I hear Framber Valdez and I think of the Exxon Valdez, and, boy, I wish they never let his ass out of the Strait of Hormuz. Framber Valdez went 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.57, and, serious question, is he hanging out with Luzardo? What’s with the normal start, normal start, normal start, normal start, normal start, BOOM NOW YOU DIE, normal start, normal start, normal start, normal start, BOOM NOW YOU DIE? Why can’t we keep it freakin’ normal?! This was vs. the Sawx who haven’t hit well since August of 2019! What in the literal eff is going on? Sinking the Valdez, was Wilyer Abreu (3-for-4, 2 runs) with a slam (5) and legs (2). But he wasn’t alone! Framber gave out free homers to all players in attendance. Also, getting one was Ceddanne Rafaela (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) with his 2nd homer, and Willson Contreras (1-for-4, 2 runs) with his 8th homer. Ironically, the Valdez sunk my battleship! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Vierling – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, as he hits leadoff. Was about to say he was just activated, but that’s Zach McKinstry (0-for-4). Anyone else always confuse these two? No? Yes? Who cares because Framber made me want to slam my head into the wall? Eat Arby’s!
Steven Matz – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. All pitchers get hurt, and maybe I’m misremembering things, but I swear to you the Rays are the absolute worst for pitcher injuries. Yes, I’m not forgetting the Mets.
Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.95. His career ERA is 2.88. In almost 500 innings!
Eric Lauer – Heading for an MRI on his arm. Jays are hoping to find something so they can IL him. Dodgers are like, “You know you can just make up something, right?”
Kazuma Okamoto – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, 5th homer in May, as he hits third right behind Yohendrick Pinango (1-for-4, 1 RBI). Did I say Yohendrick Pinango? Yes, I said Yohendrick Pinango! Yohendrick Pinango sounds like someone who would have a vendetta. “My name is Yohendrick Pinango, you kill my father, prepare to die.”
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Not trying to jinx anything, but in a sea of Frambers, just pitch normal like Gausman.
Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.97. Player Rater resets after midnight and I’m already asleep, but, as of today, if you could’ve only started Ohtani in April as a pitcher or hitter in weekly leagues, you were better off starting him as a pitcher.
Yainer Diaz – Hit the IL with an oblique issue. Really want bleak? Look at his stats. Effin’ burned him.
Christian Walker – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .308. I’m super happy he’s bouncing back this year. What a total relief! If only I didn’t roster him in every league last year when he was garbage and have to see him hit this year. Oh well, huh? Deez breaks, as they say.
Peter Lambert – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.42. He has stats of 9.3 K/9, 4.4 BB/9, 95 MPH fastball, and, like, six pitches. The cutter and change are the most interesting to me, because one he’s throwing more than ever and it’s not been good (cutter) and one he’s throwing a lot that’s been just filthy (change). His slider? Also great. Lots of chase, lots of whiffs. Command? Clearly, not good, but I’m intrigued, y’all! Still 15-team mixed and deeper, but monocle shallower.
Logan Webb – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.06. Are any pitchers good? Not to answer but to ruminate while squinting.
Casey Schmitt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Schmitt happens-slash-schmotato happens.
Jesus Rodriguez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. His parents were at the foot of Mt. Olympus saying hey, and that’s how he got his name. He’s also more interesting to me than Bryce, and I said why the other day. If you click his name, it takes you magically back there.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Gonna give you facts here: He could have ten homers by June 1st and still finish the season with less than 15 homers.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.50. He was my number one FAAB pitcher this past Sunday to stream this week, because: Streamonator.
Bubba Chandler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 6 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Testament to his stuff that he’s only a 4.76 ERA pitcher. Filth that he has no idea where it’s going. Like downing a can of beans, walking into a porta-potty, then a crane picks it up.
J.P. Crawford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Already working on this week’s Buy column (will be on Patreon after I wake on Wednesday), and Just Peche is tres there.
George Kirby – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.94. A Mariners’ pitcher pitches as well as they should. Call the Pope, we got a miracle! He likes baseball, seriously, call him. He wears a Murakami jersey under his robe. You know he does. He prolly reads this, anyway. Hi, Pope!
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 3 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.02. Elder makes me feel like I felt with Abbott last year. I don’t even want to talk about Elder for fear of jinxing him.
Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer. 22 more to go!
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Guards always have random old slugging DH or 1B, don’t they? Been Carlos Santana for a bit; now it’s Hoskins.
Gavin Williams – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.28. I’m not trying to kavorka anything, but he was kinda due for a bad start dating back 18 months.
Noah Cameron – Haded to the IL with lower back soreness. Gave me lower front soreness to the nads from pitching poorly.
Isaac Collins – 3-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (2). Mean’s while, the Italian Royals let their hands do the talking.
Cade Cavalli – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.15. Also, three more unearned runs. I love unearned runs. Even better when they’re the totally screwy kind from an error by the pitcher, like he didn’t cause those runs. Unearned runs are like being punished for eating dessert without eating your dinner, so you’re forced to eat dinner and it’s pizza. A perfect panacea. A pizzacea. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours.
Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Taj Mah-reliable number three.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .250. The Bux stops…somewhere about 387 feet from here. (He just missed one earlier in the game too.)
Sandy Alcantara – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.01. How about Braxton Garrett and Robby Snelling both come up and replace Paddack and Sandy?
Otto Lopez – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. Otto says blotto!
Liam Hicks – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .321. Already thinking about how people will draft Hicks too early next year. Ha, it’s a sickness, I know.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in two games. He ranked 9th in the NL for OPS (.921). Or did when the Phillies reporter tweeted that, so prolly higher now.
Bryson Stott – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and third homer in a week. Watch out, the Phillies are suddenly smoking STOTT! See, instead of hot. No? Hmm.
Cristopher Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Trying to decide if I want Sanchez or Schlittler rest of season, and that’s a high compliment for both of them. Sincerely. I need a sincere font. Maybe ironically comic sans?
Luis Severino – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.15. I would’ve started him here, because Severino is on the road and that’s a, “Let’s do this, dawg, from me.”
JJ Bleday – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games and 4th game in a homer or something I don’t know hot schmotato alert!
Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer and, like, his 12th homer in, like, 10 minutes. “Whatever you can do I can do, more hot schmotatoey, Bleday!” That’s Lowe. Picking Lowe up in my RCL might be my only good move so far in that league. The struggle is real.
Andrew Abbott – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 34 Ks, ERA at 5.13. Now two straight solid starts, and, not to be a natural born hater, but the four walks really undercuts how effective he might’ve been on earned runs. I still absolutely don’t trust him. Or abbotsolutely, as the case may be.
Emilio Pagan – Crumbled to the ground on the mound, and I gotta say I’m sick of these tie-ins. I get it! You fall over for Crumbl cookies! Geez, not cool. [intern whispers in ear] I see. Welp, sounds like it was Pagan’s hamstring and Tony Santillan is the pickup.
Michael Busch – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I still believe, and he’s way overdue, so buy low would be the plan.
Jameson Taillon – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Streamonator loved this one and hates his next one, and I’d go with that.
Chase Meidroth – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, as he hit leadoff. Cust kayin’. He was hitting leadoff while Antonacci hit 9th. (Likely because they were vs. a lefty, and managers be thinkin’.)
Mike Trout – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .262. Only one more homer before the IL. Oh no!
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .231. I hope Reynaldo Lopez caught the ball, rubbed the ball on his butt and returned it to Soler.
Zach Neto – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .218. He was kinda in free-fall for a while there, like Dean Potter. If you have HBO Max, watch Dark Wizard.
Kirby Yates – Activated from the IL, and nowhere near the 9th inning in a save opportunity. I dropped Brad Keller and inserted Yates into my lineup, and, as I did that, I thought, “This won’t backfire at all,” and I turned to a mirror and said, “You done smarts, Mr. Grey.” Since Yates was hit hard in rehab and wasn’t called for the save, hold Zeferjahn for now. Yes, the singer of Werewolves in London. He didn’t look good vs. a pee-poor lineup of hitters, but Ryan Zeferjahn (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER) got the job done. Barely.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. 8% of the way to 50 homers!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .209. Au Shizz!
Elmer Rodriguez – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.19. He looked much worse than his line and optioned down for Rodon. The good news? You still have your health!
Jacob deGrom – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.11. Watched most of this start and he seemed to fall into the trap of being like, “Meh, what can Jazz or Ryan McMahon do with a get-it-over meatball? [crack of the bat, home run] Oops.”
Josh H. Smith – Hit the IL with a glute strain. His buttocks is straight bullocks. Justin Foscue was called up. He’s a huge barrel of muscles that has very little power, but can hit for average. He’s a Caucasian Yandy Diaz. Call him Brady Built-Like-A-BrickHouse.
Are you stashing Noelvi? Should I be?
I believe Cameron is going to try and pitch on Sunday. No IL. Good luck to him.
By the way, sometimes in the podcast it almost sounds like B Don is skeptical of your brilliance. The rest of the time he sounds super on the ball– so is he just trying to stir up ratings with conflict? Doesn’t he realize the theme song is enough?
You say Schmittato, I say schmotato….. and let’s talk about Griffin Canning in NL-only. Five innings of good stuff with a decent offense and great bullpen. Waive Roupp, who got shelled by the Rays last time out and who plays for the lowly Giants?
Calling Hoskins a “random old slugger” was a real gut-punch to this Phils fan. Rhys was a legend in Philly!
Dergrom one out away from a qs and jazz hits a homer. He came back out in the 7th. Why? He’s been going 6 max for the entire year. He gets one out and then gives up 2 hits (one a bunt single) and of course the reliever allows the inherited runners to score. I swear that when my guys leave a game with runners on base, those runners score eleven times out of ten.