One of the first things you learn in Spanish language classes is how to roll your cars. You hit a corner as hard as you can and scream, “OYE!” [intern whispers in ear] You roll R’s? What does that even mean? The letter? I have a stack of resumes to replace you that goes from the floor to the ceiling in a normal-sized room. You’re trying to tell me I attempted to flip my Hyundai for five years straight when I could’ve just been pronouncing my R’s differently? How about this, “Durrrrrrrrrrr?” You got that R rolled?! So, the Mariners called up Michael Arroyo; his last name is a rolled car. Every week the M’s call up a top prospect. This is true. In Itch’s last top 50 prospects, he placed Arroyo at 45 and said previously, “Listed at 5’10” 160 pounds, Arroyo doesn’t make many jaws drop when he steps off the bus, but he’s always impressed plenty between the white lines. His 56-game stretch in Double-A wasn’t the stuff that fantasy dreams are made of, but his slash line of .255/.376/.341 with two home runs was good for a 123 wRC+ in a depressed setting for offense. In 121 games across two levels, he struck out 18.7 percent of the time with a 12.4 walk rate and a 139 wRC+. His ETA is listed at 2027 here, but he could push that pretty easily into this season if the need arises. And I’d like to push Grey pretty hard.” Not cool! That was from January, and Arroyo did push his way (plus injuries) into the majors. This year Arroyo went 18/17/.283 with a 16.4 K% and 8.1 BB%. He can play a bunch of different positions and has bankable fantasy skills. Not sure of his playing time this year, but I’d definitely be excited in keepers for 2027. Enough to hit a corner doing 85 and say Arroyo while rolling your car. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
George Kirby – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Fine, sure, whatever final line but this was at home vs. a legitimately awful lineup. Next year all M’s starters are going to be great again and we’re gonna be like, “Did 2026 happen?” (While hoping 2027 happens.)
Bryan Woo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Woo, indeed.
Jeffrey Springs – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.02. Nearly streamed him but I got cold feet when I saw his 6+ ERA. Put on some effin’ socks and get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’!
Anthony Molina – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Okay, A. Molina as Doc Ock, do your thing, but when a pitcher gives up a homer (as Molina did), I don’t care if he should’ve been out of the inning, due to an error, that should be an earned run. It’s the unwritten rules of the written rules. Streamonator hates his next one, but it’s home vs. Padres, and I could see trying it.
Zac Thornton – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.53. Regression Fairies spending a Saturday afternoon inside Queens. Interesting.
Bo Bichette – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. He has twice as many homers as Vlad Jr. (And 16 times as many homers as Vlad Sr.)
Christian Scott – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.81. Will have his workload monitored and, one love to whomever you pray to, but the Christian Scott Monitor sucks.
Trent Grisham – Hit the IL with a hammy strain, and Jasson Dominguez was recalled, but he has no place to play everyday, even before Aaron Judge returns this week. Yanks might want to trade Dominguez for literally anything they could use, just throwing it out there in case Brian Cashman gets hit on the head and, while he’s out and susceptible to subconscious thoughts seeping into his head, someone whispers to him this blurb.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Gerrit Cole is the only pitcher in MLB history to allow back-to-back-to-back home runs to the first three batters of a game more than once in a career. “I’d have that record if I knew anyone kept it.” That’s Patrick Corbin.
Robbie Ray – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.39. He got his pants painted on for that? Blech.
Manny Machado – 1-for-3 and his 26th homer. Macho macho Machado!
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. Fun The Jewels has an outside chance at 25/40, and I have to say that’s how you rescue a season that seemed lost as late as July.
Michael King – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Ya know what kind of season he’s having right? Oh, you betcha! He’s having one of those seasons where he’s great this year and then has a 5+ ERA next year, and everyone’s like, “Why?” You don’t evade regression for more than one year. (Another unwritten rule.)
Luis Campusano – 2-for-3, and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Martin Perez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.25. Martin Perez flipped a coin into a well that was presided over by the Fratelli Crime Family, and wished for a season-long ERA under 3, but Mouth grabbed the coin and ended Perez’s wish. Goonies never die, but they could at least leave my fantasy starters’ wishes alone.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games. Tildaddy says it’s time to go!
Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.05. It’s truly amazing how the Shroud of Touki can fit so many different sized men.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Not sure what was going in August, but Wheeler’s bounced back in two straight starts now.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 42nd homer, hitting .241. Schwarber is 2nd all-time for most homers with his new team after five seasons, only behind Babe Ruth. Last person behind Babe Ruth was Fatty Arbuckle. (I don’t know what that means, but just nod and be like, “Word.”)
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Nola is putting together a 2nd half that is a true throwback to when he was great. Doesn’t look completely sustainable, but that’s whatever at this point. It’s September and he’s doing it, who cares if it’s sustainable. He had a 2.65 ERA in August with a 10.9 K/9, and is continuing the dominance.
Randy Dobnak – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.54. You, a savvy man, drafts Paul Skenes for your H2H playoffs. Your leaguemate, a heathen, shows up late to the draft and farts loudly for three hours straight, drafting no one who even is in the league still, then picks up Randy Dobnak and beats you.
Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. When he’s leading the league in homers next year with 45 homers through August and I have him nowhere, that’s when I will commit hari-kari.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. He’s such a mess this year, but just wait until he has five homers and is hitting .175 next year through a half season.
Parker Messick – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Next year, we draft only Rays, Guards and Phillies starters. Maybe Tigers’ starters too. Just not Framber Valdez (even if Saturday’s start was decent; 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.17).
Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Gavin all my love to you!
Brayan Rocchio – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and three homers in the last four games. Hot schrocchio alert!
