Nola He Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen (With Catcher Glove Hand Fractured Fingers)

Austin Nola was diagnosed with a fractured middle finger. The worst injury that’s ever befallen a truck driver. That’s how they speak! Honestly, it’s how I speak on the road too. Cut in front of me and I go from “One to road rage” in a half city block. Then again, I cut people off all the time too. Just a generally terrible driver, I am! My favorite is when I cut someone off, then can sense them giving me the evil eye or middle finger, and don’t give them the satisfaction of looking over. Stew on that! So, Austin Nola will undergo a couple of days of treatment before they announce a timetable. I’ve still adjusted him a bit in my top 20 catchers, and that could change further. In the mean’s time, you know who this is good for? *saddles up to the bar* “Give me a martini with two carrot sticks.” That’s right, Yu’s personal catcher, could be yours. Victor Caratini will move into the everyday catcher job and this could mean time for Luis Campusano, who is cut from the same white-linen tablecloth as the $54 Vending Machine Steak, Franmil Reyes. In addition to my updated catcher rankings, I’ve also updated the top 500 for 2021 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2021 fantasy baseball:

Brendan Rodgers – Strained his hamstring on Saturday, and looks like he’ll miss at least a few weeks. Sucks that Brendan Rodgers is injured, but now there’s no way Garrett Hampson can be kept out of the lineup. Then, out of nowhere, Bud Black does the Hulk Hogan “just when you think I’m going to be counted out, I raise my arm” move and plays Eric Stamets at shortstop yesterday. Eric who? Stamets! Sounds like George Wendt and Chris Farley doing the Bears SNL sketch, but for the Mets. In my top 20 2nd basemen, I have Rodgers for ~400 ABs, so I’m not changing anything for now, since he should be back soon after Opening Day.

Jackie Bradley Jr. – Signed with the Brewers. Okay, can I make a suggestion? Change his name to Jackie Brauny Jr., stick some PEDs in his butt, and let the man mash like Ryan Braun trying to chase down a FedEx driver with a package from Balco! Who says no? Raise your hand so we know who will be the first people sacrificed when it’s time. I mean, I’m just taking a head count. Jackie Bradley Jr. goes to a solid park, and makes Cain obsolete. Damn, what are you, Sweet n’ Low? He also squeezes playing time for Avisail, and I’m not sure how much JBJ in a good park even matters, except for his glove. Does your league have defensive categories? It does? Then find a new league! Also, I removed Ryan Braun from the rankings. They have Brauny now. Ranked and projected JBJ and moved Lorenzo Cain in the top 100 outfielders for 2021 fantasy baseball and moved Avisail Garcia in the top 80 outfielders.

Lorenzo Cain – Dealing with a quad injury. Starting to feel like we never see Cain in any real capacity again. Pour one out for the real ones who watch Scandi dramas and dream big. For the Cain..sugar line-runners, and those who watched Narcos: Mexico and were like, “Cool.” This could help Avisail Garcia, but I wouldn’t assume Cain’s just done-zo either.

Adrian Houser – Left yesterday’s game with thumb discomfort. Wanna take a moment now to lower our heads–Wait a second! Freddy Peralta! Oh, Houser is saying he’s fine, it’s just a cramp. Lowercase yay.

Nate Pearson – Grade 1 groin strain, which is a strain that happens after nap time, but before you say, “I gotta go wee wee, it hurts.” I think, I forget Grade 1. This is least serious strain, and I haven’t moved Pearson in my top 80 starters. He won’t be ready for Opening Day, but I never expected him to pitch an entire season anyway. Ross Stripling is likely to take spot in the rotation to start the year, because the Jays went out and got five bazillion hitters and not one pitcher. Smart stuff.

Jarred Kelenic – Out with a strain of the adductor. Sounds like a mussel problem! *hand under armpit, makes farting noise* Didn’t change his projections in my top 60 outfielders, since his injury sounds like the type to magically heal itself to coincide with service time.

Danny Santana – Signed with the Red Sox. He should act as a utility man in Boston, i.e., Dannys Antana is a floater, in every sense of the word. He was updated in the top 20 1st basemen for 2021 fantasy baseball.

