Yesterday, Byron Buxton went (3-for-4, hitting .270) and hit his 11th and 12th homer. This is the 2nd time this year he’s homered in three straight games. Prior to this year, he had never homered three games in a row. What could be if Buxton could only stay healthy…*wavy lines* “Whoa, dream sequence! What’s this, a rainbow with a map to its natural end? I will follow this! Wow, only three years later to find the end of this rainbow, I should’ve drove! Hey, look…a pot! Let me see what’s in it…neat, there’s gold, and Buxton being a 40/20/.260 hitter in 162 games, and a young Pamela Anderson, and a battery for my calculator watch that I couldn’t find after the Radio Shack by me went out of business…this dream sequence is amazing!” *wavy lines* Oh, man, here I am still with a constantly broken Buxton and calculator watch. Dreams don’t exist. For 2021, Byron Buxton is going to once again be a total wild card who could be a top 20 outfielder, or act like one for about 80 games. 80 games of Buxton still comes out to…*plugs numbers into calculator watch*…8.6? Ugh, why’d Radio Shack abandon me? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .215. Donaldson was ejected as he crossed home plate on his home run, because he threw dirt on the plate a’la Lou Pinella. I’m sorry, Josh Donaldson is a Karen.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in two days, hitting .332. I do a lot of the jokey-jokes about some scrubs like Wil Myers winning the MVP, but Abreu is absolutely winning it, right? Him or Luke Voit? I’m going Abreu. Handclap emojis between each word:  They need to stop giving MVPs to Trout. He’s boring. I’m anti-Trout. Pescatarians can eat a D!

Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .172. This could be Edwin’s last year, and it’s not how he likely wants to go out, but I say not bad for an 87-year-old.

Matt Barnes – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 8th save. Brandon Workman was traded to the Phils, a contender, to be their closer, and I would’ve been better off for saves if I went with the guy who took over for Workman on a team not contending. Beginning to think when they say Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario, they should abbreviate it.

Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Nathan’s good– hot dogs! Sorry, I need a snack. By the by, was a great day to stream all the Marlins’ hitters I could find. Good, great stuff.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 11th homer, hitting .293. In 2021, Devers a top 20 pick or nah? Prolly not, right? Okay, what if he hits a random five homers the final week, then he’s a top 20 pick? If you changed your answer, you giving in to this wacky season.

Blake Snell – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.05. He has zero Quality Starts all year, which is a nice set up for me to bemoan drafting starters high, but bemoaning makes a boner out of me and you, and it was stupid that he was pulled yesterday after 73 pitches.

Austin Meadows – Left the first game with oblique soreness. I ain’t saying the Pirates didn’t get got in the trade with the Rays, but Meadows and Glasnow are also super overrated. I’m sorry, someone needs to say it.

Hanser Alberto – 1-for-7 and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Rio Ruiz (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 9th homer, and these 7-inning games are killing me. I see a guy out for the 1st, bench them and then they show up in the 2nd game bazinga’ing. At least if it’s a 9-inning doubleheader, I’m like, “Meh, he’ll play the 2nd game and get four at-bats at least.” These 7-inning games have me overthinking it, “He’s only playing one 7-inning game? What’s he gonna do, get three at-bats? That’s a waste, goodbye!”

Dean Kremer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Another guy I’m gonna have to take a long look at this offseason. My 1st inclination is to like Kremer over Akin, but it might be the Jew in me talking. Will need to research deeper, and more goyly. Any hoo! Kremer for this year is a Streamonator call.

Adam Eaton – Hit the IL with a fractured index finger. That’s the pointer, so that’s gonna make things tough for boogers, Eaton.

Max Fried – Activated from the IL. Ideally, you don’t want a guy with the name “Fried” on his back around the Braves’ newest acquisition, Pablo Sandoval, but we’ll hope for the best.

Giancarlo Stanton – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Giancarlo already blowing away his 2019 home run total!

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Groundskeeper, “Hey, Gary, what should we do with this bag of balls labeled 2019?” Gary smiles evilly.

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Fun fact! The Jays pitching is bad anywhere in New York.

Luke Voit – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and his 20th homer. Ugh, but I just pledged my allegiance to Jose Abreu’s MVP candidacy. Don’t make me choose!

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. In the playoffs, Yankees might have a chance with one starter and a hit or miss bullpen if they get 17 runs a night.

Brett Gardner – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Honestly, if you’re in the Yanks’ lineup and not getting a home run, you should have to stay at a different hotel.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and two homers (9, 10), hitting .308. Sign me up for Lou-Gu-Ju, Teoscar, Biggio, Vlad Jr, Bichette and the whole lot of them for 2021. No joke, I’m in 100%.

