Now That’s The Loaded Paul (Tato) Skenes We Like To See

Last week, after yet another bad start, Paul Skenes couldn’t sleep. He was ruminating his career. His bad starts piling on top of each other. On top of it all, he was dealing with a girlfriend who had a very bad jimmy leg. His coach, LL Donkey, said to him, “If you’re going to be bad, be bad on your own terms,” and handed him a New Era fitted bedsheet. Paul knew what he had to do. So, two nights ago, Paul put the fitted bedsheet on his Murphy bed while Livvy slept and tucked her in so tightly her jimmy legs no longer were “rocking the whole gee-dee bed all freakin’ night,” as he said to a friend. Then, last night, Skenes allowed zero earned runs for the first time since May 12th. HalleBerrylujah! It’s about time! His fastball velo was up on average a half a mile too, and it topped out at 98.6 MPH. He went 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Finally, that looks like the guy people drafted as a borderline 1st round pick this year. As I mentioned this week on the podcast, Skenes looks like a buy low. His 10.9 K/9 is excellent and up from last year. His 2.5 BB/9 is a little bit up, but it’s nowhere near awful and his 3.24 xFIP says a guy who’s been a tad unlucky. Now he needs to keep it up. Oh, and lower the Murphy bed once a day so Livvy can eat, but she’s not coming untucked! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. He hit it off Mason Miller, which caused a real life spit take. Lucky I was drinking screen cleaner.

Michael King – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.23. That one from King is for Kwanza. Hey, person who found us because they were at Google searching if MLK celebrated Kwanza. You’re at the totally wrong place for that answer! Sorry!

Shane Bieber – Hit the IL with a right teres major inflammation. We used to call my cousin on the Italian side, ART for Always Right Teresa, because she always thought she was right. Not sure that’s related to a right teres.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 7.02. I have a job I could do. I could be the Chairman of You’re Too Old For This Shizz. I just go around to old players and say, “You’re–” Well, you know. Scherzer would be my first visit.

Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Still talking to Scherzer, “I mean, c’mon, Seth Lugo looked better than you.”

Masyn Winn – Hit the IL with a thumb injury. Nolan Gorman was recalled, and I honestly needed a moment to recall him too. Likely will be in a platoon with Ramon Urias. There’s another name it takes a moment to recall. Cards going with the strategy, Remember A Guy.

Pete Alonso – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .276. First Orioles 1st baseman with a 4-hit night since Chris Davis in 2016. You remember 2016, the last year everyone was normal. Albombso!

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, that’s in about a month of games and 100 at-bats. If he could do that over 500 ABs? Call me the newest gadget because I’m in at CES.

Chris Bassitt – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.74. Bassitt out there wearing a throwback jersey. Aw, a Bassitt in a shirt is cute.

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4 and his 35th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Dolly Parton died. I’m not working today.” Amen, Kevin.

Daylen Lile – 2-for-3 and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in two games. He’s got 9/6 dating back to July 1st. Sounds just okay, but that’s a 30/18 pace. That’ll play anywhere. Yes, I’m in the gig economy and my side gig is being Daylen Lile’s cheerleader.

Andrew Alvarez – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.72. Gotta be better vs. the road Suckies. C’mon, man, AA over here making me want to drink.

Jackson Jobe – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.93. Jobe not going five in honor of the passing of Tommy John. Don’t ask me how it honors him. People grieve in their own ways!

Max Clark – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Wonder if we can get the Tigers to play their home games in a minor league stadium next year. Can Comerica get flooded this offseason? I’m asking for Max Clark’s keeper value.

Ian Seymour – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.21. I think following an Opener (Casey Legumina 2 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.84) is dumb, but it’s insane to do it and bring a guy into the middle of an inning. Seymour is your Yarbro? Then let him Yarbro from the beginning of an inning. (It didn’t even cost them yesterday, I just think it’s dumb and I’m b’ing and m’ing. Let your boy Grey have a b and m.)

Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.02 as he was activated from the IL. Glasnow said his blank feels better, then asked the Dodgers’ trainer to fill in the blank. They went with “back.”

Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.95. I committed a bawk being too chicken to start him, but that was a pretty admirable start vs. the Dodgers. Streamonator likes his next start, and so do I.

J.P. Crawford – 1-for-3, 1 run, as he was activated from the IL. Some teams just love certain players, and the Mariners love J.P. He’s a negative on offense and defense and will be the everyday guy at 3rd once again.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-2 and his 18th homer, 4th homer in two games. Who hypnotized Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Dream Date into thinking it was 2025?

George Kirby – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Home games are not the issue for Kirby. Let’s see how he does on the road.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.03. He had a great August with a 2.79 ERA. Streamonator says he gets the DBags next time out. The crowd leans in waiting to see if Grey will recommend him. An errant cough; another man grows restless and yells, “Hurry up!” I can’t recommend him. It’s Aaron Nola. I’m sorry, but you’ll be happy I couldn’t. Another man yells, “Shut up, you idiot!”

Sal Frelick – Activated from the IL, and didn’t play all 10 innings. Brewers’ social media team sent out a Welcome Back, Sal post, and MLB reposted it and he wasn’t even in the lineup. How about you talk about matters of importance? Am I guilty of the same by writing about it? [spits out own medicine] Gross!

Kyle Harrison – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Call him Kyle Harr because that boy looks like he’s at about 75%.

Zac Thornton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Well, the underlying stats say he shouldn’t be this good. Actually, they say he should be pretty bad (6.4 K/9, 2.2 BB/9), but good command can keep a guy on the right side of honest. “Right side of honest?” What am I writing country music?

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Out of all the absolute duds coming out of the top 30 this year there’s going to be some nice bounce backs in 2027. I don’t think Lindor’s going to be one. Think age and “Mets” has finally caught up.

Luis Robert Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, third homer in three games, fourth homer in a week, and sixth homer this month. Wonder if he knows it’s too late to get traded.

Jacob deGrom – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.21. Got a bit BABIP’d to death, but that’s masking the biggest problem here is he can’t just rear back and blow people away anymore. Sad when the end comes, but deGrom is not deGrom anymore.

Jake Burger – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. 15-year-old, pimple-faced kid squeaks, “Burger’s hot! Come get your Burger!”

Tristan Peters – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in three games, fourth homer in, you guessed it, four games, and you’re not picking him up for some unknown reason.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 28th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in a week. Devers delivers!

Justin Steele – Said he hopes to pitch for the Cubs this year. An emoji that is giving the thumbs up as it rolls its eyes.

Clay Holmes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.26. Clay Holmes: My Platonic ideal starter.

Ian Happ – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games and 3rd homer since Friday. It’s my Ian Happ and it’s freaking me out!

Daniel Palencia – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.93. Oh my God, just have surgery on your arm already or whatever it is you need! In other unfortunate news, see next blurb.

Jacob Webb – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.91, and an epic blown save with Waldschmidt homering (1-for-1, 2 RBIs, 3rd homer, this of the pinch-hit variety). This was the first time a pitcher allowed a walk-off home run and also screamed his last name. Think the Cubs stick with Webb, but they can’t go to Palencia.

Brandon Pfaadt – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Glad he’s sucking again, I was running out of ways to say he’s not good while he was being good.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and a homer, hitting .258. Guess how many homers he has. He was injured, but he’s nearing 400 at-bats. How many homers? 20? 22? 18? He’s got 12! Woof, man. This broke a streak of 32 games without a homer; his career longest is 33.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .283. Is it too early to put LuGaJu in Monument Park?

