CHRHRHRistian Yelich

Christian Yelich hit his 6th homer and his…wait for it….here it comes…where’d it go…did I  leave it in the car…no, it’s right here under my ass…and his 7th homer and his…crap, this one is in the car, isn’t it…nope, under the other cheek…and his 8th homer!  Add in 7 RBIs and he’s hitting a zillion.  Can we just crown him with back-to-back MVPs and sneak him into Ariana Grande’s room already?  After he wins his 2nd straight MVP, there will still (!!!) be someone next March who is saying something like, “Grey, you are wildly handsome, but I just don’t trust Yelich.  Can you talk me into him?”  Which they will say right after I’ve written 1,200 words on Yelich.  Doode is a beast who powers the Milwakuee’s Best.  Don’t funk up my jam!  Which is what Mr. Smuckers says to his wife when she messes up his DVR recordings of The Voice.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .241.  Moistasskiss!

Freddy Peralta – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.13 vs. Dakota Hudson – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.08.  Hudson-Peralta:  More like Nuts in Peroxide.  It was a good day to not have a starting pitcher going.  “Now you tell me!” exclaims guy chasing two-start starters.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .226.  Au Shizz!  Take away the homers Goldy’s hit in Milwaukee and he’d be hitting worse than Chris Davis.  Of course, we can’t take away his homers in Milwaukee.  That’s like saying take away the hits Nolan Arenado has in Coors and he’s Eric Hosmer.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .303.  It was Colonel Mustard in Milwaukee with a can of Schlitz!

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .291.  Sure am glad I owned Ozuna last year.  Sure am glad.  *gargles with broken glass*

Francisco Lindor – Cleared to begin a minor league assignment in Triple-A Columbus.  Fun Fact!  Christopher Columbus landed in Columbus and originally called it the West Indies.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (1) and double legs (4, 5), hitting .150.  He’s fixed!  Kidding.  Sorry, if you own him.  You want to see a massive number of line drives not home runs.  He needs to lower his fly ball rate.

Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL.  Kipnis goes well with borscht, not fantasy baseball.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-5, 2 runs as Jake Bauers took a seat.  Everywhere CarGo goes, he is a prospblock.

Trevor Bauer – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.05.  Literally, the only pitcher that has remembered that good pitching stops good hitting.

Omar Narvaez – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .281.  Never nervous Narvaez is never nervous nor nefarious, nah’mean.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was activated from the IL.  He returned a lot faster than I thought he would, so we have to push forward his next IL stint.  To paraphrase Hood Politics by Kendrick Lamar, “Kershaw returned early from his boo boo!  He’s bound to get hurt again boo boo!  He’s had boo boos for the last few years, boo boo!  Good luck but will be boo boo’d!”  If it’s not clear, I don’t trust Kershaw to stay healthy, and would try to sell him.  His name value brings a lot more than his fantasy value.  Boo boo!

Joc Pederson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Told you on Friday the Hitter-Tron‘s number one guy (owned in less than 50% of leagues) over the next week was Pederson.  He’s had three homers since then.

Curt Casali – 1-for-4, 1 run as he leadoff.  Psycho Killer, Curt Casali!  In all seriousness, Casali leading off should unlock some kind of secret achievement where David Bell is automatically fired.

Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .191.  When Puig lets one fly!  Because he wants to.  Like Cartman, he do what he want.  I’m sure he was charged up being back in LA and it showed.

Raisel Iglesias – 0 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, ERA at 6.75.  I don’t want to say he’s a majority stakeholder of useless, but I will say he’s about 49% useless.

Joey Lucchesi –  7 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.06.  Not feeling great about my Lucchesi shares, but it’s too early to panic.  Remember, the last time there was this Italian-sounding of a name in San Diego, it was when Tommy Lasorda trying to make Milanese out of the San Diego Chicken during a grueling Baseball Bunch filming session.

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .222.  Okay, I’m back in.  He’s playing every day and he has three homers in the last five games.  Grab him!

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  Here is the actual feather Yankee Doodle Dandy stuck in his hat and called macaroni on loan from the Smithsonian, so I’m just going to haphazardly leave it by this open window…NOOO!!!!  Torenado!!!

Antonio Senzatela – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in his 1st start.  This was a good matchup, but I would not go near Senzatela, or Senzatela-ela if Rihanna is reading.

Dan Straily – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 10.24.  This is less about Straily, and more about how awful the Sawx look in every aspect of the game.  The O’s have a better record than them!  The O’s are starting players being released by the Marlins.  And those pitchers are beating the Red Sox.  And Chris Davis is homering off the Red Sox.  Good start to the season, Sawx!

Chris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .089.  He is going to make it very difficult for Today’s Game Era Hall of Fame Committee.

