thinker!

Rafael Devers – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 10th homer, hitting .275. He’s really turned his entire season around. I hope I feel this good about Devers, forever, forever, Devers, forever, Devers.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .252. See, silly goose, Brandon Lowe didn’t retire at the end of August, it only felt like it.

Manuel Margot – 2-for-5, 1 run and two steals (10, 11), hitting .274, and leadoff yesterday. I batty called Margot, and I think that’s the first time it’s ever worked for me. This really happened, right? He’s not pulling my chain, is he? Is he Superman or a Margot kidder?

Zack Wheeler – Had his start with the Marlins pushed back to Monday, when they’ll be on, like, their twelfth game in a row facing off.

Brandon Workman – 1 IP, 1 ER and another blown save, ERA at 4.24. He’s actually gotten worse when he went to Philly, because the Phils bullpen’s womb is polluted like Michelle Pfeiffer and you can’t even get a save with that thing, mang. He prolly still has the closer job. How’s that for a vote of confidence?

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .266. After the game, Jerry Tomato curled the hotel phone cord around his finger, propped his legs on the bed and talked to the Dodgers, “So, you’ll play Mookie, Will Smith and Justin Turner at 2nd base and I can choose my position depending on the inning?”

Jon Berti – Hit the IL with a finger bruise. He suffered the injury banging his hand on the wall after seeing he was once again out of the lineup. Replacing him in theory, and maybe actually getting playing time will be Isan Diaz, who I fully support in deep leagues for power.

Manny Machado – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .307. Hate to say it, but nine Padres hitters are going to split all the NL MVP votes and Dom Smith is gonna sneak in.

Chris Paddack – Left after two innings with a sprained ankle. If you say so, but his velocity was down and never trust a starter when they’re coming off their first full year of innings.

Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .296. He just needed to get away from the Mets and the emotional toll of crying every half inning.

Pablo SandovalGiants DFA’d him. If this is the end of an era, let me be the first to say Sandoval was widely underappreciated. Emphasis on wide. No, no, seriously, he helped the Giants to three rings, making him Lard of the Rings. Okay, c’mon, it’s not like he eats at Thick-Fil-A or Arbese. He’s Kung Fu Panda, not Chow So-Fat. I’m just playing. I hope he has more time now to Food Network and Chill.