Will Warren – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.39. Ya know he’s kinda whatever this year, but 8.9 K/9, 3.2 BB/9, 3.85 xFIP and third year in the league next year? Yeah, a 2027 sleeper might not be out of the question. Do I also search for all mentions of “sleeper” in the offseason to see what I was thinking in-season and grade August Grey on a scale of Smart to Wildly Dumb? Yeah, I do.

Ethan Pecko – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.88. His BB/9 is also 7.88. Not the kind of symmetry a pitcher wants! I do look forward to him pitching in San Diego one day. Letterman voice, “Pecko…Petco…Petco…Pecko…”

Yainer Diaz – 3-for-4, 3 runs, and his 9th and 10th homer. Quite possibly the worst catcher who was drafted everywhere who isn’t known for a giant dumper, but he could be heating up, and who cares what he did in April? It’s September-ish!

Jeremy Pena – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .286. Saw him score on Yordan’s 1st triple since 2024, and the Yanks play outfield defense like it’s Little League: Jones looks to Grisham, “He wants me to get it?” Grisham looks at Jones, “He wants me to get it?” Then no one gets it.

Taj Bradley – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Taj Mah-going into Bing Bong and even looking good, but I think that’s mostly because the A’s are so bad now.

Gage Jump – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.69. He was in consideration for a lede, but he had the misfortune of not throwing that many pitches through six innings, so they left him in there and he got hit a little bit. Still like Jump like I’m David Lee Roth, but I wouldn’t start him in Panama right now.

Vaughn Grissom – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .248. Prior to this game in August, he had zero homers and was hitting .187. Okay, Snoop Dogg.

Christian Moore – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .167. You might remember Moore as an Angels top prospect (8th overall pick) that the Angels promoted way too early, ruined his development and now have ruined his confidence, as well. Or maybe you didn’t remember, and are now finding all that out. Either way, welcome to Anaheim Not That Close To Los Angeles Angels Baseball!

Gavin Williams – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.98. Appreciate him trying to lower his 2027 draft cost, but that was not necessary.

Steven Kwan – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .274, and his 2nd career 5-hit game. Kinda surprised it’s not more. He waves good Kwan’d.

Pete Fairbanks – Hit the IL with the nerve issue in his hand. Marlins’ head trainer, Dr. Moe Howard said, “Some noive!” Guess Calvin Faucher (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.15 in the 10th inning of a tie) gets saves, but it could be The Staircase’s Michael Petersen (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.46 in the 8th inning of a tie).

Heriberto Hernandez – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Ball was flying out last night in Miami. Sounds like Scarface shopping for new boxers.

Payton Tolle – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. See Scarface’s boxers for what was going on. He didn’t help himself by not being that fine with his pitches. Having watched him a few times, he’s been better. Check me out sounding like a normal person watching baseball.

Jarren Duran – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .209. His grand slam in extras cost the Marlins a game, and I’m not sure who should be more embarrassed. Marlins for not scoring the inning previous when they had two guys on in a tie game or the Sawx for allowing the Marlins to tie it on a wild pitch strikeout, that should’ve ended the game. Tom Emanski is not having his intern cut clips of this game for his next video series.

Mickey Gasper – 2-for-2 and his 4th and 5th homer, that’s five homers in eight games. [emerges from a room that is being hotboxed by a smoking schmotato] Gasper!

Roman Anthony – Might return on Friday. Think about what this means. He’s been out since May 4th. Okay, imagine you’re Roman Anthony and you’re like, “I’m feeling good enough to play.” Today? “No, not today.” Tomorrow? “No, not tomorrow.” Friday? “Yes, I need exactly three days from today.” What if they asked him on Sunday? Would he had known he needed five days? When did he realize Friday was the magical day? Was he around last month targeting August 28th? I’m sure the guy was hurt, don’t get me wrong, but why Friday? If you’re good enough to play on Friday, after missing almost four months (!!!), you’re good enough to play Monday. There’s no magic fix that’s coming on Thursday that’s going to click from him being 99.9% healed to 100%. It’s so dumb!