To the Muppet Show theme song, “It’s time to face the music!  It’s time to say Asdrubal Cabrera is all right!  It’s time to meet the Rangers on the Rangers show tonight!”  Asdrubal Cabrera went 2-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .222.  Guess you can say that was an Asdouble homer night!  Give me some skin up in the air!  No?  Okay.  Asdrubal went cold the past three weeks after having a hot two weeks prior, and it sounds like I’m writing his autobiography.  So, finally he said to his 4th grade gym teacher, “I will be someone one day,” and that teacher was Hunter Pence, who also hit a home run, his 9th as he hits .307.  Pence aka The Gangly Manbird aka the Zombino aka the inflatable wavy guy outside of a used car lot has six homers in the past 11 games.  He sure doesn’t stink, but you know who does?  Rougned Odor (1-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .169) hit his 7th homer.  Odor…Odor…Odor…Odor…*my back is pressed against a giant gym sock*…Odor!  Seriously, you know when 25 homers is not feasible?  When it comes with a .170 average. Pick up the pace, Odor, you odorous piece of pond scum!  All of this offense was plenty for Mike Minor (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.51).  Nope, he’s not pitching as well as his ERA indicates, but at a certain point you have to say to yourself, “Do I want some flashy FIP, which I don’t even fully understand, or do I want to win my league?”  But those runs were only barely enough for Clocks singer, Chris Martin (1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.66). Bring back the South African dictator, Leclerc, which I say quietly to myself, so no one gets the wrong impression. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Gallo – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer.  That’s super whatever.  Those homers.  Ya know what’s got me standing through a sunroof in a car wash doing jazz hands?  He’s hitting .285!

Tim Beckham – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .265, as he played 3rd base, because the M’s have to keep J.P. Crawford (0-for-4) in the lineup for some reason.  Guess the manager must find him Servais’able.

Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.59.  Besides his shellacking to the Twins (3 2/3 IP, 7 ER on 5/2), Peacock has been brilliant, like feathers on a…uh…hair clip won at a county fair that extends a mullet gracefully onto an American flag t-shirt.  What, I couldn’t use Peacock again!  He gets the Red Sawx next time, and the Streamonator still likes him.

Tyler White – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .233.  2019 laughs at anyone just hitting their first home run six weeks into the season.  Jake Marisnick (1-for-3 with a dinger) has five homers, Tyler White, so you can stop hiding behind your big, burly beard.  Evan Gattis called and he wants his face back!  (And a job, anyone hiring?)

Eloy Jimenez – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL.  Great news for my one team where I own him. Now hit 17 homers in the next week, and we so good.

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 3-for-4 and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .291.  Tildaddy says you can watch your cartoons!

Mike Soroka – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.01.  Long overdue for a lede, and prolly should’ve had it last night, but he was facing the Aints, who are actually relying on Pablo Sandoval for offense.  The short of it on Soroka — Shortoka? — he’s not pitching as well as his numbers indicate. Of course, I’d own the crap out of him, but his 8.3 K/9 and 2.8 BB/9 leave a bit to be desired.

Austin Riley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in six games.  That’s an Au-Riley tater!  Maybe someone can hypnotize Juan Soto into thinking he was just called up.

Anthony Swarzak – Traded to the Braves for Arodys Vizcaino and Jesse Biddle. Such a goofy trade for the Mariners since Vizcaino is out for the year and a free agent in 2020. Any hoo!  It’s irrelevant for fantasy; Swarzak will likely work middle relief.  Then again, yesterday, Sean Newcomb (1 IP, 0 ER) saved the Braves game.  I’m still leaning on Luke Jackson for SAGNOF, but there was kinda no reason he wasn’t used yesterday.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your call.

David Price – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.29, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Yes, you can borrow a paper clip, but only if you call them paper crips, because I twisted them into a shape of a gun.”

Rafael Devers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (6), hitting .314.  Devers is on pace for a 15/20 season, which is almost as bizzonkers as Tommy La Stella’s year.  Devers’s line drive rate is 25.5% and his fly ball rate is 25.5%.  I mean, dubya tee eff?  His fly ball rate is bottom ten in the league, right there with Steven Duggar (ha), Eric Hosmer (woof) and LeMahieu (DJ 8 Home Run).