Franchy Cordero – May not be ready for Opening Day, due to Covid. I’m getting tested too — that’s my love for Franchy being tested.

Jeter Downs – Injury to his left side. Red Sox said it’s too soon to say whether it’s an oblique. Jeter is downs with an oblique or obtuse injury.

Trevor Cahill – Signed with the Pirates. This move screams, “The Pirates were told repeatedly by MLB front office they have to field pitchers this year, so they were required to sign someone.” I’d love for MLB to have one rule change:  You can’t sign some old-ass vet if it’s just so you can suppress service time!

Jake Odorizzi – Finally, he signed with the Astros. Was super convenient that the Astros had Odorizzi to fall back on when Framber got injured. Lucky for Odorizzi too, since no other teams needed a starter, apparently. The Jays trotting out one and a half starters and not signing Odorizzi is gonna look dope in July when they’re scoring 14 runs per game and giving up 15 runs in every Robbie Ray start. Dopey instead of dope also works in that sentence if you prefer to avoid sarcasm. Real gentle sensibilities from you, huh? So, Odorizzi brings his brand of always underrated pitching — 9-ish K/9 and under-4 ERA in 1000+ career innings. AL West isn’t a bad landing spot either, with the Rangers trying to make Rougned Odor happen going on 15 years and Rangers, A’s, M’s and Angels playing in solid pitching parks. I’m once again asking you to draft Odorizzi, in my top 80 starters. Also, here’s Coolwhip’s Jake Odorizzi fantasy.

Forrest Whitley – Elected for Tommy John surgery. Guess you can say it was a Whit-in vote.

Odubel Herrera – Him and Kingery are currently in a battle for the center field job in the City of Battery Love. ODB vs. Kingery. Old vs. young. Not good vs. prolly not good but glimmer of hope that he could be good. Who will win? One of them! Who will lose? One of us!

Trent Grisham – Diagnosed with a slight hamstring strain. I should’ve wrote a schmohawk post for Grisham, right? Yeah, I know. Of course, I’m right. Grisham was being drafted around the same point as guys with 5+ year track records and locked into a cushy lineup. Grisham is so getting platooned. What are we doing here, guys and five girls? Have we lost our minds drafting Grisham around, say, Javier Baez? Javy Baez is actually going later than Grisham on ADP! Haha, so bizzonkers. Grisham has, like, five guys breathing down his neck for playing time, even if he’s healthy. For now, Grisham is in a tier of outfielders I’m unlikely to draft in the top 20 outfielders. I really need to lower Grisham.

Hunter Harvey – Oblique strain. Heard this and immediately dove into my player shares to see how many times I owned Tanner Scott, and “found” Tanner once, and his last name was Houck. Wonder how Yahoo would handle it if Tanner Houck changed his name to Tanner Scott. Could I get saves then? So, updated my top 500 for Harvey and Scott. Cesar Valdez is a possibility for saves too, but he’s a 35-year-old with an 85 MPH fastball, and you’d have to have 85-MPH screws loose in your head to draft him.

Maikel Franco – Sounds like he’s signing with the Orioles. Absolutely have to love the Orioles going from a 17-homer, .245 hitter in Rio Ruiz to an 18-homer, .249 hitter. I’ve updated my top 20 3rd basemen.

Alex Reyes – Will pitch out of the bullpen. Same. I mean, if I were a reliever.

Miles Mikolas – Shut down for anywhere from seven to 10 days, due to his shoulder. I have him ranked around 520th overall. Prolly should just remove him. You want me to? Huh? I can’t hear ya. What’s that, move him? Which way? Louder? I can’t hear ya! Sorry, I was screaming into a giant seashell. Okay, so I removed Mikolas and added in Daniel Ponce De Leon, who’s getting a new leash on life like he found, uh…What’s something a Ponce De Leon could find for a new leash on life? Blanking here. Adjustments are found in my top 100 starters.

