“–Breathe, Grey! Come back to us! We’re losing him!”
“Someone put out a cape, I think I’m going to faint like a damsel.”

Granted, I don’t know much about basketball, but he compared himself to LeBron? Yo, has Jeimer Candelario had a break from reality? I guess tying Aaron Judge with the most homers in the 2nd half with four can play tricks on your ego. Yesterday, Jeimer Candelario (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th homer, and 4th in the last week. He was a sleeper of mine this past offseason — not great, Bob! — but he is hot now. By the way, his ten homers leads the Tigers in homers, and that is so freakin’ funny to me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

MacKenzie Gore – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Thinking about Paddack, Lamet and Gore and marveling at the Padres’ ability to turn just about any interesting young pitcher into dogshit.

Michael King – Unlikely to need Tommy John surgery. Great, he only has a fractured elbow.

Giancarlo Stanton – Hit the IL with a made-up injury because the Yankees are coastin’ like Lupe Fiasco.

Jordan Montgomery – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.50. I hate you, regression. From the tippy-toes of my nurse sneakers to the tippy-top of my George Washington-looking hat.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4 and his 38th homer. Early on in the Subway Series, the ball was jumping.

Honestly, I don’t care. Bring on the juiced balls! Are they just using them for big matchups like a Subway Series? Sure, prolly. MLB’s got the integrity of a real estate person on Selling Sunset. Are they changing the balls depending on their willy and/or nilly want? Yup! I think so! Do I know? Nope! (Haven’t seen it yet, but maybe this weekend.) Yesterday, the balls were flying out fast and furious like shizz flying over Vin Diesel’s head. Also, Anthony Rizzo (2-for-4 and his 23rd homer) went HR to the Izzo in the 1st with Judge. By the way, how long are the Reds going to make us wait for Judge and Drury puns? Until next week? Then on the other side, Eduardo Escobar (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 12th homer. At a very weak position, looking at the Player Rater and seeing Escobar has been accounting for some of that weakness, and he followed Starling Marte (2-for-4, 2 runs) who hit his 10th homer. Marte shows you how crazy Judge’s been. Marte’s around the 10th best outfielder with $23 in fantasy value, and Judge is number one at around $60. That’s nuts.

Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.67. He didn’t look as sharp as the line. Better than JoMo? Oh, say no mo’, fo’ sho! Also, for what it’s Cronenworth, Walker had a 2.66 ERA in the 1st half last year, and a 7.13 ERA in the 2nd half.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .251. We had a three-month laugh about Olson and how poorly he was doing, but, truthfully, he’s not doing that bad anymore. Come up with a new story!

Michael Harris II – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. If I were him, I’d go by one name: MIIchael. Also, it sucks he’s hitting 9th, but not sure how he moves up. At the expense of whom?

Spencer Strider – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.91. As soon as you trust him completely, he will rip your heart out like Aaron Nola Ram (6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.32).

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer. See, The Schwammer didn’t retire in June! That’s not fair, he has eight homers in July, but also hitting .150-ish. Speaking of average (killing two birds with one blur ), Alec Bohm (2-for-4) has an 11-game hitting streak. I’d imagine we see him in the Friday buy that will be available on Patreon later today.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. If Oneil ever makes consistent contact, he will be talked about among the greats in the game. Right now, I kinda wanna talk about him among the Rougned Odors of the game.

Keegan Thompson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Three point one-six?! A three followed by a sixteen?! I’m over here holding onto a tight-pantsed anchor named Robbie Ray and Keegan and Kel are making like they’re all that. His peripherals look downright Braxton Garrett-ish, and that’s a compliment, oddly enough. Streamonator hates his next start, and I don’t really trust him, but I can’t say I’m not intrigued, y’all!

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. This guy is so great (one game every three months)! Really enjoying him (very occasionally)!

Mychal Givens – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.72, and his 2nd save, as David Robertson is more or less traded already, but we just don’t know where to yet.

George Kirby – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, throwing 51 pitches, as he was recalled from Triple-A. Kirby was sent to the minors to manage his workload, and he has about 40 IP left to throw this year, and those innings might come here and there, and I’m basically saying, “Do you have another starter you can use?”

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. *does a well-choreographed handshake with self* Yay baby!

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Grabbed Raleigh around beginning of June and he has 10 homers since then. Or, ya know, more than Realmuto has on the season.

Michael Kopech – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.16. All I ask — okay, I ask for a lot — but all I ask here is that regression comes when I’m benching a guy in Coors. Sonavapech!

Frankie Montas – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.18. So hilarious the kid gloves they’re using with Montas. It’s like, “He’s totally healthy, we’re just limiting him to 75 pitches so he’s fresher after the trade!”