Jackson Jobe – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Sitting on 7.1 K/9, 4.5 BB/9 for his career, which is to say, I know TINSTAPP, but this guy was supposed to be a top arm. Wha’ happened?
Ceddanne Rafaela – Hit the IL with a quad strain. Nate Eaton was recalled. He sounds hungry.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.69. Gray is the color of my energy, whoa-ooh.
Payton Tolle – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Having the unfortunate timing of putting together a season that could win ROY some other years, but might not even place third this year.
Luis Robert Jr. – Hit the IL with LouBobitis. Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at an injury. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be injured every sixteen hours, but alas.
Kyle Harrison – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.66. Think I said he was clearly not startable after his last start, so what now? More unstartabler? The most unstartablest? The not startablest?
Jake Bauers – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, and a caught stealing for the slam and “I got no legs” from Kids.
Elly De La Cruz – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, 2nd homer in two games. We have found a successful hypnotist to convince E! it’s the 1st half again.
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.96. Streamonator liked this start, but, if I’m being honest with you and Lisa Loeb (because Yusei…Stay), I wouldn’t have started Kikuchi.
Paul Skenes – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.83 vs. Walbert Urena – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.74. This matchup was billed as, “Skenes looks solid, then gets out-pitched by some guy named Walbert, taking all the wind out of the sails and what’s a Pirate without wind in his sails? Argh of luck. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours!”
Drew Rasmussen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Not sure if I’m waiting for noisemakers and balloons to fall from the ceiling, but it still doesn’t feel like he’s properly appreciated.
Ian Seymour – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.33. Dianne Wiest putting her finger up to his statline’s lips and saying, “Shhh, Sey-less.”
Jake Burger – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer. Burger gonna eat!
Byron Buxton – Needs hip surgery this offseason. As the Twins’ doctor said, “He’s got granny hips.”
Joe Ryan – Sounds like he could return today. He only threw 42 pitches in his last rehab start, so, as Shruggy the Emoji says, shrug. I don’t know, maybe he goes three to four innings?
Munetaka Murakami – 1-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .211. Currently him and Colson Montgomery (both homered on Saturday and struck out a lot) are leading the majors in strikeout rate. Last teammates to do that were Rob Deer and Travis Fryman. That year, Fryman’s K% was only 24.3%! League average is only 22.1%!
Shohei Ohtani – Dodgers said he’ll be back in the lineup for their next game, but, while not being ruled out from pitching this season, Dave Roberts said, “We can all do the math.” Actually, Mark Walter is hoping no one can do math.
Dalton Rushing – Hit the IL again with his elbow issue, and won’t catch the rest of this season. Also, his imitation of Macho Man Savage’s elbow drop is on hold too.
Cade Cavalli – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.12. He has a 10.5 K.9, 2.6 BB/9. He’s a number one now, who won’t be drafted as one in 2027.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. Mookie Last-Night’s-Betts.
CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. Corange, it’s French for “will be 30/30.”
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was dropped to fifth. I get it; he’s struggling. Dropping him to 5th is the answer how? Like how is getting a guy potentially fewer at-bats the answer? Is there some Magical Five Hole Genie?
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Pretty cool how I managed to stream EdRod for only his bad starts all year. Just have that touch, I guess.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. At auction, I was able to buy a birthday card Werner Herzog gave to his 9-year-old niece that says, “Happy Birthday, as if any of this matters.” Come check it out, I have it haphazardly by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Peter Lambert – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Peter Lambert, your start led to a no decision, or indecision, which haunts all men. Sorry, I still have Werner Herzog stuck in my head.
Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-5 and his 38th homer. I fear the Triple Crown is slipping away from Captain Woo Cubano in the 2nd half. Don’t worry, he won’t be completely bad until next year when we all draft him.
Javier Sanoja – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in five games. Sanoja, you are our American Idol!
Heriberto Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (24) and legs (11), hitting .230. Someone the other day commented that Heriberto could be young Tesocar and I sorta dismissed it because of how bad Stowers followed up his seeming breakout, but that commenter might be cooking with some smart stuff in their brain custard. If Heriberto can follow up this with a 30/15 season, young Teoscar is not a bad call. I don’t know if he can follow it up, though.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 40th homer. He’s the first Cub to go 40/30; he’s only the 2nd lefty Cubs hitter to have 40 homers (Billy Williams) and only the 2nd Cub to hit 40 homers at 24 or younger (Ernie Banks). This takes nothing away from PCA, but it truly is hilarious how long the Cubs have been around and for how many decades they were so bad that 40 homers is this significant for them.
Clay Holmes – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 2.83. H2H playoffs secured. Locked and loaded. Just need Holmes to shut down the Marlins, which should be as easy [snaps fingers] as [snaps fingers] apple [sees score] Crap.
Cooper Hjerpe – 4 IP, 0 ER, as he was called up. Hjerpe is an African flat bread, no? [seeing him] Oh, no, that’s not the case at all. Hjerpe is a piece of Ikea furniture. An end table, in fact. That has zero command (6.9 BB/9 in the minors), and I wouldn’t mess with in an NL-Only league.
Willi Castro – Hit the IL with plantar fasciitis. Any time a Castro is hurt, I think it’s the CIA.
Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Gonna make a mistake next year and draft Moniak everywhere and forget his platoon splits, until I’m reminded during the Rockies’ first road series (some time around July).
Jake McCarthy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (30). What I said for Moniak, goes double for McCarthy. Making hypothetical mistakes already!
Hancel Rincon – Not sure if you heard but umpire Doug Eddings was doing The Ump Show on Friday and made Hancel straighten his hat, then apologized on Saturday. That’s right, Doug Eddings. This hat don’t straighten:
Would you start Nick Pivetta this week? Evidently, he’s starting tomorrow vs. Washington so I assume he’ll get a second start later in the week at San Francisco.