Michael Chavis – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .296.  Y’all go crazy for your Bren-Rod, Au-Riley, Kest-Hiu and Yor-Alva, while I’m over here rocking Mi-Cha and all he does is hit.  Okay, I love Au-Riley too.

Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .285.  Chavis is out-producing Bogaerts!  Don’t even come for my enthusiasm.  I ain’t having it.

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .146.  After Jackie Bradley Jr. hit that home run, he asked the catcher, “What do I do now?”

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.30.  He’s on a record 14th MLB team. My guess for his 15th team is pitching on the team Jackie Bradley Jr. assembles when he’s doing tryouts for MLB teams, after he’s released by the Sawx.

Luke Maile – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Maile in French means, “The sound one makes when they remove their cigarette to say something, but decide it’s best left unsaid.”

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .201. If someone had the wherewithal to look at Profar’s hitting stats since Fiers’s no-hitter when Profar made a huge defensive play, or knew what a wherewithal was, I bet they’d find Profar has been hitting much better of late.  *intern whispers in my ear that Profar’s hitting near-.300 in the last week* Don’t clog up my brain with numbers!

Matt Olson – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  And we were worried about his hamate bone-less hand.  Dude’s hand has the backbone of a rubber chicken and he’s hitting!

Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .264.  Fun fact!  His last name derives from an American trying to fit in with a bunch of Brits.  “You’re a good chap….man. Did I do that right?”

Brett Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.14 vs. Carlos Carrasco – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.30.  This start was billed as, “B.A./Carrasco, which is also the Spanish-language translation of Mr. T’s character on The A-Team.”  As for Carrasco, buy!  His peripherals looks gorgeous, the market is at its lowest, and buy! Buy! Buy!

Roberto Perez – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .232.  On our Player Rater, Roberto Perez is above Buster Posey.  I don’t own Perez, but that brings me some joy — schadenjoy.

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.06.  Last week I said Darvish looked fixed.  This week I’m saying, Last Week Grey was handsome, but Darvish isn’t entirely right yet.  “Thanks, wanna sign my yearbook?”  Shut up, Last Week Grey!  As the game went along, Darvish’s command got away from him and the Phils capitalized with RUNS.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (1). In a twist of irony, the Phils did some ketchup when Jerry Tomato squashed the Cubs.

Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.93.  His ERA is there, in plain sight, gorgeous.  His WHIP…wait for it…here it is…oh, it’s magnificent…utterly beautiful…okay, I think I forgot it in the car, one second…here it is…his WHIP is 0.76!  Ha!  Yo, Paddack, are you a starter or the best reliever in baseball with that WHIP?

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer.  The best $54 vending machine steak that fifty-four dollars can buy!

Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.14.  You’re no hot-buttery-biscuit-on-the-hood-of-a-Trans-Am-with-Tawny-Kitaen like Paddack, but Weaver’s putting together a fantasy #2-3 season.  If you’re wondering, the Streamonator thinks his next start is even better.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.38.  In similar boat as Minor, it’s a boat named, “Nah, of course, he’s not this good, are you flippin’ kidding me? But I’d still own him, Karen.”  Because all boats have to have female names.

Miguel Sano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games.  Hey, if we can think Byron Buxton is fixed, why can’t we think Sano is too?

Luis Arraez – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .625 since his call-up.  In the hullabaloo of all the recent call-ups, one name that wasn’t talked about much was Arraez.  Prolly because he has three-homer power, seven-steal speed and is blocked by Schoop.  That’ll darken up the old bright side.  The positive is he has great contact rates and could hit .320.

Giancarlo Stanton – Will begin a rehab assignment with the High-A Tampa Tarpons.  They should really change that to the Sanitary Napkins.

J.A. Happ – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.16.  Bravo J.A.! Watch What Happ In Live was worse than any crap that Andy Cohen ever produced.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4 and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .298. Think the best thing any Yankee player can do this year is stay on the field, and Gleyber is doing that with gusto!  Also, on a side note, I believe he hits more home runs on short schedule days than anyone.  He’s the new Colby Rasmus!  Props if you get the reference.

