It feels like only yesterday when everything was right in the world. An animated blue bird landed on my window ledge and sung to me about boobies and other things the republicans want to make illegal, then another animated bird joined him and sung to me about foie gras and other things the democrats want to make illegal, then a centrist animated bird landed and said a lot of nothing that could neither be refuted nor approved. Why do I have all of these damn cartoon birds but no Carlos Carrasco?! Yesterday, Carrasco hit the DL with a sore shoulder. This sounds to me like an early shutdown is not too far off. “Hello, shopping mall ear piercer, can you put a diamond stud in the hole in my heart that Carrasco left?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Brantley – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a double slam (10, 11) and legs (14). “Still having a very solid season,” says the guy in a Points league. “I’m not in a Points league,” says the guy not in a Points league. If Brantley has a huge September, he could redeem his entire season. Season ends tomorrow with 11 HRs and 14 SBs, I’m not happy. He gets to 17 HRs and 17 SBs and I’d say if you’re complaining about Brantley, you’re complaining about the wrong guy on your team.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .306. Bogaerts has had a decent year, right? Yeah, he has. If Lindor played all year, he would’ve been waaaaay better than Bogaerts. Yes, five A’s, and no Semien, Reddick or Burns.
Wily Peralta – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER. I actually own him in one very, very….*cut to ten minutes later*…very deep league and I won’t even start him.
Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .248. Why didn’t Carlos Santana go off banshee-style when I said to drop him? Honestly, I kinda wouldn’t mind Lucroy hitting a bunch of useless homers in September so next year people look at his stats and still draft him.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. But what about Lind?! Oh, he did nothing. Carry on.
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4. Says he’ll be playing 1st base next year. August Grey in 2016 phoned in from the future and said, “Hanley will be DH’ing in 2017.”
Devon Travis – Received another cortisone shot. “That’s our boy!” Encarnacion and Bautista said as they passed out cigars.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. Also, in this game, Edwin Encarnacion (1-for-4) hit his 25th homer. Instead of high fives, the Blue Jays have begun miming sticking cortisone shots into their shoulder to celebrate.
Chris Colabello – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. He got cold, right? Well, if you mean that as in his name has Cola in it and cold is a good thing, then, yeah, he got cold. He’s hitting .332 on the year. It’s just too bad he’s not in the everyday 1927 Blue Jays lineup.
Delino DeShields – 2-for-5 and a slam (2) and legs (22). Also, in this game, Rougned Odor (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 11th homer. Doesn’t DeShields/Odor sound like Mennen won the naming rights to Ranger players?
Howie Kendrick – Could begin a rehab assignment soon. Love to be a fly on the wall when management explains to Mattingly who Kendrick is. “So, he was our 2nd baseman? This year? Then who is Yeltu? I have the lineup card upside down?”
Julio Urias – Mattingly said Urias will not be up in early September, adding, “I can only remember so many names, and whether to read left to right!”
Yasmani Grandal – Out yesterday with a sore shoulder. Sadly (not sadly, I don’t care), I carried him for about three months, but grabbed The Beef two days ago to fill-in, and yesterday I finally just dropped Grandal.
Alex Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks. I’ve long been a Wood apologist, which sounds like I’m trying to get more teak into Ikea, but this was not a good start by him. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start either, and I’d look elsewhere in most shallower leagues.
Justin Turner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Haven’t heard much of this guy in the comments, until yesterday it seemed like a few people were ready to drop him. And that was all it took.
Wade Davis – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 12th save with a 1.03 ERA. Holland didn’t get into the game because his shoulder was still cranky. It just needs a good nap!
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Last time out, Sano was the loser in next year’s draft pick-off with Correa. Though, can we call Sano a loser at anything? No, actually, we’re obligated not to call him a loser. Okay, today’s match is him vs. Carlos Gomez? Who will be drafted first next year?
Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. He’ll be in the running for the first 2nd baseman off the board next year, and I’ll be running away from drafting a top 2nd baseman.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer. Rosario must be the king of homering and then doing nothing, because every time I look at him to see if he’s a rising schmotato, I find bumbaclot nothing.
Nate Karns – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.69. Damn, this start came against the Twins, so even if you didn’t own Karns up until yesterday, you definitely grabbed him. Turned out, you were wearing concrete boots and weren’t get past this stream.
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-5, 1 RBI and two steals (14, 15). Too bad for him that he’s not very good. Well, too bad for you too if you A) Own him. B) Are his agent and hoping for a big contract to help pay for the single mother you’re dating. C) There’s no C.
Curt Casali – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Yes, you would’ve been better off drafting Casali than Wieters. Granted, in Yahoo, there’s no way Casali was in the system to draft.
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .314. Hey, that’s my pi!
Giancarlo Stanton – Hoping to return in about ten days. His H2H owners just held a handkerchief to their forehead and fainted into a pile of dirty underwear. Before we all start giving Giancarlo a reach around, or, at least before we all line up behind me, I wouldn’t be surprised if he returns and only plays sporadically.
