The left side of the mouth:

“Due to a pitch count of 80, Clayton Kershaw would not get a perfect game, but he would become the perfect symbol of his generation. Babied to the point where pitchers can no longer throw, they ‘pitch’ — whatever that means! When did we, as a society, get to the point where a pitcher can’t throw the ball? A participation perfect game, that’s what Clayton Kershaw got yesterday.”

The right side of the mouth:

Clayton Kershaw has been battling injuries for years. His last year was cut short, due to injuries. He couldn’t pitch much in the preseason, because of the lockout and this was his first start of the year. Who cares about a perfect game? This is about keeping Clayton Kershaw healthy for as many innings as possible.”

The left side of the mouth:

“You’re a sissy.”

The right side of the mouth:

“What are you talking about? We’re just different sides of the same mouth!”

So, Clayton Kershaw (7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 13 Ks) threw seven perfect innings, and nothing about him has changed since my preseason thoughts on him. He could be fantastic, but not even for a 9-inning game, let alone a full season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Earlier in the game, Bellinger had his first extra base hit of the season. It was the long-desired Paddack vs. Bellinger matchup. First at-bat, Paddack got Bellinger to strikeout, then Bellinger got his. This was one of the best matchups, just trading blows. Like two wet noodles slap-boxing. I kid, unlike Paddack, Bellinger could come out of this two-year funk, as BDon keeps telling me on the podcast, but I need to see more than one game before declaring him back.

Max Muncy – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Gavin Lux (1-for-5) hit his 1st homer; and Austin Barnes (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer, as the Twins’ bullpen did its best to make Paddack look like a solid pickup.

Alex Kirilloff – Hit the IL with a wrist issue that bothered him all of last year. Welp, that’s the end of him. Hey, we got a good six days out of him. I’m going to bury my head in a pint of Chubby Hubby.

Trevor Larnach – 0-for-1 as he was called up to replace Kirilloff. Here’s what I said on Larnach this preseason, “Doesn’t feel that long ago I was excited about Larnach. Then he hit .176 in Triple-A and the Twins were like, “Let’s give this guy a go in the majors!” Okay, not exactly. He hit .176 for the year in Triple-A, but before his call-up he only had eight strikeouts in 13 at-bats in Triple-A, then was promoted. That’s only a 400-strikeouts-in-a-season pace! Such a mess I’m not even sure if I remember what I liked about him. Think it was power.” And that’s me quoting me!

Chris Paddack – 4 IP, 3 ER. Chris Paddack gets a fresh start on the Twins as the opposing offense won’t be used to his pitch….oh, he’s facing the Dodgers?….nevermind.

Josiah Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Thinking about that league where I drafted only Grays — Sonny, Josiah and Jon, and then wrote, “Property of Grey” in Sharpie on my computer screen and couldn’t see half my screen anymore because of a bad smudge. So, Josiah is yet another young starter we have to pay attention to, Streamonator hates his next start, but I could see it.

Tanner Rainey – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00 and his 2nd save as Finnegan came into the game in the 6th inning. That burns up those Finnegan shares even you’re thinking matchups. Pun points!

Max Fried – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.73. This could’ve been so much worse but you only need to face half a lineup with the Nats. Truly concerned, and I roster Fried, so dubya tee eff, my dude.

Austin Riley – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Let’s hear it for those of us who didn’t want to wait on 3rd base. Uh, in relation to fantasy baseball drafts.

Kyle Hendricks – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.00. Hendricks got smoked by Ben Gamel and…Who else is there? I don’t feel like looking at the Pirates’ lineup; it gives me the shudders. Oh, yeah, Ke’Bryan Hayes (4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI) he’s good.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Check out this guy trying to steal Seiya’s steelio.

Nick Lodolo – 4 IP, 5 ER. Hey, when Owen Miller beats you, you just have to tip your hat and read the inscription on the bill of your cap that says, “What are you doing Lodolo?!” Welp, Lodolo looked super nervous. He’s supposed to have great command, and LodoLOL to that. He couldn’t even hit the broadside of Jose Ramirez’s body, hitting his ankle instead. I’m trying to hold, but this is why they’re called roofies.

Tyler Stephenson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This might be a way-too-early prediction that looks like utter nonsense in five months, but Tyler Stephenson is gonna be a top three catcher this year.

Triston McKenzie – 4 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.57. This was payback for the Will Smith Oscars moment, because McKenzie looks like a Chris Rock Precious Moments Figurine. Stretch Armweak is a guy I was trying to draft in all leagues, and got in zero. Try harder! Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, and if he’s on some kind of silly low pitch count, then meh.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 BRIs and his 3rd homer. As I mentioned on the aforementioned tip, he got hit on the ankle and went down hard and I started sobbing, but then he came back and homered and I was crying for joy! Easy transition.

Oscar Mercado – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. He’ll be in this Friday’s Buy, which is already available on our Patreon, but you don’t need to wait for that, get Mercado now.

