To the Muppet Show theme song, “It’s time to face the music! It’s time to say Asdrubal Cabrera is all right! It’s time to meet the Rangers on the Rangers show tonight!” Asdrubal Cabrera went 2-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .222. Guess you can say that was an Asdouble homer night! Give me some skin up in the air! No? Okay. Asdrubal went cold the past three weeks after having a hot two weeks prior, and it sounds like I’m writing his autobiography. So, finally he said to his 4th grade gym teacher, “I will be someone one day,” and that teacher was Hunter Pence, who also hit a home run, his 9th as he hits .307. Pence aka The Gangly Manbird aka the Zombino aka the inflatable wavy guy outside of a used car lot has six homers in the past 11 games. He sure doesn’t stink, but you know who does? Rougned Odor (1-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .169) hit his 7th homer. Odor…Odor…Odor…Odor…*my back is pressed against a giant gym sock*…Odor! Seriously, you know when 25 homers is not feasible? When it comes with a .170 average. Pick up the pace, Odor, you odorous piece of pond scum! All of this offense was plenty for Mike Minor (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.51). Nope, he’s not pitching as well as his ERA indicates, but at a certain point you have to say to yourself, “Do I want some flashy FIP, which I don’t even fully understand, or do I want to win my league?” But those runs were only barely enough for Clocks singer, Chris Martin (1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.66). Bring back the South African dictator, Leclerc, which I say quietly to myself, so no one gets the wrong impression. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joey Gallo – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer. That’s super whatever. Those homers. Ya know what’s got me standing through a sunroof in a car wash doing jazz hands? He’s hitting .285!
Tim Beckham – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .265, as he played 3rd base, because the M’s have to keep J.P. Crawford (0-for-4) in the lineup for some reason. Guess the manager must find him Servais’able.
Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Besides his shellacking to the Twins (3 2/3 IP, 7 ER on 5/2), Peacock has been brilliant, like feathers on a…uh…hair clip won at a county fair that extends a mullet gracefully onto an American flag t-shirt. What, I couldn’t use Peacock again! He gets the Red Sawx next time, and the Streamonator still likes him.
Tyler White – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .233. 2019 laughs at anyone just hitting their first home run six weeks into the season. Jake Marisnick (1-for-3 with a dinger) has five homers, Tyler White, so you can stop hiding behind your big, burly beard. Evan Gattis called and he wants his face back! (And a job, anyone hiring?)
Eloy Jimenez – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Great news for my one team where I own him. Now hit 17 homers in the next week, and we so good.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 3-for-4 and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .291. Tildaddy says you can watch your cartoons!
Mike Soroka – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.01. Long overdue for a lede, and prolly should’ve had it last night, but he was facing the Aints, who are actually relying on Pablo Sandoval for offense. The short of it on Soroka — Shortoka? — he’s not pitching as well as his numbers indicate. Of course, I’d own the crap out of him, but his 8.3 K/9 and 2.8 BB/9 leave a bit to be desired.
Anthony Swarzak – Traded to the Braves for Arodys Vizcaino and Jesse Biddle. Such a goofy trade for the Mariners since Vizcaino is out for the year and a free agent in 2020. Any hoo! It’s irrelevant for fantasy; Swarzak will likely work middle relief. Then again, yesterday, Sean Newcomb (1 IP, 0 ER) saved the Braves game. I’m still leaning on Luke Jackson for SAGNOF, but there was kinda no reason he wasn’t used yesterday. Stay tuned! Or not. Your call.
David Price – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.29, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Yes, you can borrow a paper clip, but only if you call them paper crips, because I twisted them into a shape of a gun.”
Rafael Devers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (6), hitting .314. Devers is on pace for a 15/20 season, which is almost as bizzonkers as Tommy La Stella’s year. Devers’s line drive rate is 25.5% and his fly ball rate is 25.5%. I mean, dubya tee eff? His fly ball rate is bottom ten in the league, right there with Steven Duggar (ha), Eric Hosmer (woof) and LeMahieu (DJ 8 Home Run).
Michael Chavis – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .296. Y’all go crazy for your Bren-Rod, Au-Riley, Kest-Hiu and Yor-Alva, while I’m over here rocking Mi-Cha and all he does is hit. Okay, I love Au-Riley too.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .285. Chavis is out-producing Bogaerts! Don’t even come for my enthusiasm. I ain’t having it.
Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.30. He’s on a record 14th MLB team. My guess for his 15th team is pitching on the team Jackie Bradley Jr. assembles when he’s doing tryouts for MLB teams, after he’s released by the Sawx.
Luke Maile – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Maile in French means, “The sound one makes when they remove their cigarette to say something, but decide it’s best left unsaid.”