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-2 and his 19th homer. It’s not Mr. Saturday Night, it’s Mr. H2H!

Nolan Jones – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He had two hits in the 2nd half until yesterday’s game, so this might be the start of something, and I could see monocle’ing it, you cyclopses.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 5 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.18, and 2nd straight poor 2nd half start. Damn, he’s already falling apart in the 2nd half, isn’t he? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuudge. Only I didn’t say fudge. Thought we’d have until mid-to-late-August, before the wheels, or rather velocity fell off. The good news is his xFIP was great in this start. You don’t have xFIP in your league? Oh shucks.

Christian Walker – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .208. Does Walker have any hits that aren’t homers? Press one for yes; press two for no.

Walker Buehler – Played catch the other day. Aw, sweet, was anyone playing Cat’s In The Cradle?

Mookie Betts – 1-for-5 and his 23rd homer. Mookie Best!

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. If you were to show an alien Bellinger’s last two years, they would never believe 2019 was possible, then they’d rebel and start World War III. Great work, Cody!

Mitch White – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Dodgers could take someone from a deserted island who’s never seen the sport of baseball before and turn them into a decent Streamonator call.

Dylan Bundy – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.02. Ah, there’s the King Kong Bundy splash I remember so well. Thank you for flattening my ratios!

Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 24th homer, hitting .219. Bux rules everything around me, Bream get the money!

Gio Urshela – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .265. That Gio’s not even worth filling up.

Luis Urias – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .234. This was the 1st of two homers hit yesterday by Urias. Hey, I just thought of something, run the Gio on the gas from Urias after eating Taco Bell!

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 4th homer in five games. He’s “left in a glove compartment in a F150 that is parked on the sun* hot.

Ethan Small – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.11, as he was recalled. As I said previously, “He’s coming up mostly just so hitters can say,”You’re killin’ me, Small.” Hate that his command looks like his biggest issue. You can’t start a guy with a 4+ BB/9, unless it comes with a 11+ K/9. Our projections have him around 8 K/9, 4.5 BB/9, that’s such a long howl at the moon. His upside remains immense, and the Brewers turned Eric Lauer into Cy Young, so I absolutely believe in the upside, but for now I’m only looking in deep leagues.” And that’s me quoting me!

Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Keep in mind he has seven homers when you read the next blurb.

Dylan Carlson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. No wonder I have some teams struggling. I have scumbums like Carlson at six homers on the year heading into August. Pujols has six homers and he’s 57 years old; Tyler Stephenson has six homers and he’s played like a month total this year. Something *clapping hand emoji* something *clapping hand emoji* something!

Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.20. Honestly, at this point, I’d take meh, and this was meh.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. This home run by Cake Batter was a moonshot. I guess that makes it a mooncake.

Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer. He looks like “What would happen if all the King’s horses and all the King’s men were able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.”

George Springer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .258. Gonna get in on him next year, and all that regression I’m seeing in his line this year will all be Amber Heard’d on my pillow next year.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-3 and his 14th homer. Imagine what he’d be doing if he wasn’t randomly benched every third game. He didn’t even finish yesterday’s game. You got some real brain worms if you’re taking out of the game a guy who just homered.

Anthony Santander – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. Ant-Sant can’t lift a rubber tree plant, but he’s got high hopes!

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3 and a slam (8) and legs (21). Not a terrible pace when you put it through the “Didn’t Expect Him To Repeat Last Year” Generator.

Ramon Urias – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. This Urias is just filthy! And massive! Is that the Milky Way? No, it’s a Snickers? Ew. On the 7-day Player Rater, Urias is nearly a top 20 player.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (21) and legs (11), hitting .256. *sounding out his name* Show-hey Oh-tan-ee. Hmm, never heard of him. Is he new to the league?

Jose Suarez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.01. Nothing but a Streamonator call, and yesterday’s matchup seemed solid vs. Angel Zerpa, who sounds like a perfume, an after-dinner drink and a friend to Charles Ponzi.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Mostsuckass!

Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.03, and this tied his career-high in strikeouts. If this was the last start for Pab-Lo as a Miami Marlin, then I just want to say: Get ready for some wins!

Garrett Cooper – Hit the IL with a wrist contusion. I truly believe he has a Drury-type season in him, but it won’t prolly be until I have him in zero leagues. *turns to mirror* It’s your move, Grey.

Jesus Luzardo – Scheduled for his third rehab start. Don’t have much faith in the Luzard King after he missed months with a forearm strain, but an IL flyer costs you nothing. Well, it costs you the time it takes to do it, and your time is roughly $170/minute at your law firm, and after accidentally opening and closing the same browser window seven times, and spending 49 minutes to make one move, then it costs you $40,903.30 to make this move, factoring in the law clerks you hire, and can’t immediately fire, to help you with the transaction.