Seth Lugo – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.34. It totally sucks that one bad start this year makes your entire shizz look corrupted. Have I mentioned how hard 2021 will be for drafting starters? It’s gonna be the hardest year ever. Between no pitchers coming off 200 IP and small sample ratios, it’s gonna be crazy.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .215. Albombso! (He’s been truly difficult to own, I’m not being daft with faux exclamations.)

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .321. Don’t particularly love Cano, but I do like the idea that he’s going to make the HOF voters look stupid when he ends his career with 3,000 hits, and they try to do some kind of moral stand.

Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Aaron Nola – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.92. Don’t worry, he’ll have another 20 starts to correct this start. *finger to ear bud* I’m being told, no, he won’t.

Brandon Workman – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.89. Phils should just insist all their games end in the 7th. For the final ten days, I wouldn’t own any of the Phils’ relievers, unless you like ulcers.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, and two homers (9, 10). “No, he’s not gonna float, we have to tie these bowling balls to his long-flowing hair. Shoot, he cut his hair? Maybe that’s why he’s no longer with–Whoa! Bryce is alive! I saw him move!” If you own Harper, you know what I’m talking about as he took the entire month of September off prior to last night.

Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. Didi, Didi, can’t you see? Sometimes your homers hypnotize me!

Alec Bohm – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. I’ve been impressed with three things with Bohm: A) His contact ability. B) His eye. C) There’s no C.

Julio Urias – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.49. I’m starting pitchers in Coors and only a little bit afraid, but am hesitant about starting hitters in Coors; what is going on with the world? On a side note, I’m pretty sure, Urias has lost seven wins from leaving one out before the decision.

Corey Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. I’m dreaming that everything Seager’s doing is being done by Gavin Lux, and don’t wake me up.

Edwin Rios – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Forget Seager, I’d take Edwin Rios over Lux.

Framber Valdez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.82. There’s gonna be so many starters next year who are amazing for two months, then hit a wall and no one will be good after the All-Star Break.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .253. The upside is there, but kinda meh, right? I mean, okay, but also kinda meh.

Steven Brault – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.04. I streamed him yesterday, not because I have watermelons in my pants, but it’s a 12-team NL-Only, and I start everyone, so I’d love to squawk I’m smart, but let’s be honest.

Dakota Hudson – Left yesterday’s game with elbow tightness. Welp, there goes his 2020 and prolly 2021. Bon voyage, Wyoming Mississippi.

Sam Hilliard – Sent down to the alternate training site. Bud Black said, “He was a valuable member of our team, and we hope to have Stan Heckard back soon.”

Tyler Anderson – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.06. Was a bad week to quit barbiturates and stream Tyler Anderson.

Sam Selman – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 2.70. Why did Sam Selman get the save? Great question! I’m going with because Gabe Kapler exists. I don’t have a concrete answer for you, but you know what is concrete? Gabe Kapler’s abs! By the way, doesn’t Sam Selman sound like he’d introduce himself like, “Hey, I’m Sam Selman of the San Francisco Selmans. Can we be frank?”

Mike Yastrzemski – Left yesterday’s game with calf tightness. I’d guess he can return soon, but don’t want to get out in front of my Yastrzemskis.

Shane Bieber – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1,74. For some reason, he was up ten runs and still pitching after 118 pitches, but, as I always say, if it’s good enough for Aaron Harang, it’s good enough for you.

Jose Ramirez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, hitting .276, and pulled early before having a chance for the cycle. I just had a very pleasant chuckle thinking about how the Indians left Bieber in longer than Jose Ramirez.

Casey Mize – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.08. Hey, Mize, you ain’t no Tarik Schmendrick!

Willi Castro – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .347. Should be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Is he? *checks* No, but he’s here now as a bonus!

Griffin Canning – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.29. I loved this guy all winter, then in the spring his forearm said, “Oh, shut up, mailbox head, it’s cupcake time,” and I’ll prolly like him again this offseason. As every 50-something female-centric blog will tell you, Canning is great for the winter.

Jared Walsh – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .328. Will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because, of course! If you want to see the rest of the post right now, sign up for our Patreon, it’s $5/month, and you get an extra weekly podcast of absolute nonsense.

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. If you gave Rendon another four months of a season, I bet he would’ve returned top 25 overall value. As it is now, he’s around 75th in value.

Shohei Ohtani – Has been a healthy scratch for five straight games. People were drafting him in the top 100 overall in February. Please excuse me while I evilly cackle for fifteen minutes. Don’t worry, Ohstanis won’t come for me, they’re off doing fantasy football.