Braves Clinch As Spicy T. Mahle Stays Hot

Atlanta Braves starting pitcher slash deadline acquisition slash heartthrob Tyler Mahle continued his dominant run Friday night with a scoreless six inning outing, allowing just four base runners (three hits) and striking out six Astros to clinch the Braves’ spot in the postseason. It was his seventh win of the year, and fourth win with Atlanta. Some people are just born to rep the 404, I guess. Mahle, shown here embarrassing Altuve, has been a revelation for the Bravos since arriving, with seven quality starts in eight outings, he’s posted a 1.28 ERA, and 0.89 WHIP, along with a 44/7 K/BB. He’s also rocking a 30 CSW% over that stretch. Sweet sassy molassy! I know playing for the Giants is bad, but dude is pitching like he just got out of prison. Since August 15, only Cam Schlittler and Jesus Luzardo have posted better ratios. This spicy T. Mahle looks like a fantasy league winner right now, but the real winner is the Braves Mr. General Manager. I understand Anthopoulos seems to do this every year, but the Mahle trade could go down with Cespedes as one of the greatest trade deadline acquisitions ever. In particular for a pitcher! Would you rather have Skubal or Mahle? Don’t answer that, but consider you would have laughed at the question a month ago. Mahle gets the Reds to finish off the year next week, and he looks locked in as their number two starter in the playoffs. Regardless of what happens there, his performance down the stretch has established himself as one of the big free agent names this offseason, and nothing motivates a player better than a payday, baby. Come on Braves country, let’s give him the chop, and then maybe the bag!

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Peter Lambert – 5.1 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, BB, 6 K, 10th L. I’m not sheepish on Lambert! He’s been extremely ewe-sful. *dodges tomato* I know these puns are really baaad, but we’re so close to the finish line, folks, I’m scraping the bottom of the pun barrel here. I assume only the diehards are reading at this point. True champions! You’re either days away from winning your league or just ruthlessly loyal, and I appreciate you for being here (hi mom! hi matt! hi vin!).

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-5, HR (19), 2 RBI. Tildaddy says no, I’m probably never stealing 70 bases again, but yes I’ll wait in line for four hours with you for that squishy. Aww, thanks, dad.

Matt Olson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, HR (40), 2 RBI. Allahson! We are all witnesses! I wasn’t sure it would ever happen again, but he finally hit that 40-homer threshold. On my watch, too! So happy I get to share this with you all. Allahson akbar! Next year 50!

Michael Harris II – 3-for-5, HR (26), 2 RBI. I would probably be more excited about the Braves if they had more than two pitchers. But hey, that isn’t stopping the Cubs, right?

Chase Burns – 3.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 4 K. Mr. Burns has been mostly excellent, but three innings a week does not a starter make. He’d be more useful in the bullpen at this point. Just shut him down already!

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him in Your Lineup department had to move to fantasy football amid massive layoffs, and now he’s too busy for anything MLB. And you thought baseball players got hurt a lot?

Clay Holmes – 5.1 IP, 3 hits, 6 ER, 5 BB, 4 K, 8th L. Not the kind of start you want to see from what could be your second or third starter in the postseason. I thought this would go a little better cause Clay likes to keep it in the dirt, but he ran into Elly at the wrong time.

Elly De La Cruz – 2-for-2, 2 runs, SB (27). Elly of the Cross! I prayed for this! You will always remember the time EDLC won your fantasy league, or won your opponent’s fantasy league, cause that’s what he’s doing right now. In this biz, we call this the “hard carry.” It’s the lightning McQueen mitts for me. Expert consensus is, he’s hotter than a Novig sports ad. Over the past two weeks, Sydney Sweeney’s favorite player is hitting .420 with 14 RBI, 13 runs scored, 7 home runs and three steals. For Elly, it’s “just sports” and yeah, his jeans must be blue.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 0-for-5, 3 K. Cubs fan awakes from a coma after six months, “You’re telling me PCA, the strikeout queen, is an MVP? Pfft, I’ll believe it when I see it.” *Sits down to watch Cubs Friday night. “I told ya! Guy’s a hack!”

