Yesterday, on the holiest of Hallmark-created holidays and celebrated most of all by Bill Hall, mothers from all different backgrounds came together to put up their feet, sip mimosas and talk about how “The Handmaid’s Tale” could totally happen now with Trump. I’d contend that Hallmark should get a little credit for women’s rights. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Secretary’s Day, “Buy a card just because you love her” Day… Before this, it was, “Do you wanna make this pelt I skinned into a rug or a sweater for little Kevin? What? You’re tired from churning butter? Okay, you can have the afternoon after you make beef and kidney pie.” In honor of Mother’s Day, one of the great lovers of women (who are handcuffed to his bedpost), Aroldis Chapman was diagnosed with rotator cuff inflammation, and will be sidelined for a month. If Dellin Betances is available in your league, can I get into your league? If there’s an entry fee, all the better. You pay it, and we’ll split the cash prizes. I even grabbed Tyler Clippard in one league just in case Betances gets all Cuddle Boy on us. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Luis Severino – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Even Luis See K occasionally does a movie with Woody Allen that critics love that is not good and is basically just Woody Allen being played by Cate Blanchett.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-10, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .338. I’m gonna go out on a 300-year-old limb and say Castro is doing much better than you thought.
Brett Gardner – 6-for-9, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .289. He’s on pace for a 25/20 season, and on your waivers. Oops.
Masahiro Tanaka – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.80. Must be hard pitching with partial tears in one’s UCL and rectum.
Alex Bregman – 1-for-8, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run. Lot of people these first 6 weeks have been faux-modestly saying, “I don’t want to Bregman, but my fantasy team is in last place.”
George Springer – 3-for-8, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and two homers (8, 9), hitting .261. He’s cooled off a bunch since April, but until you own Odor on every team, you don’t know cool.
Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.97. The Ks are tout suite, but four earned in under six innings is streamer.
Ian Happ – 2-for-4 on Sunday, and homered on Saturday, as he was called up. The Cubs are saying this callup is only for a few days while the Cubs get back to health. Couple thoughts here: A) He could be better than Ben Zobrist right now. B) The Cubs don’t mind promoting him because they have no intention of holding him on their team, i.e., I could see a trade of him at some point this year. C) There’s no C. D) There’s a D, but I’m gonna put it in with E. E) I call this one Molly. F) Me. G) rey Albright. H) i. I) am Legend. J) The Cubs will send him back down. K) lmnop Q) Why wouldn’t you still own him in every league? R) You crazy? S) CarGo. T) A drink with jam and bread. U) Can’t Touch This. V) for Vendatta. W) In 26 games of Triple-A, Happ had 9 homers and a .298 average. X) Prospector Ralph said, “Power/speed skill set with the ability to draw walks. Swing and miss will keep his average lower, and he doesn’t have a true defensive position.” Y) Because. Z) There’s wasn’t a C, why would there be a Z?
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.44 vs. Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.31. This matchup was billed as, “Good careers may appear closer in rearview mirrors.”
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers, hitting .270. That’s the least he can do on Mother’s Day for the amount of labor him, Bengie and Jose must’ve put their mother through. “Momma Molina, it’s a miracle! This is the third baby boy that came out wearing a chest pad and shin guards!”
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.15. He now joins Pedro Martinez and Nolan Ryan as the only American League starters to have ten Ks in seven straight starts. The three also share one other common trait, they have no idea who Karim Garcia is.
Drew Pomeranz – Left yesterday’s game with triceps tightness. Raindrops, drop tops, all season long Pomeranz has been waiver wire crap.
Blake Snell – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, as he was sent down to Triple-A. You know what he’s doing right? He’s setting himself up as a 2018 fantasy sleeper. Snell you later!
Steven Souza – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .266. Play that funky music, Souza!
Corey Dickerson – 4-for-6, 2 runs, hitting .340. This reminds me of a conversation I had this weekend with Cougs. Her, “Are you gonna watch ‘I Love Dick’ with me?” Me, “I can’t because if someone asks me what are you watching, I can’t tell them, ‘I Love Dick.’ Sorry.”
Robinson Cano – Missed three straight games due to his strained quad. The Mariners have been covering a seven-time All-Star and likely first ballot Hall of Famer with Taylor Motter (0-for-3), so that’s working out just fine.
Aaron Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.95, as he was activated from the DL. Wasn’t a huge fan of Sanchez in the preseason, telling people to avoid him, and his peripherals so far have been less than stellar, i.e., in shallower leagues, I’d tell Aaron Sanchez, ‘You’ve been Chopped,” due to his inability to make work his basket filled with K-rate, walk rate and xFIP.
Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week with three steals. Schmotato, for sure, but he should likely just be owned in all leagues. Jays aren’t great, but a leadoff hitter on every team should be owned.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .274. Between To-Jo and Smoak, it’s a great time to be alive (if you judge all world affairs by the ability to grab a corner infielder in your fantasy league).