Brad Hand – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. If only I made my fantasy decisions on inner monologue puns and said to myself yesterday, “Let’s give my fantasy team a Hand.”
Dee Gordon – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 4 steals (42, 43, 44, 45). SAGNOF + Cervelli = Annette Funicello. Wow, math’s way off there. Was supposed to equal “lots of steals.”
A.J. Burnett – Will throw a simulated game on Sunday. 2010-14 Apricot Juice would’ve retired already to Barbados and been chucking coconuts into a hamper during a game of Caribbean hamperball.
Charlie Morton – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I actually streamed him in one league and he was cruising — one run into the fifth inning — and I was like, “I’m bad, I’m bad, jam on it,” then I ate dinner and returned to this fake vomit-looking start. Huckin’ fell, man!
Jered Weaver – 5 2.3 IP, 6 ER vs. Alfredo Simon 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER. There was a side bet for this game, Weaver bet Simon he could look worse than his mullet, and Simon bet Weaver he could look worse than his arrest record. In the end, no one won, as it should’ve been.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer. Across the aisle, Miguel Cabrera (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) was playing. Which brings me to a semi-related point, I wonder if Miggy has one more “Jack Palance doing one-handed pushups” power displays left in him like Pujols is showing.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Yoenis is the Yo form of enis, and you’re making my enis excited!
Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. It feels like the Mets season is going to play out like an O. Henry short story. “Yay, we finally have hitting…And we have to shut down all our pitching.”
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer and 2nd homer in as many games. Not a chance anyone picks up your bloated salary, Howard, no reason to try to play your way off the Phils. Oh, and hot schmotato alert.
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I batty called him on Monday for his 3-for-5 game, but dropped him, and I’d pick him back up since he looks hot.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. Wow, he played? What a treat!
Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. No matter how many times I state his ERA is below 2 (now at 1.77) I’m still shocked.
Thomas Pham – 3-for-5, 3 runs. I had Thai for dinner yesterday and I could’ve sworn I had a dish called Pham.
CC Sabathia – Hoping for a quick return. Honestly, I didn’t think CC did anything quickly.
Ivan Nova – 4 IP, 7 ER. Damn, Nova shone too bright and burned himself out.
Marwin Gonzalez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s had nine big games this year. How do I know this? Because every time he hits a home run, I consider saying, “My favorite Marwin, hot schmotato, Mad Libs in something else!” But I don’t say anything because I look at his recent games played and am yawnstipated. He’s kinda hot garbage in the trunk of the car you left on the surface of the sun, and has been hitting near-.175 in the last week.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. “Did someone say hot garbage? I lived on that for three years!” We know, Gattis, we know.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Though, the box score said it was his 2nd homer because he switched leagues, and for a second, I thought maybe he did only have two homers this year because he’s been so bad. The comment droppers were circling his dead corpse yesterday, too. I’m just glad Gomez started hitting homers prior to this Friday when I was going to say to drop him.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Hey, his neighbor is Marla Gibbs!
Mike Montgomery – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER. That was another sweet stream by me. *lines up rusty nails on desk, bangs head repeatedly, realizes they were Rusty Nails, the drink, sees the mess I made by spilling them* Cougs! Help!
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 38th homer. Great, now JB, fresh from his honeymoon, will have Cruz to torment me with again on next week’s podcast. By the by, JB has returned and is back over at our fantasy basketball side of things.
Ketel Marte – 3-for-5, hitting near-.420 in the last week and he has speed. If you need SAGNOF or just a drink and one Ketel, I’d grab him.
Tom Wilhelmsen – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 4th save. Apparently, Lloyd Christmas wanted Wilhelmsen to close again last night. Tomorrow, he may call on the Easter Bunny.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. On a related note, you know how Hawk Harrelson says after a homer, “You can put it on the board! Yes!” After sex, I yell, “You can put it on the headboard! Yes!”
Billy Burns – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 25th steal. Burns has been hot. Well, that’s appropriate.
Matt Cain – 5 IP, 6 ER. Some days you just wish you didn’t stream anyone.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. I’m going off of memory here, but has he hit a home run in every game he’s played?
Miguel Montero – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and his 3rd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Considering his seasons have been all over the place — good one year, bad another year — it seems like he should be in the El Cubanati, but only his last name could get him in.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.22. I know real world awards like Cy Young don’t matter for this shizz, but if Arrieta has a solid September and gets to 18 or 19 wins, he’s gonna give the Dodger aces a run for their Cy Young money, Lil Wayne.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (9, 10). Every time he hits a home run, it’s like when that kid in middle school would say, “I’m not touching you,” then hold his finger about a half an inch from your face.
James Shields – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. This annoying guy is actually touching you.
Denard Span – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL. Since the question always comes up (maybe once a month), Span or Revere? I’m going Span.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. I saw Zimmerman hit a home run, and I honestly had to double check to make sure he only had one N on the end of his name.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I’ve seen Ramos hit a handful of homers in less-than-a-handful of games, so if he’s out there, I’d grab him for a quick schmotatoing.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. One run came off a Gyorko homer, which is like saying, “The only blemish to my ulcer is this kidney stone.”