Paul Skenes – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 5 ER, BB, 7 K, ERA at 3.91. When asked postgame what’s gone wrong this season he mentioned it was a lot of different things but mostly, he said, it was the GQ photo shoot. I think we’re all aligned there.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-2, HR (32). Extends his hitting streak to six games and his third homer in four days! Whata trade this has been for the Bucs! B-Lo arrived along with Mason Montgomery and Jake Magnum, who’ve all played significant time for Pittsburgh. Which is not nothing considering Lowe’s injury history!

Gregory Soto – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, 2 K, SV (15). It’s wild that Mr. General Manager Cherington actually did a decent job building a squad around Skenes, yet it was Skenes-y who could not deliver. Wait, that isn’t wild–it sucks! He should not be allowed to leave to go to the Yankees or Dodgers after this.

Konnor Griffin – 4-for-5, run, 2 RBI. Hey, shh, keep it down, I really like what you’re doing here, but if you could just tone it down a notch so I have a chance of drafting you next year that’d be dope.

Oneil Cruz – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Am I wrong in saying the Cruz Missile should basically be a first round pick? I know he’s injury prone but if he can stay healthy watch out! I understand the size of that IF, yes. But you know they say all players are injury prone, the healthy ones just haven’t gotten hurt yet.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4, HR (13). April Dan saying “Heck yeah! That’s why I drafted you.” as he crushes a spicy meatball off Skenes. Mangia, Mangia this guys in for a huge year, wait what month is it!

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, HR (12), SB (34). It happened. We all talked about how underrated JoRam was that he actually became overrated, even with the injury. Will he be a first rounder next year? 35 year old legend whose value is primarily tied to his speed? Where will I rank him? You’ll have to return next spring to find out! In radio we call that the extended tease!

Travis Bazzana – 1-for-3, HR (15). This hit is Bazzanas, B-A-Z-Z-A-N-A-S! That’s the go-ahead Bazzana bomb. Crikey! He’s hitting close to .400 over the past two weeks with six home runs and 15 RBI. Someone’s been doubling up on the vegemite. If the Guards make noise in the playoffs, that could introduce Travis to the world, eliminating the chance of a discount next year in drafts. These are the things I think about when I could be enjoying baseball games.

Cade Smith – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (38). He’s got three wins and three saves in September. Meanwhile, I’m starting Juan Morillo, Kodai Senga and Erik Tolman. Smith’s ratios are a cool 2.06 ERA, sub-1 WHIP, and 100/22 K/BB. Maybe I should be paying for saves on draft day? Or at least paying a little more?

Joey Cantillo – 6.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, BB, 5 K. The line looks good, but he came in after an opener for the second time this month, which means he ain’t getting no props from me. Starters start. I don’t know what this is, but I will not give you flowers for it.

Ranger Suarez – 5.2 IP, 3 hits, ER, 5 BB, 5 K, 8th win. The five walks was pretty uncharacteristic for Rain-hair, but the Rays be good like that, I guess. They do lead the AL in OBP. If the postseason starts tomorrow, who is Boston’s second starter in the wild card series. Do they give it to Ranger or everyone’s favorite Ron Swanson impersonator, Payton Tolle?

Erik Miller – 1.0 IP, 1 hits, ER, 2 BB, 2 K, SV (5). He threw three wild pitches, walked the bases loaded, and still got the save. I guess they don’t need to rush Chapman back.

Ian Seymour – 5.0 IP, 7 hits, 4 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, 7th L. Of course I streamed him after last week’s ten strikeout performance and the four earned runs were the most he’s allowed since early July! That’s mostly because Cash won’t let him go more than three innings, though.

