Alex Bregman Cub Finds Nats’ Arms As Easy As 1-2-3

Wanna have a little laugh-a-rooski at my expense? Of course you do! For last week’s Buy/Sell, which is really a Buy/Drop (but trademark attorneys couldn’t secure it), I wrote to drop Alex Bregman, but then prior to publishing it, I thought, “Grey, you big lug! You who’s-he-what’s-it’s! You surprisingly tall and slender man, you! No one in their right mind is going to be able to sell Alex Bregman.” But then I thought, “But this is a Buy/Drop now not a Buy/Sell, so it’s fine,” but finally I landed on, “Meh, how can I even say ‘in keepers, you can try to sell Alex Bregman,’ when he’s done nothing!” So, I removed him. He had, in fact, done even less than Dansby Swanson, who I said to drop right before his three-homer game. Oopsy-daisy! Alex Bregman (3-for-3, 7 RBIs) hit his 14th, 15th and 16th homer, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th homer in two games. Now: First 92 games: seven homers. Last 26: Nine. From 6-7 yesterday to 7-9, the story of Al Pacino’s dating life. Ya know, because 6-7 is a juvenile and 7-9 is around his age–Prolly better if I don’t explain! Kinda like how I shouldn’t have explained how I was about to say drop Bregman! Silly, stupid person! Who would never say to drop Bregman! He’s great! Hold forever! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .216. In fairness to me, Swanson hadn’t done much since his big week of games–Ya know what, better to not even jinx myself. He’s great too!

Miles Mikolas – Designated for assignment. Why? What happened?

Jackson Kent – 4 IP, 3 ER, as he was called up. Here’s what I said the other day, “Listen to this: Kent had a velocity jump in Double-A. Booyakah! Listen to this: Kent already had a lights-out change. Bazinga! Get a load of this: He had a 3.72 ERA in Triple-A! Wait, that’s not as good. Okay, getting back on track: He had a 10 K/9! We’re cooking again! Also, a 2.9 BB/9. Hmm, sidetracked again. Maybe he is an NL-Only flyer for now. Geez, had such high hopes for this blurb.” And that’s me quoting me!

Kyle Karros – Hit the 7-day concussion IL. He said, “I feel fine, and I’d think I’d know, since I made it to the majors without the help of nepotism!” And the Rockies rolled their eyes and IL’d him.

Zac Veen – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, and was replaced by Tovar late in the game. Should I even try to figure out the playing time? Sure, here goes. Veen is going to have to hit, like, .400 with a home run in every game to find everyday playing time. I like Veen a lot, I’m not saying I would bench him. I’m saying the Rockies are incredibly dumb, but: McCarthy has been excellent; Moniak has been great and just got a contract and Carrigg. That’s the outfield. DH is Goodman, but when he catches, Veen gets playing time with an OF going to DH. Or Carrigg plays short as he did yesterday, which is its own sorta insanity. So, Veen can play a decent amount, but he is going to lose ABs here and there, and potentially drive you crazy, because even in a game where he homered yesterday, he was removed in the 6th inning for defense (Tovar to short).

Brett Sullivan – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. If you actually pick up Sullivan, I love that for you, but I’m also depressed at how bad your catching shituation is.

Jordan Romano – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.95, and his 12th save. I’m watching, and I’m seeing, and I can’t do it. If you can, congrats on the pants grapes. It’s not me picking him up.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Giddy up, nerds!

Jackson Chourio – 0-for-5. Yesterday, Pat Murphy said Brice Turang had a sprained thumb and it could be something that would sideline him. Then a few hours later, he said it’s Chourio with the sore thumb, and they’re both fine. Anyone have a sprained thumbs-up emoji?

