Gilbert Sings I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major League Pitcher

Yesterday, Logan Gilbert went 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.07. On the year, he has a 13.1 K/9 and 2 BB/9. That’s Fruit Loops shizz. That’s eye-popping John Lithgow in The Twilight Zone, the Movie shizz. That’s basically the best peripherals in MLB for starters. Yes, I’m thinking of Tarik Skubal and Paul Skenes and Zack Wheeler. How’sever, on the Player Rater, Logan Gilbert was around the 55th best starter. What’ happened? He went down in April with an elbow flexor strain and didn’t return until mid-June. So, this is a serious question for all you fantasy baseball aficionados. All you so-called brainiacs. How do you account for that? How do you account for a guy who is basically the best in baseball but might or might not have an elbow hanging by a thread? I said might not, because I don’t know. No one knows his actual arm’s status but him, and maybe even he heard, “You might be good for the year or next three years or it might go at any moment.” So, how do you account for that? I honestly don’t know. Baseball, man, even when you know, how do you know? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3 and his 39th homer. He didn’t leave all his homers in the Derby last week, i.e., Baby got back (ups).

Jacob Misiorowski – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.45. He reached triple digits 14 times in 64 pitches. If he reached it ten or fewer times, maybe he wouldn’t have been pulled at 64 pitches. Mister Misio is almost too good for his own sake.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. They show highlights of Semien on Spurtscenter.

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.28. If he stays healthy all year, and he’s there next year at pick 30, I’d be shocked, i.e., the price about to get like my dog, Ted, and zoomie.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. It’s too bad the Rangers didn’t think of being good for the first two months.

Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. In his last 24 games: .333/.445 with seven homers, 20 runs, and 21 RBIs. On the 30-day Player Rater, that’s good for around top 12.

Max Muncy – Hit the IL with a fractured right hand. The Max Muncies are cursed. There’s a Max Muncy in Beaver City, Nebraska, who works at the barber shop, and he better watch how he handles his scissors.

Lawrence Butler – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer. Nickname him La-Bu and watch as a kid thinks you said Labubu and runs your ass over to grab him. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Every 20 years there’s an ugly doll craze because Cabbage Patch dolls had to be repackaged as Beanie Babies, which had to be repackaged as Labubus, and Courtney Love tried to warn you in Doll Parts but no one listened.

Tanner Scott – Headed to the IL with elbow inflammation. Missed this on Monday night when he left the game. Figured it was just Dave Roberts pulling him for Kirby Yates because Roberts fell asleep reading Yeats, as he’s prone to do. Tanner Scott wasn’t going to be the closer for much longer anyway, because the Dodgers were absolutely on the market for a closer. With that in mind, Alex Vesia or Kirby Yates are likely best candidates for the next few days until Kyle Finnegan is closing for LA next week. Oh, the Dodgers also called up Alexis Diaz which is legit hilarious. Good luck with that!

Andy Pages – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Don’t turn the Pages, leave the book right where it is.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. Garbage time bombs, meaningful bombs, dropping bombs on your moms. He does it all!

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.55. True story! Every time I write the “Nobu” part of his first name I get hungry.

Ben Casparius – Left the game with a calf strain. Guess now he’s de-calf.

Anthony Volpe – 0-for-3 as he was dropped to 9th in the order. He was hitting .142 for the last month. Still early!

Cam Schlittler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.35. I dropped him when I thought he had a biceps injury, like, last week. Well, whatever, the Yanks will acquire a starter and Schlittler will be placed in the minors indefinitely or traded.

Ben Rice – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. I like that he has catcher eligibility, because it’s literally the only reason to roster him with how little he plays.

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Don’t let Cody get hot, he’ll try to smoke himself.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .251. Shame he hit .151 in April because I roster him and it sucked.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st career start at 1st base. Red Sox said in a statement, “No fair!” Kinda like the idea of Devers getting 1st base eligibility for next year, though I think he’ll still be overrated. People love them some zero speed, 27-homer, .270 hitters. Devers said about playing 1st, and this is a real quote, “I’m the kind of player that likes to be active, that likes to be on the field. I’d rather be on the field than in the cage hitting all the time just thinking about the next at-bat.” Lol, sure, dude.

Hayden Birdsong – Optioned to the minors. Guess his last outing was Hayden Swansong.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .245. Also, in this game, Casey Schmitt (1-for-4) happened to hit his 5th homer. I’m doubling them in the same blurb because they’ve both been equally bleh for a few now. Here’s to them maybe becoming less bleh.

Landen Roupp – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Sonavabench! But he wasn’t supposed to be good in road games and the Braves were good in 2023! Damn it! Streamonator loves Roupp’s next one, it better not be Lucy-football me. Oh, by the by (clunky segue alert!), RazzBowl’s final signups are happening today, I believe. The link to sign up is in that football post. I bet you can figure it out.

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. I’d say Ramon Schmotato, but he’s blowing Gunnar out of the water for power. Maybe Gunnar can have whatever Laureano is sticking in his butt–I mean, supplements.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-2 and a slam (21) and legs (30), and 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer since the break. But Gunnar Henderson skipped the All-Star Game too and that did nothing for him.

Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Streamed Cantillo in multiple leagues, because of his peripherals, but the line last night doesn’t make it easy to suggest you do the same. For what it’s Wuertz, Streamonator liked his start last night and hates his next.

Jake Rogers – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! I got a captcha where Jake Rogers was pictured and it said, “Pick out the Walrus.”

Casey Mize -4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.40. That’s three straight outings where he’s looked bad, so 3, 2, 1…An IL stint for a dead arm? Now?

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.53. He does nothing but produce Quality Starts. I’m not even being sarcastic. For the first time ever.

Chase Burns – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 6.65. Not trying to jinx Misiorowski, but this Burns start is what rookie pitchers who are great should look like. He’s young so it Burns sometimes.

Josh Bell – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Bell is hilarious. He’ll be hitting like crazy for the next ten days, get traded then be one of the worst bench players for a contender. Let’s see which team gets roped in this time. I’m gonna guess the Padres.

Edward Cabrera – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. His ERA if he stays on the Marlins the rest of the year ~3.50. ERA if he’s traded to a contender: ~4.75. You know I’m right.

Starling Marte – Activated from the IL and didn’t play. It’s a Marte party! (A party where a 36-year-old collects the remainder of his $78 million for not doing much.)

Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I’d grab him if I were struggling at catcher. In fact (Grey’s got more!), I did and lost Pedro Pages, though now that I say that I realize I likely shouldn’t have had Pedro Pages to begin with.

Frankie Montas – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.62. Streamonator liked this start, and hates his next one and that makes sense to me.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer of the 2nd half, and I could see a quick schmotato from Soler. It’s about all he has in him this year, sadly, because the Angels signed him.

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, as he was recalled. Elias Sports Bureau said, “When Rich Hill made his MLB debut, everyone who was alive is now dead. RIP.” This was Hill playing for his 14th MLB team, which is a record that no one wants. I hope Cialis Mountain pitches for the next thirty years, until he’s 100, but I have no interest in fantasy.

Matthew Boyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Yeah, Boyd! (I paid the nickel to Flavor Flav.)

Matt Shaw – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 13th steal, as the Cubs stole seven bags off Freddy Fermin and Rich Hill. Methuselah’s pick-off move isn’t what it once was.

Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in three games, hitting .275. Feel like I have to be serious with you here for a second. In the minors, Moniak looked like 25/10/.280 hitter, who just had some bad luck being stuck behind guys in Philly, then being in Anaheim, which kills everyone. Moniak is hot right now, hitting well. No, it might not continue, but he may not be “just awful” when he reverts to his old self. His “old self” might be a roster-worthy outfielder in all fantasy leagues, and not to be cast away. The Tom Hanks by hisself one? No, Moniak’s old self.

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 3rd homer since the break. If he’s hitting to try to get traded, it’s a Catch 22 because the more he hits, the better the chance the Rockies give him a seven-year deal.

Brandon Lowe – Hit the IL with tendinitis of his left tootsie. Originally said it was plantar fasciitis, but turned into tendinitis of the tootsie. The more you know!

Drew Rasmussen – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.93. One love, but that’s kinda useless for fantasy. Move on, premature balding men and four loyal female readers.

Chandler Simpson – 1-for-3 and his 28th, 29th, and 30th steal. It’s wrong that you’re thinking he’s a steals-only guy. He’s hitting .301 and hitting leadoff. I’m thinking about making a case that he could be a top 20 outfielder next year.

Colson Montgomery – 1-for-4 and his 1st major league homer. Saw he was hitting almost .270 and thought about how he was hitting .215 in the minors and what a great accomplishment that is for Colson then as my thoughts continued in a run-on fashion I looked at his player page and his BABIP is goofy.

Lance McCullers Jr. – Placed on the IL. McDonald’s ice cream machines work more than McCullers.

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.67, and Astros have won 13 straight starts of Framber’s. Was thinking he’d have to get ready to learn runner-up to Tarik Skubal for the AL Cy Young, buddy, but the AL is kinda stacked with starters. At least on the Player Rater, Framber’s around top 10 in the majors. Plenty of starters in front of him in the AL.

Brice Matthews – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Fine! Grab him! I ain’t above it!

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.50. I promise you if you pick him up, his next start will be one of the worst things God’s ever spit up.

Andrew Painter – Phils said Painter isn’t guaranteed a rotation spot and they don’t plan on trading him. Not sure what their plan is for him. Maybe they think their clubhouse needs another coat.

Cristopher Sanchez – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Listen, I can’t do a Phillies starter as the lede every other day. They’re great, what do you want me to say? I’ve already done a Cristopher Sanchez lede. Nothing’s changed but the date.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 33rd homer. Similar to the All-Star Game swing-off, Schwarber’s home run won the game for the Phils, but it was in the 2nd inning.

Max Kepler – 1-for-2 and a slam (11) and legs (1), hitting .207. He tends to get hot and hit ’em bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Richard Fitts – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.86. Did you know Dick Fitts also goes by Jock Jams?