Roman Anthony – 2-for-5, HR (5), 3 RBI. Roman reigns for the 450 footer! This is my Holy Roman Empire. He then added a two RBI single in the second. It was his first ever hit with the bases loaded. Which seems unbelievable. I mean pathetic. The Red Sox really need him to catch fire if they’re going to do anything in October, but is he up for it? It’s sort of hard to tell, he’s not the most excitable guy. His post game interviews are like watching paint dry. Maybe because they traded his bestie, Marcelo? He’s a sad boi now. Well, there’s no crying in baseball.

Chandler Simpson – 0 -for-5, SB (45). That’s how you win a batting title!

Zac Thornton – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, BB, 4 K, 5th win. Now won back to back starts! As bad as the Mets have been, it’s a bit surprising how often I’ve streamed their pitchers this year. Maybe that’s telling, and more indicative of the quality of my team. Hmm. Oh well, let’s go Christian Scott! Need that dub!

Juan Soto – 3-for-5, HR (26), 3 RBI. Three run jack and Soto! I like mine with a little lime. I like to go half cherry coke, half classic coke, one squirt dr. pibb. Then it’s like a little spicy. People who put cream in their soda are absolute psychopaths, I’m sorry. Soto would need an otherworldly week to reach 30 dongs for the fourth straight season. I don’t see it happening but prove me wrong, Soto! My team depends on it!

Jackson Chourio – 2-for-5, HR (24), 3 RBI, 2 SB (19). The slam & double legs in Baltimore is served with a crab cake the size of a softball, which sounds small but it’s actually massive cause that’s all crab meat, y’all! No wonder it’s $40! Served in a newspaper covered in Old Bay. Chourio’s having a bad week but a good month, hitting .319/.351/.507 with three homers and four steals in September. Delicious slams and legs. Wash it all down with a Natty Bo!

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, HR (38), 3 RBI. Albombso! I mean, you get what you pay for, and AL RBI leader Polar Bear Pete seems to me to be worth the price tag.

Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-5, run. You know the Orioles lost if Gunnar Henderson had a good game.

Cooper Pratt – 1-for-3, run, SB (15). The Brewers had 10 hits en route to scoring six runs. They actually lead the league in hits, batting average and OBP, despite hitting the fewest home runs in the NL. I don’t know you guys…it’s like Josh Allen’s scrambling. Running works in regular season but come playoffs, you need home runs to win baseball games.

Coby Mayo – 2-for-4, run. BUY! He’s got five home runs in the past two weeks. What do you want on the side of your Mayo? More Mayo?

Dustin May – 2.1 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, BB, 4 K. I know he’s been unlucky, but please remind me never to trust this guy again.

Trevor Megill – 1.0 IP, 2 hits, 2 ER, K, BS. Megill’s been shaky lately, which is not what you want heading into October, or on your fantasy roster. Again, allow me to be wet blanket for the great state of Wisconsin, or Wisco as nobody calls it. It seems like you have two Aces, but not much a rotation after that, then a bunch of guys on offense who hit singles and steal bases. Do you think you can beat the Dodgers, Braves, or even the Cubs in a seven games series? Loving the confidence! I hope so, too!

Hao-Yu Lee – 4-for-5, 2 runs, HR (10), 3 RBI. Hao Yu Lullah! Lee asking me, Hao Yu doing? Hao Yu been? Pretty good after this home run!

Riley Greene – 1-for-4, HR (21), 2 RBI. He’s got five homers in September which is decent after his supreme cool off this summer. He’s hit just eight homers since the break, after hitting seven all of May. Something got you Greene in the face?

Miguel Vargas – 2-for-5, HR (32), 3 RBI. Say what you will about the White Sox epic 2026 collapse, Vargas still appears to be fighting for it! His 32 homers leads all third basemen, and a .249/.357/.477 slash with 32 bombs 87 RBI and 19 steals has got to be one of the best draft day values you could find. Now here’s a player I will be terrified to draft next year based on where he’ll be taken.

