Skenes Sends Rockies To The Pitt

April 13th was the last time Paul Skenes walked a hitter. It was James Wood, the NL leader in walks. Last night, Paul Skenes struck out the side in the first two innings, then Willi Castro laid down a bunt to open the third, because, as Biff once said, he’s chicken! In those first two innings, Skenes threw 22 strikes in 29 pitches. He throws dots. The biggest fear about getting into the batter’s box is that the pitcher could end your life with a pitch to the melon. Skenes has pinpoint control and is still an uncomfortable at-bat. You’re basically talking about the greatest pitchers ever who have that ability. Here goes the stats: last night, he went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.98. His last two starts: 16 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 17 Ks. Since that Opening Day start, 55 Ks, 1.09 ERA, 0.53 WHIP and a 31 K%. Paul Skenes would have a no-hitter every time out if Oneil Cruz knew how to field. But, ya know what, I’m glad Oneil Cruz can’t field. It keeps the playing field level when Skenes is on the mound. It also helps the Pirates’ manager, LL Donkey, to not have to make hard choices about pulling him. Preserve the Skenes, he’s one of the last ones we have that’s healthy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Bart – Hit the IL with a foot infection. If he had a foot affection, I know where he can buy some pics.

Walbert Urena – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Wal-Bert has hideous underlying numbers. Streamonator won’t like him, and I don’t either. Do you defy us?

Slade Cecconi – 4 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.60. That line has never been thrown before in MLB history. So, if you’re fantasy league has a pitchergami category, congrats.

Angel Martinez – 2-for-3 and a slam (6) and legs (6). Elias Sports Bureau said, “This home run by Angel was off an Angel pitcher. First time a player with the name of the opposing team has homered since every instance of a Phil vs. the Phils, we think. John spilled coffee on our hard drive, so we don’t know.”

Brady Singer – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.79, and three homers allowed. When you throw meatballs, ideally, you don’t throw to contact.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 3-for-5 and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Lu-Ga-Ju has been hot for the last week, and I picked him up in my RCL league a few days ago. Not the greatest endorsement since I might have the worst RCL team of all-time. Alas! Also, in this game, James Wood (1-for-4) hit his 12th homer. He got Wood, as they say. Then Daylen Lile (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) hit his 4th and 5th homer in the 4th and 5th inning. Too bad it wasn’t the 33rd and 34th innings. Alas!, Part 2: Alasser. Finally, Brady House (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. And they said only Alice knew where the dongs were in the Brady House.

Christian Yelich – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I watched Yellowstone for the first time yesterday. Zero colored rocks.”

Joey Ortiz – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. In related news, I miss when Tatis was on ‘roids.

Brandon Sproat – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.75. I want Sproat to become good so badly that I’m being extra careful not to jump the gun to say he is there, which means he might be there, and I’m not saying it. This all makes sense in my head. Any hoo! Sproat is worth monocle’ing, but he’s not there yet.

Ildemaro Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. On the Player Rater, he’s around a top five 2nd baseman. I know, the position isn’t great, but top five at any position is something.

Zac Gallen – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.65. I know you can’t memorize everything I say (nor want to), but I’ve been saying Gallen is droppable for weeks. He is broken. I’m being as non-obtuse as I get.

Ezequiel Duran – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I’m sure he will be in this week’s Buy (available later today on Patreon), because he’s been hot for a few weeks now.

MacKenzie Gore – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.50. I promise you, if you pick him up, he will Gore you all right.

Chase Meidroth – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Bit of a 4020, but has been a hot schmotato for about two weeks now.

Drew Romo – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Someone you didn’t know existed has four more homers than Tatis.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .305. Six homers? That’s two sets of three. That means three’s got company. Ah, the Joys de Witt.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .197. He’s become a “one hit every ten games and it happens to be a home run” guy.

Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Ya know what kind of year he’s having? One of those old school Will Smith years. Like pre-Oscars slap.

Bailey Ober – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.46. He not only threw himself a Maddux, he’s looking like Maddux under-the-hood, as in Maddux had a career 6.1 K/9. Wow, you didn’t expect to wake up today and get Greg Maddux slander. Hey, Professor, how about you teach something besides command! My God, I’m attacking a revered institution! Greg Maddux! Ober’s stats: 6.8 K/9, (better than Maddux, excuse me!), 2.6 BB/9, 4.49 xFIP, super flabby meh-ness under here. If you wanna try him, be my guest, but looks like Streamonator at best, i.e., matchups. Or should I say Madduxups! Actually, no, cross that out. That’s bad. My kingdom for a backspace!

Eury Perez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.94. This is how underwhelmed I am by Ober. I like Eury more. He’s not fully there yet, but, as I keep saying, he can still breakout at any moment.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .233. He hits third every game, and I’m pretty sure that’s because he was good about three to four years ago.

Sean Murphy – Hit the IL with a fractured finger, and will miss eight weeks. This comes six days after coming off a roughly year-long IL stint. Good news is anyone else is better getting at-bats for the Braves, even Dom Smith. Bad news is the Braves originally traded William Contreras to the Brewers for Sean Murphy. There should be some kind of Murphy’s Law about that.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Carl’s Jr. Jr. with some ball take-out!

