Jesus of Miamareth Bests Freddy of Brew City

I started both Freddy Peralta (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.81) and Jesus Luzardo (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.14), then I prayed. Not to any ordinary God, of course. I prayed to the Fantasy Baseball Overlord, and he said, “I’m currently away from my phone, but if you leave a message and why your team sucks, I’ll try to get back to you as soon as possible.” I told him in whispers, “FBO, I drafted Luzardo and FreddyKBB as my aces in separate leagues, sometimes in the same league, can you please help them realize–” Then the beep sounded and it asked me if I was happy with my message. So, I prayed again multiple times and tried to speak faster to get my whole message on his stupid machine–“This is the Fantasy Baseball Overlord,” he bellowed. “How dare you insult me or my answering service!” So, no thanks to FBO, but Luzardo looked like the ace we drafted. He had a month last year of 5.92 ERA and you still drafted him high this year. What I’m saying is he’s capable of rattling off months of Cy Young behavior, and I could see buying low, if that’s still a possibility. As for FreddyKBB? His stats look even better than Jesus’s: 11.1 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.27 xFIP, unlucky this, unlucky that. I’d buy low on him too, if possible. “This is all my doing!” Okay, sure, FBO. [eye roll] Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .254. Based on everything I know about Jazz from the player and not the Ken Burns documentary, I can’t help but think he’s due for a 30-day IL stint.

Xander Bogaerts – Fracture in his shoulder and plans to play again by late-summer. I’d say late-August, early-September, but I am merely a guy who one time slept in a hospital bed outside of a bar because I was too drunk to drive.

Luis Arraez – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He likes to think of a home run as four singles, so he went 7-for-5.

Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, that’s his 2nd homer in May, and I, honestly, have no idea how a guy can play in Great American Smallpark and hit so few homers, but then I see all Reds hitters, except Elly. Has the wind been blowing in in Cincy for the last two months? An undertow? What’s going on?

Tyler Anderson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Went to look at Streamonator and Tyler Anderson’s player page for his stats, and both are telling me if you start him, you might have marbles between the ol’ earlobes.

Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.06. His numbers still look like shizz Brown.

Masyn Winn – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, as he hit leadoff. Also, I think Nolan Gorman homered for the Cards, but then was benched, and I’m not sure what day the Cards/O’s series is on, so hard to say.

John Means – Left yesterday’s start with elbow soreness. That Means. Dot dot dot. Trouble.

Austin Riley – Did not play yesterday. Posts from the future: Austin Riley, who has missed the last 59 days, was placed on the 60-day IL backdated to mid-May. He’s eligible to come off tomorrow, July 14th, but with the All-Star Break, the Braves are taking it slow.

Justin Steele – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.68. One thing to get the Braves hitting? The Man of Steele! I would try not to drop Steele, but I also wouldn’t start him. He’s clearly not right. My guess is his mechanics are off.

Max Fried – 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.38. His ERA since his 2nd start of the year is 2.04 in 53 IP. Zoinks! Maybe Max is not fried, lowercase.

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and has 46 RBIs, leading the majors, but multiple guys are on his heels. Better than on his bumper when he’s driving.

Matt Olson – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Wonder if he can still get to 40 homers (challenging him because I’m smart).

Nelson Velazquez – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in a week, and in just yesterday’s game he was subbed out. Appropriate that he took over for Edward Olivares, because he’s treated exactly the same way. Olivares, Sean Bouchard and Velazquez to start a new team, the Vegas Castoffs. Their unis dress them up to look like Gilligan and their home run celebration is being hit over the head by their manager, dressed like the Skipper. Very new and hip references.

Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 12 Ks, ERA at 3.34. We have a top 100 starts page, and Ragans is the type to have multiple entries while occasionally having the massive, unforeseen blowup.

Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. As someone who doesn’t have Skubal anywhere, I support Regression Fairies and their Prop 8 for regression.

Jared Jones – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05. How good has Jared Jones been? So good, that a Quality Start like yesterday was the worst he’s looked.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .251. He’s like Kyle Tucker but lousy. Just the most boring hitter you could ever roster. Once a week a homer, never gets hot, just straight bleh.

Matt Chapman – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and one of the hottest schmotatoes in the land. Absolutely in this week’s Buy column, available already on Patreon and Friday here.

Blake Snell – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 11.40, as he was activated. I am howling at how bad he’s been. He’s taking the whole “Cy Young One Year, So Freakin’ Awful For Five Years” thing to a whole new level.

Brayan Bello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Gave up three runs early and I chucked my computer into a swamp screaming, “I got a lemon!” Later, fishing it out I saw he made lemonade.

Wilyer Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. By the way, Devers didn’t homer, so who wants to put Dale Long back in deep freeze?