Dylan Crews – 2-for-5, HR (12), 2 RBI. Crews missile! I just can’t seem to quit this guy. The 2027 DC breakout will feed families. Especially for me cause I’ll be the only one crazy enough to draft a guy slashing .225/.291/.377.

Cade Cavalli – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, 6 K. CC just got his bag from the Nats, and this is how he shows his mondo appreesh. He’s got 200 strikeouts now for those of you who thought the Nats didn’t have an Ace. It took five months, but now the Nats have a closer and an Ace!

Leo Bernal – 3-for-4. Bernal baby Bernal! He’s hitting .320 over the past two week. What’s your catcher doing? If it’s not hitting you need to move on.

Dylan Cease – 2.2 IP, 3 hits, ER, 6 BB, 3 K. Big time spot for Cease, not a “must win” but a huge game with major wild card implications. A Jays win gets them that much closer to the wild card berth, and they got their Ace on the bump. Perfect. Unfortunately, he executes an absolutely epic pants crapping to end all pants crapping. I’m talking, throw the pants away and double bag them style pants crapping. His shortest outing of the year, velo was down, lacked control, walked a season high six batters. That stinks. And I’m not talking about the double-bagged pants. I know there was an error, but Cease seemed burnt out and completely walked himself right out of the Cy Young award race with the show he put on Friday. You hate to see it!

Wyatt Langford – 1-for-2, 2 runs, RBI, SB (14). What’s rough is he’s been mid but not bad enough to knock him out of the top 30. If they can manage to sneak in, the Rangers could be the surprise wild card team no one wants to face.

Cole Carrigg – 3-for-5, RBI, 2 SB (11) (ELEVEN). Cole “Carry Me” Carrigg! I added him on Monday for the week at Coors, he’s 10-for-23, with three home runs, seven RBI and two steals. Not a bad stream! Coors giving me that Rocky mountain high!

Bryan Woo – 5.1 IP, 10 hits, 3 ER, BB, 4 K. Pitched should get an “I survived Coors Field,” shirt if they can manage a quality start. Speaking of I saw this week September 17 was the 30 year anniversary of Hideo Nomo’s no-hitter in 1996. The first and probably last no-hitter at Coors Field. Fun fact!

Lazaro Montes – 1-for-4, HR (4). Me smashing the Lazaro Montes home run prop for Friday night at Coors. It was a go-ahead too! Have you seen this guy? That’s just easy money, folks.

Jordan Romano – 1.0 IP, 2 hits, ER, K, 4th L. It’s been quite a year for JR, and I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten the privilege to write about every single one of those losses. Well, Jordan Romano of the Locatelli Pecorino Romanos brought his stinkiest cheese Friday night to the Mariners just to get grated, shredded and sliced! Molto bella!

Connor Norby – 3-for-4, run, RBI, SB (10). Fantasy pro tip: Add all the Rockies!

Walker Jenkins – 3-for-3, HR (3). Actually crushed. More of a smasher than a walker tbh! Don’t put a leash on this Walker, Twinkies! Now back to back three hit games with homers, that’s more homers than he hit all year previous. If he’s unlocking himself at just the right time he could be a week winning add down the stretch. This could be it! And by could be I mean, please be, I really need this.

Connor Prielipp – 7.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 8 K, 6th win. Have a day, rook! Plenty of room on the Prielipp wagon. It’s actually pretty lonely here. Probably his best start in ever, and definitely his first scoreless start as a big leaguer. The 4.94 ERA is ugly, but the 125/42 K/BB raises my eyebrow, Dwayne Johnson. He gets the Rangers next week and should have no innings restrictions and I could see considering the prospect of maybe thinking about mulling over the possibility of contemplating whether or not I should review the option of potentially picking him up. I still don’t know for sure, though!