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .265.  Gary’s owners from last year every time he homers this year, “That dirty Sanchez!”

Mychal Givens – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.71. Mike Tyson was watching the Yanks robbin’ Givens in Baltimore and got sentimental for his old bae.

Hanser Alberto – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2), hitting .287.  Alberto is your aunt’s favorite player, because at every family function, they sing, “Hanser…baby, Hanser! Gimme your heart, gimme gimme your heart…”

Renato Nunez – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .220.  Rudy Gamble knows a good batty call when he sees it, even if he calls it a booty call.  Oh, Rudy, behave!

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .342.  That ball was Rendon’d useless!  As in they would use it less because he knocked it into the stands.  Did it get better after the explanation?

Michael Conforto – Has been concussion free for the last three days.  As he told the media this, Robinson Cano collided into him.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer.  He stopped having three-hit days on the reg like he was Tony Gwynn with power, so his jacks from the box don’t always come with a double-double and runs, but, if you see his homers, he’s still an easy 35-homer guy, and you shouldn’t be scared off by the average coming down to earth.

Amed Rosario – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 4th homer. In the spring, Amed said he was going to steal more this year.  He should run for office with how he keeps promises.  Drain the SAGNOF!

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and his 1st hit for the Mets in 12 years.  Hey, Mets, way to get back in on him at the perfect buy low moment.

Yoenis Cespedes – Fractured his ankle in multiple places on his ranch in Florida.  According to reports, he had a mishap with a non-horse.  Sounds like a Mets-hap to me.  “Hello, I fractured both ankles at my ranch.” “Was it a horse?” “No, no horse, well…”  “It was a horse, wasn’t it?”  “Not exactly.”  “Were you riding a mop decorated to look like a horse?”  “No…Not even close.”  “What was it then, Yoenis?”  “I was dancing Gangnam Style.”

 
  1. Riley freeman says:
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    Thank you as always grey

    My current lineup is

    W Ramos
    R Hoskins
    O Albies
    N Arenado
    G Torres
    E Rosario
    B Harper
    A benentendi
    F Reyes
    B buxton
    D Voguelbach
    H dozier
    D gregorious
    A judge

    L Castillo
    C Morton
    D German
    M Soroka
    Y Kikuchi
    L Giolito
    M fried
    Z Eflin
    J Musgrove
    E Diaz
    T Glasnow

    Who do I drop for victor Robles?

    • Riley freeman says:
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      Oh, and Yu Darvish is in there too.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Do you have a bench of hitters? If not, I guess Eflin

      • Riley freeman says:
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        Yes, we have a bench of hitters. Typically didi(obviously) Vogelbach, buxton, and dozier ride it. Judge is my DL spot. Yahoo points league. Not H2H

  2. Licketty Splits says:
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    Cespedes both ankles?? At his ranch?? I assume it was with a horse. Maybe dancing Gangham style with the horse?? Maybe he could buy a used dirt bike from Bum already …SMH
    So the Mets are paying this guy to play cowboy?? He should just retire already …what is he like 40??

    • MattTruss

      MattTruss says:
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      Hey, congrats on the top spot in the RCL Master Standings btw – Assuming this is the same Licketty Splits, but how many of you could there be?

      • Licketty Splits says:
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        Just me I think …thanks

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          You made the mountaintop?!

          • Licketty Splits says:
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            Mountaintop = 1st place? Yes for a bit now BUT just hanging on by a thread after the past couple of days. Pretty good draft helped but not like I took any surprises. Just trying to follow what you guys teach.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              You’re doing excellent if you’re at the top…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Officially, he’s 19 years old, not sure that’s accurate

      • Licketty Splits says:
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        19?? Just like I am 29 again.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Haha

  3. Stumanji! says:
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    6 ER v. O’s? F U J.A.!

    • BadFantasyManager says:
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      Exactly how I feel… he single-handedly messed my ERA for my h2h this week.

      • BigToeCrusher says:
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        Brendan Rodgers or Amed?
        Piscotty or Eloy?
        Thanks!