Dustin May – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Brewers giant supercomputer, FixPitchers5000, scanned Dustin May’s retinae and said, “Here, let me spit out instructions on how to fix you.” Wrong! That didn’t happen. What happened is very obvious. Dustin May hurt himself eating lettuce a few years ago. Seriously, he choked on a salad and severely hurt himself, it’s nothing to joke about. So, years ago he swore off lettuce. He won’t even smoke weed when someone calls it the devil’s lettuce. So, unlike every other player in MLB, he doesn’t have the lettuce worries hanging over him, whether they’re going to give him the runs (earned or, uh, unearned) and is able to fully concentrate on pitching. Clearly what is happening.

Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .221. X-Bog isn’t just the Florida contribution to X-Games, where people try to hop from alligator head to alligator head, it’s the guy with one of the worst contracts in baseball!

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Just checked the Player Rater, and JRod’s got some work to do the final six weeks to be anywhere close to salvaging this season.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Imagine what the Mariners would be like if they played their home games in Yankee Stadium. [wavy lines] Why is the Mariners’ leadoff guy hitting at the same time as Grisham? Are they both home? No, I mean imagine the M’s in Yankee Stadium without the Yankees there! [wavy lines altering the dream] Now the M’s are playing in Yankee Stadium without an opponent? C’mon! Stupid dreams!

Dominic Canzone – 2-for-5 and his 19th homer. People want to drop Canzone every day in the comments and it’s so upsetting I stopped fighting it. You’ve worn me down!

Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.39. This was a tough matchup (tough park, at least), but he’s had now six straight starts that are less than ideal, and a few that were just outright miserable. Pretty mediocre since July 9th. That’s more than a month. Thank you, Greco-Roman Wrestling calendar!

Trent Grisham – 3-for-5- 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .222. Grisham is one of those guys who, when he has a great night, I immediately wonder how bad were the pitchers he faced. (I think that with the Bregman vs. the Nats too, to be honest.)

Riley Greene – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. If you’re squeezed for IL room, I’m not against dropping some guys at this point in the year, and Greene definitely falls into that category.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, and his 8th homer. A bit early for Gleyber Day! [makes farting motion under armpit]

Framber Valdez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Eleven baserunners in under six innings? I won’t draft Framber in the last round of the deepest of drafts next year. See ya later, loser!

Jo Adell – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. I need Adell to get hot, so I’m fired up and shouting Jo like I’m Edna Garrett.

Foster Griffin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Don’t look at the two unearned runs on his line and you can be sorta happy with this bounce back. [turns to the mirror] Be sorta happy once in your miserable life!

Heriberto Hernandez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. I finally benched him because I looked at the 7-day Player Rater and he was dead-last. Sonavabench! Why’d I have to look at that? Why’d I have to be informed?

Griffin Conine – 2-for-2, 3 runs and his 13th homer, 3rd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Janson Junk – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.41. As frequent commenter, Stumanji! said the other day, “Jackson Jobe, Jansen Junk, Jared Jones, Jakob Junis…These Millennials and their Jalliterative names are hard to keep track of!” As for Junk, I wouldn’t even use the Streamonator for him.

Willson Contreras – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 24th homer. Adley? Still hitting third for a reason, I’m sure. My guess at the reason is the GM got him and Chad Tracy is trying to make the GM happy so he goes from interim manager to full-time, which seems all but assured, but better safe than sorry.

Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.25. He’s about as rock-solid as they come for number two starters. His xFIP is 3.32. Ranger Suarez is solid.

Jose Soriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (2 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.16. I’m building the case that Soriano is much better on the Jays than he was on the Angels, but I’m barely one floor up and there’s command issues and it needs inspection.

Luis Torrens – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and has been hot this week, which I know because he’s in the Buy column coming on Friday, which is now on the Patreon. (Very enticing salesmanship. ‘Ooh, can I read more about Luis Torrens?’)

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, and had a five-hit night on Sunday, and I can’t strum up any interest whatsoever. And he’s hitting third! Just so yawnstipating.

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer since I said he was droppable. Lol, drop Cal Raleigh! (Did he homer yet?)