Gerrit Cole – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 6 K, ERA at 3.63. Cole looks ready for October but unlike Prielipp his next outing will likely be abbreviated which is the toughest part about fantasy playoffs. Since it’s the Rays, there is a scenario where the Yankees could be fighting for the division but I still think Cole is limited.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5.1 IP, 5 hits, 7 ER, 4 BB, 5 K. Regression fairies have been looming around Ed-Rod for a while, he thought he was safe in September. Regression fairies agree with Macklemore but not enough to sit through his entire concert and they will destroy your ratios.

Ben Rice – 2-for-3, HR (39), 2 RBI. Rice bowl’ed! The 39 bombs are a record for a Yankee catcher, which Rice barely is, so the whole stat is moot. Sorry for even bringing it up.

George Lombard Jr. – 2-for-4, HR (4), 3 RBI. The Lombard-y bomb! Someone give this kid a trophy! He’s on pace for a 20-20 year. I can’t wait to see him get over drafted next year.

Ty France – 2-for-4, HR (23), 3 RBI. Sacre bleu! France actually has a shot at the batting title if he can qualify within the next week. He needs about 40 more ABs but regardless the .889 OPS speaks for itself.

Dustin Harris – 2-for-5, run, 2 RBI. Dustin the competition! He’s hitting close to .400 over the past week with three steals and 10 RBI. He was also a BUY! I’m nothing if not a company man, man!

Jackson Merrill – 1-for-4, HR (26). I’m sorry, Mr. Jackson. I did not recognize your game. Merrill is hitting close to .400 over the past two weeks with four homers, 16 RBI and 2 steals. Talk about a getting hot at just the right time. Even Nick Pivetta (5.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, BB, 4 K, 3rd win) is fresh off the IL mowing down hitters, looks like he could be pitching game two of the wild card series!? Oh, so this team is hot-hot? Well, I think seriously the Pads might just be I think possibly, maybe, feasibly, potentially, conceivably, perchance, a wagon, y’all

Agustin Ramirez – 3-for-4, HR (5). The guy who abandoned his team in April is now lighting up his consolation bracket.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-3, HR (17). King Tuck slashing .286/.391/.696 in September with six homers and a 1.088 OPS will go down as one of the all time scumbag moves. Lighting up the consoltation bracket right now. I take it back, this guy was born to be a Dodger. Maybe he just really hates playing with Ohtani?

Jung Hoo Lee 1-for-4, HR (10). Without Devers is he like literally their best player? Should we start a GoFundMe for Giants fans?

Edwin Diaz – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, 2 K.  Oh yeah. Confidence is high.

Tyler Glasnow – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 10 K, 5th win, ERA at 3.46 ERA. That’s exactly what you want to see in a final regular season tune up. He gets the Padres next week but I doubt he starts there, especially if he’s going to see San Diego in round one.

Josue De Paula – 2-for-3, RBI. Hasn’t had a chance to flash that big time power yet but with eight walks in seven games he’s already my dog’s favorite player. Good boy, JDP!

Mookie Betts – 3-for-4, 2 HR (22), 3 RBI. How fitting I can save the best for last this year cause Mookie, you guys already know, is the best. Exhibit A and Exhibit B. Just try to prove me wrong. I will ignore you. Oh, did I say best. I meant bestie. He’s my bestie. My flame. My muse. COD buddies for life. Mook’s hit eight home runs since August 1, and he’s slashing .287/.364/.497 in that stretch. The leadoff homer was also the 53rd of his career, which is top four all-time. So the Dodgers are hitting their stride all while Ohtani is recharging in his Bacta tank for October beisbol. Sounds like that could be a problem. If the Dodgers win again, there will be a lockout. At least that’s what the narrative seems to be. Imagine not being able to read my drivel every Saturday? Sad! Can someone please stop them? We nerds need our fake baseball. No matter what happens, I wish good luck to you all this week, and I hope you win all your leagues equally!

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below.