Leury Garcia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal, as he hits leadoff and near-.400 in the last week. And immediately challenging what I just said in Pillar’s blurb. I’d look at Leury (leery?) more as a hot schmotato, but that’s ownable too.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .209. I’ve already picked him up for Monday’s short schedule day. You grab him too, then we can imaginary high five each other when he homers today. (Then imaginary wipe our hands on our pants when the other person isn’t watching.)
Brandon Maurer – 1/2 IP, 3 ER, and his 2nd blown save, ERA at 6.00. Not exactly a shut-down closer. His backup, Buchter, looked just as bad (1/3 IP, 4 ER), and I don’t see much value in speculating on other guys in the Padres’ pen. *two seconds later, researching Brad Hand* What can I say, I have a problem.
Jose Berrios – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks in his 1st start this year. “So, should I drop Clayton Kershaw for Berrios or hold?” That’s everyone after the Berrios’ start. Maybe everything that was wrong with Berrios last year has corrected itself. Seriously. I’m not being sarcastic. I did love him last year, and he has always maintained a solid K-rate with great command, aside from last year. Though, four Ks on Saturday isn’t exactly everything. In short, I haven’t picked him up anywhere. Shorter, okay. Shortest, Altuve.
Jason Kipnis – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and two homers (1, 2), hitting .197. *zips up body bag* Muffled, “Uh, guys, I’m still here.” “Kipnis? Is that you?”
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.92. A career 4.58 ERA pitcher thru almost 600 IP, for one brief day in May, didn’t look like he should be in the minors, on the Padres or on a VH-1 special of the Top 100 Worst White Rappers. Mo Rocca, “When Bauer rapped, people stood in line at Macy’s with Christmas presents.”
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.27. I like how certain sites are like, “Oh my God, Berrios is so good yadda burp yay,” but Wood is out there doing things no one has seen before (slight exaggeration), and no one is saying anything about Wood.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.47. He’s making it a lot harder for Kate Upton to defend him. I wonder if Verlander is battling mechanical issues, because his walks are sky high, and everything else seems more or less normal. I don’t have an answer, but I wouldn’t do anything rash either.
Garrett Richards – Hopes to return in August from nerve irritation. Funny, because he’s on my last nerve. He didn’t have Tommy John surgery, hoping stem cells would regenerate his torn elbow ligament. Why not clone a new sheep arm and have it attached to your shoulder? So, now he’s sidelined with nerve irritation on an arm that might not even be able to handle a torn elbow tendon. If the Angels had any sense, they’d step in and be like, “Dude, surgery sucks, but, seriously, the only throwing you’re doing for the next year is the throwing away of your career.” Wow, I sounded like my dad right there.
Yunel Escobar – Sat out with a tight hamstring. Too bad he didn’t get to reveal his special Mother’s Day eye black that would’ve worked in three derogatory words for gays and moms.
Matt Joyce – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd home run in the last three games. Likely didn’t hurt he was facing Rangers starters that are better on paper, and none of these games were played on paper.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Carlos Gomez – 3-for-3 and his 5th steal, but left the game with a hamstring strain. He continues to age as well as the Nordberg scenes in The Naked Gun.
Adam Jones – Sat out with a sore hip. Curt Schilling says Jones’ hip is fine.
Kevin Gausman – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, EAR at 7.19. Pro tip: When you’re in May and a starter has an ERA over 7, it’s time to look elsewhere.
Chris Davis – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .252. Wouldn’t be shocked to see him hit 8 homers in the next six games, not including his namelganger, Khris.
Caleb Joseph – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting over-.500 in the last week. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Nate Karns – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.46. That gets one’s attention. His K/9 is 10.7; walk rate is 2.9; xFIP is 3.18. Basically, he’s a number one starter. However, the velocity is down, his road ERA is the cat’s bollocks and he’s on the Royals. Am I not listening to the Stream-o-Nator for his next start in Minny? Tough call, I think I could see streaming him in shallower leagues, and definitely owning in all.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Moistasskiss!
Jorge Soler – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. I’m getting sunspots from being a cyclops with a monocle on Soler.
Tommy Joseph – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .255, and his third homer in four games. Get over that he had a poor April, and grab him immediately.
Aaron Altherr – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .333, and five homers in the last week. He’s only owned in 55% of ESPN leagues, i.e., 45% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned or 45% of ESPN leagues are owned by Klara Bell for him to fill his virtual trophy case.
Bryce Harper – 5-for-8 and his 12th homer, after hitting his 5th walk-off homer on Saturday. That’s not five walk-off homers in one game, that would be a record.
Shawn Kelley – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 2nd blown save in the 1st game of the doubleheader, ERA at 7.15. Picture this, Kelley is a square peg, the 9th inning is a round hole, and Dusty is shopping for a sand blaster to round off the edges of a peg.