Ryan Pepiot – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.98, as he was activated from the IL. He’ll be all right, but ya think they might’ve wanted him to rehab a few times after missing two weeks?

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. This is the first time I’ve thought about him in a positive light. He’s been a stinker so far, huh? Not to answer but to ruminate.

Josh Lowe – Headed for an MRI on his side. That sounds so, oh, bleak.

Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He was routinely taken rounds — rounds! — after Vlad Jr. Can you understand why? Does it make any sense?

Ketel Marte – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer. He has five homers in May, and five in April. June awaits its five homers.

Ryan McMahon – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 3rd straight game with a homer. All on the road, because up is down this year.

Triston McKenzie – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Told someone yesterday in the comments to either start McStickzie or drop him, and that’s the deal with some guys. If you can’t start a guy vs. the road Mets, you should absolutely not be rostering that pitcher. Not sure who’s telling people to be interested in Triscuit Have-a-McSnackzie but he’s been MehKenzie for a while now.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Got a little revenge against his former team for being traded. Mets fans don’t care they got Carlos Carrasco and Lindor. I hear they’re very pleased.

Jeff McNeil – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato, sure, but also the Mets might think about moving him out of the 7th spot in the order and switching him with Lindor at leadoff.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Albombso!

Harrison Bader – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (7). He was hit by a pitch, had words with McKenzie — maybe yelled at him to eat a dessert or two? — then Bader came back Mad’er and got his revenge with a Ding Dong, which McKenzie should also eat. Who are you, Kate Moss the pitcher? Eat something!

Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.13. First five innings, he looked like Jose QuGrom, then turned into Jose Pumpkina.

Adam Ottavino – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.79. My instinct that Reed Garrett (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.04) would get the most difficult innings (yesterday, pitched a tied 7th inning) wasn’t wrong, but much like Michelle Pfeiffer’s womb in Scarface, the entire Mets’ pen is polluted now and Ottavino didn’t look much better than Edwin (in a non-save shituation, but still).

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s now a father of 12.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. You could put Edmundo Sosa in that Phils’ lineup and he’d be good. Oh wait:

Edmundo Sosa – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Phils have the best record since 2001 Mariners through 50 games. In related news, sales of batteries in Philadelphia area at all-time low.

Corey Seager – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, 3rd homer in last three games. Hey, maybe don’t freeze Dale Long again so quickly!

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, 3rd homer in a week. Judge, jury and executioner of baseballs!

Alex Verdugo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. What gives when Dominguez returns? Gotta be Verdugo, but he’s really not been bad. Verdugo to any team for a reliever? I don’t know, doing some speculation here.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, hitting .313. 110/40/125/.320/15 and Hal Steinbrenner gonna answer his phone from Boras with “New phone, who dis?”

Nestor Cortes – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Nestor the New York Jon Lester!

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .219. Not bad for a giant ass with ankles.

Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.53. Not great, but Dipoto said, smiling, “We’re exactly at .540 winning percentage.”

Jake Irvin – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Go to the Streamonator and type “Irvin” into the Name column and it likes Cole Irvin better than Jake, and it never likes Cole.

Joey Meneses – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .234. I’m old enough to remember when people thought Meneses was good, because I’m not less than one year old.

Simeon Woods Richardson – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.57, and pulled at 77 pitches because Baldelli is begging Kevin Cash to watch his highlights and approve. Gosh, Baldelli is such a pick me.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Think Correa is rostered in too many leagues, but if he’s available anywhere, Carlos Correa clearly caliente.

Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Watch, he’s about to go off, and make me look stupid, because the universe be conspiring to make me look stupid on the daily, but I swear I get more comments asking about dropping players and the odd man out is always Kepler. Prior to this game, he was barely a top 300 player on the Player Rater, but, in fairness, he was doing well on the 30-Day Player Rater, and on the IL in April, so maybe Kepler hasn’t been that bad. Ha, I just convinced myself of Kepler’s worth in 150 words. Forgive me. I have sinned, to the Max!

Bo Bichette – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .233. Take that, BDon!

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Trying not to focus my eyes on Bo Pieceofchette having the same number of homers as Pham, who has played in 20 fewer games.

Martin Maldonado – 0-for-4, hitting .089. That the White Sox let him hit for the final out is so freakin’ funny. Maldonado gonna think twice about signing up again this winter for Javy Baez’s Hitting School.

Eloy Jimenez – Hit the IL with “being Eloy.” White Sux called up Zach DeLoach. Known for his speed and batting practice band, Cage Against The Machine and his song, Hitting in the Name. Now they do with they told ya — HITTING COACH! Now they do with they told ya — HITTING COACH! Now they do with they told ya — HITTING COACH! Now they do with they told ya — HITTING COACH! You justify those ducksnorts that died!