Zac Thornton – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.78 vs. Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.64. This matchup was billed as, “Grey’s thinking about how he has Framber and Hunter Brown in deep leagues and could’ve had either of these schmohawks as recently as this Sunday.” Shut up, matchup billing!

Austin Riley – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .225, and now hitting 8th in the lineup. I’d love for someone to explain to me Riley’s downfall.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.96. Castillo was facing his old club, the Reds, and must’ve felt like his old self. How’s that saying go, you can’t go home again, but you can face your old team in your new team’s park and this isn’t the saying, is it? So, great start, but you’re not really trusting Castillo. I mean, maybe you are, but I’m not.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .292. He hasn’t really had one insane month yet this season. Someone should translate the Ippei podcast into Japanese and play it for him. That’ll get him going.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-3 and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .239. Mookie Betts-er-Late-Than-Never.

Freddie Freeman – Took a tumble into the visiting dugout and didn’t have the wherewithal to land on the Royals’ beanbag dressed as Billy Butler. Looked bad, but doctors usually have a better idea of things than someone watching a replay at home.

Corey Seager – 3-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .202. Hey, I know that impersonation! That’s Kris Bryant!

Mike Trout – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, and his 10th steal. This was his first three-hit night at home since 2024. Heard that on the broadcast and I thought wow, so passing it onto you. Now you wow, and pass it on. Like The Ring video.

Ben Joyce – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.000000000000, and his 1st save. Could the Angels have finally turned to Joyce as their closer? Eye dee kay, but they should. I like that idea more than Sammy “The Bull” Natera Jr. Hope he doesn’t whack me.

Eric Lauer – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.67. Someone should play highlights of Lauer’s starts in the Jays’ clubhouse while the pitching coach is there just to see his reaction.

Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.28. Thinking I’m gonna start calling him Teepee for TP, which is short for Tight Pants. If you’re reading this, keep that in mind for when people ask in 18 months, “Who is Teepee?” Because they won’t know, then we’ll have to decide if we want to tell them (we won’t want to, but we will).

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.78. Logan Henderussen. (I overdid it, didn’t I?)

Liam Hicks – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Everyone I see enjoying Bing Bong and all its accouterments makes me so sad Kurtz is out.

Lawrence Butler – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Okay, fine, hot schmotato, but he’s been incredibly sucky outside of the last two games.

Zack Gelof – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and now hitting in the three-hole. If you’re letting Gelof sit on your waivers, I am judging you a little bit. Not a lot, you know I still love you. But a little bit, yeah.

Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.28. Haven’t used the Hodgepadre, Marginer or Rice-ja-broni designation in a while, but that’s what Houser is. (MediOAKer doesn’t even work anymore.)

Kyle Leahy – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Streamonator? Sure, but also we should finally recognize the Cards are making a lot with very little. They’re 13th in xFIP for starters, while being 25th in the league for K/9. Is that a compliment? Yes, they’re better than the sum of their parts.

Shane Baz – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.00. Forbid me Bertie, but can anyone just perform well? (Is ‘forbid me, Bertie’ a saying? My google stopped working in 2024 and I don’t know.)

Dylan Beavers – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .239. Hmm, let’s see who’s out of the lineup now? Coby Mayo to the bench? Cool, very cool. Just glad they have room for C. Franklin…[searches for their first name]…I mean, Christian Franklin. Yes. He only has a .140-something average.

Zebby Matthews – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.34. You remember how Kendrys Morales added an S on the end of his first name and Dee Gordon changed to Dee Strange-Gordon? Oh and the best one ever was Tim Raines saying call me Rock Raines because he kicked a coke habit. (I think that was the reason. Actually, I hope that was the reason.) Anyway, this guy should return as Lil’ Zebby. Tell everyone that’s his name in his home country and call him that. And his home country is a factory in Tennessee and his brother is Nutty Buddy.