Whoa Snelly!

At least they weren’t no-hit, that’s what I always say.  Then I follow it with #getstrapped or whatever 50 Cent says now.  This is not going to be out on a limb or anything, but celebrities were better when we had no idea what they were thinking.  Imagine Liberace on Twitter in the 1950’s, “YAASSS girl, I am here for this, sippin’ my tea.”  Yo, Liberace, sure YAASSS Girl’s a lot for a guy who was quoted in the Confidential as saying, “Mature Women Are Best: TV’s Top Pianist Reveals What Kind of Woman He’d Marry.”  Maybe that would’ve been awesome.  I don’t know, I’m not a time traveler.  However, if I were, I would’ve made sure everyone read my Blake Snell sleeper (segue, snitches!).  (Isn’t it weird present and past tense read are the same?  Am I the only one that never guesses right?  Any hoo!)  Tis true that I didn’t even expect Snell to be this dominant.  Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.31.  He has the 7th best ERA, 19th best strikeout rate (10), 30th best xFIP (3.64), 13th best swinging strike rate (13) and 8th worst contact rates (71.2%).  Super shorthand, if you’re throwing pitches and hitters are not making contact, you’re doing exactly what you should be doing.  Hard to imagine his ERA staying quite that low all year, but he has made the jump to a top 15 starter, and maybe higher.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Archer – Will throw a sim gam on Thursday.  I hope he can strike out Leisure Suit Larry.

Jake Bauers – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .297.  Bauers has surprised me so far, or sofa, if you’re reading in a furniture store.  Maybe because Kiefer is a world class douche (know this from personal experience, though, now with some distance, I might’ve been an idiot too; meh, for another day; I should’ve put the story in my book, or did I?), but Jake Bauers is such a strong name I thought this guy was a power baller like the Missouri mom who wins $125 million and spends all of it on Budweiser and above-ground pools.  Bauers is not a power guy, he’s a 5-tool (maybe 4 tools) buttercup, and I’m loving him.

Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .293.  Good call drafting Gary Sanchez and Buster Posey.

Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Not a huge fan of Kiermaier, but I would own him for the two weeks when he’s healthy (13 days to go!).

Gio Gonzalez – 1 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.68.  “Tonight on Nat Gio.  Hyena prey on whomever has Gonzalez on their active roster.”

Gary Sanchez – Hit the DL with a groin strain and will miss close to a month.  I was watching the Yankees game on Sunday (because of German, the pitcher, not nationality), and you could see when Sanchez strained his groin a look washed over his face like, “This is going to be a totally lost season.”  Tough lesson for anyone who thought it was smart to draft a top catcher but a lesson, no less (anagram points!).  Podcaster Ralph and I also talk more Sanchez on the podcast that’s coming later today.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting .277.  Not a ton to say on him, you know how I feel, but I will say I saw him playing catch with a fan in Philly between innings, and the fan didn’t take the opportunity to throw a battery at him, and it kinda filled my heart a little.  I’m not crying–you’re crying!

Jonathan Loaisiga – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.93.  Gabe Kapler, “I’ve put the team on a strict Atkins-type diet.  No harm ever came from avoiding carbs.”  Then Lasagna’s like, “Bite me!”  The Stream-o-Nator continues to show love for Lasagna like we haven’t seen since Barry Ziti was omitted from Moneyball.

Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.69.  I didn’t want to get into it in the lede when talking about Snell, but Velasquez is one of those guys in the top peripheral range, and should be much better, but put “should be much better” in one hand and “not very good” in the other hand and you have two empty hands.  You can’t carry around feelings, man!

Maikel Franco – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer.  He hit the first home run off Aroldis in, like, three-quarters of a year.  Nobody hangs an 88 MPH meatball breaking ball eye-level to Maikel Franco!

Mike Foltynewicz – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.14, as he was activated from the DL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Ever notice how the more comfortable the chair the less it spins correctly?”

Scott Schebler – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .284.  Don’t worry, I won’t bother you with how well he’s doing.  I know you’re not interested.

Ozzie Albies – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .269.  Aw sookie, someone’s heating up again.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer.  Because it’s not your job to remember, allow me to freshen up your cocktail of insight.  Polanco was in spring training camp saying he was in the best shape of his life and ready to take the next step.  He’s now batting .216 and hitting 7th.

Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .248.  Not sure of the answer, but when your 1st baseman of the future is a 15-homer, .250 hitter, there’s some problems.  Argh, they stink.

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96 vs. Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.76.   I dipped my toe in the water on Seth Lugo, due to the Stream-o-Nator, and he went against ‘Not half as bad as it used to be jumping into cold water.’

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .184.  The Mets are voluntarily starting Jose Bautista and Jose Reyes.  Can’t someone start a fight between them?  Kill two birds with one machismo affront.

Robbie Ray – Will rejoin the Diamondbacks on Wednesday.  Wow, was beginning to think he was pulling a Kotchman.  Please don’t return with a 3 IP, 5 ER start that only proves he’s not healthy.  Ugh, I just jinxed it, didn’t I?

Steven Souza – Cleared for a rehab assignment.  Souza’s played this year about as much as I played cello the 15 days I played cello in the 3rd grade.