Owen Miller – 3-for-5, and his 1st and 2nd homer. Could be a hot schmotato, but, also, it’s Owen Miller.

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Someone mentioned the other day in the comments that Enrique was 0-for-17 to start the season, asking if they should drop them. Do you explain you should not be judging a 162-game season based on four games or do you just say, “Sure?”

Hansel Robles – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, as Matt Barnes pitched a clean 6th and Diekman pitched a clean 2/3 IP in the 8th inning. Next save for the Red Sox? Kutter Barnbles-Whitlock step right up!

Daz Cameron – Watching to see if Grossman tightens his groin so bad that the Tigers need Daz. This is the world where we purvey our ideas. I sound like a teenager who just discovered a thesaurus. Cameron is interesting because he’s a 20/20 guy, though he might hit .210. Worth monocle’ing the situation.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, and 5 unearned runs, ERA at 5.87. Ticker Shock!

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer, as he bats third. Also, in this game, Akil Baddoo (1-for-4) hit his 1st homer from the 9-hole. Yabba dabba Baddoo! Even with the home run, Baddoo batting 9th kinda makes sense, which is not what you want to hear if you have him.

Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 1st homer. *breathing into a paper bag* Don’t let Torkelson get hot too. I already have Kwan, Seiya, Rizzo, and Mercado. Don’t let me get Torkelson too. I am asking for my leaguemates.

Logan Webb – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.29. Every preseason I talk about only rostering Giants starters and every year I go bawk-bawk and chicken out, and no one knows what a balk is!

Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.23 as he got the save. It wasn’t pretty; he loaded the bases, but he was called on by the High-Gloss Ab Master, Gabe Kapler, for the heart of the order. Not entirely sure which way this bullpen is going, but I’d be holding Jake McGee and Doval. Leone’s save felt like a bit just to see how desperate fantasy baseballers can be.

MacKenzie Gore – With Blake Snell likely headed to the IL, Gore has a locker in the Padres’ clubhouse, and appears to be the fill-in. Not sure how many innings Gore can realistically throw this year, but he can be an ace for roughly 70-90 IP. Definitely worth giving him a look now before someone else does. Here’s what Prospect Itch’s said, “Gore stinks and so does Grey.” Hey, not cool! Okay, Itch didn’t say that, but it was about 750 words and rather than give you the whole thing, it’s worth reading it yourself at the Padres’ top 10 prospects.

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.38. If not for Manaea, I’d have a 6+ ERA in some leagues. *looks at teams with Lodolo* Excuse me, a 7+ ERA.

Merrill Kelly – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.00. In deep leagues, obviously you roster Kelly, but he could have a 0.00 ERA in 80+ IP and I’d be telling you to look at the Streamonator.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. You might find some, but Nimmo just lost another!

Pete Alonso – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Albombso!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .143. Yikes, what a terrible season he’s having. Oh, wait, it’s only a week. Carry on!

Aaron Nola – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.75. As bad as Lodolo was, at least you didn’t spend a top four round pick on him.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homer. His father never had one three-homer game; Cake Batter has two. Earlier in the game, Cake had his hand stepped on at first base. In related news, Cake’s new pregame ritual is having someone step on his hand.

Teoscar Hernandez – Sent for an MRI for his side discomfort. That usually results in a two-month IL stint, I want to die.

Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 11.81 vs. Gerrit Cole 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.59. Putting Ted Williams’ frozen head in the microwave for 45 seconds on 70% heat, so he can see what an ace pitching matchup in 2022 looks like and die again.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Whenever I see him homer, I’m genuinely curious how he hits fly balls that don’t go out of the yard.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. HR to the Rizzo!

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Damn, he was a sleeper in the preseason, but it’s already a week in; I dropped his dumbass for five different shortstop rookies six days ago.

John Means – 4 IP, 2 ER, and left with forearm tightness. That Means…trouble. Told everyone not to draft Means this year, because he was hurt last year and never fully healed, but you wanna just believe I’m a witch who can see the future, so fine, believe that.

Corbin Burnes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.25. The ol’ “Best pitcher in baseball vs. the Orioles” trick. Damn, how come we never thought of that!

Ji-Man Choi – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games and hot schmotato alert!

Frankie Montas – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Not a bad audition for the Rays, and to pitching while holding a sign, “For cash considerations and I’m yours.”

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer, but he left after fouling his ball off his ankle. X-rays came back negative. Hopefully, next time he doesn’t try to bring back a home run ball with his ankle.

Luis Robert – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Shame he can’t ever get those first three games back. Now he’ll never homer in 162 straight games this year. Shucks.

Tim Anderson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .462. I want to chuckle so I looked up his BABIP. A measly .475.

Ty France – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. His first freedom fly!

Robbie Ray – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.73. His velocity was way down. Maybe his pants aren’t tight enough.