Andres Gimenez – Clearly, the Indians want Gimenez to be the starting shortstop and I want that too. Wants. Dot dot dot. Aligned! I love Gimenez and moved him back up in the top 20 2nd basemen to where he was prior to the signing of Cesar Hernandez. Gimenez is doing a Reverse Jon Berti. You think he’s losing playing time, but he’s gaining it vs. everyone saying he has playing time but really losing it. I also moved Andres Gimenez up, and adjusted projections in the top 20 shortstops, top 20 3rd basemen and top 500 overall.

Joey Votto – Hit the IL with Covid. At first, he offered no explanation. Kinda like when a batter walks and it doesn’t show up in official at-bats. Makes perfect sense for Votto. Go back to no explanation, Canadian walking bro.

Amir Garrett – Dealing with a sore forearm, and has yet to throw in a game. No, no, NO! Not Mrs. Muslim Garrett. He was my sneaky late RP that I was targeting and why can’t we have nice things? I’m asking and I want an answer! So, I moved up Lucas Sims’s projected saves, and Sean Doolittle’s there too, and I don’t think I want any of these guys anymore, but they’re adjusted in my top 500.

Sonny Gray – Scratched with a mid-back injury. If anyone ever hurts their back by trying to scratch themselves, the news updates will fold in on themselves. Sonny boy sounds like he’ll be fine to start the season.

Tejay Antone – Left yesterday’s game with the trainer. Who’s going to get more walks this year, Bryce Harper or MLB trainers? Antone was diagnosed with a tweaked groin, and says he’ll be fine. He’s a popular spring sleeper, and I have him right near ADP in my top 100 starters, i.e., I like him, but I’m not jumping gun on him.

Stephen Strasburg – Left the game with a calf injury. The video made it look minor. They said the same for Rob Lowe. I’m already way down on Strasburg in my top 40 starter rankings, I can’t imagine moving him further down. Was crazy to me how many people were drafting Strasburg around 70th overall, when I had him ranked around 140. In some ways, drafting Strasburg was slightly more loony to me than Lamet. No relation to Loony Lamet, who was great until the pictures became talkies.

Zack Britton – Had a bone chip removed from his elbow. So, he’ll be out anywhere from five weeks to 18 months. Yankees are saying Britton should be back around June, but Yankees and Britton’s pairing was bad since 1776. Now don’t make me sing Hamilton songs. Honestly, Britton might return this year, but I wouldn’t draft him outside of insanely deep leagues. I removed him from the top 500, and upped Chad Green.

Isaac Paredes – At some point between March 3rd and 8th, I fell in love with Isaac Paredes. Thinking he’s going to be a guy who wins a job out of camp and becomes the out of nowhere guy everyone adds on waivers. From Isaac Paredes to Chris Shelton and back again? Maybe. But I’m beginning to add Paredes now in deep leagues to see if he can’t win a Tigers’ job.

Trevor Rosenthal – Dealing with a slight groin strain. Damn, wouldn’t be me having anything called slight with my groin. I haven’t moved Rosenthal’s ranking or projections yet in my top 500, but honestly, I wasn’t drafting him anyway. I’d guess Diekman or Trivino for saves if Rosenthal needs to miss time.

Jose Martinez – Out with a torn meniscus, and his 2021 days are numbered on an abacus. Aw, shizz, I’m a poet and aware of it.

Carlos Carrasco – Soreness in elbow. I feel woozy. I think I need to sit down. I’m staggering around with a handkerchief to my forehead talking like I’m Dixie Carter. Maybe if I just have some apple cider. Apple cider always makes me feel better. Siri, has any pitcher ever experienced elbow soreness and been fine? …Siri? Are you there? Siri, answer me! Welp, this isn’t great news for just about every team I’ve drafted so far, but he threw on Sunday and says he feels fine. Waiting to hear actual news before moving him in my rankings, but I wouldn’t draft Carrasco in another league this preseason. Though, I already have him, so I’m hoping he’s fine. He’s still in my top 40 starters. Am I just typing out my thoughts because I’m so out of sorts because of this news? Yes, can you tell?

Byron Buxton – Cracked his tooth eating a steak, and got a crown. He was coronated King of Stupid Injuries.