A.J. Pollock – Cleared for activities.  Finally, something for him to do besides figuring out the math on how many of him it takes to screw in a light bulb.

Shelby Miller – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the DL.  A lot of pitchers take a long time to get back to where they were before Tommy John surgery, but Shelby Miller picked up right where he left off.  Impressive.

Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .229.  Singing to Lamb a’la Bette Midler, “Did I ever tell you you’re my gyro?”

Justin Bour – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer.  Bour somehow has 13 homers in less than a half a season and has not been hot at any point this whole year.  Like a skin tag, not easy to pull off.

Caleb Smith – Likely done for the year with a strained lat.  Cale B won’t even be able to twerk for a few months.

J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.62.  Not a bad start in Houston.  Maybe he is as good as I’ve been saying he is.  PerHapps.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4, and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .258 with a .369 OBP.  That’s a top 25 OBP.  Less impressive when you say he’s right behind Jon Jay.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  New week, same old schmotato.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .263.  The Mustache Gods pity you with a home run!  Drink up our milkshake of pity!

Joey Lucchesi – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.57.  The Padres were in an AL park if you’re wondering if he was pulled due to a double switch.  So what gives?  Andy Green was reading Gabe Kapler’s autobiography, “I Love Greenies,” or Lucchesi was complaining of something.  I can’t find anything about an injury.  Though, even the Padres beat writers don’t seem to like the team much, and prefer to discuss their cats.

Manuel Margot – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games.  Yesterday, I told you Margot was starting to smoke up the heat on the schmotato.  Today, I say indeed.

Brandon Morrow – Threw a bullpen session yesterday, and he’s eligible to be activated on Wednesday.  It’s bad (unless you own Morrow) when the closer returns before we even find out who exactly was replacing him.  Fantasy buzzkill, which is likely a fantasy sports site, but not an endorsement.

Yu Darvish – Says he doesn’t feel 100%.  Hey, Darvish, I just pulled aside a 5-year-old, who hasn’t watched one inning of your pitching this year, hasn’t discussed your pitching this year, doesn’t fully understand what baseball is, and just pooped his pants, and he could tell you you don’t look 100% this year.

Enrique Hernandez – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in two days.  I love this Kike! *everyone in Los Angeles stops, turns to look at me*  Um, with an accent on the E.  If it helps the medicine go down easier, I grabbed Kike in a league yesterday.

Kenta Maeda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.44.  Not to talk about another Asian just because I’m talking about a different one, but whatever happened to Ryu’s groin?  Hmm, that sounds weird.  I could use him though.

Liam Hendriks – Designated for assignment by the A’s.  As a fortune cookie Matt Murton once received at a Chinese restaurant near the Winter Meetings read, “When you’re not good enough for the A’s, there’s always Japan.”

Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was recalled vs. Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.35.  This matchup was billed as, “We’re sorry you took off work for this day game, we should really pay you to be here, but we can barely pay our players.”

Stephen Piscotty – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer.  Piscotty doesn’t know!  Piscotty doesn’t know!…how he went from a once-promising rookie to a bleh player on a bad team.

Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .304.  The Greek God of Hard Contact hiccuped at precisely the right time, causing his swing to go in an ever-so-slight uppercut motion.  So, you make the call, Greek God of Hard Contact or Greek God of Mike’s Hard Lemonade?

Dylan Bundy – Questionable for Thursday.  On Friday, he’s quizzical.

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  You thought you were all cute spelling his name backwards like Poochs wasn’t a misspelling and Nathan OJ meant something.  On the reals, I wouldn’t go out and grab Schoop again.  The O’s are a terrible team and Schoop’s stinking up the rear.

Denard Span – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a home run.  Wanna put Schoop’s 8th homer in perspective?  Span hit his 7th homer yesterday!  (Unless it was 3 1/2 homers for him and 3 1/2 for Ben Revere.)

Brad Keller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  I went to look at his stats and Google said, “Dude, dude, DUDE, you’ve looked at his player page after every one of his starts, are you the other famous Keller and can’t see the page?  He’s not worth owning!”  Yo, my Google’s got ‘tude.

Tyler Skaggs – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.69.  The Stream-o-Nator loved this start, and has nearly equal admiration for his next start, so go, Skaggs, go.

Wily Peralta – 1 IP, 0 ER and nailed down his first career save, and the first post-Kelvin save for the Royals, which is to say, the Royals don’t have a closer, and if they’re saying it’s Wily Peralta, I’m saying no thank you.  Saves ain’t got no face, but we have dignity.

Michael Wacha – Cardinals said Wacha is out until after the All-Star break.  Uh, yeah, el oh no kidding.  Hey, Cardinals, we’ve owned Robbie Ray, who had the same injury, on the DL for the last two months, we know what’s up.  If you didn’t know, you could’ve asked us.

John Gant – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.48.  Of course, he pitched well, because I bought him in Tout Wars, a league that I’ve been tap dancing through the raindrops for about 15 months now.

Carlos Carrasco – Threw a pen session on Monday and said he felt great.  Fun fact!  Benjamin Franklin once threw a fit at a John Hancock pen session.  “My kite dipsy-doodles less than your pen when you’re signing your name!”