      • Papa Jean Segura says:
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        You could own Michael Givens…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I know, devastatingly terrible

  4. Ante Galic says:
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    Grey!!!

    Great report, man! Loved it!

    a. CesPOOPdes, dah. Goodbye!

    b. Abbott and Costello quote of the day for May 21

    ‘What’s the use of ignorance if you can’t show it.’ – Lou Costello.

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • LennyDykstraIsJustMisunderstood says:
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      That is the shortest A & C quote ever

      • William Hung says:
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        I totally thought Cespedes was out for the year anyway – didn’t know he was expected to be back this year before this freaky injury. Looks like I already expected the Mets to Mets before they actually Mets’d

        • Lennydykstraisjustmisunderstood says:
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          He was unlikely to be back this year it was a slim chance

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      A. Yup B. Nice!

  5. Mojoman says:
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    Hello Grey, Hello DT :)

    Finally, can we lose Happ without any regret? Actually, I’m considering to keep him for one more start because Royals suck vs lefties. Just drop him?

    And I just traded away Castellanos for his Martin Perez. Cast is so boring and Perez seems to be 180 degree different pitcher since cutter added. Bad trade?

    Thanks for Great article every night :)

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Hey Mojo,
      Can cut Happ in shallower leagues, who’s available?
      Fair trade.

      • Mojoman says:
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        Ah! Happ will be dropped when Stanton returns. Perez will replace him. That’s my first plan.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Thanks! Lose Happ

    • Stumanji! says:
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      I’m holding him for his Royals start bc he already blew up my ratios in H2H and I hate myself.

  6. Brett says:
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    hold Cishek or drop for Leclerc?

    Thanks!

    • Brett says:
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      or drop for Brandon Workman? (Save / hold league)

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Hold

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Agree with DT

  7. Big Magoo

    Big Magoo says:
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    Maybe he’ll figure it out in the coming weeks, but it looks like Soto is experiencing his sophomore slump. Story had to learn to lay off sliders out of the zone in ’17, and Bellinger had to adjust to a steady diet of southpaws last year. Soto’s biggest issue seems to be fourseam fastballs. Hit .382 with an .809 SLG against them last season, while this year it’s .191/.405. I think he’ll make the adjustments, but it might take some time. Tend to fade the 2nd year players for that very reason.

    Zombird watch: two homers since our last debate, 18 more to go…

    • Avg Fantasy Player says:
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      Question for everyone

      Who is worse?

      The guy who sends awful offers or the guy who sits on every offer?

      • Big Magoo

        Big Magoo says:
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        They’re both useless. That’s why I’ve only joined no trade leagues over the past few years, mostly NFBC. Don’t have to worry about sketchy vetoes or lopsided trades being pushed through. Much more enjoyable that way.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Pence gets 30 homers and I’ll buy you a steak dinner, which is code for a Franmil jersey

      Yeah, appears that way with Soto, I hope he comes out of quickly… You’d think there was enough garbage pitchers in the majors that everyone could avoid slumping

      • Big Magoo

        Big Magoo says:
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        If he gets 30, you can just send me a turkey this fall. Bird for a bird.

        Soto will be fine eventually. Everyone has their adjustment period.

  8. Alex says:
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    Thanks for the mental images of Hunter Pence playing a jittery game of four square.

    How would you rank Nelson Cruz, Matt Olson, and Voit?

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Voit, Olson, Cruz for me

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Haha — Agree with DT

  9. PB&J says:
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    Howdy, Grey!

    I’m looking for some outfield help and some pop. What do you think of trading my Tim Anderson for his Framil Reyes?

    Thanks!

    • Cram It says:
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      Sure

    • Donkey Teeth

      Donkey Teeth says:
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      Sure, it’s fair

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Agree with others

  10. CentralCoastCali says:
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    Grey,

    Rank these two hundred guys….alphabetically too….It’s 3AM!!! Yu and Razzball are “awesome” (say it like the kid at the end of Incredibliles!)

    Thank you for making my can’t sleep time so great. Look forward to reading your sage advice later!!!

    Oh, Stanton went deep, not sure how to phrase that as you are all knowing and probably drooling on his…

    CCC