Austin Riley – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .220. Subtract what I said in the Bregman blurb about hitting third and leave the “he was good about three to four years ago.”

Tatsuya Imai – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 9.24, as he was activated from the IL. I’m not entirely sure what Imai’s issue is, but at least he’s not even tempting to start, so props for that, I guess.

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Semi-Woo Kind of Life.

Randy Arozarena – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (10). The Rice Bowl runneth over with a huge day. I just spotted Cal Raleigh’s stats (2-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .166) because he’s hitting in front of The Rice Bowl, and I’m stretching the definition of “hitting.”

Dominic Canzone – 1-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam. I literally dropped him right before this game. I kid you not. Meh, whatever, he’s just going to keep being platooned and hitting 8th.

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk,, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.27. 1st four starts: 18 IP, 10 ER, 11 walks, 18 Ks. Last four: 21 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 walks, 23 Ks. That’s how you turn a corner.

Ryan Vilade – 2-for-4, and his 2nd homer, hitting cleanup, and .281. I’ve been monocle’ing him but Cash is deploying him mostly with his LLAMAS. Stay thirsty for fewer platoons, my friends.

Jacob Wilson – Hit the IL with a shoulder subluxation. Sounds like a device you buy at Brookstone, but it ain’t about rubbing you the right way, Johnny Gill.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Wonder if he could do a welfare check on Soderstrom.

JJ Wetherholt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .242. [getting a tattoo of two jagged letter J’s] I call that my JJ Wetherbolte. [sees Bolte didn’t start for the A’s] God damn it! I got the tattoo!

Alek Thomas – Traded to the Dodgers. Finally, the Dodgers get some offense!

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .240. Not bad for a top five pitcher. Not great for the number one hitter. It’s time for one of those very special episodes of a 12-homer in 15-game streak.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Coming into this game, he had the third highest year-over-year drop in strikeout rate with only Woo and Logan Webb being worse. He’s not commanding his curveball as a strikeout pitch and I kept saying he was overrated. No one wanted to believe me. Next thing that happens is the Dodgers make up a fake injury for him, so they have him fresh for the playoffs.

Eric Haase – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. I lost Agustin Ramirez and guess who I picked up? I Haase a 2nd catcher! Though, I also have Eugenio and Soto and Tatis and that team is shining up a real turd.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, and was pulled early because the Giants had to get Drew Gilbert in the lineup? Did Bader get hurt or do managers just get bored?

A.J. Ewing – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hit 8th. At least he played, I’m farting in the A’s general direction. Mets said Luis Robert Jr. isn’t progressing as well as they hoped, so that’s where Ewing’s playing time is coming for. Get Sue Ellen on the horn, we got a hot one!

Francisco Alvarez – Walked off the field with the trainer. Maybe they’re friends? Oh, no, he’s injured.

Jack Flaherty – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.73. Can’t believe I got roped in by this schmohawk again. What an absolute joker! It was the Mets! And this comes after I got sonavabenched by him last time out! Mercy!

Dillon Dingler – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .234. Do the Dillon Dingler’s Danglers travel? You know we do! I’m the one dressed as a poop emoji being Zoom’d into the road games.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, and fifth straight game with a homer, six homers in that time. I could go back and find comments from April about people mad Schwarber wasn’t hitting homers yet. I won’t. But I could!

Zack Wheeler – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Looks better than I expected coming back from the IL, and his velocity is climbing with each additional start back, i.e., Wheeler keeps on rolling.

Brayan Bello – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.46. He’s now followed an Opener for two straight solid starts (7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, in previous). I don’t usually talk about bulk guys because they’re, like, Matt Waldron types, but if Bello’s found comfort in the Bulk, I’ll be a Bulkhead and hope I’m not on the Titanic.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .178. Trouble T-Rent, they reminisce of over when you were a leadoff hitter last year. Now, I’m not sure you should be playing at all with that average, but somehow you’re only the 4th worst hitter at the bottom of the Yanks’ lineup.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Au Shizz!

Will Warren – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.42. I’m riding Warren out until Gerrit Cole replaces him in the rotation, and I have a feeling I’m gonna be ready to give up on Warren when it’s time.

Dylan Beavers – With oblique discomfort, Beavers was scratched. Did you just instinctually smell your finger? You sick bastard!

Trevor Rogers – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.77, as Rogers was activated from the IL. When he passed, Kenny Rogers left Mimi Rogers in charge of the Rogers invites for the Rogers’ Rogers Meet-up, and Trevor just got disinvited for that Rogering.

Jose Caballero – Hit the IL with a fractured finger, which is a bad case of Gamelitis, that ailment named after Mat Gamel who kept getting injured every time he had a legit chance to win a starting job. You don’t remember Mat Gamel, because he had Gamelitis! Caballero now just has to hope Anthony Volpe doesn’t Wally Pipp him. Meh, actually, Caballero’s in a great spot! There’s no chance Volpe’s good! Volpe’s an interesting case study for how hitting weak ground balls isn’t the best way to hit. Once upon a time ago, Volpe was a 21/50 guy in the minors as a 21-year-old. That would pretty much indicate star. How’sever, star Volpe was not. He makes terrible contact. He should be traded to Philly, because he makes me want to be blunt. AL-Only, and very deep mixed leagues for a flyer on Volpe, but otherwise, do better.