Dwight Smith Jr. – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .270, batting third, and three homers in the last five games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Renato Nunez – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .293.  His average is up from .211 in the last week, but the O’s did get to beat up on poor pitching.  No, they’re done with split-league games.

Yu Darvish – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 6.11.  I think it might be harder to walk four Marlins hitters than strike out eight of them, so, is he all the way back?  Yu had a nice matchup, you.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .341.  Making a run for #1 overall catcher!  Dot dot dot.  Which would be 18 homers and a .270 average.

Trevor Richards – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.57.  Streamonator was negative on this matchup, but is a hair positive on his next one.

Mitch Garver – 0-for-4 as he led off, hitting .423.  Next spring, when someone comments something like, “Luis Urias is leading off in this random Spring Training game, what kind of projections do you expect from him?”  I’m going to point to this post.  Lineups are so fluid, and yesterday they were piss.

C.J. Cron – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .225.  Damn, I almost made him my batty call yesterday, but because he was going against my pitcher Matt Shoemaker (6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks) I didn’t want to go with Curtis Jackson.  It felt like I was playing the Don’t Pass Line.

Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .245.  I have one team that is in 1st by about thirty points and everyone has done well there, except Tesocar.  Don’t let him get started!

Joey Gallo – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .217.  Alex Trebek, “.217.”  Contestant, “What happened to Joey Gallo caring about his batting average?”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 5th homer.  Someone yesterday asked about dropping Asdrubal.  When you’re dropping a guy with five homers in 14 games, you’re over-managing.

Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-5 and his 1st homer, hitting .333.  Guarantee you he’s about to hit another five homers in the next two weeks.  That’s how Choo do.

Tyler Skaggs – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain.  He hurt it fielding a bunt.  Val from The Great British Bake-Off has more mobility when fielding bundts.

Shohei Ohtani – Cleared to face live pitching.  “Damn, he’s facing a young Sandy Koufax…wait, it’s Arya Stark!  Oh my God!”

Brian Goodwin – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Good one, Goodwin!  By the by, how much do the Angels hate David Fletcher?  He’s done nothing but hit ninth, and sometimes just not in the lineup at all.  Mean’s while, some scrub they picked up off waivers, like Goodwin, hits 5th.  I mean, Goodwin’s been okay, but there is no one in the Angels’ lineup besides Trout that needs to hit above Fletcher.

Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .190.  Don’t like Calhoun at all, but he is the type to get scalding hot for a week at a time.

Heath Fillmyer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 9.00.  Meh, I prefer Film (Russ) Meyer. He was the tits!

Brad Boxberger – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 9.72, and his 2nd blown save.  More like Bad Boxbooger!  Bring on Dick Lovelady!

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .300.  The hottest schmotato in schmotato land?  You best believe it!  But I’m also interested in Dozier beyond what he can do for a moment, or over a week.  I think Dozier could be a legit breakout this year.  I’m at least willing to grab him to find out.

Welington Castillo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  There’s the boeuf!

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 10.38.  At least Santana would likely admit this is like his Spring Training, unlike every other starter that is essentially doing the same in April.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .241.  Nimmo found that pitch, for a little role reversal.

Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.63 vs. Aaron Nola – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.32.  I was big-time out on both of these guys this preseason.  Had a lot to do with the price for both, but I was also concerned with Syndergaard’s 2nd half last year and Nola’s IP jump last year from previous year.  However (here’s where Grey throws out everything he’s ever said), Nola was getting pretty unlucky yesterday and Syndergaard just didn’t seem like he could locate.  His stuff didn’t look bad, just in the wrong spots.  However II: Grey Reverses His Reversal, I still wouldn’t go out and acquire either of them, but number one starters is just not how I roll.

Maikel Franco – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Must’ve felt Kingery’s near-.500 batting average breathing down his neck, or maybe it was Kapler who looks like a close-breather.

David Robertson – Hit the IL after a long bout of “something ain’t right.”  Turns out that which ain’t right is his elbow, which is the most often thing not right when something ain’t right.  Like fresh peaches, it’s uncanny.  Unless you’re looking at peaches, and seeing someone’s can, then they’re very canny, fresh or canned.  Okay, just want to thank the Presidents of the United States for their guest blogging work.  No need to talk about lumps, and how she’s lump.  We all know she’s lump.  It’s obvious.  Any hoo!  With Robertson’s injury, it’s like giving Gabe Kapler Adderall, except he Adder’s all relievers into the closer role.  First up, is likely Hector Neris, because that is an itch that Kapler can’t stop scratching no matter how many times a doctor says it’s going to leave a scar.  After Neris, it’s likely Seranthony Hopkins Dominguez, who is more than capable, but always somehow finds his way into the 7th inning for a random two-thirds of an inning.  After that, I guess Neshek, who sounds like a chorus from a Missy Elliot song.  Then, maybe Victor Arano, but if you’re speculating this deep, you need to have your head checked more than Kapler.