Matt Albers – 1 IP, 0 ER, 0.61 ERA and his 2nd save in the 2nd game of the doubleheader. I’m not sure if I trust Dusty to just keep going with Albers as closer, especially after he heard the Nats were playing a nightcap, so Dusty showed up at the game wearing a pajama hat like Where’s Waldo.
Keon Broxton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .270. That’s how you turn around a pathetic April, Buxton! Buxton? Where’s Buxton? He still in the majors?
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .222. He homered off Mets’ reliever, Blevins, who seems to sum up the Mets’ season. In 1973, it was “Ya Gotta Believe,” in 2017, it’s “We Got Blevins.”
Jeurys Familia – Out for at least three months, if not the whole season. Best timetables have him returning end of August; worst timetables have him getting into a domestic dispute, being suspended for the rest of his career and the NY Post making a headline like, “In Familia Court, Jeurys Out.” If DL room is tight, I’d lose him. Obviously, grab Addison Reed. Yes, the guy who allows a home run in nearly every appearance.
Michael Conforto – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .343, and in the three hole. Conforto is the best Mets hitter. Granted, I realize this isn’t exactly saying he’s the best hitter on the 1927 Yankees.
Neil Walker – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting over-.400 in the last week with two homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Robert Gsellman – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.07. Is there any talk about sending him to the minors? Because there should be. Like, a lot of that talk. Nothing but that talk. “We have a hurricane moving onto the coast of–Sorry, I’m told no more discussion of weather and only ‘Gsellman sucks’ talk.”
Corey Seager – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .283. A’ight, a’ight, a’ight, but what did Bellinger do?! Oh, just the norm 2-for-4, 1 RBI.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .250. When Puig lets one fly!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. I’m going to put these priceless dodo feathers that my great-great-grandfather willed to me right by the window…NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Pat Valaika – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers. If the Rockies were home for another series, I’d be all over Valaika like a cape in Transylvania, simply because of Coors, but since they’re going on the road, bleh.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers, hitting .319. Au Shizz Twizz!
A.J. Pollock – Left yesterday’s game with a groin injury. Pollock hurt it throwing.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 and a slam (6) and legs (3), hitting .212. Knee McClutchin’ must’ve been wearing his throwback uni from 2013.
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .243. C**nt Hurdle believes in Bell so much, he double-switched him out of a close game. Maybe C**nt thinks this is Little League and everyone has to play. That would explain six seasons of Jordy Mercer.
Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.57 vs. the Pirates. Bad when you can’t get through five innings at home against a team who I can’t even picture scoring four runs in four innings. I hate you, Robbie Ray. I hope you never get off Fridays, and you work at a Friday’s that’s always busy on Fridays.
Lisalverto Bonilla – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Lisalverto’s claim to fame is the only Bonilla not being paid by the Mets to not play. He’s also an older prospect who is a matchups play for NL-Only leagues.
Amir Garrett – Will be promoted back into the Reds’ rotation for a start this week. Muslim Mrs. Garrett will get the Rockies at home, which will be a good stream, or he’ll get the Cubs, which I wouldn’t be excited about.
Hunter Pence – Might be headed to the DL with hamstring soreness. I think we’re seeing why Gangly Manbirds are often retired at 30 and put out to stud with Flat-Billed Pitchypusses.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and two steals (8, 9). Dot-Edu was just dropped in my RCL league, and I could see grabbing him just to school some people in steals.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and three homers in the last four games. If you dropped Belt, pick him up, you pantless bastard!
Matt Moore – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.67. You ever do this? On Saturday, I picked up [email protected]$&%!, but after seeing how well Moore pitched, I didn’t want to start Samardzija anymore. Like the law of averages somehow say that only one borderline Giants starter can succeed this weekend. Sounds like a gambler’s fallacy; someone ask John Patrick of So You Wanna Be A Gambler (fresh reference!). By the way, I looked up John Patrick on Google, and it didn’t even suggest gambler after typing “John Patrick gamble.” C’mon, Google, give this guy the last R! Also, on the first page of search results was his LinkedIn profile. Hey, you should connect with Prospector Ralph! On J.P.’s LinkedIn page it reads, “JOHN PATRICK PRODUCTIONS January 1983 – December 2011 (29 years).” I like that he went with 29 years, and not the basic math of 28. I wonder if he found another John Patrick to take over, or there’s, like, a Tom Smith running JOHN PATRICK PRODUCTIONS. His caps, by the way. (There’s so many people reading this thinking, “Who the hell is John Patrick?” He was the President of JOHN PATRICK PRODUCTIONS for 29 years, goddamn it!)
Jeff Samardzija – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.26. Put that in your gambler’s fallacy, John Patrick, and stay retired!