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .201. If someone had the wherewithal to look at Profar’s hitting stats since Fiers’s no-hitter when Profar made a huge defensive play, or knew what a wherewithal was, I bet they’d find Profar has been hitting much better of late. *intern whispers in my ear that Profar’s hitting near-.300 in the last week* Don’t clog up my brain with numbers!
Matt Olson – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. And we were worried about his hamate bone-less hand. Dude’s hand has the backbone of a rubber chicken and he’s hitting!
Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .264. Fun fact! His last name derives from an American trying to fit in with a bunch of Brits. “You’re a good chap….man. Did I do that right?”
Brett Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.14 vs. Carlos Carrasco – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.30. This start was billed as, “B.A./Carrasco, which is also the Spanish-language translation of Mr. T’s character on The A-Team.” As for Carrasco, buy! His peripherals looks gorgeous, the market is at its lowest, and buy! Buy! Buy!
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.06. Last week I said Darvish looked fixed. This week I’m saying, Last Week Grey was handsome, but Darvish isn’t entirely right yet. “Thanks, wanna sign my yearbook?” Shut up, Last Week Grey! As the game went along, Darvish’s command got away from him and the Phils capitalized with RUNS.
Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.93. His ERA is there, in plain sight, gorgeous. His WHIP…wait for it…here it is…oh, it’s magnificent…utterly beautiful…okay, I think I forgot it in the car, one second…here it is…his WHIP is 0.76! Ha! Yo, Paddack, are you a starter or the best reliever in baseball with that WHIP?
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. The best $54 vending machine steak that fifty-four dollars can buy!
Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.14. You’re no hot-buttery-biscuit-on-the-hood-of-a-Trans-Am-with-Tawny-Kitaen like Paddack, but Weaver’s putting together a fantasy #2-3 season. If you’re wondering, the Streamonator thinks his next start is even better.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.38. In similar boat as Minor, it’s a boat named, “Nah, of course, he’s not this good, are you flippin’ kidding me? But I’d still own him, Karen.” Because all boats have to have female names.
Luis Arraez – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .625 since his call-up. In the hullabaloo of all the recent call-ups, one name that wasn’t talked about much was Arraez. Prolly because he has three-homer power, seven-steal speed and is blocked by Schoop. That’ll darken up the old bright side. The positive is he has great contact rates and could hit .320.
Giancarlo Stanton – Will begin a rehab assignment with the High-A Tampa Tarpons. They should really change that to the Sanitary Napkins.
J.A. Happ – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.16. Bravo J.A.! Watch What Happ In Live was worse than any crap that Andy Cohen ever produced.
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4 and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .298. Think the best thing any Yankee player can do this year is stay on the field, and Gleyber is doing that with gusto! Also, on a side note, I believe he hits more home runs on short schedule days than anyone. He’s the new Colby Rasmus! Props if you get the reference.
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .265. Gary’s owners from last year every time he homers this year, “That dirty Sanchez!”
Hanser Alberto – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2), hitting .287. Alberto is your aunt’s favorite player, because at every family function, they sing, “Hanser…baby, Hanser! Gimme your heart, gimme gimme your heart…”
Renato Nunez – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .220. Rudy Gamble knows a good batty call when he sees it, even if he calls it a booty call. Oh, Rudy, behave!
Looking for a cheap dinger stream this week? Renato Nunez.
O’s face 4 LHPs this week w/ 3 games in Coors. Picked him up in some leagues this week as consolation prize. Will settle for last week’s booty call stats – Marwin Gonzalez 6/1/2 with .348 AVGhttps://t.co/YHlQnqwEVz
— (((Rudy Gamble))) (@rudygamble) May 20, 2019
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .342. That ball was Rendon’d useless! As in they would use it less because he knocked it into the stands. Did it get better after the explanation?
Pete Alonso – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. He stopped having three-hit days on the reg like he was Tony Gwynn with power, so his jacks from the box don’t always come with a double-double and runs, but, if you see his homers, he’s still an easy 35-homer guy, and you shouldn’t be scared off by the average coming down to earth.
Amed Rosario – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 4th homer. In the spring, Amed said he was going to steal more this year. He should run for office with how he keeps promises. Drain the SAGNOF!
Yoenis Cespedes – Fractured his ankle in multiple places on his ranch in Florida. According to reports, he had a mishap with a non-horse. Sounds like a Mets-hap to me. “Hello, I fractured both ankles at my ranch.” “Was it a horse?” “No, no horse, well…” “It was a horse, wasn’t it?” “Not exactly.” “Were you riding a mop decorated to look like a horse?” “No…Not even close.” “What was it then, Yoenis?” “I was dancing Gangnam Style.”